It's My Life

Another thing that my therapist told me has stuck with me and is influencing my thoughts in a good way. I hadn't realized it prior to our conversation, but I very much rely on the approval of others. In other words, I'm a people pleaser.

That doesn't mean that I always do what other people want me to, but I will very likely worry about what the other people think of me--to the point where I question myself and my decisions. It becomes a little obsessive as I ruminate over whether or not I'm doing the right thing. 

Sometimes I want someone else to make the choices for me so that I don't have to. Or I'll ask someone's opinion but then get upset when they don't agree with me, because what I was really looking for was validation that my opinion was correct. I don't like the idea of not having approval--for whatever reason!

"You're in charge of your own life."

That sentence opened my eyes to my behavior. I'm in charge of my own life. I can do what I want, make the decisions that I want, and even if others disagree with me--it ultimately doesn't matter. It's my life. (of course I mean that with all respect to my husband because in some areas it's our life)

It has changed the way I think. I recently had a conversation in which I could tell that the other person didn't agree with something I was doing. In the past, that would have really bothered me and I would have had a pity party knowing that I wasn't getting their approval. But you know what? It didn't bother me one bit this time... because it's my life.

The only approval I need is God's. 

Why has it taken me 30 years to realize my behaviors? I have no idea. But I'm glad that I did.

Yep, this song came to mind!

Journaling

At my last appointment, my therapist recommended a new kind of journaling. She gave me these instructions. I finally had time to sit down and do this and I think it’s a great activity.

Writing has always been a great outlet for me. I haven’t been sitting down to write as much lately and I really need to start again. Tonight was beneficial in turning my thoughts around.

Basically, you pick an emotion that you’re feeling today. The instructions above give you a series of questions to write about which help you think through your emotion and make sense of it.

Today, I felt ashamed. I am ashamed of myself for many reasons—the top reason being how overweight I am. I wrote about these reasons.

By the end of the activity, I realized that while I may have imperfections and struggles—I have many positive attributes too. It comes down to what I’m focusing on.

It’s time to stop focusing on the negative and begin focusing on the positive!

Binge Eating Disorder: Uncomfortable with Emotions

I had another therapy appointment this week. I journaled my food and my feelings for two weeks to try to figure out what my “triggers” for emotional/binge eating are. It was insightful.

But when I told my therapist about how each time I was unable to control my urges to eat, it had been preceded by some kind of

“feeling”, she then asked what feelings I was having.

And then I was stumped. Sometimes I didn’t really know what I was feeling, but it was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it. So while I might have felt stressed or anxious, those are umbrellas of feelings which include numerous other feelings and emotions. They’re very broad terms.

I felt kind of silly when she then handed me a paper with various facial expressions and the name of the emotion listed below each picture. She asked me which emotions I felt comfortable feeling. To my surprise, there were very few which I felt comfortable with—they were all of the more positive emotions.

A few that stuck out to me as being the most uncomfortable were anger, frustration, guilty, ashamed, overwhelmed, nervous, and shy.

And then she began explaining a concept called Emotional Intelligence. We measure how much we know by IQ, and similarly we can measure our emotional intelligence (EQ). It is something that is often overlooked but is extremely important.

Whether we know it or not, we have been conditioned to accept some emotions as acceptable, “good” emotions and others as “bad”. We all know someone stoic, who seems to be without emotion—and often it seems to run in families.

Believe it or not, being “stoic” (often wrongfully thought of as “strong”) is actually very unhealthy and can manifest in health problems. It is a good thing to be able to have emotions, to recognize the emotions, and then process the emotions. This is called Emotional Intelligence.

I feel like I have a pretty high EQ, but on the same note I struggle with my own emotions. I am aware of the feelings of others and can identify their emotions. Sometimes I think people like myself are too in tune with the emotions of others that it can have a dramatic affect on us. You could call it emotional sensitivity—it’s a great attribute to have because it makes us considerate of others, but it can also be a nightmare because we essentially “feel” too much.

But here’s the kicker, while maybe I have a high EQ—I am not comfortable with certain emotions. And so, in an effort to avoid feeling the emotions, I stuff them inside. I do anything to avoid “feeling”. As my therapist said, I “self-harm” by certain behaviors including binge eating. This causes me to zone out because, in some odd way, these self-harming behaviors are comforting to me. Of course, this makes me feel ashamed.

It makes perfect sense.

For example, the other night after a stressful “event” I thought I was hungry. So I grabbed a bowl, Cheerios, milk, and some fresh fruit. When hubby saw me, he asked “are you hungry or are you eating for an emotional reason?”.

I realized I wasn’t physically hungry. And so, one by one, I put each item away. I left the kitchen and I began to feel emotions come over me like a huge wave. I didn’t like it—it made me very uncomfortable. And so, I distracted myself by doing something else. I never truly felt the emotions, but at least I didn’t eat.

This is a pattern that happens over and over again. I know without a doubt that this is why I’m overweight.

My official diagnosis is a moderate Binge Eating Disorder. I have been listening to podcasts about eating disorders in general and the psychological similarities between Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating are incredible. However, Binge Eating Disorder is not commonly talked about as being in the same camp.

For me, treatment means identifying the psychological reasons that I want to compulsively eat. I am learning more about myself the more that I pay attention. There are definite patterns.

After that last appointment, I felt hopeful about overcoming this. I am also beginning to understand that the struggle will never “go away”, but I can learn how to cope with my emotions better.

My New Plan Unveiled

I’ve decided to go ahead and tell you what the new program is that I’ve been so secretive about while I tried it for a bit. I’m really happy with it. I have hope and motivation for the first time in…I don’t even know when. But I want to do a little explaining first.

You’ve been along this journey with me and you know all of the struggles I’ve been having. It has done a number on my self-confidence and I have felt pretty hopeless.

For a little recap, I lost almost 90 lbs. on Weight Watchers, gained it back and more by the time I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression when the little one was 10 months old and have been struggling prior to that and after that.

Over the years, I have counted calories, tried clean eating, followed Trim Healthy Mama, Weight Watchers numerous times, Advocare, the Atkins Diet, South Beach Diet, and Metabolife. I have been dieting since I was in elementary school.

Most of these methods afforded me weight loss at some point—some more than others, but I never got to my goal on any of the programs. My previous endeavor at Weight Watchers was the time that I thought it would all “stick” and that I had truly changed my habits.

Unfortunately, I was wrong and as soon as I had high levels of stress in my life all of the weight came back on and I reverted back to my old habits—ones I’ve had since I’ve been a child. I had not “cured” myself, I was simply taking care of the side effects of my real issue by losing weight. All along I struggled with emotional eating.

 

My new plan has two parts that will complement each other.

Part One: The Plan

I heard about it a year and a half ago and brushed it off, not believing the rave reviews from friends—but I stayed a part of the Facebook group. Here we are a year and a half later and these ladies are still raving about it.

Last Friday, after not being able to get myself back on track (yet again)—I decided what I was doing was insane.

Trying to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results is insanity. And at that very moment I decided to join and stop WW for a while—I have since canceled WW.

I’m not saying WW doesn’t work or isn’t a good plan—I think it’s definitely a good plan and works for many, many people. However, I have also finally accepted that there is no “one size fits all” plan when it comes to weight loss and learning how to maintain weight.

That being said, I am trying something completely different and something that I would have (and did) scoff at in the past.

But it’s time to try something new and I won’t know the outcome unless I try. We’ll call it another endeavor, another experiment to see if this new way will work for me. So please hear me out and understand my perspective.

The new plan that both hubby and I are following is called Isagenix. We ordered one 30-Day Cleansing and Fat Burning System with the intent of each of us trying it for 15 days to see what we think because I was skeptical and pretty jaded.

The first day went well for me but hubby came home with a horrific headache and was ready to quit. Apparently, that is very common as the body gets rid of toxins. He decided he’d try another day.

On Day 2, we both felt fantastic. It’s really hard to explain. Of course we felt lighter, but we also felt that grogginess lift and I definitely have experienced more mental clarity and less brain fog. Part of this system is supposed to combat stress and fatigue—something we all know that I need.

I even noticed my skin looking better.

Anyways, the system is all natural and organic. You drink 2 shakes per day, eat 2 snacks, and eat one balanced meal that’s 400-600 calories. One day per week you do a cleanse—not a colon cleanse.

At this point, you’re probably about ready to give me a lecture. I know, I get it. I really do. But I’m also feeling the need to try something new, have some success, and get my life back again…I just have to try.

You have to remember that while many people gain back the weight with programs like this, many people also gain back the weight with other programs and ways of eating, including WW. But there are also some people who follow a plan like this, completely change their lives and the weight never comes back on. There are success stories as well as failures in every plan.

This plan will be paired with exercise, of course.

Both hubby and I have lost about 8 lbs. in 4 days (Monday through Thursday). My clothes are definitely fitting better, I have much more energy, and we’re both sleeping better (our Fitbits prove it!).

My plan is to lose the weight, fix the issues, and maintain when the time comes. Isagenix does have a plan for maintenance too. I have a lot of support from my family.

The next part should make you feel better if you are skeptical.

 

Part Two: Therapy

Today was my first session with a new therapist. At my Doctor’s Appointment, I asked to be referred to a therapist who specialized in disordered eating and my doctor promised to research and find the best one for me. And she did!

I absolutely love this therapist. She is so kind and understanding. She used to be a Stay at Home Mom and totally understands what that’s like. I just feel like I formed a better connection with her.

This session was more of a “get to know me” session. She summarized that she thought we needed to work on my “all or nothing” mentality, my perfectionism, low self-confidence, handling stress, and developing a support system that is here in Iowa. She recommended joining MOPS.

She told me to keep writing about what I’m going through and feeling—so you’re still on the hook for reading about my issues!

I don’t get to go back for about a month because of the holiday, etc. I have a homework assignment to come up with a list of things that I want more of and things I want less of. I love that I have an assignment because it makes me feel like I’m thoughtfully and intentionally working to better myself.

She saw that I was just “done” and willing to do whatever it takes to fix the mental issues so that I can finally lose the weight for good. I really feel like that’s the place where I’m at. I have just felt so hopeless and hit rock bottom this past year. I used to be too afraid to go to therapy for this, but I am finally ready.

 

So there you have it! This is what I’m doing and I’m glad I told you so I can start telling you all of the details along this new direction in my journey!

 

I ask that you please be kind in the comments. Please understand where I’m coming from and I also ask that you please be respectful. Your support would mean the world to me. Thanks!

4 Postpartum Depression & Anxiety Triggers from Personal Experience

Having safely made it to the other side of postpartum depression, I’ve come to recognize some of the things that trigger symptoms of anxiety—thanks to therapy. Anxiety is closely related with depression and they often go hand in hand.

When something triggers these feelings, I have to quickly take control of my thoughts and focus intently on thinking positively. It is very easy to let anxiety and negative thoughts take control and send me into a downward spiral towards panic or deep depression.

I’m sharing these four triggers with you for a few of reasons. 1) I’m hoping that if you are a mother going through the horrors of postpartum depression that this will assure you that you’re not alone in this, 2) to make everyone aware, mindful, and sensitive of what things may trigger symptoms in mothers with postpartum depression, 3) to continue chronicling my personal journey through this mental illness.

 

Negative Judgment

More specifically, negative judgment about my ability and choices as a mother. This is by far my number one trigger and is one thing that can very quickly send me spiraling out of control.

Examples are: breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, homemade baby food vs. store bought food, the vaccination debate, snack choices for the little one, attire, car seat choices, and just simply mothering, in general.

Do these sound like normal topics that might cause any mother some anxiety? Probably. The difference is that for a mother with postpartum depression, these negative judgments are a reflection on her ability as a mother—whether they are true or not.

So what may be a difference in opinion becomes thoughts such as the following:

I do not know how to make the right choices. I am a terrible mother. I’ll always be a terrible mother. I probably wasn’t cut out to be a mother even though I want to be a good mother so badly. I’m so sorry that my baby has to have a terrible mother like me. My husband deserves better. I’m a terrible human being. I wish I didn’t exist.

At this point in my recovery process, I recognize that sometimes the judgment is intentional and sometimes I feel judged based upon my own insecurities and I simply perceive being judged when that’s not always the case.

 

Sights, Sounds & Smells

This one is coming from my perspective as a mother of an almost one and a half year old. I’ve been through the worst of this illness and these signs seem to linger in my memories.

Whenever I hear the music that’s played on the bouncy seat that my daughter sat in while I prepared dinner, or some other task that required two hands, I still feel a sense of panic. The same thing is true for classical music (which was the only thing that would content her in the car), a newborn’s cries, the sound machine through the baby monitor, and even recently I felt a sense of panic arise when I heard a baby’s heartbeat on an ultrasound—which makes me realize how much anxiety I had even before I gave birth.

Whenever I wash my hands at a doctor’s office, the smell of the soap brings back feelings of anxiety from being at the hospital, having a newborn baby to care for who was also choking on fluid that she kept coughing up and no one knew why, and the panic I felt when they took her from me to pump her stomach and told me I wouldn’t want to be there while they performed this procedure. A simple smell brings those feelings rushing back. This is true for that general smell of a doctor’s office.

I recently had an appointment in the same building where I gave birth. When I pulled into the parking garage, walked through the entrance, and even rode in the elevator I felt a sense of panic. If I see a picture of myself from when my daughter was a newborn, I immediately feel like I did at the time—overwhelmed and anxious.

Triggers involving the senses tend to sneak up on me. I can be grocery shopping and hear a baby cry from a few aisles down and my heart begins to pound. I can simply see a new mother with her baby and my body goes tense. I was recently packing up nursing supplies for storage and I felt the smooth coldness of a nipple shield and I began to feel like I could cry—a reminder of the struggles baby and I had nursing. These little things that come up suddenly still make me suck in my breath in panic.

 

Crowds of People

This probably has a lot to do with my social anxiety, but being in a room with a lot of people while taking care of my daughter can be a huge stressor. This has a lot to do with perceived judgment from others.

Sometimes I feel like I can hardly breathe when the attention of everyone in the room is turned towards me and the baby. A lingering stare upsets me the most, especially when baby girl is “acting out” as any child her age would.

 

Unsolicited Advice

This is another big trigger for me. I take it very personally and it really doesn’t matter who the advice is coming from—it could be from a complete stranger.

When I am doing my best and someone gives me unsolicited advice, I begin to doubt myself as a mother and my ability, similar to what I described earlier in the judgment section.

Everyone has an opinion on the way parenting should be done and everyone thinks that their way is the right one. There are a lot of things that just really don’t matter all that much and giving advice is completely unnecessary. If I were doing something that affected the wellbeing of my child—then the unsolicited advice would be appreciated.

For example, we have someone in our lives who routinely tells us how we should be dressing our daughter for the weather. It irritates me every single time. I care about my daughter’s well being and have dressed her in a way that I feel is appropriate for the weather. When this person tells me otherwise, I feel judged as a parent and it can be very easy to go down the path of self-depreciation.

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One of the most helpful things that you can do for a mother with postpartum depression is to simply encourage her. Reassure her. Tell her she’s doing wonderful. Tell her she’s a good mother, which more than likely she is or she wouldn’t be worrying so much about what type of mother she is.

Therapy was essential to my recovery and I highly recommend it. I have the skills that I need to overcome the obstacles that sometimes arise, instead of falling deep into depression. The mind is a powerful thing—it’s like a muscle that must be routinely strengthened by thinking positive thoughts.

 

What is a trigger for you? Can you relate to any of the ones I’ve listed here?

Through New Eyes

A friend of mine recently received an apology from a guy who bullied her in middle school about 16 years ago. She never forgot his hurtful words and the pain that they caused her, and apparently neither had he.

I’ve received an apology from a girl who bullied me in middle school too and it brought closure to the experience for me and for her. Unfortunately, receiving an apology about something that happened during childhood, over a decade ago, is rare.

Life goes on and you learn to live with the pain—but it changes you in ways that you don’t even realize until years later when it all comes crashing down and you find yourself in therapy, sobbing about something that little Jimmy said to you when you were twelve.

Words have that kind of impact.

I have always felt unwanted, like I’m a nuisance to everyone I know and everyone is just putting up with me because they have to. I am skeptical of anyone who tries to get to know me better and I always assume that they have cruel intentions. I’ve destroyed friendships this way without even knowing what I was doing.

A while back, my therapist and I were discussing why I felt like everyone was constantly judging me. It’s hard to find the answers and maybe we don’t always have to know the answers—just as long as we realize that what we believe as a result of the cruel words of others isn’t necessarily true.

But I did figure out why I feel the way that I do, the way that I am successfully working on changing. There were a few different instances throughout my childhood, but one stands out in particular.

I specifically remember a time as a child when someone said to me, “Alissa, you know that nobody likes you, right? We all just put up with you because we have to.”

That statement shattered my heart. I remember it so clearly. I remember where I was, what the room looked like, what the other child looked like, how I had been so happy and excited until those words were said and it all came crashing down, and I also remember receiving a forced apology at the insistence of an adult.

I’ve been living with that for  years—subconsciously believing that everyone around me has been just putting up with me. That nobody really likes me, that the moment I feel comfortable in any relationship, the other person will drop a bomb and tell me none of it is real.

And that did happen a time or two, so is life. But I believe this has been a pattern that I have played out for years and years.

I don’t have any of the friendships from childhood because I believed my friends had ulterior motives and so I shoved them all away to protect myself. I still have trouble making friends because I don’t trust the motives of pretty much anyone.

Somehow, by some miracle, I met, trusted, and married my husband. I am comfortable in our relationship and I love him more than ever, but I even questioned his love for me.

In another therapy session, we discussed how I feel like my husband and baby girl deserve someone so much better than me. Since hubby went with me to the first few sessions when I was first diagnosed with postpartum depression, the therapist has seen the two of us together and hubby even talked in the therapy sessions when asked to, otherwise he was just there at my request for support.

My therapist asked me, “Don’t you see how much he loves you? It’s written all over his face. He simply adores you. You just have to believe it. Love like that is hard to find.”

It didn’t happen immediately, but after a while I could finally believe. He simply loves me for me. There are no ulterior motives. He doesn’t have to put up with me. He chose, and chooses, to spend the rest of his life with me.

When I think back to the cruel words from childhood, I’m still seeing the situation through the eyes of my child self. But now I have the wisdom to know differently, so I have to take another look at the experience with the wisdom of an adult—and that changes things.

I don’t know how long it will take to undo all the damage that was caused by the cruel words of another child, and I’m sure it won’t be over night. But at least now I’m cognizant of this “belief” that I’ve held for so long and when I find myself trying to sabotage another relationship in my life, I can stop myself before it’s too late.

Chemical imbalance?

I feel like a blog slacker right now because I can’t think of anything exciting that I want to post about! So I’ll just be blogging random things again today and updating you on my journey in general.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my therapist. It wasn’t really like a therapy session because she was trying to figure out why I have these quick changes from feeling great to depression. She asked me questions to determine if I’m bipolar, she said it doesn’t sound like I am…and I don’t think I am either. She came to the conclusion that what I am describing is definitely chemically related and that it’s possible that my birth control pills could be affecting it all too, especially because I had some issues with them in the past when I was switched to a generic version.

She believes that my PPD is in remission now and that I have always had anxiety and the PPD and stress of motherhood has caused my anxiety to become severe. Because of my anxiety, I experience relapses of depression that can last a short while or a few weeks. That makes sense to me.

She told me to see an OBGYN as soon as possible to get this all figured out. She said to tell them what was going on and that they would fit me in ASAP. Well, I called to schedule an appointment and it didn’t sound like they were trying to fit me in because the earliest they would see me is October 1st. Bummer. So I guess I’ll keep at this for another month unless my psychiatrist has some insight into this when I see her next week.

My therapist told me to keep reaching out for help and that we would get this all figured out. I sure hope so. I am feeling discouraged, like I am stuck with this version of myself forever.

I have been consulting Dr. Google and have determined that I have a horrible disease. HA—but really, I wonder if I have too much cortisol (stress hormone). I even read somewhere that the buzzing sensation that I describe when I am feeling especially anxious could be caused by cortisol. Not to sound crazy, but sometimes my legs or arms jolt—which I read is another symptom. The symptoms all align, but I am no doctor and neither is Google.

I just really, really, really want this to all be over and to go about my life as “me” again.

In other news, it is super-duper hot today. I took the little one outside to let her play in the sprinkler. Of course she loved it!

That child is going to be the death of me. I was trying to get the sprinkler set up and she’s running away so fast that her shoes literally fell off her feet and it didn’t stop her one bit! So I have to chase after her and then I almost fall down a million times and trip over my flip flops.

I finally got it all set up and she played in it for about 5 minutes…ha.

Also, last night when I was giving her a bath, I put a little bath foam letter in my mouth and blew it out really fast. She thought it was the funniest thing ever and laughed so hard. I’ve never seen her laugh so hard. I caught a video of it and oh my goodness it’s infectious!!

I guess that’s all I have to share for now!

A History of Emotional Eating, Introspection, and Journaling

As a start to my therapy to find out why I struggle so much with emotional eating, I have been journaling when I eat and I know I’m eating for emotional reasons and not because I’m actually hungry.

I am ok with eating when I’m just enjoying a moment where food is involved—like enjoying a s’more or a delicious meal with family. I know that these occasional indulgences are not the root of my problem—it’s the overeating, or perhaps the bingeing, that I do in response to emotions.

Journaling has been eye opening. If you’re a long time reader, you know that I used to journal my food every day via pictures here on my blog. I would talk about a lot of things that happened throughout my day and how I was feeling. But the type of journaling that I’m doing now is much different and it is helping me become aware of what it feels like when I want to eat/binge on chocolate. Chocolate seems to be my drug of choice.

Here is how I was feeling before I decided to eat whatever food I was eating for emotional reasons within the past week:

emotionally drained, tired, overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, hormonal, anxious, frustrated, stressed, and feeling judged.

Now that I’ve been paying attention, I can literally feel it coming on. My entire body becomes tense, I feel tired, and the only thing I can think about is getting that sugar fix. Literally, I cannot get it off of my mind. And sometimes I feel better after eating something, but most of the time I don’t and it leads to a downward spiral.

This is certainly not something new and sugar/chocolate has not always been my fix. I can actually pinpoint exactly when chocolate became my drug of choice.

It began when I was 18 years old and was working a summer in Branson, MO and living with my aunt and uncle. I was working my first job. I was trying to come out of my shell and make friends, etc. It was so incredibly stressful for me, which now I understand is simply because I am an introvert (for the most part). I would have been better suited finding friends who enjoyed talking about literature and current events—but those are hard to find and I didn’t know at that time really who I was.

One day after work, I sat in the living room and I started eating Cadbury fruit and nut bites. Of course, I thought they were kind of healthy because they had fruit and nuts—ha. My aunt came home (she also has weight issues), and saw my pile of wrappers on the end table and asked me if I had eaten all of them.

I was shocked when I looked over and saw how many I had eaten. Probably 15 pieces or so. It was completely mindless. Maybe that’s why I felt like I needed it—it was like an escape from everything I was feeling. All I had to focus on was the rich, creamy chocolate melting in my mouth and sending my endorphins into overdrive. In those moments I felt better.

I remember shrugging it off and telling my aunt that it wasn’t a big deal. I believe she warned me about diabetes, something that she suffers from. But her attitude was judgmental and it hurt. I felt so much shame. After that, I would use one wrapper and crumple up the wrappers into little pieces and stick them inside the one wrapper so no one could see how many pieces I had actually eaten if they happened to see wrappers in the trash can. Now I see how that is disordered eating and probably considered bingeing.

Prior to those days, my drug of choice was anything that was junk food.

Middle school was incredibly stressful for me. Now I know that I have probably suffered from anxiety pretty much my entire life, but I didn’t know that then. Other kids made fun of me because I was larger than they were. I was awkward in my gym uniform and even less coordinated in sports. I hated changing clothes in the locker room. I hated putting on my swimsuit on my overweight body and having to swim with my entire class while we were in our swimming unit of the curriculum. I hated the laughs as the water splashed when I was required to jump off of the diving board. I was bullied by teachers. I could hardly fit in the small desks. I was painfully shy and would lose all train of thought if called upon in class, making me look like an idiot.

That’s a lot for a 13 year old.

I wouldn’t eat lunch at school because I was too embarrassed to eat in front of people. This meant I would be starving after school and usually have a headache. I would go home and eat anything I could find that wasn’t healthy.

I specifically remember a time when we had a guest at our house. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating and reading the comics from the newspaper—I yearned for this moment every day. I was eating an entire can of vegetable soup and eating bbq chips straight out of the bag.

I kept eating, and eating, and eating.

This guest took the bag of chips and closed it and put a clip on it, saying I had probably eaten enough. This made me angry and embarrassed. I reopened the bag and continued to eat them because well, she wasn’t the boss of me. But now I can see that she saw something that I was not able to see—disordered eating. I don’t know if she judged me for just eating too much, or if she really saw that I was eating for the wrong reasons. I don’t know. But I do know that it hurt. And I continued to feel ashamed.

These habits have never left me. When the going gets tough, I reach for food. When the mountain gets too steep, I stuff chocolate in my mouth. When I am sad, anxious, angry, stressed, or tired—I turn to food.

I have not talked about these events since the day they happened. I am doing a lot of introspection and am finally seeing the error of my ways and I want to change. Right now, I am just tracking what I am doing without really working through stopping myself quite yet. I want to figure out what’s triggering the eating first. I do use some self-control here and there, so it’s not like it’s a free for all. But I know my signs and I know when I’m eating for the wrong reasons.

I’m not quite sure what the overall point of this post is, other than to just express and admit some of my issues with emotional eating. There are so many emotions attached to food and it’s unhealthy for me. I hope that somehow I can get to the bottom of this and learn how to cope in a healthier way.

 

Can you relate to my eating issues? What has been your experience?

My Journey: Therapy for my Emotional Eating Habit

A few years ago, the thought of talking to someone about my emotional eating tendencies would have scared me enough that I would have never considered it. And I never did, until now.

I hit rock bottom this year, thanks to postpartum depression. Because of that, I was more than willing to go to therapy to work through my emotions and learn the coping skills that I so desperately needed to simply function and overcome the anxiety that I had developed. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still haven’t completely recovered. It’s a process that takes time and a lot of work.

I had a therapy session yesterday where we talked about how I feel like my hubby and baby girl deserve someone much better than me. It was the hardest session that I’ve had yet and it made me realize how deeply I have shoved my emotions into my heart.

We focused on how I feel like my hubby deserves a woman who has it more together. Someone who doesn’t have all of my issues. Someone who is fit, thin, and beautiful. Someone the opposite of me. And once again, it all came down to  poor body image, intense feelings of shame & guilt, and not loving & accepting myself.

We talked about my pregnancy and how I never really got to enjoy it because I was always worried about my weight and felt like I was ugly & huge. I never got to experience really having a “baby bump” because I already had a plump figure. No one could even tell that I was pregnant—it just looked like I was getting fatter and fatter.

I told her about something my doctor did to me in the last few weeks of pregnancy and the emotions and shame swept over me like it had just happened again. I sobbed. My heart is still broken over that and I never took the time to heal and come to terms with the experience, which is why I still feel the pain of it so strongly. I feel like it is finally time to blog about that experience so that I can finally heal. I’ll share that when I have the time & gain the courage.

It all came down to my weight, my negative body image, and my negative self image—once again. And I believe that may be the root of my problem. I don’t love myself. I absolutely hate myself. That didn’t just happen over night but it has been a lifelong accumulation of negative self talk, and believing what any person said about me like it was the gospel truth. It’s because of a lack of confidence. It’s a feeling of unworthiness.

My therapist seems fairly religious and I am thankful for that because she brings insight into how God might view my situation. Her thoughts cause me to think differently about my experiences and it helps to spin a more positive light on my situation.

My biggest take away from this appointment was that God created me and He knows that I am not perfect and that I will never be perfect. But if I am living my life trying to become what would please God, then that is enough. He loves me, despite the fact that I am imperfect.

Maybe I don’t have the perfect body and I struggle with my weight. Maybe I have postpartum depression. Maybe I am not perfect. But because of these physical & emotional imperfections, great things have been done in my heart.

If was had been born with a perfect body and no eating issues, I would never have been able to understand what it’s like to be bullied & belittled and maybe I would never have had the empathy that I have now. I never would have needed this blog as an outlet. Perhaps the entire course of my life would have changed, and quite honestly—I have a pretty good life the way it is.

Life may have been a lot less complicated and easier if I had not been predisposed to postpartum depression. But if it had never happened, the restoration that is occurring in my heart and soul would never have happened. Once again, it has helped me to have empathy and compassion for others.  It has caused me to seek out God more earnestly. The experience has improved my marriage and brought us even closer together. And it is because of this experience that I am even beginning this journey of therapy to address the issues that have lead to my weight problem.

How can I have shame about my perceived imperfections when these are the very tools which have molded me into who I am?

How can I expect to attain perfection when God has created me knowing that I will be imperfect, and yet loves me anyway?

These questions are like the effect of the warmth of the rising sun on a densely foggy morning—they dissipate the fears and bring clarity to the distant horizon. It’s a start. I can see my goal, but the road to get there is still long and winding.

My mission for the next couple of weeks is to begin to track my emotions when I “go off track” or when I am eating for reasons other than hunger. I stopped at Target and bought a little notebook that I will keep in my purse. And wouldn’t you know that my first entry is: ate a chocolate chip cookie from Starbucks because I was emotionally drained after therapy.

It is amazing how physically draining emotions can be. After the appointment, I never did get my energy back. I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. I feel better after a good night’s sleep.

This was my first therapy session where we discussed how I need help with the psychological reasons of why I am overweight. She told me this is something that we can work on. And that gives me hope. By journaling, she believes this will bring insight into why I am overeating, etc. and then we can go from there.

And so this is only the beginning.

Chocolate Covered Emotions

“Life is like a box of chocolates,

you never know what you’re gonna get.”

-Forrest Gump

I have been trying to create the right mindset for this journey because I think it is essential for lasting results. This takes a lot of emotional work and I feel like I am ready to do this—simply because I hit absolutely rock bottom and I want nothing more than to climb out of the pit and to soar far above it.

I firmly believe that those of us who are severely overweight are so because of underlying emotional issues and not because we just love food so much that we can’t stop eating. Food is our drug. It helps us escape. We eat to try to fulfill a need that is not being met and, for me, I believe that it’s because of the way that I think—my mindset.

I live in a constant state of guilt, shame, anxiety, and self-criticism. I take everything quite personally and I feel very much. I don’t know that this is necessarily a bad trait because I think that analytical thinking and introspection are good things—they make me who I am. But I need to learn to harness that way of thinking so that it doesn’t lead to self-destruction.

My therapist taught me a skill that I have found very useful in making peace with things that have happened in my past that my mind wants to frequently remind me of and make me feel hurt and ashamed. This same skill can be used for current situations and the more I practice it, the better I will become at it.

For example, I had a teacher in middle school who basically bullied me. As a 13 year old, I didn’t understand that what he did was absolutely unacceptable but instead I took on shame and embarrassment. I am going to save the specifics of this for another post, but I will share how I have learned to start to heal from this experience.

1. How did it make me feel? I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and it made me hate myself.
2. What is the logic? I was just a child and so I thought like a child. This was not my fault. Apparently, this teacher had issues of his own which he took out on me.
3. What is the lesson? We all have luggage and we carry around our pain. However, taking it out on other people is wrong. It’s even more wrong to be in a leadership role as an adult and to belittle those under our leadership or power—especially a child. It’s never ok to belittle another to try to fit in with the “cool kids”. Always respect the feelings of another.

When I analyze my thoughts and my mindset, I can change the way that I think about the situation and this brings me peace. I am carrying around memories of a 13 year old girl, but if I can think about those memories as the 29 year old woman that I am—I can bring wisdom to these memories and instead of guilt, I have more wisdom about life. Instead of shame, I can be thankful for the fact that I survived the experience and proud because I learned from it and even though it was painful, it has played a small part of who I am today.

My goal is to apply these three questions to whatever experience is causing me to want to eat. The overall logic of every situation that pushes me to emotional eating is that eating is not going to fix the emotional problem but it will probably make me feel worse. Essentially, I have to process what I am feeling instead of stuffing it inside and trying to cover it with chocolate.

No more chocolate covered emotions. Instead, I will refine the emotion until I can make a pure nugget of wisdom, the fruit of life.

Struggling in a big way—a novel of a post

Emotional eating has been the name of the game for the past few days. I haven’t been feeling like myself and I’m hoping it’s just hormones to blame.

I haven’t been able to stay away from chocolate—I’ve had some every day for probably the last week, but not in moderate portions the past few days. I’m not talking about crazy amounts, but just enough for me to realize that it’s emotional eating. I also ate two servings of ice cream yesterday for no particular reason other than I felt like it.

I am feeling stressed out (and don’t have a reason to be), anxious, and a little blue. I’ve had a couple of things happen this week that have added to my anxiety.

First, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. This is not like what you see in the movies. While she does have a couch, this isn’t therapy but it’s just about figuring out what cocktail of medication I need for the PPD recovery process.

So anyways, hubby was supposed to be able to watch baby girl while I had my appointment but he ended up not being able to make it. Since I had already canceled my appointment once, I decided I would take her with me since it’s usually a pretty quick in-and-out appointment.

I arrived and the small waiting room was filled with people. The receptionist was telling me that I owed money and if I didn’t pay it they were going to turn it over to collections. This was news to me because we have paid all bills we have received and I had no idea what she was talking about. However, the entire waiting room was our audience. That’s embarrassing—and not even accurate!

So I headed out to the small hallway to wait because there were just too many people in that small room for me to feel comfortable with. I let baby girl walk up and down the hallway, having to hold her hand most of the time because she wants to explore anything and everything she comes across, including trying to stick her fingers in electrical outlets. This child…lol.

And then this well-intentioned man came out of the waiting room to tell me that there were a couple of chairs available. So I felt like maybe I should go sit down since he was trying to be kind and I didn’t want to be rude. So I found a seat on the edge of the room. And then this lady gave baby girl her cell phone to play with. Whhatttt? Anyways, I didn’t want baby girl touching this thing for one thing but I also didn’t want her to break the phone! So I let her hold it for like a minute and then handed it back to the lady and said thank you.

In situations like these, I prefer to snuggle up inside my shell and not interact with anyone and just try to make it through. I know this sounds crazy but I guess it is how I have always coped. With baby girl, that is impossible. She likes to interact with anyone and everyone who will pay attention to her, including another baby in the room which she felt the need to yell across the room to. lol. She was waving at the receptionist and even wanted to walk through the room of people, probably to go make some new friends. She is a very friendly little girl, which I am proud of her for because it is not something I know how to do—but it’s also uncomfortable for me.

So we waited for 45 minutes PAST our appointment time. At that point I was about ready to leave. I was incredibly anxious and sweaty. Baby girl was about to lose it because it was passed her nap time and she was getting cranky and throwing everything I gave her to try to keep her entertained.

When the doctor finally called me in, her first question was that she noticed me waiting in the hallway and was I doing that because the room of people made me uncomfortable. She also proceeded to hand me a Kleenex because she saw me sweating. Oh my goodness—embarrassing, but it was anxiety related. So she saw my issues in person and told me she wanted to up one of my medicines if I was comfortable with it because she was confident it would help my social anxiety, but also told me to continue therapy to find ways to cope in these situations.

Meanwhile, baby girl wanted to run around her office and check everything out because that’s just her. I was trying to keep her close but the doctor said, just let her go—she’s fine. So she was going all over her office and trying to get in her papers, ripped a page in a children’s book, started to play with the mini-blind cords, and even went behind the doctor’s desk and right up to the doctor! So I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be worrying about what she was doing because the doctor told me not to, but I didn’t want her running around doing whatever so I was super nervous about that. The doctor didn’t care at all—but I was completely distracted and nervous. The doctor commented that baby girl is very inquisitive, happy, and active, which is a good thing, but keeps me on my toes—which she said was good for me because it will help me lose weight. lol…Anyways. She also told me my medication can also help me lose weight—so I will be pleasantly surprised if that does happen.

So by the time this appointment was done, I had given up any hope of going to Wal-Mart to look for a swim suit for my water aerobics class. I buckled baby girl into her car seat and then realized she had thrown her lovey blanket somewhere in the doctor’s office. There was no way I was going to try to live without that—so I unbuckled her and back into the office we went. Someone was talking to the receptionist, so we waited and waited. The receptionist quickly got the lovey and off we went….to Starbucks where I bought a nonfat caramel macchiato and a flourless chocolate cookie. Totally stress eating—and I would say that was the beginning. And then I got home and hubby told me he had to work late and I wouldn’t be able to make it to my first water aerobics class. I was disappointed and relieved all at the same time.

Now I know that I have written a novel, but I have more to say—lol.

Last night we had our bible study. Hubby had to work late again…but said he thought he could meet me there…and he did. As I’ve mentioned, I haven’t been feeling like myself and I need to learn that when I feel like that I should just stay home and “heal”, if you will. But I didn’t.

So there was a visiting couple there with a 6 month old. And this mom was completely relaxed and so was her baby. Just laying there and hardly making a peep. Baby girl has never acted like that in her life. So here she is chattering away and yelling and making her noises, throwing her toys, trying to climb all over me and hubby, and squirming to try to escape our arms so she can go climb the nearest steps (her latest obsession). She still takes a night time bottle and unfortunately I forgot it at home.

I saw this couple making sideways glances at us and at their parents. And I understand that I do not know what people are thinking but I think that I do…ha. So I was thinking that they were thinking (now that sounds crazy), “Wow, she is obnoxious…they really need to take her out. Why aren’t they taking her out…she’s distracting. We’re so much better parents than they are…just look, our precious baby is sitting so still and just staring at their wild child like he can’t believe his eyes. It’s probably because she’s formula fed”.

My thoughts get out of control. So hubby took baby girl out and I sat there and got very anxious to the point of tears, so I left the room and found hubby and cried. I told him I just couldn’t handle it and that I would take care of baby girl while he was in the bible study. He told me to take a Xanax, which I probably should have done before I got there.

While keeping baby entertained, she was starting to lose it. I tried to feed her Cheerios and she took a fistful and threw them all on the floor. She kept throwing her pacifier. I gave her a drink and she drank and drank and then started spitting water and she was soaking wet so I had to change her clothes.

Once the study was over, I rejoined the group and picked up all of the toys strewn all over. Finally baby girl could get down to walk around all she wanted to do was try to climb the stairs. So I stood up and held her. One man was joking with me and asked I was still having fun or if I was ready to give her away. I just laughed but I was thinking to myself, well actually I’m just now starting to have fun and unfortunately I never got to experience that before (a topic for another post). But I just smiled. And then another woman (a mother with older children) kind of sighed and said, “how are you?” and then said to baby girl “you are keeping your mama busy!”. And then I just started to lose it and started to cry so I said excuse me and went outside where I just started bawling. Thankfully, hubby had noticed and brought all of our stuff out and got us to the car and ready to leave.

It was just too much for me. And then I felt like I was back-tracking on the progress that I had made and I felt really disappointed. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just hormones or something.

I really feel like we have a unique child. I have a feeling that she is very smart (I know all parents probably think this…lol), and she is incredibly active and outgoing. The girl can whistle. If we sing the ABC’s, we sometimes catch her continuing the song, her “words” imitating the sounds of the letters. We get these little glimpses of what’s going on in her head and we are surprised! She definitely has a sense of humor.

I absolutely love her, but as her mother, I also understand her while people who are not around her everyday do not. So I’m afraid people might look on like, “what is up with her”, but they don’t really know her personality, etc. They don’t know that the only time she really acts out is when she is really tired, but otherwise she is a well behaved, sweet and funny little girl.

So while I wanted to begin the Couch to 5K this morning, I decided sleep was a better option for me at the moment. And I feel disappointed in myself for a variety of reasons. I’ve lost the energy that I had recently found. I have found myself wanting to curl up at home and not interact with anyone—except that we have company coming tomorrow night until Monday—whom I invited myself when I was feeling wonderful.

I actually called my husband last night and told him that I was too fat to leave the house…I know that sounds weird but it’s just my sense of humor and trying to express the way that I felt. I was sitting on the floor playing with baby girl and I saw myself in the mirror and I cannot believe how horrible I look. I am ginormous. I look like I sit around the house and eat Twinkies and entire pizzas by myself. I don’t do either, by the way, but no one else knows that—I just look like a woman who has absolutely no self control with food. And I probably am that woman.

I have been trying to tell myself that it’s OK that I am where I am. Most people do not know what I have been through in the last couple of years. They don’t know the battles that I have fought and that I am a SURVIVOR. A Warrior Mom. Even though right now, I feel like I have curled up inside my armor, laid down on the battle field clutching my sword with my shield resting over my body like a turtle shell.

I will get up again. The battle isn’t over yet.

Rocky Relationships: The Karpman Drama Triangle

I have been wanting to share the Karpman Drama Triangle with you all ever since my counselor introduced me to it. It has been especially helpful for me in dealing with certain rocky relationships in my life that have never gotten better despite the passing of years. I am not an expert on any of this, but I'm going to share what it means to me and how it has helped me.

Take a moment to review the triangle below.

(source)

There are three roles here, the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. As you can see, everyone ends up feeling like the victim in these relationships. It's unhealthy and full of drama, drama, drama.

I'm going to give an example of how this might play out and honestly this can play out in SO many ways and in pretty much every situation.

1. Baby cries and the mother begins to do what she believes her baby needs for soothing.
2. A rescuer offers unsolicited advice on what he/she thinks the mother should be doing.
3. The mother feels like a victim because she feels like the rescuer doesn't think that she knows how to comfort her own child. The mother feels sorry for herself because she has to deal with this type of behavior from the rescuer. 
4. The mother lashes out and snaps a  response, "I think I know how to care for my own child." In turn, the mother now switches from being the victim to being the persecutor.
5. The rescuer now takes on the role of the victim and begins to feel "poor me" type feelings.

In this situation, both people involved come away from the situation feeling hurt and resentful of the other person- like victims. Neither feels like he/she is guilty but places the blame on the other person. 

More than likely, the rescuer has been living out this type of behavior for a long time. They may often try to place guilt on others and are generally negative. And perhaps the victim has also taken on this role for far too long. Most importantly, someone needs to make a change to escape from this dramatic cycle.

This can be the hard part and takes humility. The person has to either value the relationship enough, or at least be tired of the negativity enough, to take a stand and make a change. For me, this has been about practicing the Golden Rule- do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and also about setting boundaries firmly but kindly.

Setting boundaries can be hard to do because we don't want to offend the other person. However, if we want the negative cycle to stop we have to put our foot down. The important thing is to be kind about it. So in the situation above, the mother could say, "I know you are very concerned because you love baby too, but I am going to try this method of comfort because I know that it works for baby". It is so easy to be snippy when someone annoys us, but if we practice the Golden Rule we can change the cycle.

I don't want to go into all of the specifics here, but doing this has definitely helped. It doesn't change the other person necessarily, but it does make me feel better about myself and how I'm acting. I am no longer the victim, rather I am a survivor. I don't feel guilty for my bad behavior.

My counselor told me something else that has helped me tremendously in many relationships. Sometimes we encounter people who are just odd, abrupt, rude, and unkind. Instead of feeling like a victim, I have to tell myself that "that's just them" and it is not my fault. I do not need to allow their actions or attitudes (what makes this person "just them") affect me and cause me to be the kind of person that I don't want to be. I am in control of me and I cannot control the actions of others and their actions are not my fault; however, my actions are my responsibility and I have the power to change negativity into positivity, even if the other person continues to be "just them". 

I'm not sure if all of this makes sense, but it definitely makes sense to me and has been incredibly helpful. 

Do you have a Survivor or Victim Mentality in Weight Loss and Life?

The concept of survivor vs. victim mentality was introduced to me in a counseling session, of which I have been going to for postpartum depression recovery. We were discussing a difficult relationship and her advice was invaluable to me—I do plan to blog about dealing with negative relationships soon, but what I find especially intriguing right now is applying this concept to weight loss.

I believe that I have taken on both the survivor and the victim mentality throughout the years. I remember the first time that I met my doctor and I was struggling to lose more weight, having already lost a significant amount, and she told me “you are NOT a failure”. I hadn’t mentioned anything about feeling like a failure, but somehow she had just the right words.

I remember coming home, getting on my recumbent bike and biking my heart out with tears streaming down my face.

I am NOT a failure. I, Alissa, am NOT a failure.

The thought was amazingly freeing and it was a huge turning point for me.

I finally realized that all of the heartbreak I had endured with various people (adults, coaches, and peers) telling me that who I was wasn’t good enough, skinny enough, fast enough, talented enough, pretty enough, outgoing enough—none of that was true.

These were no longer excuses for me to feel like a victim broken by life and like I didn’t measure up—instead, they were experiences that made me stronger, better, and kinder. I was a survivor of these experiences. It doesn’t mean that these experiences were not painful, that they weren’t wrong in so many ways, or that it was even a gift that I went through them. It simply meant that life threw cruelty in my face in so many ways and that I am still standing strong—better for it.

It took me a very long time to get to this place of acceptance and strength. And to this day, I can honestly say that I truly believe that the comments made about me and cruel actions towards me are not a reflection of myself, but a reflection of the inflictor. These were their issues, not mine. I am a survivor.

A SURVIVOR.

The word simply invokes strength out of what felt like weakness. It is a shift in mentality that I am finding is a key to happiness.

And so I have been thinking about ways in which I am taking on a victim role in regard to weight loss and my life in general. These are areas of my life that I need to take responsibility for and take action. That doesn’t mean that they are not valid, or that I am silly for feeling a certain way—it simply means that to move forward and to be a survivor, I have to take action. Nobody can do this for me except for me.

• Victim mentality: I have always felt like I received the short end of the stick in the genetics department. Somehow, I inherited the weight problem.
• Survivor mentality: I may have been born with a tendency to be overweight, but I can make changes to get my health under control.

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• Victim mentality: I can’t stop eating my emotions because so and so invokes these feelings and makes me upset.
• Survivor mentality: No one controls my actions except for me. So and so may be unkind, but I am allowing myself to get upset and I am also choosing to eat.

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• Victim mentality: No one likes me as much as they like so and so. They never have and they never will.
• Survivor mentality: Even if people were cruel in the past, it doesn’t mean that everyone is that way or that it was my fault. If I try to be more friendly, people will probably respond—if they don’t, that’s their problem, not mine.

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• Victim mentality: Everyone else can eat whatever they want whenever they want. If I so much as look at a cookie, I will gain 10 lbs. It’s just not fair.
• Survivor mentality: Maybe it doesn’t seem fair, but this is the body I have been given and I will only live once. It’s not that I don’t get to eat delicious foods, it’s just that I have set goals that I want to meet and so I must practice moderation. I will be happier having met my goals. The sooner I accept the fact that this is just the way my metabolism is, the sooner I can take steps to move forward.

 

My examples are kind of “big” issues, but I think it’s easy to have the victim mentality in many shapes and forms. Throughout my journey with PPD, I have learned that my thoughts are incredibly impactful.

Just because we have a victim mentality right now does not mean that we can’t change the way that we think. It’s possible. It takes a lot of mindfulness to identify these thoughts and then change them—but it’s possible.

I can be a survivor and so can you.

 

Can you identify any ways that you have taken on the victim mentality? How can you change that into the survivor mentality?