You won't believe this

I saw a new doctor yesterday and you won't believe what I found out. It was enough to make my jaw drop when he told me. I wanted to cry.

My first visit, as part of a medically supervised weight loss program (totally healthy, BTW), lasted an hour and a half and consisted of going over every aspect of my health and history with obesity. This included family history, diets I have tried, what I'm currently eating, and medications that I'm taking.

For once, I felt like a doctor was truly listening to me. Not only that, but he understood me. He has been researching obesity for years and has developed a program that is in its early years, but one that has seen a lot of success at not only helping people with chronic obesity related diseases lose weight, but go off of medications and also maintain the weight loss.

That gives you a small picture of the background of this program and I plan on blogging about it as I continue my weight loss journey. The last year or so has left me feeling like there truly was no hope left-- I actually found this program through a series of searches, beginning with bariatric surgery. I have been trying diet after diet and failing absolutely miserably at it. Not only that, my weight has PACKED ON over the last few years-- but at an even more drastic amount in the past year.

So what was so shocking that the doctor told me?

It all begins in early 2013 when I was switched to a blood pressure medication that was deemed safe for pregnancy. I have continued on this medication until just yesterday-- so over four years.

Yesterday, the doctor told me that I immediately needed to stop taking that medication because it has been known to cause depression and even considerable numbers of suicide. Wow. Just. Wow.

So it's possible that the pregnancy filled with anxiety and stress, followed by postpartum depression, severe anxiety, and overall the worst experience of my life-- could have been caused simply by a medication. Not to mention the fact that I've had a history of turning to food to cope.

And for FOUR YEARS, not one physician even brought up the possibility that it could have been caused by a medication. Instead, I was put on an additional three medications for depression and anxiety and also sent to counseling. Overall, I saw a total of seven physicians who all had my medication list. In one day at a new health system, a doctor and a pharmacist were baffled as to why I was on this outdated medication.

Not only that, do you remember this post? The one where I intentionally went to my doctor to ask her WHY I was still having such severe bouts of depression and that it was so out of character for me to feel how I was feeling? The one where she was downright disrespectful of me and basically just told me that I needed to lose weight?

That's right-- not one concern was shown for my intuition that something wasn't right. And I am here two more years later still dealing with those same bouts of depression-- the kind where I will suddenly feel like I don't even want to live any more. Thankfully, I have grown to recognize these patterns but I have spent years doubting myself and showering myself in guilt and shame.

It truly makes me begin to distrust the medical community. That's a broad assumption to distrust the entire medical community and I do know that my new doctor is certainly an exception-- his goal is to get his patients off of medication. Isn't that the way that it should be? Shouldn't we be curing illnesses rather than stacking medicine upon medicine in an attempt to mask the symptoms?

Let's not even mention the fact that one of the medications I'm on for anxiety is also known to cause weight gain. A combination of factors have led to the perfect storm and I'm left tattered.

My hope is now that I'm on a different blood pressure medication, my overall disposition will begin to return to who I was four years ago. At that time, I had been through some life challenges that were stressful and was trying so hard to get back on my feet again in the weight loss game.

I have been combing through my medical records and I figured this out-- from the time I began truly struggling with my weight, as in beginning to gain a little bit from my absolute lowest weight, only six months passed before I started the medication and the rest is history.

There's no use in getting hung up on the woulda, shoulda, couldas-- but it is still mind-blowing to think about it. I'm hopeful that things will slowly begin to change for me in the weight department and I can become the girl I worked so hard to become when I was on top of my game.

I guess the next year or so should tell!

What a difference!

I was just looking at a couple of pictures from when I was suffering with depression, anxiety, and just feeling overwhelmed in general. I had absolutely no energy to get even the simplest of things done. Even when I felt like I was recovered, I still felt like I was surviving... but not truly living.

Fast forward about 6 months and all of that has changed. I owe a huge part of that to the nutritional system I've found. I have mental clarity, am able to handle stress better, have more energy, and even my skin is brighter.

A picture is worth a thousand words!

I have lost and kept off weight since then, and I work every day to keep my mind in the game. There is no magic pill, but this is definitely a vehicle to get me to my "after".

If you are suffering with stress, lack of energy, or your weight-- please reach out to me and I would love to help you learn about what I'm doing. I know there are people (like myself) out there searching for the answer-- and those are the people this message is for. It's not for everyone, and that's perfectly ok. But for some of us it's such a gift.

I'm forever thankful!

My email is AJourney2Thin@gmail.com or you can reach out via social media.

Indoor Play Time Outing

Today was another first for me—and another step in the right direction. I took Little Miss Sunshine to an open gym playtime for little ones. She had a lot of fun. There were various pieces of play equipment, a bouncy house, balls, etc. There were probably 10 other children there. It only cost $3 for her to play and I would say that was well worth it for a new and different activity where she could run around during the winter months.

Why was this a big step for me?

I have been talking a long time about wanting to take Little Miss Sunshine to some sort of activity where there are other kids to play around/with, but this is really the first time I’ve done it (the park and mall being an exception). I felt anxious the entire time, but did it anyways and I’d take her again.

It all comes down to my thoughts—still thinking other moms are looking at me and thinking negatively of me. It’s not NEARLY as bad as it used to be when I was suffering with PPD, but there’s still just a tiny bit of that going on in my head and it’s something I need to continue to work on. I do remember thinking to myself, “You have just as much a right as every other person to be here—so just stop thinking like that”. So that means I was conscious about my thoughts a little bit.

Since this is something I’m “afraid” of, I think that the more I do it the less afraid I will be because I will grow more confident. It seems like a small battle, but it really isn’t for me! It would be a lot easier to just stay home and not take any risks.

I didn’t try socializing with any other mothers and may have avoided them a little bit. Hey, one step at a time, right? Eventually, I would like to do something like this once per week. It’s good for both myself and Little Miss Sunshine. I just hate that it has to be so far away for any activities. There used to be something similar in my town but I guess it was discontinued. I might look into trying to get it started up again. Who knows? Maybe the mom who kept it going doesn’t have kids that age anymore.

What activities do/did you do with your toddlers in the wintertime?

Weigh in day, etc.

I had to weigh in yesterday which was a day early. This was a day after my birthday and I ate some foods that I wouldn’t normally eat! Other than that, I had a good week.

I did gain .3 of a lb. but I am sure that was due to eating salty food for supper on Wednesday night. I’m sure I would have had a loss otherwise and that’s encouraging!!

I’m really proud of myself and how well I have been doing lately (except for the birthday eats). I will be out and about this weekend though and I’m hoping I don’t lose all willpower and go over board. I will be doing lots of walking though, so that will help.

On another note, I have been feeling very good the past few days. I started a higher dose of Wellbutrin and I don’t know if it’s that or what, but I am feeling so much more like myself—and a calmer version of myself, actually.

I know I’ve had some anxiety issues all of my life and I probably should have gotten help before! I just didn’t know how bad I really was.

So fingers crossed that I’m making progress on this road to postpartum depression recovery! I just feel happy and more fulfilled.

This blog has been a lifesaver for me because it gives me an outlet to write. You’ve surely noticed more sponsored posts lately and I hope you’re ok with that. It helps me feel more fulfilled to have assignments with deadlines where I can earn a little money to help pay the bills & put my mind to work writing. Not to mention, I am able to purchase more fun blog stuff and am planning some fun giveaways in the future!!

This past week there have been quite a few of these posts and that won’t happen on a normal week—it just seemed that my pitches were selected for articles due all in the same week! My goal is to accept opportunities that I think I can write an article for that fits my personality or may be of use to you, my lovely readers. But ultimately, I don’t want to lose sight of my true goal—which is to write my heart out.

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!

Update on my plan, psychiatrist visit, and life in general

It probably won’t come as much of a surprise that I have failed miserably at sticking to my new Simply Filling plan. But I’m still on board with following the plan.

This holiday weekend brought a series of unplanned events and outings and I ended up going way off track. Pizza, donuts, ice cream, cookies, pancakes…yikes. I felt horrible by the time the weekend was over.

But I have seen improvements in my food choices overall—not including those parts of the weekend where I was way off track. I went grocery shopping and did not buy any “junk” foods. The contents of my cart looked much healthier!

On Friday night, hubby told me to take Saturday and go out and enjoy some alone time. I don’t know why, but I was nervous about it and felt guilty. But once I was out the door and on the road I felt much better about it.

It is AMAZING what a little bit of alone time can do. This was my first outing by myself since baby was born. I cranked up my music and sang in the car, did a little shopping, ate lunch in the car, went to Barnes & Noble and sat at the Starbucks drinking an iced latte and eating a cookie while reading my book, and finally I went grocery shopping—ALONE.

By the time I got home, I felt so refreshed. I was able to be the patient and loving mother and wife that I want to be. I really needed a break—I see that now and so does hubby. Even baby girl seemed happier after having some quality time with daddy. I think we both needed a little break from each other!

Sunday, hubby’s dad invited us out for Chinese. And then that evening we all left on a little road trip to meet some of hubby’s relatives. That was completely unplanned.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I explained everything to her. I don’t feel like she really hears me. I feel like I’m being rushed in and pushed out sometimes. She tells me the exact same things every single time. She asks me questions that I answer the same every single time. She obviously does not look at my file before seeing me and I find that frustrating.

Anyways, she tells me that of course I have chemical based depression and that means that I don’t have enough serotonin. But how does she know that’s what’s causing my symptoms? She’s just guessing. I tried to explain everything that happens, etc. and her answer is to up my anxiety meds and doubled my Xanax and told me to take it before I get anxious. Ummm? How am I supposed to know beforehand that I am going to be too anxious for my own health?

She says the buzzing feeling in my arms and my legs is the anxiety. She asks me abruptly, “Why do you feel like that?”—Well, I don’t know! That’s the point. Isn’t that exactly what depression and anxiety are? You have thoughts and feelings and you don’t know why or how to stop them. You’d think a psychiatrist would know that. Something isn’t quite right and I want to figure out what isn’t right before I just keep taking more and more medications.

I told her how it was like a flip of a switch for me and the depression comes on suddenly and can last for days or for weeks. Her response, “we all have times we feel sad, even on the medications”. DUH. There is a big difference between feeling sad, and feeling like you want to die, lacking all energy, crying all the time, feeling like a dark cloud surrounds you, and feeling hopeless. I know what it feels like to have a bad day—and what I feel is not just a bad day. But she doesn’t seem to hear me. Maybe it’s time to find a new psychiatrist.

Anyways, baby girl came down with a 102 fever yesterday afternoon. Poor baby. She went to bed last night at 6:30 and is still sleeping this morning at 10 a.m.! That’s a sure sign she doesn’t feel well. I’m glad she is resting though because that’s the best medicine. Hopefully it’s short lived.

A History of Emotional Eating, Introspection, and Journaling

As a start to my therapy to find out why I struggle so much with emotional eating, I have been journaling when I eat and I know I’m eating for emotional reasons and not because I’m actually hungry.

I am ok with eating when I’m just enjoying a moment where food is involved—like enjoying a s’more or a delicious meal with family. I know that these occasional indulgences are not the root of my problem—it’s the overeating, or perhaps the bingeing, that I do in response to emotions.

Journaling has been eye opening. If you’re a long time reader, you know that I used to journal my food every day via pictures here on my blog. I would talk about a lot of things that happened throughout my day and how I was feeling. But the type of journaling that I’m doing now is much different and it is helping me become aware of what it feels like when I want to eat/binge on chocolate. Chocolate seems to be my drug of choice.

Here is how I was feeling before I decided to eat whatever food I was eating for emotional reasons within the past week:

emotionally drained, tired, overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, hormonal, anxious, frustrated, stressed, and feeling judged.

Now that I’ve been paying attention, I can literally feel it coming on. My entire body becomes tense, I feel tired, and the only thing I can think about is getting that sugar fix. Literally, I cannot get it off of my mind. And sometimes I feel better after eating something, but most of the time I don’t and it leads to a downward spiral.

This is certainly not something new and sugar/chocolate has not always been my fix. I can actually pinpoint exactly when chocolate became my drug of choice.

It began when I was 18 years old and was working a summer in Branson, MO and living with my aunt and uncle. I was working my first job. I was trying to come out of my shell and make friends, etc. It was so incredibly stressful for me, which now I understand is simply because I am an introvert (for the most part). I would have been better suited finding friends who enjoyed talking about literature and current events—but those are hard to find and I didn’t know at that time really who I was.

One day after work, I sat in the living room and I started eating Cadbury fruit and nut bites. Of course, I thought they were kind of healthy because they had fruit and nuts—ha. My aunt came home (she also has weight issues), and saw my pile of wrappers on the end table and asked me if I had eaten all of them.

I was shocked when I looked over and saw how many I had eaten. Probably 15 pieces or so. It was completely mindless. Maybe that’s why I felt like I needed it—it was like an escape from everything I was feeling. All I had to focus on was the rich, creamy chocolate melting in my mouth and sending my endorphins into overdrive. In those moments I felt better.

I remember shrugging it off and telling my aunt that it wasn’t a big deal. I believe she warned me about diabetes, something that she suffers from. But her attitude was judgmental and it hurt. I felt so much shame. After that, I would use one wrapper and crumple up the wrappers into little pieces and stick them inside the one wrapper so no one could see how many pieces I had actually eaten if they happened to see wrappers in the trash can. Now I see how that is disordered eating and probably considered bingeing.

Prior to those days, my drug of choice was anything that was junk food.

Middle school was incredibly stressful for me. Now I know that I have probably suffered from anxiety pretty much my entire life, but I didn’t know that then. Other kids made fun of me because I was larger than they were. I was awkward in my gym uniform and even less coordinated in sports. I hated changing clothes in the locker room. I hated putting on my swimsuit on my overweight body and having to swim with my entire class while we were in our swimming unit of the curriculum. I hated the laughs as the water splashed when I was required to jump off of the diving board. I was bullied by teachers. I could hardly fit in the small desks. I was painfully shy and would lose all train of thought if called upon in class, making me look like an idiot.

That’s a lot for a 13 year old.

I wouldn’t eat lunch at school because I was too embarrassed to eat in front of people. This meant I would be starving after school and usually have a headache. I would go home and eat anything I could find that wasn’t healthy.

I specifically remember a time when we had a guest at our house. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating and reading the comics from the newspaper—I yearned for this moment every day. I was eating an entire can of vegetable soup and eating bbq chips straight out of the bag.

I kept eating, and eating, and eating.

This guest took the bag of chips and closed it and put a clip on it, saying I had probably eaten enough. This made me angry and embarrassed. I reopened the bag and continued to eat them because well, she wasn’t the boss of me. But now I can see that she saw something that I was not able to see—disordered eating. I don’t know if she judged me for just eating too much, or if she really saw that I was eating for the wrong reasons. I don’t know. But I do know that it hurt. And I continued to feel ashamed.

These habits have never left me. When the going gets tough, I reach for food. When the mountain gets too steep, I stuff chocolate in my mouth. When I am sad, anxious, angry, stressed, or tired—I turn to food.

I have not talked about these events since the day they happened. I am doing a lot of introspection and am finally seeing the error of my ways and I want to change. Right now, I am just tracking what I am doing without really working through stopping myself quite yet. I want to figure out what’s triggering the eating first. I do use some self-control here and there, so it’s not like it’s a free for all. But I know my signs and I know when I’m eating for the wrong reasons.

I’m not quite sure what the overall point of this post is, other than to just express and admit some of my issues with emotional eating. There are so many emotions attached to food and it’s unhealthy for me. I hope that somehow I can get to the bottom of this and learn how to cope in a healthier way.

 

Can you relate to my eating issues? What has been your experience?

Recovering (again) #PostPartumDepression #PPDChat

It is a gloomy and stormy Monday here in Iowa. I woke up to rain and wind, but it wasn’t severe here like it was in other places. Hopefully that continues through the rest of the day now!

I was planning on starting my 6 a.m. Couch to 5K workout this morning, but I am drained again and decided sleep would be best. I still aim to get this started this week though!

I just don’t get it—I get plenty of sleep but I keep waking up exhausted. My home sleep test results came back and while there were only two apneic episodes in the night, my oxygen never dropped into levels which are considered sleep apnea.

The doctor said that it wasn’t truly diagnostic and told me to have a sleep test done at a sleep lab. I told her I’d get back to her about that. After how I keep feeling, I’m wondering if it might be best to have that done, as much as I don’t want to. My Fitbit continues to show 30-40+ times restless at night. Although, for the first time, it only showed 10x restless last night and I got 8 hours of sleep. It’s odd that I feel especially exhausted this morning.

I had to give myself some TLC this past weekend after hitting rock bottom on Friday morning. I took 2 hour naps Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and stayed at home for the most part while avoiding stress. I was starting to feel better yesterday, but now I’m not feeling 100% again today—but not in the “dark cloud” kind of way, just very exhausted.

So I mentioned that I was going strawberry picking on Friday. Well, that didn’t happen. I was feeling so completely overwhelmed and depressed by the time we had to leave. I still wanted to try to go and get calmed down on the way. I got about half way there and pulled into a parking lot and let them know I wasn’t coming—I just couldn’t stop crying.

And I hate that. I really wanted to go—well, the REAL me really wanted to go. I know it was the best decision though. I just don’t like to fall apart in front of people.

It also didn’t help that I ended up running late—and I used to be a very punctual person. With a child, I just can’t seem to be punctual! I had to wake baby girl up to leave because she was still sleeping at 9 a.m. (which hardly ever happens), so I had breakfast for her that she could eat in the car, which she has done quite a few times now with no problem. Well, this time she decided to squeeze her fruit packet everywhere. She was completely covered. And I just completely fell apart—I had been on the brink of it since the incredibly stressful doctor’s appointment. It was all too much.

While driving there, I remembered a tip given in an online PPD support group—know your signs. I saw all of my signs—feeling overwhelmed, being irritable and angry, that horrible weighted down feeling that causes lack of energy, and constant negative thoughts about myself and life in general (the dark cloud feeling). I wanted to ignore them, to will them away—but that’s now how it works.

So I did what I had to do in the early days of recovery—rested. I allowed the house to be a mess and tried not to look at it. I didn’t do any laundry. The oven is broken, so that facilitated less cooking. Hubby canceled with the company that was supposed to come for the weekend and did a great job taking care of baby girl and being a rock for me. I cried when I needed to cry—feeling the emotions instead of pushing them inside, as my counselor told me to do. I talked to hubby about how I felt and the thoughts that I was having. I prayed. I listened to music.

I’m so afraid that this is how my life will be forever and that I won’t truly be myself again. They say the path to PPD recovery is a zig-zag line even though we want it to be a straight line. But I guess I’m still headed in the right direction—even simply for just being here and not giving up the fight.

I’m so glad that I have a counseling appointment today—it has been too long. I have a lot of things to talk about and talk through. Change begins with me, but it will be a learning process—one that I am 100% willing for now. I think it takes being broken to realize that you need help and you need change.

(source)

Weigh in day & mental illness talk #postpartumdepression

It is a relief to have stepped on the scale and to have it over with. I gained .7 lb.

The damage wasn’t as bad as I imagined it to be, but also marks three weeks of struggles and being off track. I know that this is all me—it’s not the plan, it’s not because I don’t have time, and it’s not because I don’t have the right foods in the house. It’s just me. It is my mental and emotional state and my lack of using the tools I have to form new habits to replace my emotional eating habit.

It’s a new week now and I can begin again. I know that I can always begin again after even just one bad choice, but there’s something about the clean slate that is extra motivational.

Yesterday, I continued to feel down—like really down. As in I the feelings I used to have where I just yearned for that silence and peace—like I didn’t want to exist anymore. I needed to talk to someone about it but never got the chance.

I hesitate to even admit that because the real me is an ultra-positive, half is glass full kind of gal. But I want to be real on the blog, and this is what was real. Postpartum depression, mental illness, whatever this monster is (yet it is myself), is unexplainable and horrid.

I searched Pinterest last night for anything that could encourage me about this condition. I came across a few things that helped me. I will share some of these in a later post, but one in particular has stuck in my mind, “Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so you can discover that he is the rock at the bottom”. I am thankful that through all of this, He is always there and He does hold me in the shadow of his wings.

I have learned a lot over the past few months and I knew that based on how I felt when I woke up yesterday morning that I needed to get out of the house even though it was the last thing I really wanted to do. So I called hubby and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch. We met at Subway and that brightened my spirits.

I kind of “took a vacation day” yesterday. Baby girl and I went to Kohl’s and Wal-mart afterwards. And then in the evening, we met hubby for supper (salad at Applebee’s) and hubby let me have some time alone while I tried on some swimsuits and got groceries. The swimsuit thing kind of left me feeling worse—ack! But at the end of it all, I needed that quiet time alone—“putting on my oxygen mask first”, if you will.

While at Kohl’s, I ran into this woman who has suffered terrible tragedy in her life and very publicly. I knew who she was because I have seen her suffering in the news. We had an interaction and she was the kindest person to me and baby. This woman who has been through so so much and was still so kind and positive. I didn’t expect that, wouldn’t expect that, but it was really remarkable to me. I could feel her strength in just our short conversation.

I woke up this morning feeling better and I am hoping that I’m over this “bump in the road”. Onward and forward. I am pushing myself to get out of the house again today—this time with some family (women around my age) to go strawberry picking. I am so so hoping this goes ok!!! I must work on controlling the thoughts in my mind.

Have a great weekend!

Struggling in a big way—a novel of a post

Emotional eating has been the name of the game for the past few days. I haven’t been feeling like myself and I’m hoping it’s just hormones to blame.

I haven’t been able to stay away from chocolate—I’ve had some every day for probably the last week, but not in moderate portions the past few days. I’m not talking about crazy amounts, but just enough for me to realize that it’s emotional eating. I also ate two servings of ice cream yesterday for no particular reason other than I felt like it.

I am feeling stressed out (and don’t have a reason to be), anxious, and a little blue. I’ve had a couple of things happen this week that have added to my anxiety.

First, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. This is not like what you see in the movies. While she does have a couch, this isn’t therapy but it’s just about figuring out what cocktail of medication I need for the PPD recovery process.

So anyways, hubby was supposed to be able to watch baby girl while I had my appointment but he ended up not being able to make it. Since I had already canceled my appointment once, I decided I would take her with me since it’s usually a pretty quick in-and-out appointment.

I arrived and the small waiting room was filled with people. The receptionist was telling me that I owed money and if I didn’t pay it they were going to turn it over to collections. This was news to me because we have paid all bills we have received and I had no idea what she was talking about. However, the entire waiting room was our audience. That’s embarrassing—and not even accurate!

So I headed out to the small hallway to wait because there were just too many people in that small room for me to feel comfortable with. I let baby girl walk up and down the hallway, having to hold her hand most of the time because she wants to explore anything and everything she comes across, including trying to stick her fingers in electrical outlets. This child…lol.

And then this well-intentioned man came out of the waiting room to tell me that there were a couple of chairs available. So I felt like maybe I should go sit down since he was trying to be kind and I didn’t want to be rude. So I found a seat on the edge of the room. And then this lady gave baby girl her cell phone to play with. Whhatttt? Anyways, I didn’t want baby girl touching this thing for one thing but I also didn’t want her to break the phone! So I let her hold it for like a minute and then handed it back to the lady and said thank you.

In situations like these, I prefer to snuggle up inside my shell and not interact with anyone and just try to make it through. I know this sounds crazy but I guess it is how I have always coped. With baby girl, that is impossible. She likes to interact with anyone and everyone who will pay attention to her, including another baby in the room which she felt the need to yell across the room to. lol. She was waving at the receptionist and even wanted to walk through the room of people, probably to go make some new friends. She is a very friendly little girl, which I am proud of her for because it is not something I know how to do—but it’s also uncomfortable for me.

So we waited for 45 minutes PAST our appointment time. At that point I was about ready to leave. I was incredibly anxious and sweaty. Baby girl was about to lose it because it was passed her nap time and she was getting cranky and throwing everything I gave her to try to keep her entertained.

When the doctor finally called me in, her first question was that she noticed me waiting in the hallway and was I doing that because the room of people made me uncomfortable. She also proceeded to hand me a Kleenex because she saw me sweating. Oh my goodness—embarrassing, but it was anxiety related. So she saw my issues in person and told me she wanted to up one of my medicines if I was comfortable with it because she was confident it would help my social anxiety, but also told me to continue therapy to find ways to cope in these situations.

Meanwhile, baby girl wanted to run around her office and check everything out because that’s just her. I was trying to keep her close but the doctor said, just let her go—she’s fine. So she was going all over her office and trying to get in her papers, ripped a page in a children’s book, started to play with the mini-blind cords, and even went behind the doctor’s desk and right up to the doctor! So I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be worrying about what she was doing because the doctor told me not to, but I didn’t want her running around doing whatever so I was super nervous about that. The doctor didn’t care at all—but I was completely distracted and nervous. The doctor commented that baby girl is very inquisitive, happy, and active, which is a good thing, but keeps me on my toes—which she said was good for me because it will help me lose weight. lol…Anyways. She also told me my medication can also help me lose weight—so I will be pleasantly surprised if that does happen.

So by the time this appointment was done, I had given up any hope of going to Wal-Mart to look for a swim suit for my water aerobics class. I buckled baby girl into her car seat and then realized she had thrown her lovey blanket somewhere in the doctor’s office. There was no way I was going to try to live without that—so I unbuckled her and back into the office we went. Someone was talking to the receptionist, so we waited and waited. The receptionist quickly got the lovey and off we went….to Starbucks where I bought a nonfat caramel macchiato and a flourless chocolate cookie. Totally stress eating—and I would say that was the beginning. And then I got home and hubby told me he had to work late and I wouldn’t be able to make it to my first water aerobics class. I was disappointed and relieved all at the same time.

Now I know that I have written a novel, but I have more to say—lol.

Last night we had our bible study. Hubby had to work late again…but said he thought he could meet me there…and he did. As I’ve mentioned, I haven’t been feeling like myself and I need to learn that when I feel like that I should just stay home and “heal”, if you will. But I didn’t.

So there was a visiting couple there with a 6 month old. And this mom was completely relaxed and so was her baby. Just laying there and hardly making a peep. Baby girl has never acted like that in her life. So here she is chattering away and yelling and making her noises, throwing her toys, trying to climb all over me and hubby, and squirming to try to escape our arms so she can go climb the nearest steps (her latest obsession). She still takes a night time bottle and unfortunately I forgot it at home.

I saw this couple making sideways glances at us and at their parents. And I understand that I do not know what people are thinking but I think that I do…ha. So I was thinking that they were thinking (now that sounds crazy), “Wow, she is obnoxious…they really need to take her out. Why aren’t they taking her out…she’s distracting. We’re so much better parents than they are…just look, our precious baby is sitting so still and just staring at their wild child like he can’t believe his eyes. It’s probably because she’s formula fed”.

My thoughts get out of control. So hubby took baby girl out and I sat there and got very anxious to the point of tears, so I left the room and found hubby and cried. I told him I just couldn’t handle it and that I would take care of baby girl while he was in the bible study. He told me to take a Xanax, which I probably should have done before I got there.

While keeping baby entertained, she was starting to lose it. I tried to feed her Cheerios and she took a fistful and threw them all on the floor. She kept throwing her pacifier. I gave her a drink and she drank and drank and then started spitting water and she was soaking wet so I had to change her clothes.

Once the study was over, I rejoined the group and picked up all of the toys strewn all over. Finally baby girl could get down to walk around all she wanted to do was try to climb the stairs. So I stood up and held her. One man was joking with me and asked I was still having fun or if I was ready to give her away. I just laughed but I was thinking to myself, well actually I’m just now starting to have fun and unfortunately I never got to experience that before (a topic for another post). But I just smiled. And then another woman (a mother with older children) kind of sighed and said, “how are you?” and then said to baby girl “you are keeping your mama busy!”. And then I just started to lose it and started to cry so I said excuse me and went outside where I just started bawling. Thankfully, hubby had noticed and brought all of our stuff out and got us to the car and ready to leave.

It was just too much for me. And then I felt like I was back-tracking on the progress that I had made and I felt really disappointed. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just hormones or something.

I really feel like we have a unique child. I have a feeling that she is very smart (I know all parents probably think this…lol), and she is incredibly active and outgoing. The girl can whistle. If we sing the ABC’s, we sometimes catch her continuing the song, her “words” imitating the sounds of the letters. We get these little glimpses of what’s going on in her head and we are surprised! She definitely has a sense of humor.

I absolutely love her, but as her mother, I also understand her while people who are not around her everyday do not. So I’m afraid people might look on like, “what is up with her”, but they don’t really know her personality, etc. They don’t know that the only time she really acts out is when she is really tired, but otherwise she is a well behaved, sweet and funny little girl.

So while I wanted to begin the Couch to 5K this morning, I decided sleep was a better option for me at the moment. And I feel disappointed in myself for a variety of reasons. I’ve lost the energy that I had recently found. I have found myself wanting to curl up at home and not interact with anyone—except that we have company coming tomorrow night until Monday—whom I invited myself when I was feeling wonderful.

I actually called my husband last night and told him that I was too fat to leave the house…I know that sounds weird but it’s just my sense of humor and trying to express the way that I felt. I was sitting on the floor playing with baby girl and I saw myself in the mirror and I cannot believe how horrible I look. I am ginormous. I look like I sit around the house and eat Twinkies and entire pizzas by myself. I don’t do either, by the way, but no one else knows that—I just look like a woman who has absolutely no self control with food. And I probably am that woman.

I have been trying to tell myself that it’s OK that I am where I am. Most people do not know what I have been through in the last couple of years. They don’t know the battles that I have fought and that I am a SURVIVOR. A Warrior Mom. Even though right now, I feel like I have curled up inside my armor, laid down on the battle field clutching my sword with my shield resting over my body like a turtle shell.

I will get up again. The battle isn’t over yet.

Weigh in Day: I’m Lucky

I did well this past week until Wednesday when I was tired and instead of taking a nap I snacked. And then yesterday I ended up going over my points again simply because I was ill-prepared and hungry. I tracked every bite this week, which is a goal of mine because I want to stay accountable for better or worse.

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect on the scale this morning, which basically means that I didn’t give it a full effort this week. When I step on the scale, I should be confident that I put in the work—I want to feel that way next week.

I was happy to see that I did have a loss—a small one, but a loss none the less. I lost .3 lb.

Stats for the week:

• Weekly Points Used: 67/49—yikes!
• Active Points Earned: 22
• Activity Points Used: 22
• Total steps: 46,726
• Weight Loss this Week: –.3 lbs.
• Total Weight Loss to Date: –10.6 lbs.

Oofta—seeing all of that here “on paper” makes it more real! I ate 18 more points than I was allotted and I also did not move nearly enough. I was feeling a little bit off this past week—tired, unmotivated, and maybe a little bit down…after having truly experiencing depression, I wouldn’t say I was “depressed”—just maybe a little blue.

The most important thing will be the overall downward trend. I will have weeks like this from time to time (or two weeks in a row), but the important thing is that I don’t throw in the towel. I’ve got this! I’m too determined to reach my goals that I don’t want to give up this time. Maybe I won’t reach my goals super fast—but I’m ok with that. I want this to truly be a lifestyle change and not a quick-fix-diet and exercise-like-crazy episode. Sustainability is what I’m after—and this is how it works for me.

In other news, yesterday went great with the craft project. Baby girl did very well and I handled everything pretty well, I think…with a little extra help of some Xanax. What can I say…I try to avoid it but I know my signs and I knew I needed it. It’s kind of a lifesaver sometimes—I rarely take it, but it really helps when I do. Meanwhile, I am still learning my coping techniques. Just keepin’ it real here on the A Journey to Thin blog.

So anyways, I am no artist—but I love how my flower pots turned out! They are a little messy because I accidently used too much paint and it starting running down…but who cares, I don’t require perfection!

They will be stacking pots—I will take another picture when I get them assembled and flowers planted. I’m pretty proud of myself for the color mixtures. We had primary colors so I mixed paints to get the colors I wanted. It’s kind of hard to see, but that’s a teal color chevron, a coral-ish color circles, and pale yellow stripes. Fun!

One more picture…doesn’t baby girl look adorable in her new dress and bow from grandma? Spoiled little girl!

Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

How did you do this week? Did you have a loss or a gain—or maybe you maintained?

Thursday Update

I’m so glad it’s Thursday and a 3 day weekend with hubby home is just around the corner! We don’t have any big plans, but we plan to try to get a few things done around the house—which we badly need to do! Everything has been so crazy this past year that I feel like we were over our heads and have fallen behind on a lot of things—it will take some time to catch up again.

This past week has been pretty average. On Tuesday, I went to Kohl’s to exchange a dress for Sienna that was too small. She also needs some new PJs for spring/summer and hubby wanted some black and gray undershirts. I also found a skirt for myself, but the jury is still out on whether or not I like it. What do you think?

I imagine wearing it with my new denim shirt and a white tee—and if I wanted to get really trendy, I could wear a fedora hat! I love that look but I don’t usually wear hats.

Yesterday, I was super tired all day long. I should have just taken a nap, but instead I just sat around doing nothing and wanting to snack—which I did a little too much of. I must sleep when I’m tired!!

And then when I’m tired is when my anxiety and everything else kicks in. So our church meeting didn’t go so well with Sienna. Hubby takes care of her most of the time because of my issues. I just wanted to cry. Everyone was so nice afterwards and told us that she did really well and that they could tell us all kinds of stories about trying to take care of their children during the meeting—they’ve all been there. That was an encouragement to me.

This week I reached out to someone to try to make a new friend and was kind of rejected. My first try and it didn’t work out—I don’t think she really meant it to be anything against me but still…I didn’t need that on my first try!! haha

But the good news is that someone reached out to me and invited me to get together with her and another friend of mine to do a little craft project. We’re going to paint flower pots. Afterwards, we’re going to visit a new coffee shop. That’s this afternoon. I sure hope baby girl can handle everything…and me too!

Baby girl continues to be so silly. Last night, she was cheesing at everybody and giggling. She isn’t shy at all. She has been walking a little more lately. She started “singing” and whistling. Oh my goodness it’s so funny. Also, if I ask her what a kitty says, she makes this meow noise that requires her to stick her tongue all of the way out of her mouth to make. She’s also getting to be quite naughty and has quite the attitude at times. I guess if she’s still doing this stuff at 6 years old then we’ll worry—probably just another phase!

Weigh in day tomorrow…I’m not sure how it will go really. Hoping for the best.

I better get going because I don’t have a lot of time to get ready!!

I’m still here

Hello everyone!

It has been beautifully sunny outside but very windy and cold. I’m missing those warm days and being outside.

I have had kind of a rough week, but it’s starting to look up. I had a lot of anxiety on Sunday and of course that left me drained and for some reason I just couldn’t shake it. I felt exhausted and depressed Monday and Tuesday and I slept a lot—when baby took her naps, I napped too. Wednesday, I felt better in the morning but got tired very quickly by the afternoon and had to take a nap. I’m feeling a bit more energy today—so I’m hopeful I’ll feel like myself again soon.

Needless to say, when you nap all day you don’t get very many steps. But rest is what my body needs, so I’m listening and it really does help. It has meant not bingeing on chocolate instead, not getting super irritable and cranky, and less anxiety. They say there will be relapses to this PPD, so maybe that’s what has happened.

I am on track with my Weight Watchers points which makes me very happy. Tomorrow is weigh in day, so I’m anxious to see what the scale says! Either way, I am feeling smaller.

Baby girl caught a cold, so she hasn’t been feeling very well. It doesn’t stop her though—she’s still her energetic and playful self, but she just gets fussy pretty quickly. Not to mention, she’s starting to walk! This morning she took quite a few steps in a row…oh boy!

Meanwhile, she loves to unroll the toilet paper when I’m not looking. Someday she will learn to cover her tracks. Ha!

Never mind the torn up carpet, we had some issues with our old wash machine and had to tear it out and we’re planning on putting in new flooring—hubby just hasn’t had a chance to get to it! It looks horrible right now. Eek.

Did you see my post about the first online book club meeting? Be sure to let me know if you want to join! You will know you’re good to go when I add you to the Google Hangout. I’ve had a couple of Google+ adds, but I’m not sure if that means you want to join the book club or not, so please send me a message if you do!

Have a great day!

Falling Behind

I have most definitely fallen behind in the fitbit step challenge, but it’s not because I am not giving a good effort! I got more than 10,000 steps yesterday.

These ladies are just on fire! I am proud of them and all they are accomplishing and I feel a little bummed that I haven’t kept up!

I woke up yesterday with the headache that I got on Monday afternoon. Those are just debilitating. I rested up until I felt better in the afternoon. I have used something like this in the past an excuse not to get in any activity all day, but I didn’t do that this time. Once I felt better, I got on it and got it done—as my steps show. Could I have gotten more steps had I felt better? Probably. But I’m not going to kill myself to do that.

I started with a walk outside. We finally had a day without strong winds, so I hit up the path—which was so nice and smooth!

Our sidewalks around here are terrible—a lot of it from trees falling on them during a horrible wind storm a few years ago.

I ended up walking for just short of an hour. I think that’s my longest walk yet. Baby girl was getting fussy and it was about nap time. That accounts for 5,195 of my steps for the day.

After a rainy week last week, we are enjoying green grass and blooming spring flowers. It’s a beautiful time of year! Here are some of the blooms from my gardens.

We have SO many tulips now. I think I’m going to have to do a little work on rearranging them back into a line—they’re kind of taking over everywhere! I will have to research how to do that because I have no idea.

So pretty though! I especially love the ones that have seemed to cross colors.

I do look forward to working in my flower beds this year. Last year, I didn’t get anything done with them. Baby was born May 1st and, well, you know the rest of the story—so I think that’s understandable.

I need to find a way to keep baby safe outside when I’m working. I’m thinking of getting one of these things until we can afford to put up a nice fence someday.

This one is also kind of nice…but I’m not sure if I love that it has a floor or not? I think she would enjoy playing in the grass. But I love how this one folds up so compactly and we could bring it camping, etc.

Any suggestions? Do any of you mamas have something like this?

Alright, back to my day. Once again, it was just an average day and I did all of the usual things around the house and with baby.

I was seriously craving some beef stew from the moment I woke up. lol. I think it’s all of the extra activity making me want to eat some “real” food. We’re out of the beef roasts from hubby’s parents and I didn’t really want to go buy one, so I got creative.

Hubby’s parents give us canned meat—it’s their beef roasts that they’ve canned somehow. It’s absolutely tender and delicious, but I never know what to do with it. I usually use it for BBQ beef—it’s a quick and easy meal.

I decided to use it in my favorite beef stew recipe (also Hubby’s parents). The recipe calls for it to be baked in the oven, which is what I usually do, but I decided to throw it all in the crock pot. It turned out delicious! I have to say it wasn’t as good as the kind baked in the oven, but it was definitely a super easy way to make stew that was full of veggies. The whole family loved it and I’m always looking for foods to make that baby girl can easily eat—even better when it’s full of veggies!

I want to share this recipe with you all the next time I make it. I want to make sure I provide 100% accurate points values when I do so—I just estimated the serving size, etc. for myself.

After supper, we went for another walk as a family. It was a little over a half hour.

I am really tired and worn out today. I felt myself getting super irritable last night and that’s become a sign that I need to rest before it gets out of hand. Today I’m actually feeling the physical “anxiety” that has gone along with my postpartum depression.

One of my biggest triggers is not getting enough sleep and the baby girl hasn’t been sleeping through the night lately—I was up three times last night. So yeah, I’m tired and I think I’m getting sick so that doesn’t help.

I’m not sure if I will meet my step goal today or not, hopefully I start to feel better and I can get out there and get those steps!

#Postpartumdepression Rearing its Ugly Head & Health Update

Postpartum Depression: A bit of a Relapse

On Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I kind of lost my energy streak. I felt exhausted and noticed my thinking start to revert back to my postpartum depression ways where I would be worrying about things that I didn’t need to worry about, even in the middle of the night. (we’re talking about things that happened in elementary school here…)

I ended up doing a lot of napping when baby napped, which is when I would normally use that time to get in some steps or do things around the house, etc. I took 2 hour naps all three days—I really seemed to need it!

Sunday was a big day for me and the first time in probably a month that I got out of the house to go to our church meeting. I was very anxious in the morning and even though I wanted to brave it without any help, I went ahead and took a fast-acting pill for anxiety. That seemed to kind of mute my anxiety a bit.

I made it through about 3/4 of the 2 hours and I started to feel completely exhausted. I had taken baby girl out and I was just pushing her around in the stroller a bit and trying to keep her quiet. My hubby and I have a system where he keeps his cell phone handy so if I need him I can text him—so I thought I would text him and maybe he could watch baby and I could sit and listen since I felt so worn out.

So he gladly came out and took care of baby and I went and sat down to listen. I sat there about 2 minutes before I just started crying. I think I was just holding it all in and when I had a moment to relax, it just all came out—all of the physical pressure I was feeling inside from the anxiety, all of the stress, etc. I quickly left the room before I started crying too much because I can’t seem to cry quietly and always end up snorting or something. lol

I found hubby and he comforted me and I told him I just had to go. I was done for. Completely drained and I couldn’t do it anymore. The thing is, I really don’t know exactly what triggers it. I think it’s definitely a social anxiety, but I didn’t have to interact with a single person. There’s something about being in the same room with a bunch of people that just completely overwhelms me and it doesn’t make any logical sense—it’s just the way my body is reacting. I had all of the symptoms: chest pain, tingly arms, feeling shaky (and physically shaking a little), etc. I thought I was done with all of that!!! Turns out, I had just been avoiding true social events that are my biggest triggers.

My sister pointed out that this is my only real “social” type activity and that’s why I am struggling with it so much. That does make sense and makes me feel a lot better. I want so much to be there and I know it’s not my faith that’s wavering at all. It just makes me sad that I’m going through this—but I’m not going to let it conquer me. I know that God understands and I am so thankful for that.

Weight Watchers & Steps Update

Needless to say, I didn’t meet my step goal any day this weekend. When I first began this journey again, I told myself that I would be having these days and that when I did—I needed to rest and be ok with that. It’s easy to want to throw in the towel when you don’t meet your goals, but I think it’s important that I cut myself some slack and understand that what my mind & body needed was to rest. So It’s all ok and I am not a failure.

Not all of my steps were counted because I didn’t have a pocket when I was pushing the stroller on Sunday—bummer!

I am proud of myself on the eating front. I did very well. I really, really, really wanted to eat a bunch of chocolate to try to make myself feel better (emotional eating). BUT, I didn’t. I had a single serving of chocolate and that was it. No going crazy. I realized I was tired and worn out, so I slept instead of bingeing on chocolate. That’s a NSV for sure.

However, since we had dinner at hubby’s parent’s house, I did end up using some weeklies. I’m ok with that. It was a delicious meal and I enjoyed all of it.

Ultimately, I feel like I’m still on track and going strong! I am feeling much better this morning. The weather is beautiful and I can’t wait to get outside to go for a walk and to push baby girl in her new swing.

How was your weekend?

Using the Five Senses to Control Anxiety and Ease Worries

At my first counseling appointment for postpartum depression, I learned about ways to control my anxiety. We discussed using the five senses to control anxiety and ease worries.

If you are experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety, I urge you to speak with a doctor or a counselor. I am not a professional, this information has just been helpful in dealing with my anxiety.

I have found that focusing on the senses helps me relax and take my mind off of my anxiety and my worry.

1. Sight

This can be a physical object or a color that is calming or soothing to look at, or it can be a memory. For me, it’s a memory of my perfect nap on the beach in Mexico. I use this sense most often when I am trying to sleep but can’t because of worry. I focus on this memory—everything about it: the sun, the breeze, the sounds, the smell, the sand, the crystal clear water, my husband next to me, etc. I envision it in my mind and it takes me back there and it’s very calming to me.

2. Smell

Scents can be very relaxing. I have quiet a few scents that I enjoy like coffee brewing or the smell of baby after a bath, but my all time favorite is that beachy coconut, cocoa butter smell. I have the ALBA BOTANICA MASSAGE OIL,KUKUI NUT, 8.5 FZ, EA-1 (affililate link) that is the perfect smell. I can rub some on my skin and enjoy the beachy smell and it’s relaxing—and if I’m lucky, I can convince hubby to give me a massage using this oil, which is even better!

3. Sound

I have always found music relaxing and calming, especially Old Blue Chair from Kenny Chesney’s Be As You Are album (affiliate link). If I am feeling anxious, stressed, or overwhelmed I keep my music handy and let the soothing sounds calm me.

I also find other sounds relaxing like laughter, water running in a stream, and I love the sound of the ocean. I also find the sound of a fan calming.

4. Taste

This one immediately sent up red flags for me because I am an emotional eater, but I was quickly informed that something soothing for the taste sense should not be food or something calorie dense like chocolate, but should be something soothing like a cup of coffee or tea, drinking cold water, or sucking on a peppermint.

I love to sit down with a warm cup of coffee and simply enjoy it. I enjoy a variety of flavored coffees with sugar-free syrups and half & half. I also love the occasional flavored coffee creamers. Coffee is something I really enjoy and it’s calming to sit down and enjoy a cup in my favorite mug.

5. Touch

This one took a little thinking for me because I tend to be more internal and physical objects aren’t a big deal for me.  The counselor gave me a stress ball to get me thinking about touch. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I have quite a few things I find soothing to the touch.

The most soothing touch is my husband’s. I love to hold his hand or to have his warm arms wrapped around me. It’s amazing how soothing just the touch of his hand can be to me.

I also love the feel of baby’s cuddles, of fresh sheets on my feet, covering myself up in a big quilt, and the warmth of sunshine. All of these things are soothing to me.

 

I have found these good to think about and have had interesting conversations with my husband and family about what soothes them.

I challenge you to think about what soothes you for each of these senses—feel free to share in the comments!