What is Binge Eating Disorder?

A year ago, I would have never thought that my struggle with food would be labeled as Binge Eating Disorder. I imagined bingeing as eating an entire pizza, or a whole cake by yourself-- something I have never done. However, while this is one example of Binge Eating Disorder, it is certainly not the only type of eating that is considered binge eating.

Binge Eating Disorder is not simply overeating either. It was recognized as a medical condition in 2013 and is more common than Bulimia and Anorexia combined. The only difference between Binge Eating Disorder and Bulimia is those with B.E.D. do not purge afterwards or exercise excessively to burn the calories. It can affect both men and women and research suggests that it may run in families.

To be classified as binge eating, an episode generally takes place once per week for a period of three months. A binge eater would eat more than a typical adult during a period of about two hours-- as mentioned before, this doesn't always mean consuming huge amounts like an entire pizza or cake, but simply eating large amounts of food--even if it's several normal amounts of different foods. The binge eater would feel out of control and would feel extremely upset by it.

If you struggle with binge eating, you may be so upset with yourself that you vow to stop but feel a compulsion to binge eat and can't resist it. This leads to more self-hatred. The cycle is shown in the image below. (source)

Binge eating episodes include three or more of the following criteria:

• Eating extremely fast
• Eating beyond feeling full
• Eating large amounts of food when not hungry
• Eating alone to hide how much one is eating
• Feeling terrible after a binge
• Feeling abnormal

Research shows that there is a correlation between perfectionism and eating disorders, including Binge Eating Disorder. Social perfectionism is the feeling that one never meets the expectations of others. This indicates the emotional complexity of Binge Eating Disorder, showing that it is caused by far more than a lack of self control.

Those with B.E.D. are often desperate for a sense of control which also correlates with perfectionism. Food is something that can be controlled and provides an escape from whatever feels "out of control" at the time of the binge. It is an escape from confronting uncomfortable emotions.

Triggers for bingeing can include stress, poor body-image, food, and boredom. Those with B.E.D. have often been lifelong dieters. Dieting or restricting calories during the day may lead to bingeing in the evening. 

Those with B.E.D. may isolate themselves, feel extreme shamefulness and guilt, be self-loathing,  experience anxiety and depression, and be obese. However, not all people with B.E.D. are obese.

How to help someone with Binge Eating Disorder? I think this quote sums it up better than I could myself: 

"Binge eaters feel bad enough about themselves and their behavior already. Lecturing, getting upset, or issuing ultimatums to a binge eater will only increase stress and make the situation worse. Instead, make it clear that you care about the person’s health and happiness and you’ll continue to be there." (source)

A binge episode is often followed with restriction or dieting in an effort to gain control. However, these behaviors are more damaging than helpful for someone with B.E.D.


Hopefully this helps you understand what Binge Eating Disorder is.


Do you have experience with B.E.D., either with yourself or someone you know? 

Binge Eating Disorder: Uncomfortable with Emotions

I had another therapy appointment this week. I journaled my food and my feelings for two weeks to try to figure out what my “triggers” for emotional/binge eating are. It was insightful.

But when I told my therapist about how each time I was unable to control my urges to eat, it had been preceded by some kind of

“feeling”, she then asked what feelings I was having.

And then I was stumped. Sometimes I didn’t really know what I was feeling, but it was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it. So while I might have felt stressed or anxious, those are umbrellas of feelings which include numerous other feelings and emotions. They’re very broad terms.

I felt kind of silly when she then handed me a paper with various facial expressions and the name of the emotion listed below each picture. She asked me which emotions I felt comfortable feeling. To my surprise, there were very few which I felt comfortable with—they were all of the more positive emotions.

A few that stuck out to me as being the most uncomfortable were anger, frustration, guilty, ashamed, overwhelmed, nervous, and shy.

And then she began explaining a concept called Emotional Intelligence. We measure how much we know by IQ, and similarly we can measure our emotional intelligence (EQ). It is something that is often overlooked but is extremely important.

Whether we know it or not, we have been conditioned to accept some emotions as acceptable, “good” emotions and others as “bad”. We all know someone stoic, who seems to be without emotion—and often it seems to run in families.

Believe it or not, being “stoic” (often wrongfully thought of as “strong”) is actually very unhealthy and can manifest in health problems. It is a good thing to be able to have emotions, to recognize the emotions, and then process the emotions. This is called Emotional Intelligence.

I feel like I have a pretty high EQ, but on the same note I struggle with my own emotions. I am aware of the feelings of others and can identify their emotions. Sometimes I think people like myself are too in tune with the emotions of others that it can have a dramatic affect on us. You could call it emotional sensitivity—it’s a great attribute to have because it makes us considerate of others, but it can also be a nightmare because we essentially “feel” too much.

But here’s the kicker, while maybe I have a high EQ—I am not comfortable with certain emotions. And so, in an effort to avoid feeling the emotions, I stuff them inside. I do anything to avoid “feeling”. As my therapist said, I “self-harm” by certain behaviors including binge eating. This causes me to zone out because, in some odd way, these self-harming behaviors are comforting to me. Of course, this makes me feel ashamed.

It makes perfect sense.

For example, the other night after a stressful “event” I thought I was hungry. So I grabbed a bowl, Cheerios, milk, and some fresh fruit. When hubby saw me, he asked “are you hungry or are you eating for an emotional reason?”.

I realized I wasn’t physically hungry. And so, one by one, I put each item away. I left the kitchen and I began to feel emotions come over me like a huge wave. I didn’t like it—it made me very uncomfortable. And so, I distracted myself by doing something else. I never truly felt the emotions, but at least I didn’t eat.

This is a pattern that happens over and over again. I know without a doubt that this is why I’m overweight.

My official diagnosis is a moderate Binge Eating Disorder. I have been listening to podcasts about eating disorders in general and the psychological similarities between Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating are incredible. However, Binge Eating Disorder is not commonly talked about as being in the same camp.

For me, treatment means identifying the psychological reasons that I want to compulsively eat. I am learning more about myself the more that I pay attention. There are definite patterns.

After that last appointment, I felt hopeful about overcoming this. I am also beginning to understand that the struggle will never “go away”, but I can learn how to cope with my emotions better.

Food Journal: Tracking Emotions

As I mentioned in this post, I have begun work on figuring out what triggers my emotional eating and binge eating episodes. My first step has been journaling what I am eating—not to count calories or macros, but to see how I am feeling emotionally when I’m eating.

It has been eye opening. It seems like every day I follow a pattern. I start off the day feeling great and I slowly enjoy my shake. As the day goes on, my behavior starts to shift.

Another thing I’m tracking is how fast I’m eating. I set a scale of 1-5 with 5 being the fastest—binge type behavior, and 1 being the slowest—extremely mindful.

The earliest “5” I have tracked was at 10:15 a.m. and this is certainly an exception. Every other “5” is somewhere between 12-evening.

I’ve found that one of my most frequent feelings prior to eating is being tired. I also tend to eat more following a stressful event or when I am upset.

I definitely would not consider every “5” a binge. I started tracking on Thursday, and I would count two times as a “binge”—neither being incredibly terrible, but it was definitely different than overeating and just emotional eating.

What’s the difference?

To me, binge eating is eating and eating as if to fill a void. I know I’m not hungry, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from eating. For me, this very rarely entails me eating one specific food—but entails me eating various amounts of multiple foods so that, at first glance, it doesn’t look like bingeing at all, but rather portion controlled snacks. At a closer look, you can see that there are a series of these “portion controlled snacks” in a row and they add up to a binge.

To me, overeating is just that— over eating. I’m not emotional. I feel in control of my behavior—I am just loving whatever food I’m eating and end up eating too much.

To me, emotional eating is eating something (usually sweets), to find comfort. This can easily turn into a binge, but I wouldn’t consider emotional eating a binge unless I feel out of control. The difference is the amount of food eaten in a specific amount of time (approximately two hours or so). If I eat a couple of scoops of ice cream and move on—I’d call that emotional eating.

However, if I followed that up by eating a couple of cookies, a handful of nuts, and a cheese stick (within a couple of hours)—I’d call that a binge. It really comes down to the amount of control I feel capable of at any given time.

This is a topic that definitely makes me feel insecure. I feel so embarrassed that this is even an issue for me, but I also know that admitting it is going to help me overcome it. It is what it is.

I’m not a victim. I could choose to continue blaming my weight issues on emotional eating, but the truth is that since I know what the problem is— it’s in my hands to fix it. I’m a survivor and I will overcome this.

I am ashamed. I feel guilty. It makes me dislike myself. These are all things that I will work through one step at a time.

Calorie Restriction vs. Calorie Adjustment

I was reading through a forum where someone commented about calorie restriction and adjustment. I can’t remember what site it was on, but it got me thinking anyways.

When you think about calorie restriction, you might imagine your ordinary diet—you eat less so that you can lose weight. A typical calorie restrictive diet is a plan followed temporarily until the results you are looking for are achieved—primarily with weight loss.

Being that I am overweight, but otherwise healthy (no medical problems contributing to weight gain), it’s evident that I consume far more calories than I burn—hence, my body stores the excess energy in fat cells.

As a 5’5 woman with a medium build, a healthy weight for myself would be about 130 (give or take). According to the American Cancer Society Calorie Counter, a 30 year old woman of this size would need about 1,900 calories to maintain that weight.

This means that throughout my life I have consumed more than 1,900 calories per day on average. I have no idea how many calories I would consume on a day where I am not consciously trying to limit my calorie intake, but let’s say I consumed 2,500 calories per day.

If I go on a “diet” and only eat 1,500 calories per day, is that truly restricting calories? You could think of it that way, but thinking of it as a calorie adjustment is more indicative of lifestyle change.

The reason for this is that I only truly need 1,900 calories per day to function and maintain my weight. For weight loss reasons, eating 1,500 calories per day would cause me to lose weight—but in reality it’s only 400 calories less than I would theoretically be eating if I were at a healthy weight of approximately 130 lbs. and wanted to maintain. Yes, it’s also 1,000 calories less than what I would be “over eating”, and a larger body requires more energy to function—so it would equal more weight loss.

If I am used to eating 2,500 calories per day and suddenly I am only eating 1,500, I’m probably going to be hungry because my body has gotten used to the higher calorie intake. Sometimes the hunger will be physical and other times emotional.

You could think of this as calorie restriction, but is it really restriction if your body doesn’t truly need 2,500 calories per day to function?

A calorie adjustment, which would mean that you are simply readjusting to consume the amount of calories that your body actually requires, and that once you lose the excess weight you will have adjusted to the true calorie requirement that your body needs.

It doesn’t stop there. If you begin to eat more calories than your body requires, the weight will come back on.

So my point is this—use the time that you are actively trying to lose weight to let your body adjust and work on an adjustment of your mind also. If you’re like me, a significant part of the reason you are overweight has to do with your emotions.

It’s kind of like re-calibrating the body and the changes truly will be an adjustment, both calorically and mentally.

This is my goal right now—to analyze my thought process which leads to over eating, and work on re-calibrating and adjusting my mind and body to a place of good health. I want the weight loss to be permanent this time—not just temporary.

 

What are your thoughts?

My New Plan Unveiled

I’ve decided to go ahead and tell you what the new program is that I’ve been so secretive about while I tried it for a bit. I’m really happy with it. I have hope and motivation for the first time in…I don’t even know when. But I want to do a little explaining first.

You’ve been along this journey with me and you know all of the struggles I’ve been having. It has done a number on my self-confidence and I have felt pretty hopeless.

For a little recap, I lost almost 90 lbs. on Weight Watchers, gained it back and more by the time I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression when the little one was 10 months old and have been struggling prior to that and after that.

Over the years, I have counted calories, tried clean eating, followed Trim Healthy Mama, Weight Watchers numerous times, Advocare, the Atkins Diet, South Beach Diet, and Metabolife. I have been dieting since I was in elementary school.

Most of these methods afforded me weight loss at some point—some more than others, but I never got to my goal on any of the programs. My previous endeavor at Weight Watchers was the time that I thought it would all “stick” and that I had truly changed my habits.

Unfortunately, I was wrong and as soon as I had high levels of stress in my life all of the weight came back on and I reverted back to my old habits—ones I’ve had since I’ve been a child. I had not “cured” myself, I was simply taking care of the side effects of my real issue by losing weight. All along I struggled with emotional eating.

 

My new plan has two parts that will complement each other.

Part One: The Plan

I heard about it a year and a half ago and brushed it off, not believing the rave reviews from friends—but I stayed a part of the Facebook group. Here we are a year and a half later and these ladies are still raving about it.

Last Friday, after not being able to get myself back on track (yet again)—I decided what I was doing was insane.

Trying to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results is insanity. And at that very moment I decided to join and stop WW for a while—I have since canceled WW.

I’m not saying WW doesn’t work or isn’t a good plan—I think it’s definitely a good plan and works for many, many people. However, I have also finally accepted that there is no “one size fits all” plan when it comes to weight loss and learning how to maintain weight.

That being said, I am trying something completely different and something that I would have (and did) scoff at in the past.

But it’s time to try something new and I won’t know the outcome unless I try. We’ll call it another endeavor, another experiment to see if this new way will work for me. So please hear me out and understand my perspective.

The new plan that both hubby and I are following is called Isagenix. We ordered one 30-Day Cleansing and Fat Burning System with the intent of each of us trying it for 15 days to see what we think because I was skeptical and pretty jaded.

The first day went well for me but hubby came home with a horrific headache and was ready to quit. Apparently, that is very common as the body gets rid of toxins. He decided he’d try another day.

On Day 2, we both felt fantastic. It’s really hard to explain. Of course we felt lighter, but we also felt that grogginess lift and I definitely have experienced more mental clarity and less brain fog. Part of this system is supposed to combat stress and fatigue—something we all know that I need.

I even noticed my skin looking better.

Anyways, the system is all natural and organic. You drink 2 shakes per day, eat 2 snacks, and eat one balanced meal that’s 400-600 calories. One day per week you do a cleanse—not a colon cleanse.

At this point, you’re probably about ready to give me a lecture. I know, I get it. I really do. But I’m also feeling the need to try something new, have some success, and get my life back again…I just have to try.

You have to remember that while many people gain back the weight with programs like this, many people also gain back the weight with other programs and ways of eating, including WW. But there are also some people who follow a plan like this, completely change their lives and the weight never comes back on. There are success stories as well as failures in every plan.

This plan will be paired with exercise, of course.

Both hubby and I have lost about 8 lbs. in 4 days (Monday through Thursday). My clothes are definitely fitting better, I have much more energy, and we’re both sleeping better (our Fitbits prove it!).

My plan is to lose the weight, fix the issues, and maintain when the time comes. Isagenix does have a plan for maintenance too. I have a lot of support from my family.

The next part should make you feel better if you are skeptical.

 

Part Two: Therapy

Today was my first session with a new therapist. At my Doctor’s Appointment, I asked to be referred to a therapist who specialized in disordered eating and my doctor promised to research and find the best one for me. And she did!

I absolutely love this therapist. She is so kind and understanding. She used to be a Stay at Home Mom and totally understands what that’s like. I just feel like I formed a better connection with her.

This session was more of a “get to know me” session. She summarized that she thought we needed to work on my “all or nothing” mentality, my perfectionism, low self-confidence, handling stress, and developing a support system that is here in Iowa. She recommended joining MOPS.

She told me to keep writing about what I’m going through and feeling—so you’re still on the hook for reading about my issues!

I don’t get to go back for about a month because of the holiday, etc. I have a homework assignment to come up with a list of things that I want more of and things I want less of. I love that I have an assignment because it makes me feel like I’m thoughtfully and intentionally working to better myself.

She saw that I was just “done” and willing to do whatever it takes to fix the mental issues so that I can finally lose the weight for good. I really feel like that’s the place where I’m at. I have just felt so hopeless and hit rock bottom this past year. I used to be too afraid to go to therapy for this, but I am finally ready.

 

So there you have it! This is what I’m doing and I’m glad I told you so I can start telling you all of the details along this new direction in my journey!

 

I ask that you please be kind in the comments. Please understand where I’m coming from and I also ask that you please be respectful. Your support would mean the world to me. Thanks!

Weigh in Day: How did I get here?

 

I had another gain this week which puts me only a couple of pounds below my starting weight. And I can feel it.

My body feels huge and unfamiliar. This isn’t me. It can’t be. I’ve already successfully lost a lot of weight—how can I find it such an impossible task now?

It’s because I never fixed the root cause and I do believe the cause is emotional eating.

I saw a picture of myself sitting down yesterday. For some reason sitting down pictures are just horrific—all of the blubber piles up and isn’t distributed like when I’m standing up. I couldn’t believe it was me. I seriously did not know I was that big. How did that happen?

Yesterday was the first time I couldn’t do something with my daughter that I wanted to because of my weight. There was this giant jumping pillow and it said you had to weigh less than 225 lbs. to jump on it. I hated that. I was able to take her down this huge slide though.

I’ve begun again today and I’m tracking my food, which hasn’t been happening regularly.

I feel like I’m at a great place to begin addressing the emotional eating issues again. I’m going to make an appointment to meet with my therapist again when I can—probably not for a couple of weeks.

I am feeling really well lately (except for the brief few days last weekend). I have my old energy back.

I met a friend for a little outing last week and went to the fall festival yesterday. I never would have survived either of those activities a few weeks ago without breaking down in tears.

I’ve actually kept the house relatively clean for about three weeks now. It helps that the FIL has been coming over pretty regularly! haha But really, I have been doing a great job keeping the house looking good. I’ve also kept up on the laundry and have cooked some new recipes! That’s pretty good comparing to where I have been.

This afternoon I was feeling that emotional eating feeling and I wanted to stuff my face with sugar. I stopped and I thought about it and made a conscious decision to drink a cup of coffee instead. It wasn’t long and the feeling passed and I felt just fine. Victory! I can do this, but it will take a lot of mindfulness.

But I just have to do this. I cannot gain any more weight or get any larger. I’m miserable, so why do I keep doing this to myself? I know I’m not alone in this but it sure feels like I’m the only weird one.

Anyways, thanks for reading and have a great weekend!

Guest Post: I Don’t Have an Eating Disorder… or do I?

I am happy to have Christina as my guest writer today! She is a fabulous writer and I love her blog. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us, Christina!

Hello! My name is Christina and I blog over at Love Yourself Healthy. I live in New Orleans with my husband and 2 children, and I am thrilled to be writing a guest post for Alissa! When she first asked if I’d like to write a post for her blog, I immediately said “sure!” Coming up with a topic was a bit more challenging, but a few of her more recent posts inspired my topic for today: “I don’t have an eating disorder… or do I?”

It was April of 2014 when I first started to think that I might have a problem; not a simple, “Ijustlovefoodsomuch” problem, but an “I think I might need professional help” problem. I’d always struggled with my weight, and I’d jump on one weight loss bandwagon after another. I’d lose a little, then fall off the wagon, give up, and gain everything back and then some. Every one of these failures resulted in an epic loss of “willpower,” an all-out binge, and I’d start the cycle all over again.

I never knew there was a name for what I was experiencing—and until recently, there really wasn’t. Binge Eating Disorder (BED) was finally added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) as an “official” eating disorder in 2013. It is the most common eating disorder among US adults (surprised? Yeah, me neither).

(I would like add that it was very difficult for me not to go off on a wild tangent at this point, but I’ll save that for another day!)

According to www.BingeEatingDisorder.com, the symptoms of BED are as follows:

1. Regularly eating far more food than most adults would in a similar time period and in similar circumstances, and feeling that one's eating is out of control during a binge.
2. Binge eating episodes that include three of the following:
1. Eating extremely fast
2. Eating beyond feeling full
3. Eating a lot when not hungry
4. Eating in secret to hide how much is being eaten
5. Feeling terrible after a binge
3. Feeling very upset by eating binges.
4. On average, binge eating at least once a week for three months.
5. Unlike people with other eating disorders, adults with BED don't routinely try to "undo" their excessive eating with extreme actions like throwing up or over-exercising.

It is important to note that not everyone who binge eats has binge eating disorder (source). I’d experienced periods of binge eating all throughout my life, but I don’t think it was actually BED until maybe the year prior to when I actually got help. The triggering event was the loss of my job.

My job loss could be a whole post in and of itself, but the important part is this--it took a HUGE toll on my self –esteem and I felt like garbage. I started to believe that all the crazy things at my former job were actually my fault and that I was a horrible person and a terrible employee. We eventually had to sell our house and move to New Orleans for my husband’s new job, and after that I was certain that if I could just get a job, everything would be better.

After a year of unemployment, I did finally get a job, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I questioned everything about myself that I’d always thought to be true, and I didn’t trust my abilities. Through all of this, I continued eating through my feelings. Every negative thought was squashed with a candy bar. Every time I felt angry, I ate until I quite literally couldn’t eat any more. I have a lap band (it’s unfilled and I don’t utilize it anymore, but there’s still a limit on how much I can stuff myself), so I’d throw up a bit and then continue eating. Every feeling of sadness, of loss, of anger, of failure, was stuffed down until I couldn’t stuff myself any more.

The final straw came in April 2014. Easter candy was on sale and I went to the store and bought all kinds of candy and ate it in my car on my lunch break from work. I remember thinking, “Oh my God, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, but I can’t stop. I CAN’T STOP.”  And I finished every bit of it, tears pouring down my face.

I went back to my office and immediately joined Weight Watchers, and then I starting googling Weight Watchers blogs. Now, before that day, I’d never even heard the words “binge eating” or “binge eating disorder” in relation to what I’d been experiencing, but the first two blogs I came across were women who’d struggled with binge eating. That, of course, led me to more blogs and then I did some research and realized that I just truly needed help. I found a therapist who specialized in eating disorders (binge eating disorder was actually specified in her profile), and it took a few days but I was finally able to make an appointment.

That, my friends, was probably the single most important thing I’d ever done for myself. I saw my therapist weekly for a while, then moved to every other week, then once a month. Maybe 5 months in, she finally convinced me to meet with the nutritionist she worked with, and I’m glad I finally did that. (I was also going to my Weight Watchers meetings every week.) I did this for 10 months, and my “team” was amazing. I worked through so much, so many experiences, so many feelings I didn’t even know I had.

I still struggle—in fact, I’ve made an appointment to see my therapist next week. I still struggle with depression, with binge urges, but now I have tools. I have tools to use to help me fight off those urges, and I feel empowered. I learned that in a world full of things I cannot control, the one thing I can control is myself—how I react to different people or events, the food I put in my body. It’s all my choice, and I have the power to control these things—no one else.

If you think you might have a binge eating problem, don’t be afraid to seek help. It’s so hard to take that first step, but it’s so worth it once you do it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thank you, Alissa, for allowing me to share a bit of my story on your blog today!

Weigh in Day Surprise: The Journey of Renovation in Weight Loss and Self-Love

I really messed it up this past week. I mean really badly. I was out of control with my eating.

I think it’s because I have been stressing about having a guest today. I’m feeling a lot better at the moment because I finally finished cleaning the entire house, with the exception of our bedroom—which will be my next project. I mean really and truly clean—hardly hiding any messes! You know what I mean? ha

I also have been pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in some relationships. I am a work in progress and I am seeing change in myself that I thought would never, ever happen. And it’s rewarding to me. It has brought me peace of heart in a way that I cannot explain. But it has been a little stressful for me—but as I keep going, it will get easier and more comfortable.

But anyways, I was expecting a gain this morning. I feel horrible. I look horribly bloated from the terrible food choices (sugary sweets). I don’t know how I did for points because I stopped tracking, once again.

In the midst of all of this, I am paying attention to how I am feeling, how I’m reacting, and I’m journaling it all. I just know I am going to conquer this lifelong demon that I have let control me (a part of myself without good judgment).

So get on with already, Alissa!

I lost 2.2 lbs. this week. Total loss of 9.4 lbs. I didn’t earn it in the least bit, but I’m going to take it and let it motivate me to do better.

Now that I think about it, I have made some positive changes and progress that doesn’t show on the scale but that I think will help me in the long run. I’m in the midst of transformation and renovation.

Everyone knows that a cocoon isn’t very beautiful, but the butterfly is.

When an old building is renovated, there’s a lost of dust, junk, and a lot of mess. But when an old building is renewed, it’s sometimes even more beautiful than it was in the first place.

This process is messy. It’s ugly. It even hurts sometimes.

But just like when I don’t have the energy to truly clean the house and it’s easier to just hide messes, I refuse to just hide my problems and struggles so that I don’t have to acknowledge them.

Not this time.

Not ever again.

I’m under construction right now, but after a lot of hard work and dedication (not just on the scale) I will be transformed into something more beautiful than ever before.

The walls I’ve built up will come down. The junk will be emptied out of the drawers (and my trunk - ha). I will be renewed and ready to face down those demons once and for all.

But for now, I am still a work in progress.

A History of Emotional Eating, Introspection, and Journaling

As a start to my therapy to find out why I struggle so much with emotional eating, I have been journaling when I eat and I know I’m eating for emotional reasons and not because I’m actually hungry.

I am ok with eating when I’m just enjoying a moment where food is involved—like enjoying a s’more or a delicious meal with family. I know that these occasional indulgences are not the root of my problem—it’s the overeating, or perhaps the bingeing, that I do in response to emotions.

Journaling has been eye opening. If you’re a long time reader, you know that I used to journal my food every day via pictures here on my blog. I would talk about a lot of things that happened throughout my day and how I was feeling. But the type of journaling that I’m doing now is much different and it is helping me become aware of what it feels like when I want to eat/binge on chocolate. Chocolate seems to be my drug of choice.

Here is how I was feeling before I decided to eat whatever food I was eating for emotional reasons within the past week:

emotionally drained, tired, overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, hormonal, anxious, frustrated, stressed, and feeling judged.

Now that I’ve been paying attention, I can literally feel it coming on. My entire body becomes tense, I feel tired, and the only thing I can think about is getting that sugar fix. Literally, I cannot get it off of my mind. And sometimes I feel better after eating something, but most of the time I don’t and it leads to a downward spiral.

This is certainly not something new and sugar/chocolate has not always been my fix. I can actually pinpoint exactly when chocolate became my drug of choice.

It began when I was 18 years old and was working a summer in Branson, MO and living with my aunt and uncle. I was working my first job. I was trying to come out of my shell and make friends, etc. It was so incredibly stressful for me, which now I understand is simply because I am an introvert (for the most part). I would have been better suited finding friends who enjoyed talking about literature and current events—but those are hard to find and I didn’t know at that time really who I was.

One day after work, I sat in the living room and I started eating Cadbury fruit and nut bites. Of course, I thought they were kind of healthy because they had fruit and nuts—ha. My aunt came home (she also has weight issues), and saw my pile of wrappers on the end table and asked me if I had eaten all of them.

I was shocked when I looked over and saw how many I had eaten. Probably 15 pieces or so. It was completely mindless. Maybe that’s why I felt like I needed it—it was like an escape from everything I was feeling. All I had to focus on was the rich, creamy chocolate melting in my mouth and sending my endorphins into overdrive. In those moments I felt better.

I remember shrugging it off and telling my aunt that it wasn’t a big deal. I believe she warned me about diabetes, something that she suffers from. But her attitude was judgmental and it hurt. I felt so much shame. After that, I would use one wrapper and crumple up the wrappers into little pieces and stick them inside the one wrapper so no one could see how many pieces I had actually eaten if they happened to see wrappers in the trash can. Now I see how that is disordered eating and probably considered bingeing.

Prior to those days, my drug of choice was anything that was junk food.

Middle school was incredibly stressful for me. Now I know that I have probably suffered from anxiety pretty much my entire life, but I didn’t know that then. Other kids made fun of me because I was larger than they were. I was awkward in my gym uniform and even less coordinated in sports. I hated changing clothes in the locker room. I hated putting on my swimsuit on my overweight body and having to swim with my entire class while we were in our swimming unit of the curriculum. I hated the laughs as the water splashed when I was required to jump off of the diving board. I was bullied by teachers. I could hardly fit in the small desks. I was painfully shy and would lose all train of thought if called upon in class, making me look like an idiot.

That’s a lot for a 13 year old.

I wouldn’t eat lunch at school because I was too embarrassed to eat in front of people. This meant I would be starving after school and usually have a headache. I would go home and eat anything I could find that wasn’t healthy.

I specifically remember a time when we had a guest at our house. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating and reading the comics from the newspaper—I yearned for this moment every day. I was eating an entire can of vegetable soup and eating bbq chips straight out of the bag.

I kept eating, and eating, and eating.

This guest took the bag of chips and closed it and put a clip on it, saying I had probably eaten enough. This made me angry and embarrassed. I reopened the bag and continued to eat them because well, she wasn’t the boss of me. But now I can see that she saw something that I was not able to see—disordered eating. I don’t know if she judged me for just eating too much, or if she really saw that I was eating for the wrong reasons. I don’t know. But I do know that it hurt. And I continued to feel ashamed.

These habits have never left me. When the going gets tough, I reach for food. When the mountain gets too steep, I stuff chocolate in my mouth. When I am sad, anxious, angry, stressed, or tired—I turn to food.

I have not talked about these events since the day they happened. I am doing a lot of introspection and am finally seeing the error of my ways and I want to change. Right now, I am just tracking what I am doing without really working through stopping myself quite yet. I want to figure out what’s triggering the eating first. I do use some self-control here and there, so it’s not like it’s a free for all. But I know my signs and I know when I’m eating for the wrong reasons.

I’m not quite sure what the overall point of this post is, other than to just express and admit some of my issues with emotional eating. There are so many emotions attached to food and it’s unhealthy for me. I hope that somehow I can get to the bottom of this and learn how to cope in a healthier way.

 

Can you relate to my eating issues? What has been your experience?

Self-Love < Cookies

Hello everyone!

I had a relaxing weekend camping and napping. It was just what I needed and I’m feeling much better today. It was so hot and humid outside that we spent most of our time inside the camper with air conditioning, so I’m not sure you would actually call that camping…! ha

I packed a lot of healthy food for us this time and it definitely made me feel better! However, we went to Chili’s for a meal and I convinced myself to order a salad because it would be better for me but I didn’t look at the points until afterwards! It was 38 points. I just couldn’t believe it. So that pretty much did me in for my points. Lesson learned—look up the points prior to eating!

Anyways, I’m back to counting the points today and hopefully I can undo some of the damage before Friday! Overall, I’m proud of myself for the improvements for most of my food choices—but there’s still room for improvement!

I did a lot of thinking this weekend about my next step. Talking about all of this in therapy has me wondering if my core issue is that I do not respect or love myself enough. Hence, I sabotage myself and make poor choices over and over again.

I think that a great plan of action would be to consider the impact of my choices before making a choice. Instead of thinking “I hate my body. I need to lose weight and because of this I’m going to eat a salad for lunch even though what I really want is sugary cereal”, I will think “Because I love myself and care about my health, I’m going to eat this nutritious salad for lunch because I know it’s what my body needs”. Make sense?

This way of thinking will help me to place value on myself rather than on food. I will learn to love and respect myself more than I love eating cookies. That sounds kind of weird—like I’m a cookie monster or something! But that’s really the choice that I’m making when I choose to overindulge in cookies—I want cookies more than I want to meet my goals and take care of myself.

I’m sure this sounds pretty easy to anyone who does not have issues with disordered eating. I’m starting to learn that maybe this is my problem. I never wanted to admit that I was a binger, but maybe I am. I am continuing to look inward to reach the very core of my issues so I can finally get to the bottom of my weight problems. It’s going to take a lot of work.

Seriously, just today I thought, “eating oatmeal would be something I could do to show love and respect for my body. Nah, I’d rather eat cereal.” So somehow I am going to have to want to meet my goals more than I want to eat or receive whatever comfort I receive from food.

Any tips for me as I attempt this?

My Journey: Therapy for my Emotional Eating Habit

A few years ago, the thought of talking to someone about my emotional eating tendencies would have scared me enough that I would have never considered it. And I never did, until now.

I hit rock bottom this year, thanks to postpartum depression. Because of that, I was more than willing to go to therapy to work through my emotions and learn the coping skills that I so desperately needed to simply function and overcome the anxiety that I had developed. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still haven’t completely recovered. It’s a process that takes time and a lot of work.

I had a therapy session yesterday where we talked about how I feel like my hubby and baby girl deserve someone much better than me. It was the hardest session that I’ve had yet and it made me realize how deeply I have shoved my emotions into my heart.

We focused on how I feel like my hubby deserves a woman who has it more together. Someone who doesn’t have all of my issues. Someone who is fit, thin, and beautiful. Someone the opposite of me. And once again, it all came down to  poor body image, intense feelings of shame & guilt, and not loving & accepting myself.

We talked about my pregnancy and how I never really got to enjoy it because I was always worried about my weight and felt like I was ugly & huge. I never got to experience really having a “baby bump” because I already had a plump figure. No one could even tell that I was pregnant—it just looked like I was getting fatter and fatter.

I told her about something my doctor did to me in the last few weeks of pregnancy and the emotions and shame swept over me like it had just happened again. I sobbed. My heart is still broken over that and I never took the time to heal and come to terms with the experience, which is why I still feel the pain of it so strongly. I feel like it is finally time to blog about that experience so that I can finally heal. I’ll share that when I have the time & gain the courage.

It all came down to my weight, my negative body image, and my negative self image—once again. And I believe that may be the root of my problem. I don’t love myself. I absolutely hate myself. That didn’t just happen over night but it has been a lifelong accumulation of negative self talk, and believing what any person said about me like it was the gospel truth. It’s because of a lack of confidence. It’s a feeling of unworthiness.

My therapist seems fairly religious and I am thankful for that because she brings insight into how God might view my situation. Her thoughts cause me to think differently about my experiences and it helps to spin a more positive light on my situation.

My biggest take away from this appointment was that God created me and He knows that I am not perfect and that I will never be perfect. But if I am living my life trying to become what would please God, then that is enough. He loves me, despite the fact that I am imperfect.

Maybe I don’t have the perfect body and I struggle with my weight. Maybe I have postpartum depression. Maybe I am not perfect. But because of these physical & emotional imperfections, great things have been done in my heart.

If was had been born with a perfect body and no eating issues, I would never have been able to understand what it’s like to be bullied & belittled and maybe I would never have had the empathy that I have now. I never would have needed this blog as an outlet. Perhaps the entire course of my life would have changed, and quite honestly—I have a pretty good life the way it is.

Life may have been a lot less complicated and easier if I had not been predisposed to postpartum depression. But if it had never happened, the restoration that is occurring in my heart and soul would never have happened. Once again, it has helped me to have empathy and compassion for others.  It has caused me to seek out God more earnestly. The experience has improved my marriage and brought us even closer together. And it is because of this experience that I am even beginning this journey of therapy to address the issues that have lead to my weight problem.

How can I have shame about my perceived imperfections when these are the very tools which have molded me into who I am?

How can I expect to attain perfection when God has created me knowing that I will be imperfect, and yet loves me anyway?

These questions are like the effect of the warmth of the rising sun on a densely foggy morning—they dissipate the fears and bring clarity to the distant horizon. It’s a start. I can see my goal, but the road to get there is still long and winding.

My mission for the next couple of weeks is to begin to track my emotions when I “go off track” or when I am eating for reasons other than hunger. I stopped at Target and bought a little notebook that I will keep in my purse. And wouldn’t you know that my first entry is: ate a chocolate chip cookie from Starbucks because I was emotionally drained after therapy.

It is amazing how physically draining emotions can be. After the appointment, I never did get my energy back. I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. I feel better after a good night’s sleep.

This was my first therapy session where we discussed how I need help with the psychological reasons of why I am overweight. She told me this is something that we can work on. And that gives me hope. By journaling, she believes this will bring insight into why I am overeating, etc. and then we can go from there.

And so this is only the beginning.

Weigh in Day & Food Boredom

It was pretty horrible and I expected it to be while hoping that it wouldn’t be. I gained another 1.7 lb. So now I am up 2.8 lbs. from my lowest.

While I did super well last week and had a gain, I did not do so well this week. I got through the 4th of July just fine, tracking all of my points and even walked a 5k. And then I woke up Sunday morning feeling overwhelmed and exhausted which led to stress and emotional eating. Totally guilty.

The problem is that I stopped tracking again. Why do I do that? I can’t seem to break the “needing to start again on Monday Friday” mindset. Ugh—I am a train wreck in pretty much every single way right now.

I know that change is 100% up to me. I want to change but I need to start creating new habits. Emotional eating has been a part of me for as long as I can remember—I can’t just say “stop emotional eating”, but I need to replace it with something. I am going to follow my counselor’s advice this week and when/if I feel the need to eat for reasons other than hunger, I will snack on carrot sticks or apples. It’s hard to gain weight eating those.

It also seems that when I am feeling like I do when I begin to eat my emotions, I just don’t care. I lose all ability to think logically and I just want some chocolate. I actually bought chocolate when I had to run into the store on Sunday, when I was feeling especially emotionally drained. Perhaps it’s like an addiction and I’m just craving that rush of feel good hormones. Maybe I should go to rehab. ha.

Lately, I open the fridge and can’t stand the thought of eating a spinach salad even though I bought the spinach in hopes that I would eat it. Ever since I was pregnant I have found salads disgusting. Well, I should say that I find salads that I make disgusting. I love eating at a salad bar or eating a salad made by someone else but the thought of eating a salad that I’ve made at home makes me want to gag. And I used to love salads and it’s one way that I made sure to eat healthy at lunch time.

I cannot stand ranch dressing ever since I followed Trim Healthy Mama and ate it all of the time because a certain brand of ranch was one of the few approved salad dressings. I have tried buying iceberg lettuce to see if maybe I just didn’t like spinach anymore and that still didn’t work. I should try boiling eggs and get some flavorful and healthy salad toppings that I would like. What a conundrum!

I am just bored with my food lately. Nothing sounds good. I stock up the house with healthy foods every week but I am struggling to figure out what to cook at meal times. All I really want to eat lately is cereal. Literally, I had cereal for supper last night. I could force myself to eat certain things but I’m not sure that is the answer either.

The meal I enjoyed the most last week was a grilled chicken sandwich and side salad at Culver’s. The salad was delicious because I didn’t make it, I guess. Plus I really love their French salad dressing. But anyway, I could make both of those things at home.

My method of cooking has always been that when we get hungry I cook something up. It didn’t matter how long it took, we just waited until it was done and ate. However, it seems like baby girl gets hungry way before hubby and I do or long before hubby gets home. So then I’m rushing to get something healthy together for a fussy baby and then we end up eating the same things over and over again.

I need to plan better and prepare our meals earlier so they are ready. Or maybe I need to start feeding baby girl a snack. Right now she typically just eats her three meals per day. Either way, I think it comes down to planning.

So anyways, this was just a free write of my thoughts. I’m disappointed in myself (again). I wish I could just rewind to the person I was when I lost almost 90 lbs. Apparently, I’ve picked up some bad habits since then—again.

I have not thrown in the towel though. I’m not giving up on myself.

Chocolate Covered Emotions

“Life is like a box of chocolates,

you never know what you’re gonna get.”

-Forrest Gump

I have been trying to create the right mindset for this journey because I think it is essential for lasting results. This takes a lot of emotional work and I feel like I am ready to do this—simply because I hit absolutely rock bottom and I want nothing more than to climb out of the pit and to soar far above it.

I firmly believe that those of us who are severely overweight are so because of underlying emotional issues and not because we just love food so much that we can’t stop eating. Food is our drug. It helps us escape. We eat to try to fulfill a need that is not being met and, for me, I believe that it’s because of the way that I think—my mindset.

I live in a constant state of guilt, shame, anxiety, and self-criticism. I take everything quite personally and I feel very much. I don’t know that this is necessarily a bad trait because I think that analytical thinking and introspection are good things—they make me who I am. But I need to learn to harness that way of thinking so that it doesn’t lead to self-destruction.

My therapist taught me a skill that I have found very useful in making peace with things that have happened in my past that my mind wants to frequently remind me of and make me feel hurt and ashamed. This same skill can be used for current situations and the more I practice it, the better I will become at it.

For example, I had a teacher in middle school who basically bullied me. As a 13 year old, I didn’t understand that what he did was absolutely unacceptable but instead I took on shame and embarrassment. I am going to save the specifics of this for another post, but I will share how I have learned to start to heal from this experience.

1. How did it make me feel? I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and it made me hate myself.
2. What is the logic? I was just a child and so I thought like a child. This was not my fault. Apparently, this teacher had issues of his own which he took out on me.
3. What is the lesson? We all have luggage and we carry around our pain. However, taking it out on other people is wrong. It’s even more wrong to be in a leadership role as an adult and to belittle those under our leadership or power—especially a child. It’s never ok to belittle another to try to fit in with the “cool kids”. Always respect the feelings of another.

When I analyze my thoughts and my mindset, I can change the way that I think about the situation and this brings me peace. I am carrying around memories of a 13 year old girl, but if I can think about those memories as the 29 year old woman that I am—I can bring wisdom to these memories and instead of guilt, I have more wisdom about life. Instead of shame, I can be thankful for the fact that I survived the experience and proud because I learned from it and even though it was painful, it has played a small part of who I am today.

My goal is to apply these three questions to whatever experience is causing me to want to eat. The overall logic of every situation that pushes me to emotional eating is that eating is not going to fix the emotional problem but it will probably make me feel worse. Essentially, I have to process what I am feeling instead of stuffing it inside and trying to cover it with chocolate.

No more chocolate covered emotions. Instead, I will refine the emotion until I can make a pure nugget of wisdom, the fruit of life.

Weigh in day & mental illness talk #postpartumdepression

It is a relief to have stepped on the scale and to have it over with. I gained .7 lb.

The damage wasn’t as bad as I imagined it to be, but also marks three weeks of struggles and being off track. I know that this is all me—it’s not the plan, it’s not because I don’t have time, and it’s not because I don’t have the right foods in the house. It’s just me. It is my mental and emotional state and my lack of using the tools I have to form new habits to replace my emotional eating habit.

It’s a new week now and I can begin again. I know that I can always begin again after even just one bad choice, but there’s something about the clean slate that is extra motivational.

Yesterday, I continued to feel down—like really down. As in I the feelings I used to have where I just yearned for that silence and peace—like I didn’t want to exist anymore. I needed to talk to someone about it but never got the chance.

I hesitate to even admit that because the real me is an ultra-positive, half is glass full kind of gal. But I want to be real on the blog, and this is what was real. Postpartum depression, mental illness, whatever this monster is (yet it is myself), is unexplainable and horrid.

I searched Pinterest last night for anything that could encourage me about this condition. I came across a few things that helped me. I will share some of these in a later post, but one in particular has stuck in my mind, “Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so you can discover that he is the rock at the bottom”. I am thankful that through all of this, He is always there and He does hold me in the shadow of his wings.

I have learned a lot over the past few months and I knew that based on how I felt when I woke up yesterday morning that I needed to get out of the house even though it was the last thing I really wanted to do. So I called hubby and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch. We met at Subway and that brightened my spirits.

I kind of “took a vacation day” yesterday. Baby girl and I went to Kohl’s and Wal-mart afterwards. And then in the evening, we met hubby for supper (salad at Applebee’s) and hubby let me have some time alone while I tried on some swimsuits and got groceries. The swimsuit thing kind of left me feeling worse—ack! But at the end of it all, I needed that quiet time alone—“putting on my oxygen mask first”, if you will.

While at Kohl’s, I ran into this woman who has suffered terrible tragedy in her life and very publicly. I knew who she was because I have seen her suffering in the news. We had an interaction and she was the kindest person to me and baby. This woman who has been through so so much and was still so kind and positive. I didn’t expect that, wouldn’t expect that, but it was really remarkable to me. I could feel her strength in just our short conversation.

I woke up this morning feeling better and I am hoping that I’m over this “bump in the road”. Onward and forward. I am pushing myself to get out of the house again today—this time with some family (women around my age) to go strawberry picking. I am so so hoping this goes ok!!! I must work on controlling the thoughts in my mind.

Have a great weekend!

Struggling in a big way—a novel of a post

Emotional eating has been the name of the game for the past few days. I haven’t been feeling like myself and I’m hoping it’s just hormones to blame.

I haven’t been able to stay away from chocolate—I’ve had some every day for probably the last week, but not in moderate portions the past few days. I’m not talking about crazy amounts, but just enough for me to realize that it’s emotional eating. I also ate two servings of ice cream yesterday for no particular reason other than I felt like it.

I am feeling stressed out (and don’t have a reason to be), anxious, and a little blue. I’ve had a couple of things happen this week that have added to my anxiety.

First, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. This is not like what you see in the movies. While she does have a couch, this isn’t therapy but it’s just about figuring out what cocktail of medication I need for the PPD recovery process.

So anyways, hubby was supposed to be able to watch baby girl while I had my appointment but he ended up not being able to make it. Since I had already canceled my appointment once, I decided I would take her with me since it’s usually a pretty quick in-and-out appointment.

I arrived and the small waiting room was filled with people. The receptionist was telling me that I owed money and if I didn’t pay it they were going to turn it over to collections. This was news to me because we have paid all bills we have received and I had no idea what she was talking about. However, the entire waiting room was our audience. That’s embarrassing—and not even accurate!

So I headed out to the small hallway to wait because there were just too many people in that small room for me to feel comfortable with. I let baby girl walk up and down the hallway, having to hold her hand most of the time because she wants to explore anything and everything she comes across, including trying to stick her fingers in electrical outlets. This child…lol.

And then this well-intentioned man came out of the waiting room to tell me that there were a couple of chairs available. So I felt like maybe I should go sit down since he was trying to be kind and I didn’t want to be rude. So I found a seat on the edge of the room. And then this lady gave baby girl her cell phone to play with. Whhatttt? Anyways, I didn’t want baby girl touching this thing for one thing but I also didn’t want her to break the phone! So I let her hold it for like a minute and then handed it back to the lady and said thank you.

In situations like these, I prefer to snuggle up inside my shell and not interact with anyone and just try to make it through. I know this sounds crazy but I guess it is how I have always coped. With baby girl, that is impossible. She likes to interact with anyone and everyone who will pay attention to her, including another baby in the room which she felt the need to yell across the room to. lol. She was waving at the receptionist and even wanted to walk through the room of people, probably to go make some new friends. She is a very friendly little girl, which I am proud of her for because it is not something I know how to do—but it’s also uncomfortable for me.

So we waited for 45 minutes PAST our appointment time. At that point I was about ready to leave. I was incredibly anxious and sweaty. Baby girl was about to lose it because it was passed her nap time and she was getting cranky and throwing everything I gave her to try to keep her entertained.

When the doctor finally called me in, her first question was that she noticed me waiting in the hallway and was I doing that because the room of people made me uncomfortable. She also proceeded to hand me a Kleenex because she saw me sweating. Oh my goodness—embarrassing, but it was anxiety related. So she saw my issues in person and told me she wanted to up one of my medicines if I was comfortable with it because she was confident it would help my social anxiety, but also told me to continue therapy to find ways to cope in these situations.

Meanwhile, baby girl wanted to run around her office and check everything out because that’s just her. I was trying to keep her close but the doctor said, just let her go—she’s fine. So she was going all over her office and trying to get in her papers, ripped a page in a children’s book, started to play with the mini-blind cords, and even went behind the doctor’s desk and right up to the doctor! So I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be worrying about what she was doing because the doctor told me not to, but I didn’t want her running around doing whatever so I was super nervous about that. The doctor didn’t care at all—but I was completely distracted and nervous. The doctor commented that baby girl is very inquisitive, happy, and active, which is a good thing, but keeps me on my toes—which she said was good for me because it will help me lose weight. lol…Anyways. She also told me my medication can also help me lose weight—so I will be pleasantly surprised if that does happen.

So by the time this appointment was done, I had given up any hope of going to Wal-Mart to look for a swim suit for my water aerobics class. I buckled baby girl into her car seat and then realized she had thrown her lovey blanket somewhere in the doctor’s office. There was no way I was going to try to live without that—so I unbuckled her and back into the office we went. Someone was talking to the receptionist, so we waited and waited. The receptionist quickly got the lovey and off we went….to Starbucks where I bought a nonfat caramel macchiato and a flourless chocolate cookie. Totally stress eating—and I would say that was the beginning. And then I got home and hubby told me he had to work late and I wouldn’t be able to make it to my first water aerobics class. I was disappointed and relieved all at the same time.

Now I know that I have written a novel, but I have more to say—lol.

Last night we had our bible study. Hubby had to work late again…but said he thought he could meet me there…and he did. As I’ve mentioned, I haven’t been feeling like myself and I need to learn that when I feel like that I should just stay home and “heal”, if you will. But I didn’t.

So there was a visiting couple there with a 6 month old. And this mom was completely relaxed and so was her baby. Just laying there and hardly making a peep. Baby girl has never acted like that in her life. So here she is chattering away and yelling and making her noises, throwing her toys, trying to climb all over me and hubby, and squirming to try to escape our arms so she can go climb the nearest steps (her latest obsession). She still takes a night time bottle and unfortunately I forgot it at home.

I saw this couple making sideways glances at us and at their parents. And I understand that I do not know what people are thinking but I think that I do…ha. So I was thinking that they were thinking (now that sounds crazy), “Wow, she is obnoxious…they really need to take her out. Why aren’t they taking her out…she’s distracting. We’re so much better parents than they are…just look, our precious baby is sitting so still and just staring at their wild child like he can’t believe his eyes. It’s probably because she’s formula fed”.

My thoughts get out of control. So hubby took baby girl out and I sat there and got very anxious to the point of tears, so I left the room and found hubby and cried. I told him I just couldn’t handle it and that I would take care of baby girl while he was in the bible study. He told me to take a Xanax, which I probably should have done before I got there.

While keeping baby entertained, she was starting to lose it. I tried to feed her Cheerios and she took a fistful and threw them all on the floor. She kept throwing her pacifier. I gave her a drink and she drank and drank and then started spitting water and she was soaking wet so I had to change her clothes.

Once the study was over, I rejoined the group and picked up all of the toys strewn all over. Finally baby girl could get down to walk around all she wanted to do was try to climb the stairs. So I stood up and held her. One man was joking with me and asked I was still having fun or if I was ready to give her away. I just laughed but I was thinking to myself, well actually I’m just now starting to have fun and unfortunately I never got to experience that before (a topic for another post). But I just smiled. And then another woman (a mother with older children) kind of sighed and said, “how are you?” and then said to baby girl “you are keeping your mama busy!”. And then I just started to lose it and started to cry so I said excuse me and went outside where I just started bawling. Thankfully, hubby had noticed and brought all of our stuff out and got us to the car and ready to leave.

It was just too much for me. And then I felt like I was back-tracking on the progress that I had made and I felt really disappointed. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just hormones or something.

I really feel like we have a unique child. I have a feeling that she is very smart (I know all parents probably think this…lol), and she is incredibly active and outgoing. The girl can whistle. If we sing the ABC’s, we sometimes catch her continuing the song, her “words” imitating the sounds of the letters. We get these little glimpses of what’s going on in her head and we are surprised! She definitely has a sense of humor.

I absolutely love her, but as her mother, I also understand her while people who are not around her everyday do not. So I’m afraid people might look on like, “what is up with her”, but they don’t really know her personality, etc. They don’t know that the only time she really acts out is when she is really tired, but otherwise she is a well behaved, sweet and funny little girl.

So while I wanted to begin the Couch to 5K this morning, I decided sleep was a better option for me at the moment. And I feel disappointed in myself for a variety of reasons. I’ve lost the energy that I had recently found. I have found myself wanting to curl up at home and not interact with anyone—except that we have company coming tomorrow night until Monday—whom I invited myself when I was feeling wonderful.

I actually called my husband last night and told him that I was too fat to leave the house…I know that sounds weird but it’s just my sense of humor and trying to express the way that I felt. I was sitting on the floor playing with baby girl and I saw myself in the mirror and I cannot believe how horrible I look. I am ginormous. I look like I sit around the house and eat Twinkies and entire pizzas by myself. I don’t do either, by the way, but no one else knows that—I just look like a woman who has absolutely no self control with food. And I probably am that woman.

I have been trying to tell myself that it’s OK that I am where I am. Most people do not know what I have been through in the last couple of years. They don’t know the battles that I have fought and that I am a SURVIVOR. A Warrior Mom. Even though right now, I feel like I have curled up inside my armor, laid down on the battle field clutching my sword with my shield resting over my body like a turtle shell.

I will get up again. The battle isn’t over yet.

Personal Update, Struggles, and Style

Hello everyone and happy Thursday!

I decided to do my personal update post today instead of including it with my weigh in stats tomorrow. Mostly, I just need to talk about what has been going on lately so I can get my head on straight.

I accidently ate too many points on our day trip. I say accidently because we ended up going to Perkins and baby was fussy, super energetic and hard to handle! I wasn’t able to look up my points until after we left and then realized that I had eaten more points than I had. Bummer. I also could have made better decisions in general.

So I had best intentions for the following days and then I let stress get in the way—which I always seem to do.

Baby girl has had some “intestinal” problems since April 30th. I feed her very well—lots of veggies, I’ve added pureed fruit since I can’t get her to eat it otherwise, whole grains, etc. I had even started adding a bit of apple juice to her water, took my mother’s advice and added 1 tsp of Karo syrup to her bottles (I never thought I would do something like this but when your baby is in pain you’ll try anything!), gave her massages, etc. I was doing everything right and things weren’t improving. She was in so much pain and the doctor’s office didn’t seem to understand my concern, which made me more frustrated because I felt so helpless!

I started adding prune juice to her bottles and to her water. I made bran muffins, kept up the foods with high fiber content, and made sure she was drinking enough water. I eventually had to go to a last resort and give her a glycerin suppository, which the doctor recommended (the kid’s version). That finally helped and everything started to work normally again—almost too much! You’re welcome for this information, I just wanted to talk about it…lol.

Before I had a baby, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to handle boogers, poop and everything else. “Gross!”, I’d say. But you know what? When you become a mama, all of the sudden none of that matters anymore and you take care of business. I’ve been pooped on, peed on, and vomited on more times than I can count and I have never even gagged. Funny how that works out!

So my point in sharing TMI is to say that I have been stressed out this week…and also hormonal. Add nights with baby girl waking up numerous times. Bad, bad combination.

I was tracking everything I ate whether I thought it was “good” or not. And then about yesterday I stopped tracking. I didn’t go crazy and eat everything in sight, but I probably didn’t need that sundae with hot fudge and Reese’s.

Sigh. In keeping with my goal to have a “survivor mentality”, I take full responsibility. If I am going to “survive”, I will have to learn how to handle stress better. How long have I been saying this? I think I should talk to my counselor about this…maybe I can finally get some help!

On another note, my anxiety continues to improve and I am feeling much more normal—Yay!

In other news, we’re having baby girl’s 1 year photos taken this Saturday. I decided to add on the cake smash option too. It will be so cute. We’re using the same photographer who took her newborn pics—super cute! This lady is so talented. She’s also going to shoot a couple photos of us as a family.

I have baby girl’s outfits, and have hubby’s outfit planned but I don’t have anything yet! I ordered a custom chevron skirt on Etsy and it just shipped—it might be here by Saturday and it might not—so I will have to plan otherwise. I’m really hoping it gets here and it fits. I’m going to go shopping and am going to try to find a denim top to wear with my maxi skirts—I was looking at fashion on Pinterest and it looks like this is in style right now? What do I know…but I think it’s cute anyways!

This is the look I’m going for—minus the necklace and style of headband. My skirt will be aqua and white. (Pinterest link)

If I can’t find a denim “top”, I will try to find a denim jacket—this is the look.  (Pinterest link)

What do you think?

Anyways, I better get moving because I have a counseling appointment this afternoon and will have to get baby fed, bathed, and dressed before then…and myself too!

Do you have a Survivor or Victim Mentality in Weight Loss and Life?

The concept of survivor vs. victim mentality was introduced to me in a counseling session, of which I have been going to for postpartum depression recovery. We were discussing a difficult relationship and her advice was invaluable to me—I do plan to blog about dealing with negative relationships soon, but what I find especially intriguing right now is applying this concept to weight loss.

I believe that I have taken on both the survivor and the victim mentality throughout the years. I remember the first time that I met my doctor and I was struggling to lose more weight, having already lost a significant amount, and she told me “you are NOT a failure”. I hadn’t mentioned anything about feeling like a failure, but somehow she had just the right words.

I remember coming home, getting on my recumbent bike and biking my heart out with tears streaming down my face.

I am NOT a failure. I, Alissa, am NOT a failure.

The thought was amazingly freeing and it was a huge turning point for me.

I finally realized that all of the heartbreak I had endured with various people (adults, coaches, and peers) telling me that who I was wasn’t good enough, skinny enough, fast enough, talented enough, pretty enough, outgoing enough—none of that was true.

These were no longer excuses for me to feel like a victim broken by life and like I didn’t measure up—instead, they were experiences that made me stronger, better, and kinder. I was a survivor of these experiences. It doesn’t mean that these experiences were not painful, that they weren’t wrong in so many ways, or that it was even a gift that I went through them. It simply meant that life threw cruelty in my face in so many ways and that I am still standing strong—better for it.

It took me a very long time to get to this place of acceptance and strength. And to this day, I can honestly say that I truly believe that the comments made about me and cruel actions towards me are not a reflection of myself, but a reflection of the inflictor. These were their issues, not mine. I am a survivor.

A SURVIVOR.

The word simply invokes strength out of what felt like weakness. It is a shift in mentality that I am finding is a key to happiness.

And so I have been thinking about ways in which I am taking on a victim role in regard to weight loss and my life in general. These are areas of my life that I need to take responsibility for and take action. That doesn’t mean that they are not valid, or that I am silly for feeling a certain way—it simply means that to move forward and to be a survivor, I have to take action. Nobody can do this for me except for me.

• Victim mentality: I have always felt like I received the short end of the stick in the genetics department. Somehow, I inherited the weight problem.
• Survivor mentality: I may have been born with a tendency to be overweight, but I can make changes to get my health under control.

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• Victim mentality: I can’t stop eating my emotions because so and so invokes these feelings and makes me upset.
• Survivor mentality: No one controls my actions except for me. So and so may be unkind, but I am allowing myself to get upset and I am also choosing to eat.

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• Victim mentality: No one likes me as much as they like so and so. They never have and they never will.
• Survivor mentality: Even if people were cruel in the past, it doesn’t mean that everyone is that way or that it was my fault. If I try to be more friendly, people will probably respond—if they don’t, that’s their problem, not mine.

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• Victim mentality: Everyone else can eat whatever they want whenever they want. If I so much as look at a cookie, I will gain 10 lbs. It’s just not fair.
• Survivor mentality: Maybe it doesn’t seem fair, but this is the body I have been given and I will only live once. It’s not that I don’t get to eat delicious foods, it’s just that I have set goals that I want to meet and so I must practice moderation. I will be happier having met my goals. The sooner I accept the fact that this is just the way my metabolism is, the sooner I can take steps to move forward.

 

My examples are kind of “big” issues, but I think it’s easy to have the victim mentality in many shapes and forms. Throughout my journey with PPD, I have learned that my thoughts are incredibly impactful.

Just because we have a victim mentality right now does not mean that we can’t change the way that we think. It’s possible. It takes a lot of mindfulness to identify these thoughts and then change them—but it’s possible.

I can be a survivor and so can you.

 

Can you identify any ways that you have taken on the victim mentality? How can you change that into the survivor mentality?

I’m still here

Hello everyone!

It has been beautifully sunny outside but very windy and cold. I’m missing those warm days and being outside.

I have had kind of a rough week, but it’s starting to look up. I had a lot of anxiety on Sunday and of course that left me drained and for some reason I just couldn’t shake it. I felt exhausted and depressed Monday and Tuesday and I slept a lot—when baby took her naps, I napped too. Wednesday, I felt better in the morning but got tired very quickly by the afternoon and had to take a nap. I’m feeling a bit more energy today—so I’m hopeful I’ll feel like myself again soon.

Needless to say, when you nap all day you don’t get very many steps. But rest is what my body needs, so I’m listening and it really does help. It has meant not bingeing on chocolate instead, not getting super irritable and cranky, and less anxiety. They say there will be relapses to this PPD, so maybe that’s what has happened.

I am on track with my Weight Watchers points which makes me very happy. Tomorrow is weigh in day, so I’m anxious to see what the scale says! Either way, I am feeling smaller.

Baby girl caught a cold, so she hasn’t been feeling very well. It doesn’t stop her though—she’s still her energetic and playful self, but she just gets fussy pretty quickly. Not to mention, she’s starting to walk! This morning she took quite a few steps in a row…oh boy!

Meanwhile, she loves to unroll the toilet paper when I’m not looking. Someday she will learn to cover her tracks. Ha!

Never mind the torn up carpet, we had some issues with our old wash machine and had to tear it out and we’re planning on putting in new flooring—hubby just hasn’t had a chance to get to it! It looks horrible right now. Eek.

Did you see my post about the first online book club meeting? Be sure to let me know if you want to join! You will know you’re good to go when I add you to the Google Hangout. I’ve had a couple of Google+ adds, but I’m not sure if that means you want to join the book club or not, so please send me a message if you do!

Have a great day!

#Postpartumdepression Rearing its Ugly Head & Health Update

Postpartum Depression: A bit of a Relapse

On Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I kind of lost my energy streak. I felt exhausted and noticed my thinking start to revert back to my postpartum depression ways where I would be worrying about things that I didn’t need to worry about, even in the middle of the night. (we’re talking about things that happened in elementary school here…)

I ended up doing a lot of napping when baby napped, which is when I would normally use that time to get in some steps or do things around the house, etc. I took 2 hour naps all three days—I really seemed to need it!

Sunday was a big day for me and the first time in probably a month that I got out of the house to go to our church meeting. I was very anxious in the morning and even though I wanted to brave it without any help, I went ahead and took a fast-acting pill for anxiety. That seemed to kind of mute my anxiety a bit.

I made it through about 3/4 of the 2 hours and I started to feel completely exhausted. I had taken baby girl out and I was just pushing her around in the stroller a bit and trying to keep her quiet. My hubby and I have a system where he keeps his cell phone handy so if I need him I can text him—so I thought I would text him and maybe he could watch baby and I could sit and listen since I felt so worn out.

So he gladly came out and took care of baby and I went and sat down to listen. I sat there about 2 minutes before I just started crying. I think I was just holding it all in and when I had a moment to relax, it just all came out—all of the physical pressure I was feeling inside from the anxiety, all of the stress, etc. I quickly left the room before I started crying too much because I can’t seem to cry quietly and always end up snorting or something. lol

I found hubby and he comforted me and I told him I just had to go. I was done for. Completely drained and I couldn’t do it anymore. The thing is, I really don’t know exactly what triggers it. I think it’s definitely a social anxiety, but I didn’t have to interact with a single person. There’s something about being in the same room with a bunch of people that just completely overwhelms me and it doesn’t make any logical sense—it’s just the way my body is reacting. I had all of the symptoms: chest pain, tingly arms, feeling shaky (and physically shaking a little), etc. I thought I was done with all of that!!! Turns out, I had just been avoiding true social events that are my biggest triggers.

My sister pointed out that this is my only real “social” type activity and that’s why I am struggling with it so much. That does make sense and makes me feel a lot better. I want so much to be there and I know it’s not my faith that’s wavering at all. It just makes me sad that I’m going through this—but I’m not going to let it conquer me. I know that God understands and I am so thankful for that.

Weight Watchers & Steps Update

Needless to say, I didn’t meet my step goal any day this weekend. When I first began this journey again, I told myself that I would be having these days and that when I did—I needed to rest and be ok with that. It’s easy to want to throw in the towel when you don’t meet your goals, but I think it’s important that I cut myself some slack and understand that what my mind & body needed was to rest. So It’s all ok and I am not a failure.

Not all of my steps were counted because I didn’t have a pocket when I was pushing the stroller on Sunday—bummer!

I am proud of myself on the eating front. I did very well. I really, really, really wanted to eat a bunch of chocolate to try to make myself feel better (emotional eating). BUT, I didn’t. I had a single serving of chocolate and that was it. No going crazy. I realized I was tired and worn out, so I slept instead of bingeing on chocolate. That’s a NSV for sure.

However, since we had dinner at hubby’s parent’s house, I did end up using some weeklies. I’m ok with that. It was a delicious meal and I enjoyed all of it.

Ultimately, I feel like I’m still on track and going strong! I am feeling much better this morning. The weather is beautiful and I can’t wait to get outside to go for a walk and to push baby girl in her new swing.

How was your weekend?