You won't believe this

I saw a new doctor yesterday and you won't believe what I found out. It was enough to make my jaw drop when he told me. I wanted to cry.

My first visit, as part of a medically supervised weight loss program (totally healthy, BTW), lasted an hour and a half and consisted of going over every aspect of my health and history with obesity. This included family history, diets I have tried, what I'm currently eating, and medications that I'm taking.

For once, I felt like a doctor was truly listening to me. Not only that, but he understood me. He has been researching obesity for years and has developed a program that is in its early years, but one that has seen a lot of success at not only helping people with chronic obesity related diseases lose weight, but go off of medications and also maintain the weight loss.

That gives you a small picture of the background of this program and I plan on blogging about it as I continue my weight loss journey. The last year or so has left me feeling like there truly was no hope left-- I actually found this program through a series of searches, beginning with bariatric surgery. I have been trying diet after diet and failing absolutely miserably at it. Not only that, my weight has PACKED ON over the last few years-- but at an even more drastic amount in the past year.

So what was so shocking that the doctor told me?

It all begins in early 2013 when I was switched to a blood pressure medication that was deemed safe for pregnancy. I have continued on this medication until just yesterday-- so over four years.

Yesterday, the doctor told me that I immediately needed to stop taking that medication because it has been known to cause depression and even considerable numbers of suicide. Wow. Just. Wow.

So it's possible that the pregnancy filled with anxiety and stress, followed by postpartum depression, severe anxiety, and overall the worst experience of my life-- could have been caused simply by a medication. Not to mention the fact that I've had a history of turning to food to cope.

And for FOUR YEARS, not one physician even brought up the possibility that it could have been caused by a medication. Instead, I was put on an additional three medications for depression and anxiety and also sent to counseling. Overall, I saw a total of seven physicians who all had my medication list. In one day at a new health system, a doctor and a pharmacist were baffled as to why I was on this outdated medication.

Not only that, do you remember this post? The one where I intentionally went to my doctor to ask her WHY I was still having such severe bouts of depression and that it was so out of character for me to feel how I was feeling? The one where she was downright disrespectful of me and basically just told me that I needed to lose weight?

That's right-- not one concern was shown for my intuition that something wasn't right. And I am here two more years later still dealing with those same bouts of depression-- the kind where I will suddenly feel like I don't even want to live any more. Thankfully, I have grown to recognize these patterns but I have spent years doubting myself and showering myself in guilt and shame.

It truly makes me begin to distrust the medical community. That's a broad assumption to distrust the entire medical community and I do know that my new doctor is certainly an exception-- his goal is to get his patients off of medication. Isn't that the way that it should be? Shouldn't we be curing illnesses rather than stacking medicine upon medicine in an attempt to mask the symptoms?

Let's not even mention the fact that one of the medications I'm on for anxiety is also known to cause weight gain. A combination of factors have led to the perfect storm and I'm left tattered.

My hope is now that I'm on a different blood pressure medication, my overall disposition will begin to return to who I was four years ago. At that time, I had been through some life challenges that were stressful and was trying so hard to get back on my feet again in the weight loss game.

I have been combing through my medical records and I figured this out-- from the time I began truly struggling with my weight, as in beginning to gain a little bit from my absolute lowest weight, only six months passed before I started the medication and the rest is history.

There's no use in getting hung up on the woulda, shoulda, couldas-- but it is still mind-blowing to think about it. I'm hopeful that things will slowly begin to change for me in the weight department and I can become the girl I worked so hard to become when I was on top of my game.

I guess the next year or so should tell!

Weigh in Day

I gained .8 lb. today. This is in addition to the weight I gained last week. Eek.

The quote below sums up what’s going on with me lately.

I start to doubt myself and that leads me to not taking action to become the person I want to be. When I’m not taking action then I’m not getting the results. End of story.

Believe it or not, I am feeling more positive and motivated today than I have been in about a week. Yesterday, I got to spend the morning by myself—I just went to Target and Kohl's, but it seemed to be just what I needed.

In the afternoon, I took Little Miss Sunshine for a walk to the park and then chased her around the park. She is definitely going to help me get my steps in this summer! I actually reached 10,000 steps yesterday for the first time since January 27th.

I always seem to dread working out but then when I get activity in it makes me feel so much better. That’s what happened yesterday. It was nice to be out in the sunshine and moving around. This weekend is supposed to be colder, but next week we will have some warmer days and I plan on getting outside as much as possible!

I’ve had a productive week. I rearranged the living room and have been working on the play room area. I finally found shelves I like and that is making a huge difference! Everything is finally coming together and looking more organized.

I need a few more things for the walls and I’m looking for a rug. I also want to paint my desk, which is on the office side of the room. Little by little.

It is nice to have the energy to accomplish so much! It’s crazy to think that a year ago I was having a hard time just functioning from day to day because of postpartum depression.

I couldn’t keep the house clean and didn’t have the energy to do much more than take care of Little Miss Sunshine and sit in my chair. Whew. I’m so glad to know that wasn’t “normal” and that makes me appreciate feeling so well now.

Have a great weekend!

Taking Action

Hello everyone!

I didn’t get around to posting about my weigh in on Friday because we were traveling back home from my parent’s in Illinois. But my weigh in was nothing to write home about. Actually, it was pretty horrific.

So I am taking action. I made an appointment with my therapist. I haven’t been back since that first appointment. I ended up canceling two appointments and never rescheduled. I feel like I’m at a point now where I need help.

I know it has to be possible to conquer this. I know that my program works and that I see incredible results when I actually do it. And it’s not even hard to do! I enjoy it. But I allow myself to eat “emotionally” and that destroys any hope of making progress.

If you’ve been reading for a while, you know that this has been an issue of mine since I was a child. I feel like this is the reason that I cannot lose weight and keep it off. I have never addressed the psychological side of why I eat and turn to food. So that’s what I’m trying to do by going to therapy.

I look forward to going again. When I was going for postpartum depression, I made a lot of progress with myself in regard to personal development. It’s really, really helpful and I highly recommend therapy.

Hubby and I completed a cleanse day from Friday-Saturday and then got off track again. So I am making a huge effort to get back to the basics today and remain strong. So far so good!

I am also going to get to the gym this week. It has been far too long! It seems like it has been one thing after another lately. Of course there were a few excuses in there too.

We have been sick so many times this year. It’s unreal. Baby girl was sick most of last week and hubby has been home sick this morning. I haven’t been feeling quite right either, but haven’t really felt incredibly sick.

Spring has certainly sprung! My tulips are up. The weather has been warm, although it is supposed to be rainy this week. I hope to get outside more soon and go for walks with Little Miss Sunshine.

That’s about all for now!

How are things going for you?

Being Honest With Myself About Why I’m Not Losing Weight

My weight has stayed within a range of 4 lbs. since the beginning of February. My weight goes up and it goes down, but it has stayed within 4 lbs.

I’m glad that my weight has not fluctuated upwards to the tune of 10 lbs. or anything, but I do want to continue losing weight. So while being able to maintain my weight is fabulous, it’s not my goal right now.

The graph below shows my weigh-ins since December, with the vertical line indicating the beginning of February. You can see how my weight has stabilized instead of continuing the downward tend.

It’s time to take a hard look at my habits over the past few weeks because I know that my lack of weight loss is a direct result of my lack of effort.

So here is my list of habits and behaviors that have to stop in order for me to continue to lose weight and achieve my health & fitness goals.

• Night time snacking: I’ve gotten back into that horrible habit of snacking in the evening—sometimes whether I’m hungry or not. When I was doing my best, I did not snack in the evening.
• Lack of exercise: I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for my lack of exercise (being sick multiple times), so I’m not really getting down on myself about this one— I’m Simply noting that I was getting to the gym when I was doing my best. 
• Slacking on H2O intake: Yep, that’s right. I have been drinking water, but certainly not in the amounts that I was before.
• Indulging too much: We have purchased pints of ice cream a couple of times and bringing ice cream into the house is just not a good idea. In the last few weeks I have had a cupcake, a Starbucks chocolate chunk cookie, and a caramel Cadbury egg. That’s definitely not going to help me lose weight.
• Eating out: When hubby and I were making the most progress, we rarely ate out. We were all about cooking that healthy meal at home—and really enjoying it!
• Not cooking enough: This goes hand-in-hand with the last one, but I have been slacking on the cooking. I’ve been doing whatever is easy and convenient instead of really planning meals with a variety of healthy foods. The meals aren’t necessarily bad for us, but they’re getting dull and it’s never a good thing to get bored with your food when you’re trying to lose weight.
• Lack of blogging & reading blogs: I’ve been busy! But I also know that I am able to stay more focused on my goals when I am following the weight loss journeys of other bloggers. I also do a lot better when I’m honest with myself (like I am being right now) and blog about what’s going on in my head.

Getting this all out “on paper” helps me put it all into perspective. These are all things that can easily be fixed with a conscious effort. If I get it together right now, there’s a chance that I could still log a loss for the month of February. That’s my goal!

Weigh in Day: Trying Something New

 

I have wasted another week after not tracking my points. This time, I gained 1.5 lbs.

It’s all me, it’s not Weight Watchers. I just can’t seem to stick to the plan and how long am I going to keep trying to do the same thing?

But I just need a change—even if it’s just for a little while. Something to jump start my weight loss and make me feel good about myself, which always motivates me.

After stepping on the scale this morning, I decided I’ve had enough. I want to see progress and I want to see it now.

I want something strict to get me back on track and I don’t want to have to worry about what I’m going to eat—just for now. I know this is not a long term solution, but it’s what I feel I need to do right now.

I’ve selected a plan that will accomplish this for me. I don’t want to share what it is quite yet—I want to see what I think first. Maybe after the first two weeks are over? We’ll see.

I’ve never done a plan like this so it will be all new to me. I’ve had several friends tell me about their progress and how great they feel. I’ve been skeptical, but at this point I’m ready to try anything. I’m not canceling WW just yet.

So, I bought a 30 day kit of the plan and hubby is going to do it with me and we’ll split the kit and do this for 2 weeks to see what we think.

I’m betting that hubby will lose all of his weight in the first week and I’ll have 3 weeks to myself. HA Isn’t that how it works though?

I’m hopeful.

Weigh in Day: How did I get here?

 

I had another gain this week which puts me only a couple of pounds below my starting weight. And I can feel it.

My body feels huge and unfamiliar. This isn’t me. It can’t be. I’ve already successfully lost a lot of weight—how can I find it such an impossible task now?

It’s because I never fixed the root cause and I do believe the cause is emotional eating.

I saw a picture of myself sitting down yesterday. For some reason sitting down pictures are just horrific—all of the blubber piles up and isn’t distributed like when I’m standing up. I couldn’t believe it was me. I seriously did not know I was that big. How did that happen?

Yesterday was the first time I couldn’t do something with my daughter that I wanted to because of my weight. There was this giant jumping pillow and it said you had to weigh less than 225 lbs. to jump on it. I hated that. I was able to take her down this huge slide though.

I’ve begun again today and I’m tracking my food, which hasn’t been happening regularly.

I feel like I’m at a great place to begin addressing the emotional eating issues again. I’m going to make an appointment to meet with my therapist again when I can—probably not for a couple of weeks.

I am feeling really well lately (except for the brief few days last weekend). I have my old energy back.

I met a friend for a little outing last week and went to the fall festival yesterday. I never would have survived either of those activities a few weeks ago without breaking down in tears.

I’ve actually kept the house relatively clean for about three weeks now. It helps that the FIL has been coming over pretty regularly! haha But really, I have been doing a great job keeping the house looking good. I’ve also kept up on the laundry and have cooked some new recipes! That’s pretty good comparing to where I have been.

This afternoon I was feeling that emotional eating feeling and I wanted to stuff my face with sugar. I stopped and I thought about it and made a conscious decision to drink a cup of coffee instead. It wasn’t long and the feeling passed and I felt just fine. Victory! I can do this, but it will take a lot of mindfulness.

But I just have to do this. I cannot gain any more weight or get any larger. I’m miserable, so why do I keep doing this to myself? I know I’m not alone in this but it sure feels like I’m the only weird one.

Anyways, thanks for reading and have a great weekend!

Weigh in day, etc.

I had to weigh in yesterday which was a day early. This was a day after my birthday and I ate some foods that I wouldn’t normally eat! Other than that, I had a good week.

I did gain .3 of a lb. but I am sure that was due to eating salty food for supper on Wednesday night. I’m sure I would have had a loss otherwise and that’s encouraging!!

I’m really proud of myself and how well I have been doing lately (except for the birthday eats). I will be out and about this weekend though and I’m hoping I don’t lose all willpower and go over board. I will be doing lots of walking though, so that will help.

On another note, I have been feeling very good the past few days. I started a higher dose of Wellbutrin and I don’t know if it’s that or what, but I am feeling so much more like myself—and a calmer version of myself, actually.

I know I’ve had some anxiety issues all of my life and I probably should have gotten help before! I just didn’t know how bad I really was.

So fingers crossed that I’m making progress on this road to postpartum depression recovery! I just feel happy and more fulfilled.

This blog has been a lifesaver for me because it gives me an outlet to write. You’ve surely noticed more sponsored posts lately and I hope you’re ok with that. It helps me feel more fulfilled to have assignments with deadlines where I can earn a little money to help pay the bills & put my mind to work writing. Not to mention, I am able to purchase more fun blog stuff and am planning some fun giveaways in the future!!

This past week there have been quite a few of these posts and that won’t happen on a normal week—it just seemed that my pitches were selected for articles due all in the same week! My goal is to accept opportunities that I think I can write an article for that fits my personality or may be of use to you, my lovely readers. But ultimately, I don’t want to lose sight of my true goal—which is to write my heart out.

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!

Weigh in Day

 

Here I am again sitting down to write about how I couldn’t get it together again!

This past week had its ups and downs and ultimately I did not keep tracking my points. Again.

I gained .6 this week for a total weight loss of 6.1 lbs.

I’m not 100% sure if I will continue Simply Filling or just go back to counting points this week. Attempting to follow Simply Filling this past week did make me more mindful of the quality of the food I was eating, so that was good for me.

Today hubby texted me and told me that I was awesome, smart, lovable, kind, and sexy (ha). It made me smile but I immediately thought, “but I’m not skinny”. Wow. Hubby thinks I have all of these other qualities but I discount every single one of them because I’m not skinny. That’s pretty messed up. Why do I place so much value on my weight?

Hubby and I both made a promise to each other last night that we would put our all into trying to lose weight this week. I know if we work together we can do this…but we both seem to be giving up too easily lately! We’ll give it another go this week.

This weekend’s forecast is fabulously beautiful—high’s in the 60s and sunny. That’s my kind of weather! I want to get out for some walks this weekend since it’s not unbearably hot.

We don’t have any big plans this weekend and I’m sure we’ll be home for the majority of it since baby girl isn’t feeling well. I’m thinking I might be able to go out and get groceries by myself—which I will enjoy.

I’m also planning to repaint the area where I put my desk…and possibly paint my desk. I want to go with a very neutral color like gray or tan. I’m thinking a light gray. I want the style to be shabby chic. Any ideas on products you’ve seen or style ideas?

Have a great weekend!

Weigh in Day: Falling Down

I don’t even want to blog about my weigh in today but I have to be honest with myself. It may have been easier back when nobody read my blog! But I’m not giving up, so why not continue to write about my journey?

I gained 3.1 lbs. I know I didn’t eat nearly enough calories to make all of that actual fat gain so I’m sure a portion of that is water weight. I knew I would gain this week.

Starting on Wednesday afternoon, I got insanely tired. This followed feeling the same way on Thursday evening. I lost all ambition and energy and quickly started feeling depressed. Bam. Just like that.

Instead of taking a nap, I started snacking. I got more and more tired until I could hardly even keep my eyes open. When hubby got home, I asked him to stay home with me because I knew I would need help with the little one based on how I was feeling.

It was about 5:30 and I laid down on our bed and I fell fast asleep. When I woke up, I didn’t want to get out of bed—but I did. I managed to give the little one a bath and put her to bed for the night, but I continued to be tired.

For two days, hubby and I didn’t eat a real supper. We just sat down and ate toast. I made sure to get something healthy together for the little one to eat, but I mean it when I say I had absolutely no energy.

I kept trying to make up for it by eating, which seems to be the way I try to deal with everything. I felt guilty eating, but I did it anyways. I wanted to feel better, but of course the food didn’t help.

Yesterday, I found enough energy to get quite a few things done. By the afternoon, I was super tired again. I had to run an errand and I felt like I could fall asleep the entire time. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me, other than the depression.

I have this feeling like something isn’t right, but I have no idea what. What would make me so incredibly tired? Could it just be the depression? I’ve been wondering if my medication has stopped working based on how I’ve been feeling lately. I haven’t gotten back to feeling really good like I did a couple of months ago and it’s interesting to see that’s when my weight loss stopped too.

Anyways, I’m still struggling and I refuse to give up completely. I know I am doing the right thing by seeking professional help via therapy. I just have to conquer whatever it is that causes me to eat. I have to. I can’t keep living like this. I have to love myself enough to believe that change is worth it and overeating is not.

Weigh in Day

I was so looking forward to weigh in day today because I expected a loss after sticking to my points for the week. But, as usual, I gained 2 lbs. after a good week on track. Are you starting to see what I mean when I say my body is weird?

The only thing that I can think of is that last night I went to therapy and we ate out after that. I ordered a salad topped with chicken but you never really know how much sodium is in something when you eat out. I also had a few tortilla chips, which is more added salt. So I’ll just hang in there and see how I do next week.

Stats:

	This Week	Last Week
Weekly Points Used:	49	-
Activity Points Earned:	25	18
Activity Points Used:	22	-
Total Steps:	51,438	44,216
Weight Change:	+ 2	- 2.5

As you can see, I increased my steps this week so that shows an increase in activity overall. However, I need to do better about my workouts because I only got in a couple.

This week was a good test week to see how I want to schedule my days. I realized that I don’t really want to require myself to work out early in the morning because one benefit of being a SAHM with only one child is that I can finally sleep later than 5 a.m….especially now that she’s older and doesn’t wake up in the nights as often. I might as well enjoy the sleep while I can and it also seems like I need it because I am always so tired. I like to have low key mornings.

Let’s be honest, I’d probably do better waking up early to focus on writing than I would to exercise. ha.

I’m thinking this week I will try to schedule my workout during baby girl’s first nap…that is if I don’t go for a walk/jog with her in the stroller, which would really be the best option. I will figure out how to get it all together eventually.

Overall, I feel like I was really productive this week. I conquered a huge project by converting my office into a fitness room. I also kept the house organized except for a hectic day when we got home late and didn’t feel like straightening up. So that’s a win. I am seeing how I can keep that up!

I only completed 1/4 of my goals for the week though. Eek. I need to work on more focus…I tend to hop from project to project instead of finishing the one I’m on!

Did you meet your goals this week? How did your weigh in go? Do you hop from project to project or do you have laser focus?

Weigh in Day & Food Boredom

It was pretty horrible and I expected it to be while hoping that it wouldn’t be. I gained another 1.7 lb. So now I am up 2.8 lbs. from my lowest.

While I did super well last week and had a gain, I did not do so well this week. I got through the 4th of July just fine, tracking all of my points and even walked a 5k. And then I woke up Sunday morning feeling overwhelmed and exhausted which led to stress and emotional eating. Totally guilty.

The problem is that I stopped tracking again. Why do I do that? I can’t seem to break the “needing to start again on Monday Friday” mindset. Ugh—I am a train wreck in pretty much every single way right now.

I know that change is 100% up to me. I want to change but I need to start creating new habits. Emotional eating has been a part of me for as long as I can remember—I can’t just say “stop emotional eating”, but I need to replace it with something. I am going to follow my counselor’s advice this week and when/if I feel the need to eat for reasons other than hunger, I will snack on carrot sticks or apples. It’s hard to gain weight eating those.

It also seems that when I am feeling like I do when I begin to eat my emotions, I just don’t care. I lose all ability to think logically and I just want some chocolate. I actually bought chocolate when I had to run into the store on Sunday, when I was feeling especially emotionally drained. Perhaps it’s like an addiction and I’m just craving that rush of feel good hormones. Maybe I should go to rehab. ha.

Lately, I open the fridge and can’t stand the thought of eating a spinach salad even though I bought the spinach in hopes that I would eat it. Ever since I was pregnant I have found salads disgusting. Well, I should say that I find salads that I make disgusting. I love eating at a salad bar or eating a salad made by someone else but the thought of eating a salad that I’ve made at home makes me want to gag. And I used to love salads and it’s one way that I made sure to eat healthy at lunch time.

I cannot stand ranch dressing ever since I followed Trim Healthy Mama and ate it all of the time because a certain brand of ranch was one of the few approved salad dressings. I have tried buying iceberg lettuce to see if maybe I just didn’t like spinach anymore and that still didn’t work. I should try boiling eggs and get some flavorful and healthy salad toppings that I would like. What a conundrum!

I am just bored with my food lately. Nothing sounds good. I stock up the house with healthy foods every week but I am struggling to figure out what to cook at meal times. All I really want to eat lately is cereal. Literally, I had cereal for supper last night. I could force myself to eat certain things but I’m not sure that is the answer either.

The meal I enjoyed the most last week was a grilled chicken sandwich and side salad at Culver’s. The salad was delicious because I didn’t make it, I guess. Plus I really love their French salad dressing. But anyway, I could make both of those things at home.

My method of cooking has always been that when we get hungry I cook something up. It didn’t matter how long it took, we just waited until it was done and ate. However, it seems like baby girl gets hungry way before hubby and I do or long before hubby gets home. So then I’m rushing to get something healthy together for a fussy baby and then we end up eating the same things over and over again.

I need to plan better and prepare our meals earlier so they are ready. Or maybe I need to start feeding baby girl a snack. Right now she typically just eats her three meals per day. Either way, I think it comes down to planning.

So anyways, this was just a free write of my thoughts. I’m disappointed in myself (again). I wish I could just rewind to the person I was when I lost almost 90 lbs. Apparently, I’ve picked up some bad habits since then—again.

I have not thrown in the towel though. I’m not giving up on myself.

Weigh in & 2015 Goal Check in

I was 100% on track for the first time in about a month and do you know what I was rewarded with?

A 1.1 lb. GAIN!

Isn’t it funny how that works? I have been feeling a little “off” the past couple of days…like my body is up to something. So, I’m guessing it’s water weight or something.

I had a lot of NSVs this week, so I’m not really worried about it. I started the Couch to 5K, I was significantly more active, and I only succumbed to emotional eating once. I am seeing progress!

	This Week	Last Week
Weekly Points Used:	49/49	--
Activity Points Earned:	27	11
Activity Points Used:	11	--
Total Steps:	51,990	37,286
Weight Change:	+1.1	-1.6
Total Weight Loss:	-10.2 lbs.

---

It has been quite a while since I checked in with my 2015 goals—so I thought I would do that today since it’s the beginning of the month.

Lose Weight	I’m down 10.2 lbs. since April.
Exercise Regularly	As of this last week I have been walking more and also started the Couch to 5K.
Be Present (unplugged)	I’m still working on this one, but I feel like I have made a little bit of progress. I try to pick up a book more often instead of my phone.
A Single Step (towards being a writer)	I am making progress. I am working on establishing a schedule and setting aside time to write. I have book plans. I’ve contacted an old professor for advice. I’m working on believing in myself.
Make New Friends	Hmmm… sort of. I’ll count new friends when I actually spend time with someone in person. So no, haven’t met this goal yet.
Budget	Ummm… Nope.
Purge	This past month, my biggest accomplishment was purging my tank top drawer. I sold almost all of them. I also attempted to sell some cookbooks, etc. but no luck.
Blog More	Most definitely. I’ve really been enjoying it, although sometimes sharing makes me feel insecure when I don’t get many comments.
Read More	I finished reading What You Can When You Can, and have started reading three more books. I should probably focus on one…
A Better Me	Since being diagnosed with PPD, I have made incredible strides. I’m certainly not perfect, but the therapy has helped and I’ve been doing a lot of emotional work and soul searching.

Not too bad! Looks like I better get back on budget and start making some new friends—the year is half over!

Have a fantastic weekend!

How was your weigh in?

Weigh in day & mental illness talk #postpartumdepression

It is a relief to have stepped on the scale and to have it over with. I gained .7 lb.

The damage wasn’t as bad as I imagined it to be, but also marks three weeks of struggles and being off track. I know that this is all me—it’s not the plan, it’s not because I don’t have time, and it’s not because I don’t have the right foods in the house. It’s just me. It is my mental and emotional state and my lack of using the tools I have to form new habits to replace my emotional eating habit.

It’s a new week now and I can begin again. I know that I can always begin again after even just one bad choice, but there’s something about the clean slate that is extra motivational.

Yesterday, I continued to feel down—like really down. As in I the feelings I used to have where I just yearned for that silence and peace—like I didn’t want to exist anymore. I needed to talk to someone about it but never got the chance.

I hesitate to even admit that because the real me is an ultra-positive, half is glass full kind of gal. But I want to be real on the blog, and this is what was real. Postpartum depression, mental illness, whatever this monster is (yet it is myself), is unexplainable and horrid.

I searched Pinterest last night for anything that could encourage me about this condition. I came across a few things that helped me. I will share some of these in a later post, but one in particular has stuck in my mind, “Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so you can discover that he is the rock at the bottom”. I am thankful that through all of this, He is always there and He does hold me in the shadow of his wings.

I have learned a lot over the past few months and I knew that based on how I felt when I woke up yesterday morning that I needed to get out of the house even though it was the last thing I really wanted to do. So I called hubby and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch. We met at Subway and that brightened my spirits.

I kind of “took a vacation day” yesterday. Baby girl and I went to Kohl’s and Wal-mart afterwards. And then in the evening, we met hubby for supper (salad at Applebee’s) and hubby let me have some time alone while I tried on some swimsuits and got groceries. The swimsuit thing kind of left me feeling worse—ack! But at the end of it all, I needed that quiet time alone—“putting on my oxygen mask first”, if you will.

While at Kohl’s, I ran into this woman who has suffered terrible tragedy in her life and very publicly. I knew who she was because I have seen her suffering in the news. We had an interaction and she was the kindest person to me and baby. This woman who has been through so so much and was still so kind and positive. I didn’t expect that, wouldn’t expect that, but it was really remarkable to me. I could feel her strength in just our short conversation.

I woke up this morning feeling better and I am hoping that I’m over this “bump in the road”. Onward and forward. I am pushing myself to get out of the house again today—this time with some family (women around my age) to go strawberry picking. I am so so hoping this goes ok!!! I must work on controlling the thoughts in my mind.

Have a great weekend!

Weigh in Day

My week got off to a rough start and ended slightly bumpy. I had a couple of good days in there where I tracked everything and stayed within my points. It really screws with my head when I haven’t tracked and don’t really know where I’m at for the week.

There are two ways I could approach this week’s weigh in:

1. If I didn’t decide to skip last week’s weigh in (I did weigh in but decided not to count it and move on), I would have lost 1 lb. this week.
2. If I went with my original plan and didn’t count last week’s weigh in, I would have gained .8 lb. from two weeks ago.

Either way, I’m going to just say I’m .8 lb. from my lowest weight. That makes sense. But, I am happy that I did actually lose 1 lb. this week even though I am still up from my lowest. It’s all a mind game!

I’m a little worried about this week because we have plans over the weekend where I could very easily eat too many points. But on the other hand, we do have some activity planned so that will help (as long as the weather cooperates).

I am going to commit to tracking everything, no matter what. Sometimes I think I am doing terrible and then when I track the points I realize that it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Well, I have a lot to get accomplished so I better get going!

How was your weigh in this week?

Weigh in Day and Finalized Outfits for Family Photos

Before stepping on the scale this morning, I mentally prepared myself for a large gain. When I stepped on the scale, I was surprised to find that I could actually breathe a sigh of relief.

I only gained .1 lb.! Now imagine if I had stayed on track this week…I probably would have had a nice loss. But you never know.

Stats for the week:

• Weekly Points Used: All of them and then some 
• Activity Points Earned: 22
• Activity Points Used: All of them and then some
• Total steps: 46,546
• Weight Loss this Week: +.1
• Total Weight Loss to Date: –10.3 lbs.

I’m especially happy that I didn’t lose my “10 lbs. lost status”. I haven’t even gotten my pedicure yet!!

This brings up something that I need to work on—when I inevitably mess up sometimes, I need to remember that every healthy choice counts. I don’t need to wait until weigh in day to “start over again” with a clean slate. It’s totally a mind thing and as much as I wanted to keep at it…I kept thinking in the back of my mind, “well, what’s the point? I’ve already messed up this much!”. There is a point—health, and it doesn’t start and stop depending upon a couple of “bad” choices. It all counts.

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I was so excited to see that I received the skirt I ordered in the mail today!! I rushed inside to try it on and…”oh no”…I pulled another Alissa.

You see, I routinely make these stupid mistakes. Like accidently ordering the wrong color leaves for the tree decal in the nursery, or buying paint that I thought was gray and it was actually purple, or adding a cup of rosemary and salt to a recipe instead of 1 Tbs. Ok, that one is from long, long ago and was my first cooking experience, but you get the picture.

So what did I do? I gave the wrong measurements for my skirt! 3” too large, to be exact. I tried on the skirt and I literally cannot keep it on me because it’s so huge.

I may tend to make dumb mistakes like this from time to time, but you know what I’m also good at? Fixing problems. Although my sister says that I do not need to try to “fix” everything all of the time, I tend to think that in some ways this is a good quality that I have when it applies to things that do not involve emotional fixing…which is where I have a problem…and I’m working on fixing that one with my counselor…so I guess I just like to fix things. lol

Alright, so I thought…this skirt is just too perfect for the family photos that I’m not going to just give up on it. Better too big than too small. I safety pinned it together and it works. The next time I see my mom, I will see if she can fix it for me.

I really like how it turned out! What do you think? I will need to wear an additional tank underneath to make sure the chevron doesn’t show through my tank. The picture isn’t the greatest because I don’t have a good mirror (it’s old and has this foggy appearance that doesn’t come off of it).

I bought my tops at Old Navy (both the denim and the tank), and the skirt is from Needle Nook by Marcy on Etsy. The headband is from Hipsy Headbands which I ordered from Amazon Prime (affiliate link).

Here is what baby girl will wear:

And then I picked up this shirt for hubby at Old Navy. I was in a hurry and when I was leaving I saw a shirt that had all of the colors that we’re wearing…but don’t think I’ll have time to go back and get that one.

So what do you think?

Do you have a Survivor or Victim Mentality in Weight Loss and Life?

The concept of survivor vs. victim mentality was introduced to me in a counseling session, of which I have been going to for postpartum depression recovery. We were discussing a difficult relationship and her advice was invaluable to me—I do plan to blog about dealing with negative relationships soon, but what I find especially intriguing right now is applying this concept to weight loss.

I believe that I have taken on both the survivor and the victim mentality throughout the years. I remember the first time that I met my doctor and I was struggling to lose more weight, having already lost a significant amount, and she told me “you are NOT a failure”. I hadn’t mentioned anything about feeling like a failure, but somehow she had just the right words.

I remember coming home, getting on my recumbent bike and biking my heart out with tears streaming down my face.

I am NOT a failure. I, Alissa, am NOT a failure.

The thought was amazingly freeing and it was a huge turning point for me.

I finally realized that all of the heartbreak I had endured with various people (adults, coaches, and peers) telling me that who I was wasn’t good enough, skinny enough, fast enough, talented enough, pretty enough, outgoing enough—none of that was true.

These were no longer excuses for me to feel like a victim broken by life and like I didn’t measure up—instead, they were experiences that made me stronger, better, and kinder. I was a survivor of these experiences. It doesn’t mean that these experiences were not painful, that they weren’t wrong in so many ways, or that it was even a gift that I went through them. It simply meant that life threw cruelty in my face in so many ways and that I am still standing strong—better for it.

It took me a very long time to get to this place of acceptance and strength. And to this day, I can honestly say that I truly believe that the comments made about me and cruel actions towards me are not a reflection of myself, but a reflection of the inflictor. These were their issues, not mine. I am a survivor.

A SURVIVOR.

The word simply invokes strength out of what felt like weakness. It is a shift in mentality that I am finding is a key to happiness.

And so I have been thinking about ways in which I am taking on a victim role in regard to weight loss and my life in general. These are areas of my life that I need to take responsibility for and take action. That doesn’t mean that they are not valid, or that I am silly for feeling a certain way—it simply means that to move forward and to be a survivor, I have to take action. Nobody can do this for me except for me.

• Victim mentality: I have always felt like I received the short end of the stick in the genetics department. Somehow, I inherited the weight problem.
• Survivor mentality: I may have been born with a tendency to be overweight, but I can make changes to get my health under control.

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• Victim mentality: I can’t stop eating my emotions because so and so invokes these feelings and makes me upset.
• Survivor mentality: No one controls my actions except for me. So and so may be unkind, but I am allowing myself to get upset and I am also choosing to eat.

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• Victim mentality: No one likes me as much as they like so and so. They never have and they never will.
• Survivor mentality: Even if people were cruel in the past, it doesn’t mean that everyone is that way or that it was my fault. If I try to be more friendly, people will probably respond—if they don’t, that’s their problem, not mine.

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• Victim mentality: Everyone else can eat whatever they want whenever they want. If I so much as look at a cookie, I will gain 10 lbs. It’s just not fair.
• Survivor mentality: Maybe it doesn’t seem fair, but this is the body I have been given and I will only live once. It’s not that I don’t get to eat delicious foods, it’s just that I have set goals that I want to meet and so I must practice moderation. I will be happier having met my goals. The sooner I accept the fact that this is just the way my metabolism is, the sooner I can take steps to move forward.

 

My examples are kind of “big” issues, but I think it’s easy to have the victim mentality in many shapes and forms. Throughout my journey with PPD, I have learned that my thoughts are incredibly impactful.

Just because we have a victim mentality right now does not mean that we can’t change the way that we think. It’s possible. It takes a lot of mindfulness to identify these thoughts and then change them—but it’s possible.

I can be a survivor and so can you.

 

Can you identify any ways that you have taken on the victim mentality? How can you change that into the survivor mentality?

Friday’s Weigh in and Update

I have been super busy since Thursday and haven’t had a moment to check in to tell you about my weigh in. I don’t have anything exciting to share. After a week of staying on track and doing well I gained .3 lb.

I ate supper at 8:30 p.m. on Thursday night and I’m pretty sure that just threw my weigh in so it’s not a big deal that I had a gain this week—it was simply water retention, etc. and I’m sure of it. We had a last minute at-home date night and it was well worth it! I even stuck to my points—I ended up using 1 Activity Point though.

• Weekly Points Used: 49/49
• Activity Points Used: 1
• Activity Points Earned: 27
• Total steps: 52,044
• Weight Loss this Week: +.3
• Total Weight Loss to Date: –6.6 lbs.

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Hubby took Friday off of work and so I decided to fit in all of my appointments while he would be around. On Thursday afternoon, I met with my counselor and we had a great discussion about dealing with negative people and how to break the cycle in those relationships. I will write a post on this at a later date because it’s really good information and will take a lot of practice on my part.

On Friday morning, hubby and I worked on cleaning the house and getting everything ready for company and baby girl’s first birthday party. The house is looking infinitely better and that makes me feel better too. Now I can work on the smaller cleaning projects and not feel so overwhelmed by it all.

That morning I also had an appointment with my PA. It was a blood pressure, asthma, and general check up and talk about my postpartum depression progress. The good news is that my blood pressure is great and I haven’t been having any asthma trouble—I’m kind of wondering if there was mold in the office that I used to work at because I would have a terrible time whenever I was there.

I mentioned my FitBit sleep patterns because they have been horrible and they weren’t like that a few years ago. Seriously, it will show me restless 37x in the night. She wants me to do a home sleep study to make sure I don’t have sleep apnea because that could cause my lack of energy too. Ugh. Another reason to get this weight off!!! The office is checking into it all and with my insurance.

My parents arrived on Friday afternoon and so my mom accompanied me to my psychiatrist appointment. At my request, she added an anxiety medication and I’m hoping that will help me while I learn the skills to cope. I am a complete and utter disaster when something “stressful” to me is going on and I cannot live like that.

After that, we picked up party supplies and a couple more birthday gifts and then headed home. This was the first time that hubby watched baby girl while I was gone for longer than an hour or so. My parents bought her a wagon as part of her birthday present and she absolutely loves it (and so does Hubby)! Hubby and my dad walked around with her in that to keep her happy.

Since Friday was her birthday, we had cake pops to celebrate. I gave her the cake pop and she knew exactly what to do. She just held onto the stick and took little bites. It was pretty cute.

The rest of the weekend was filled with party prep, the actual party, and lots of resting to recover. I am glad it’s all over and that we survived it all. I am not quite up for having company like that yet and that was very evident to me during all of this. Thank GOODNESS my parents were here and everyone pitched in to help—it was a team effort. I can’t wait to show you all of the photos from the party!

On another note, I ate pretty terribly this weekend! I did a whole lot of stress eating and I just didn’t care. Obviously, I do not know how to deal with stress in a healthy way—but I’ll get there. I counted every single bite and I’m still on track—just about out of weekly points though!

How was your weekend?