On my own

I'm giving the IIFYM thing a try on my own today. I had planned to go off on my own last week until the super-nice coach offered me a free month. But I've been reminded again this week why I wanted to go on my own.

I have this issue with accountability-- I get too stressed out about it and it messes with my head! It's better if I can just follow a plan on my own and I'm the only one who knows if I've messed up or not. Maybe I care too much about what other people think? Oh well.

The good news is that I feel excited to track and pick out my foods today, so that's good! 

Tracking my coffee creamer has once again reminded me of how many carbs I'm drinking in it! It's just one of those things that I don't want to give up because I enjoy it so much and miss it a lot when I don't have it. I'll just have to go easy on it. My coach actually told me that I can go ahead and enjoy my coffee and a latte or two each week, so that was working well. I don't think it's the coffee creamer and latte or two each week that has made me fat anyways-- maybe if I was only 10 lbs. overweight I'd believe that.

But anyways, wish me luck!

What I'm Doing Now

Just checking in!

I've been following a diet plan from a friend of a friend for a little over a month now. This woman plans all of my meals for the week (you eat the same things each day for a week), tells me what to do for exercise (which I haven't yet), and is there for support. This system she uses is called If It Fits Your Macros or IIFYM. Heard of it?

So the first few weeks went really well. I lost about 15 pounds rather quickly! And then PMS hit and threw me off track-- not insanely off track, but enough for me to lose my mojo. I've been struggling to get it back. I'm not giving up though. I just need to be more dedicated and remember WHY I am doing this.

I have a few goals ahead. First, I'll be attending conference again this year and the seats are TINY. Last year, I weighed a good 50 lbs. less and it was uncomfortable. I hate to know what it'd feel like at my current weight.

I also earned a couple of free trips with Thirty-One that I'll be taking this fall and I want to feel good in my skin. We'll be going to the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas in September and then on a cruise to the Bahamas in November. I'm really, really looking forward to both. I need a vacation SO BADLY.

I miss the feeling of accomplishment that I used to have back when I had lost all of that weight and was running. I felt good about myself and about life. Lately, I've just been feeling glum-- feeling badly about myself physically, stressed out dealing with a high-energy toddler, and playing the comparison game with other mothers.

But I know enough to try to focus on positive thoughts and not the negative ones. I just miss who I used to  be.

Hello, It's Me

Hello, It's Me.
I was wondering if after all these months you'd like to hear
to go over everything
I know that I was supposed to check in, but I ain't done much checkin

Hello, Can you hear me?
I'm in Iowa dreaming about who I used to be
When I was thinner and free
I'd forgotten how it felt before the weight was on my knees
There's such a difference between us
and a million meals

Hello from the girl who's tryin
I must've tried a thousand times
To tell you I'm alive
and I'm doing alright
But when I try I never seem to be brave
Hello from this side
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you, I'm living and doing just fine
But it don't matter
It clearly isn't meant to be rude, for sure

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're thin
Did you ever reach your goal weight or run that one marathon?
It's no secret that the both of us
are running the same way

So Hello from the girl who's tryin
I must've tried a thousand times
To tell you I'm alive
and I'm doing alright
But when I try I never seem to be brave
Hello from this side
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you, I'm living and doing just fine
But it don't matter
It clearly isn't meant to be rude, for sure

First Week Weigh In

Today is officially one week on the induction to my new way of eating. I am amazed that I am not hungry at all and that cravings are not uncontrollable anymore. It has very little to do with willpower and much more to do with the fact that I'm consuming very few carbs and that influences the release of insulin, etc. It's really interesting!

I have lost a total of 13.2 lbs. in my first week! I couldn't be happier! I'm sure a significant portion of this is water weight-- I don't think my old blood pressure medicine was working so well and I had been very puffy.

Since beginning this way of eating, all pain has literally disappeared. I was having horrible pain in my hands and wrists, my joints were hurting, and I had frequent headaches. I have had some headaches-- but definitely fewer! I would be interested to know whether or not the pain was due to extra fluid in my body, due to gluten, or what!

There is one more week to this induction phase, but I will learn about the next phase of the diet on Monday! I am excited to learn more.

I have a very long way to go so I need to keep my eyes on the prize. The cruise that I earned is coming up in September and I hope to have lost at least 30 lbs. by then. That would be great!

Shared Medical Appointment #1

Today was the first shared medical appointment in my new weight loss program. This is a medically supervised weight loss program and we meet in groups every couple of weeks. I think there are about 15-20 people in my class, but I didn't count.

I love the concept of a shared medical appointment for those with chronic conditions-- in this case being obesity and obesity related conditions. Thinking about it as a shared doctor's appointment made me realize that I am learning so much more this way as opposed to just a one-on-one visit with the doctor.

Chances are, when someone has a questions there are others that have the same question-- even if they haven't thought of it yet, which is what I do at doctor's appointments! I always think of questions to ask once I've left the office.

We each still had a one-on-one visit with the doctor. I had just seen him a couple of days ago, so mine was pretty short! However, following the nutritionist's advice at my first appointment has led to a couple of pounds lost already and I've only completed one (now almost two) days. The official "diet" actually begins tomorrow-- so I guess I'll call that extra credit that I started a little early! I figured why not get started NOW rather than wait.

A large portion of the meeting was with the nutritionist. He cooked two different healthy entrees and we each had a sample. While cooking, he taught us proper ways to cut veggies, told us nutritional information and also answered questions.

I learned a lot and the food was delicious and colorful! I really need to go get a full load of groceries so that I can have success. I even ate peppers, which I'm not a huge fan of. I'm going to try to force myself to learn to like them. I don't hate them, but they're not my favorite veggie. Peas, on the other hand, I will not force myself to try to like. That's just not possible. I hate them.

I think a huge part of being able to maintain with something like this is taking the time to cook delicious food. I love grilled food so I want to start grilling more or even find my George Forman grill to make it more convenient for me.

I've been very hungry today but haven't had a lot of time to eat either. The doctor told me that after 2-3 days I won't be so hungry. I love how they understand that it's impossible to stick to a diet if you're hungry all the time-- and it certainly isn't maintainable to be hungry all of the time! This is why fat is so important in a diet, contrary to popular belief.

I'm not going to lie-- I made a batch of brownies the night before I knew I was going to begin. I enjoyed brownies and ice cream (my favorite dessert) as my farewell to obesity and promptly packed up the brownies and gave them to a friend the next day! I'm glad I did because it's so easy to mindlessly eat when I'm stressed out or tired. I paid for those brownies though-- let me tell you! I had horrible heartburn that night and the next day.

The last couple of days I've had a huge improvement in my eating. I feel better, less bloated, and have a better outlook overall. I cannot hide my anxiety like I usually can though! They take my blood pressure each visit! It was sky high again today-- my body tends to think I'm in danger a lot, apparently. I'll be tracking it at home to get a better idea of what my blood pressure has really been like.

The next two weeks are very important. The doctor described them as like building the foundation. If you build a house with a foundation that is all messed up, then nothing else will work right either-- the windows will be out of whack, the walls not plumb, the floors crooked, etc. I'm going to give it my all at 100%.

One thing about this is that I am 100% convinced because not only are we given instruction, but we were given a book about the science behind it. It makes sense, it coincides with my own experience with obesity, food, and with my failed experiences with mainstream diets.

Anyone can have success if they starve themself with a calorie deficit, but is it maintainable in the long run? For myself, absolutely not. I've lost weight numerous times and I've never been able to keep that weight off for good. This is the same experience of most of the people I know.

So yeah, I'm excited about this! At the same time, I'm still jaded and afraid that nothing will ever work for me. I'm betting that the proof is in the carb-free pudding and I'll have more confidence the longer I'm experiencing the program.

My Journey: Where I'm at

I don't want to become obsessive about weight loss, dieting, and eating healthy because of where it has taken me in the past, but I do want to blog about it from time to time. I am learning that I have to be very careful of my thoughts and to keep my focus on the positive.

I'm at a higher weight than I've ever been and higher than I ever thought I'd be. I don't know exactly where I am because I don't weigh myself very much anymore. The scale tends to make me feel depressed or discouraged-- so I stay away.

Shopping for clothes that make me feel good is a way I can practice self-love. I've started to shop almost exclusively at Torrid because their clothes fit perfectly. There are a lot of brands out there that advertise themselves to be made for plus size women, but Torrid is the only place I've found where the clothes are actually made for plus size women. I'm working on loving myself even though I don't like where I'm at-- inside, I'm still me.

My focus is going to be on making healthier choices. Today hasn't been the best day, but I have made at least one good choice today. Yesterday, I chose to eat a delicious salad for lunch! I want to get back to eating salads for lunch again. I really enjoy them when they are flavorful.

Mostly, I just want to feel better again. I want to feel like I have my life together. There's something about exercise that does that to you. It's probably just the simple act of following through with something.

It would also help if I started getting up early in the morning and trying to get a workout in before Little Miss Sunshine wakes up and before my day begins-- just getting it out of the way as soon as possible!

However, I am struggling to sleep lately. I can't seem to turn my mind off to settle down and go to sleep. It has been a long time since I've felt that way. Thankfully, I've learned to read a book on my Kindle instead of tossing and turning and letting my thoughts get out of control.

This cruise coming up in about 5 months will be a great incentive to get started. Plus, the weather is starting to warm up so I can be outside more. The first thing on my list will be to create an ideal "schedule" for the day. I need to get more organized and intentional!

Little Victories!

Yesterday was a little more of a challenge. I was hungry all day and was really craving sweets.

I actually broke down and baked a cake mix and whipped up a little frosting. I was feeling really guilty about it but continued to tell myself what I recently learned in my Beat Binge Eating program.

There is nothing wrong with a small sweet treat.

I ate one piece and felt satisfied, yet there was something about that feeling of "cheating" that started to get to me. I wanted to go back into the kitchen and have more.

I stood at the stove and looked at the cake. I had a silent conversation with myself and asked, "If this cake were unlimited and I could eat it whenever I wanted to without any guilt, would I still want another piece?" The answer was no.

And so that was it! I only ate one piece and I felt very satisfied! The sweets craving went away and I continued on with my evening.

That's a HUGE triumph for me!

I admit, I am still battling those thoughts of the "all or nothing" mentality. I keep telling myself that it takes little steps and consistency.

Someone commented the other day about my eating habits and deeper issues. You mentioned that maybe I needed to let go of the shakes.

Deep down, I know you are right. I keep fighting it, hoping for different results. I have friendships intertwined with this program and that makes it a little tougher to try to let go of. Although, I don't want to let go of it 100% because I do believe it makes me feel better. I just have to make it my own, and that's what I'm trying to do!

So like you said, I shouldn't feel guilty for eating a salad with a shake. If that's what helps keep me on track to healthier living-- that's perfectly ok!

Separating my Primal Urges from my Conscious Thought

So I'm thinking that I may need to have a sugar detox next week so that I can get rid of this sugar-crack cravings! They're been pretty bad. I'm sure it's also partly due to hormones, but still. I think it would help me keep on track.

I have noticed some binge like behavior that past few days-- which was my indication that maybe I was trying to be too restrictive with my choices. It's the whole brain chemistry thing-- when we tell ourselves that we can't eat something, it sends our primal brain into action because it thinks we need said food for survival. At that point, it really does become difficult to eat that food in moderation and a binge is more than likely going to happen.

So, I'm taking that knowledge and applying it. Say I really want some carbs for breakfast, but I've told myself that I shouldn't/can't eat them. Today, I tried something different. I ate a protein shake and ate a bagel with butter. Totally satisfied and not too crazy on the points values. I didn't have any cravings.

Compare that to yesterday when I told myself I couldn't have carbs for breakfast and all I could think about all day was eating sweets. And I did end up eating too many of them-- binge behavior, which in the end is completely counterproductive to the goal of losing weight... even though I think restricting is what I "need" to do.

The goal is to be able to listen to my body and know when I truly want to eat something and I'm not just eating it "because". Know what I mean by that? Something comes over my brain and makes me physically want to eat anything sweet and it's really not because I "want" the food-- it's the primal brain kicking in thinking it's helping me survive.

When I started feeling that way, I remembered to tell myself that "I have a choice". Just because the "primal" brain wants me to consume said food does not mean that the logical part of my brain (the real/conscious me) really needs or wants the food. It's like distinguishing between primal instinct (that are misleading) and conscious thought.

It's about progress, not perfection. Which is good because this week has definitely not been perfect!

First Weekend on Weight Watchers

This weekend opened my eyes to how bad my eating habits have gotten! It was definitely no secret that I wasn't eating right-- but tracking what I'm eating has been an eye opener. I have definitely been eating too many carbs and not enough fruits, veggies, and protein. I have been grabbing what's easy.

We went on a short road trip on Saturday and stopped to grab some coffee at McDonalds. When I looked up the points for the latte I ordered, I saw that it was 21 points. TWENTY-ONE! Can you believe that? So that really messed things up for me-- lesson learned!

I have a lot of work to do, but I guess that's the point!

Since my problem is primarily psychological-- I need to be very careful to not be hard on myself. That means giving myself grace when I fumble around in these first couple of weeks as I get used to developing good eating habits again.

Somehow, I've developed this inner voice that is self-depreciating whenever I do not eat "perfectly". It's like playing all of those negative and judgemental blog comments that I used to get in my head over and over.

Something that I learned from my binge eating program was about the repetitive cycle that goes on. Here is a graphic which explains it.

Does this sound familiar? This is exactly why I am trying to give myself grace. I have felt that anxiety building up about not "following the plan" properly. I tell myself that it's ok and that it's what I do 90% of the time that will make the difference. If I dwell on that 10% when I feel like I've "messed up" the plan-- then I will slide backwards.

The goal is to keep my eyes focused on the outcome and what I want to be instead of what I don't want to be!

Day 1: My New Plan

I made it through Day 1!

There were moments throughout the day where I had to remind myself that I didn't have enough points to afford to eat something I wanted. And then I'd find myself realizing I wasn't even hungry, but I was eating for other reasons.

I'm just going to go ahead and tell you that I'm following Weight Watchers SmartPoints-- thanks to a Groupon and an extra coupon code.

I definitely increased my fruit and veggie consumption today and decreased my processed food consumption. I know I'm going to feel a lot better very soon simply for these two reasons alone.

When I got on the scale this morning to see my starting weight, I had actually lost 6 lbs. from my highest weight-- so that was a really good feeling. I'm going to make myself get on the scale regularly so I don't lose my focus and let things get out of control.

My husband doesn't read my blog often, so I think it's safe to go ahead and say that he doesn't know I'm doing Weight Watchers yet. I am terrible at keeping secrets from him so we'll see how long that lasts! I just didn't want to feel the pressure of knowing he is probably thinking "here she goes again...it never works for her". I have told him that today was going to be my first day of getting healthy and he hasn't asked any questions as far as what I'm doing-- but he did check up on me to see how I did today.

I am focusing on the fact that I'm using Weight Watchers as a way to learn how to eat healthy again. Somehow my good habits I developed a few years ago were completely disregarded in the last year or so. I want to feel like I used to feel when I had lost almost 100 lbs. I was doing something right at that time!

The more I think about it, I realize that my disordered eating habits truly became a big problem when I hit a plateau that first time around. I want to write more about this and why I think it contributed to my backslide soon.

I'm not going to lie-- I'm so hungry right now. I'll be going grocery shopping this weekend and can stock up on the things that I should be eating. I'd love your recommendations on snacks with low SmartPoints values. This is all kind of new to me!

I made my Easy Beef Stew for supper tonight with some rolls. I may have eaten a little too much stew, but I only ate one roll and no dessert. I'm happy with that! The stew is full of veggies. It was perfect for this fall day.

Let me know if you are following the current SmartPoints WW plan!

Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the big day!

I am calling it day one. We won't go over how many "day ones" I've had! But you have not failed until you've failed to try, right?

Sometimes I feel like when I share my latest method of trying to lose weight that I'm not only disappointing myself but also disappointing everyone else. I know it doesn't really matter. I see the success that others continue to have on the same program I was on and I feel very ashamed and embarrassed. Just know that what I am going to do is a very sustainable and healthy method.

It's not that the plan didn't work, but it apparently wasn't sustainable for me and I believe it was a huge trigger to my binge eating, as you mentioned it was for you too, Karla. So thankful you posted that so I knew I wasn't alone in this.

But to see so many people losing pound after pound, it really crushes me. I am proud of them, but it crushes me. That could have been me. I have failed, yet again. And then there's the business side of it that I want to be a part of, but I know that I cannot because I cannot be authentic.

I knew in my heart that it was not a sustainable way to lose weight and keep it off, but I clutch onto every little hope that comes around. I have learned that these types of programs can be a very big problem for those of us with disordered eating. I just need to learn now to share what I'm doing with anyone so I don't have to feel the shame!

What to do?

Are you enjoying the fall weather? It has been beautiful here! Those of you in Hurricane Mathew's path are experiencing some terrible fall weather-- hope all of you and yours are safe!

The last time I checked in about my weight loss struggles was September 27th, so I thought I'd check in again. Unfortunately, I don't have any wonderful news to report or anything. I haven't been on the scale though.

I was doing very well at making healthier decisions and eating more "real" food, but then I started slipping again. And then I got the stomach flu a few days ago and haven't eaten very much, and what I have eaten has been bland and filled with carbs! Mashed potatoes, toast, a bagel... that kind of thing.

At least I'm starting to feel better as the day goes on-- I'm on day 3. I'm in that mode where I want to clean everything, which always happens after I'm sick, but I find my energy wears down pretty quickly! The house realllyyyy needs to be cleaned too.

I've been trying a new tactic to get the house cleaned up. When everything seems overwhelming, I have 10-minute tidy sessions. Hubby joined me today and we cleaned/straightened as much as we could for 10 minutes. And we'll do that numerous times throughout the day. It seems to be working fairly well-- even Little Miss Sunshine helped a little because it makes it seem like a game.

I haven't been sure of what to write about lately. Maybe I'm not taking enough time to get into that creative space-- and I know I need to do that because it's good for me in so many ways and something that I really enjoy.

This blog has always had a weight loss focus-- in addition to other topics thrown in here and there. So I think that's part of what keeps me from writing. But I'm not giving up.

Lately, I have felt my weight begin to hold me back from living again. I find myself embarrassed of my size all of the time and constantly feel like everyone is judging me. I know now that it's probably not the case and anxiety can cause thoughts and feelings like this, but I still don't like that feeling.

I begin to avoid things. Sometimes I don't even want to go outside because I feel like I'm so fat that everyone will be judging me. It sounds like the dumbest thing ever when I put that out there! I definitely hold myself back because of my weight and I hate it.

Sometimes I think maybe I should join Weight Watchers again for the 500th time. The only thing holding me back is imagining what hubby would say! It wasn't that long ago that I decided I was going to give that a try again and I think I tracked my points like not even one full day. But that's my own fault, I'd need to make it mandatory.

Maybe I need to join, but start going to the meetings this time. I've been thinking about getting Little Miss Sunshine into day care for a day or half day so that she can interact with other kids-- she's so sociable and I know she would love it. It'd be really good for her and a great way to use up some of her energy. But that would give me time to go to a meeting if I wanted to.

I think I'd want to go to a center that's farther away. When you live in a small town, people get to know who you are. I'd rather not have more people notice me failing! What a terrible attitude to have.

It's hard to know what to do! I just know that I have to do something.

Doomed Forever?

I've been avoiding blogging for awhile-- partly because I've been super busy and partly because I don't like admitting where I'm at in this ongoing journey of mine. The simplest way to put it is that the cycle is still continuing.

However, this time it seems a lot worse. I weigh more than ever--- yes EVER. My weight is this continual struggle that I can never seem to get a real handle on. I'm so tired of it controlling my life, limiting me, consuming my every thought.

I know that I have to take responsibility for my role in getting myself where I am today. It's not all genes or a low metabolism-- I have contributed to it too. I can't grasp how quickly it gets all out of hand and how fast the weight comes on.

There is so much shame associated with being obese. It's absolutely humiliating to have lost weight and gained it all back and more-- multiple times. It's hard not to imagine the judgements that people make about me-- lazy, doesn't try hard enough, has no will-power, is weak minded, makes excuses, etc.

I wish I knew the answer. Is there an answer? Am I doomed forever to be obese? I can't be that kind of example for my daughter. She looks up to me, she loves me, and I cannot let her down in that way.

After stepping on the scale this morning, I made it my goal to eat more real food and drink more water today. I've done very well-- although maybe not 100% perfect. I hope to feel better soon. I set a small goal and when I reach it, I will do something for myself.

Honestly, I am feeling very hopeless right now. I feel stuck, trapped, imprisoned in a body that won't cooperate with me and a mind that abuses my body with food. I never would have imagined that this is where I would be today.

I turned 31 last Friday. While being in my 30s doesn't bother me anymore, it does bother me that I've wasted more time of my life not really "living". I am limited by my weight and the shame that surrounds it.

For once, I just want to be thin. I'm not giving up on it and I will make some hard choices to keep working towards getting there.

Fear Surrounding Food

Have you ever taken a look at how much fear you have surrounding food?

This has been a focus of my new program, which is completely different than anything I've ever done before-- I am hopeful that it will work. I don't want to share what it is until I'm completed with the program and can give a full opinion of it. It is costly, so I don't want anyone to spend money on it if I don't feel it works.

But really, I cannot believe how much fear surrounds my food choices and body image.



I am afraid of foods that I label as "bad".

I am afraid of having some foods in the house

I fear that I will be out of control.

I fear that I will always be overweight.

I am afraid I don't have enough will-power.

I am afraid others will judge me by what I'm eating.

I am afraid others will judge me by my size.

I am afraid others will judge me by what's in my grocery shopping cart.

I am afraid I will be too heavy to participate in some things.

I am afraid I won't fit.

I am afraid of being unattractive.


And this is just the beginning! I am living in a lot of fear, fear about things that most people probably don't even think about. This isn't normal, and I don't believe we have to live this way.

This is just food for thought (no pun intended)!


How does fear affect your food choices or body image?

Update on my Binge Eating Disorder Journey

I was happy to step on the scale this week and see that I had lost a significant amount of weight from where I was the previous week. Whew. Thank goodness, otherwise I would have been in a really bad mood. I'm sure you know what I mean. Isn't it funny how the scale can dictate our moods so much?

Anyways, I discovered a woman who has an online program for helping people beat binge eating disorder. I did my research and felt like it might be something that could help me. I've seen good things. She used to struggle with it herself so she knows what it's like.

Hubby and I discussed it and we decided I would make the investment and give it a try. I kept thinking, "what if it doesn't work?"... but then I began to think, "what if it does work?". I have to at least try!

I will try anything and everything to overcome this! So for now, I will not be going to therapy but will be focusing on this program.

The last little while I have just been eating "whatever", which isn't exactly ideal. I've been out of most of my shakes and such and have just been eating what was convenient-- not all bad stuff. But it does seem like I struggle to find that "satisfied" feeling.

So that's where I'm at right now!


How is your journey going?

The Struggles Keep on Coming

I've come to the realization that I have a long way to go before I ever develop healthy habits involving food. There are so many ups and downs along this journey. I have never given up and I don't intend to, but I'd also like to make progress.

I can do really well for a short period of time and then everything comes undone. It makes me think about what my therapist has told me about having an all or nothing mentality. It's either perfect or it's not and I leave no option for just being "ok". Perfectionism and Binge Eating Disorder are actually linked.

But when I think about it, I don't feel like I'm a perfectionist. I don't ever feel like anything is good enough, there's always something that could be better and I'm often not motivated enough to make it better (or I procrastinate) so instead I worry and feel guilty about it. Maybe that is perfectionism...

I was listening to a Chalene Johnson podcast yesterday when she said, "You deserve the best, so why wouldn't you eat the best?". That really hit home for me.

Do I believe that I deserve the best?

If I do, then why don't I eat the best?

I find myself indulging too often. I'm all about indulging occasionally, but when it becomes a habit then it's no longer healthy in any way whatsoever.

It becomes like an obsession. I can't stop thinking about it, I will literally eat something in secret so that my hubby doesn't remind me that I shouldn't, and then that's followed by guilt.

Sometimes I feel like my out of control eating has been worse than ever lately. It goes in spurts though. I'll do wonderfully, followed by a short period of eating horribly and indulgently.

I keep telling myself that it's just an indulgence, and that's just life-- sometimes there will be indulgences. But like I said before, there are too many of them.

Maybe I'm not mindful enough. The journey seems so long and the goal so far away that I lose sight of the impact the choice that I'm making in the moment will have on the outcome. That's tough. I'm being too short sighted.

Anyways, thanks for reading my ramblings. Any thoughts?

What a difference!

I was just looking at a couple of pictures from when I was suffering with depression, anxiety, and just feeling overwhelmed in general. I had absolutely no energy to get even the simplest of things done. Even when I felt like I was recovered, I still felt like I was surviving... but not truly living.

Fast forward about 6 months and all of that has changed. I owe a huge part of that to the nutritional system I've found. I have mental clarity, am able to handle stress better, have more energy, and even my skin is brighter.

A picture is worth a thousand words!

I have lost and kept off weight since then, and I work every day to keep my mind in the game. There is no magic pill, but this is definitely a vehicle to get me to my "after".

If you are suffering with stress, lack of energy, or your weight-- please reach out to me and I would love to help you learn about what I'm doing. I know there are people (like myself) out there searching for the answer-- and those are the people this message is for. It's not for everyone, and that's perfectly ok. But for some of us it's such a gift.

I'm forever thankful!

My email is AJourney2Thin@gmail.com or you can reach out via social media.

Getting after it!

Hey everyone! Sorry I've been a little MIA for the last week...but it's for a good reason.

I attended an event in Chicago this past week that I found very motivational for me. We received training from Susan Sly and she was amazing. Her words really hit home for me. It seemed like she really understands the reasons for being overweight--I believe she even stated that all extra weight is emotional. As you know, I completely agree.

I will be sharing some of the break throughs that I had while I was there--hopefully this week! Isn't it amazing how someone can say just the right words?

Anyways, I have been fired up! Yesterday was my first day to be back on track and I feel like my mind is so much clearer now. I have focus again and I'm ready to meet my goal!

I actually decided to stay at my parent's for the week with Little Miss Sunshine. I decided it would be the perfect opportunity to get a good start. My mom does the same weight loss program as I do, so I have the support that I need.

Another bonus is having someone to watch the little one so that I can workout! I set my alarm for 5:30 this morning so that I could get up and go to the gym before Little Miss Sunshine woke up. I am SO proud of myself for doing so!

I came up with a million excuses for why I should skip my workout.

My Fitbit died. I'm having allergy/asthma issues. I only got 5 hours of sleep. I could workout in the afternoon. I'm tired. I have a business meeting. I forgot my earbuds. 

I could go on and on and on.

I'm off to a good start!

Still Trying

I sat down to write a post every day this week, but I felt like I didn't have anything to say. In reality, I probably have a lot of things that I should be saying but instead I'm not taking the time to process and make sense of my behaviors lately.

I have continued to struggle. Even adding WW to my plan isn't really helping. It's not the plan, it's just me. I have a hard time not hating myself even more for that.

It's the same old cycle and I want it to end so badly. However, I can't seem to let go of old habits and using food as my coping mechanism.

I've felt defeated lately, like I will always be this way. Always fat and dealing with the shame and guilt of it all. Would I feel better about myself if I were thin? I'd still be me but just in a different body. Maybe I'd still hate myself.

I actually researched weight loss surgery this week because I was feeling so desperate. But I reminded myself that I'd be worse off if I don't fix the real psychological problem. I'd end up gaining the weight back and probably be worse off health wise. It's just not worth it. I have to fix the real problem first.

Maybe I had hoped that I would fix this problem quickly. It's a lot more complicated than that. Have you seen that quote going around that says, "I woke up one day and decided I couldn't live like this anymore, so I changed. Just like that."? I feel like it should be like that--that I wake up, make a decision to change, and all is done.

Here's the thing--I wake up every single day and tell myself that I'm going to change. Some days I do really well and others I fail miserably. There's never a day that goes by when I wake up and say, "I'm going to eat whatever I want today"--never. The good intentions are always there.

Anyways, this is where I'm at right now--back in the same place I've been in for years. I'm still not giving up though.

Weigh in Day

I took a break from the scale this week and it was wonderful. I loved not having to obsess about the number. I was starting to get discouraged when I kept seeing the number go up and then that leads into everything spiraling out of control and I end up making bad choices.

My week wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t horrible. I ended up losing 1 lb. I’m happy with any loss right now! I’m still quite a few pounds above my lowest though. I will get there.

I have my counseling appointment this week and that should inspire me to keep working on myself. I also get outside a lot more when the weather is nicer—which means I get more activity in. It’s looking like next week should be pretty nice!

Have a Happy Weekend!

How was your weigh in this week?