Getting Started Again

It's the beginning of a new year so that means it's time to set goals again. And, as always, losing weight is at the top of my list. It has to be because I weigh more than ever.

Why is it that every time you lose weight, if you gain it back you also gain back more? Sigh.

Anyways, it is what it is.

Over the last while of eating whatever I want, I have finally gotten over judging myself for every single bite of food I put into my mouth. I will call that progress, even if my weight has gone up.

Now is the tricky part, to begin nourishing my body without thinking of it as deprivation or as a diet. It's a mental thing.

I have been working on accepting myself as who I am. That I can be both overweight and accepted at the same time. That's hard! I'm trying to respect myself more, to just be me and be proud of it. I am learning to love myself for who I am instead of beating myself for who I wish I was. Does that make sense?

So yesterday was my first day. Actually, hubby and I are doing this together again. My plan is to drink my two shakes per day, 2-3 snacks per day, and one healthy meal. Yesterday I was really hungry at lunch, so I had a salad with my shake.

It's about nourishing my body, right? I mean seriously-- just because having a salad with my shake isn't on plan, should I really beat myself up for eating a SALAD? I think I should give myself a pat on the back for choosing something nourishing.

Yesterday wasn't perfect. It was hubby's last day of his vacation and that makes things a little different than when we're in our regular routines! Today should show a little more progress! Overall, I'm happy.

However, I made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning thinking that I surely shed a lot of weight. Only lost .1 lb. Yep, basically stayed the same. So I had to remind myself that I FEEL better. I feel smaller and lighter and that's what is important!

Are you starting again?

Weight, Body, and Food Obsessed

Thank you to everyone who either commented or contacted me personally to tell me that you could relate to my last post about body image. I really appreciate it. It inspires me to try to put words to the thoughts and emotions that I have regarding body image and so much more.

I am feeling a lot more optimistic now... but that could be because I haven't looked in a full length mirror! It is what it is, and I continue on trying to figure out what makes me get stuck in a cycle of losing weight and gaining it back.

I will never stop trying to figure it out.

Since starting the program that I'm doing currently, I have slowly felt a healthier relationship with food beginning to form. I am not dieting in any way. I am trying to listen to my body. I am not restricting or banning certain foods. There are no "good" foods and no "bad" foods-- only foods that make my body feel good and those which make my body feel bad.

Ultimately, I think our bodies know what they need. Somehow, our minds have become warped by the diet industry in general. We are lead to believe that our bodies don't know what they need and we must control what we eat in order to reach the weight we think we need to be.

I didn't realize how much I have relied on having rules by which to eat. By allowing every food, it inevitably has made me feel out of control and "bad", when in fact-- that's not the case. I just feel like I'm out of control because I am not following the rules of which I have set based on whatever the diet industry experts have told me.

I believe that it's possible to live in food freedom and that the body will find its natural weight. I also don't think it will happen quickly. But if you think about it, a cycle of losing weight and gaining it back again will occur for years on end-- and that's an even longer time!

A post has been brewing in my mind for quite a while now--but I have yet to put it into words. How did I develop an eating disorder? What are the habits which lead me there?

I know for a fact that I didn't have these issues, to the extent that I do now-- until I was well into my 20s. And I believe I have identified one of the things which lead me here. So stay tuned for that!

Ultimately, it is not about finding a diet that will work for me. If you struggle with your weight like I have over the years, I beg you to take a look at what binge eating disorder is. It may surprise you.

For some people, weight gain can be fixed simply by changing their eating habits for a period of time and they will never get to the point of obesity. But I do believe that some of us have deeper issues to identify than just needing to control calories or exercise more to try to force the body into submission. This is often a result of chronic dieting.

Is eating healthy food and exercising important? ABSOLUTELY.

But does it define whether you are a good or bad person? NO. If you're like me, you likely feel that what foods you're eating and what activities you are doing (or are not doing) define you as a person. You may feel that your self-worth is determined by the number on the scale. Thoughts of food and weight are all-consuming. You think about it constantly. And that's not normal.

This is all new to me-- I have learned so much in the last little while about myself, my habits, and my thoughts. It truly has been a journey... but I do feel that I am making forward progress.

Body Image: I'll remember not to look

My hopes were high as I began browsing the Plus Size section-- interestingly enough, it was the smallest section of the store. The variety was even smaller. I was left to choose between a ridiculous patterned tent-like shirt or a hideous body-hugging top which would show all of my fat rolls as well as how many I had eaten at dinner last night.

I grabbed a few of the less-ugly articles of clothing and headed for the fitting room. I saw myself in the mirror-- my shirt snug against my mid-section. How did I become so big again?

My eyes moved to my thighs. While they've always been large, they were always "firm"-- if that makes sense. This time, they looked lumpy, with purple veins spidering out across my legs like cracks in glass. My heart sunk-- a new level of self-hatred achieved. These things don't start to happen when you're only thirty years old.

One by one, I tried on each article of clothing. The top that I somewhat liked looked crooked across my body, and not because it was styled that way--it was simply cheaply made.

I wondered if whomever designed it, or sewed it, thought about the plus sized woman who might wear it one day. Was it an attempt to make a woman feel beautiful, or just another low-quality style that could be over-priced since plus size women have very few options when shopping for clothes?

And why do we even need mirrors? Couldn't we just imagine how we look based upon how we feel? At least then we wouldn't have to face the truth.

The times that I feel best about myself are the times when I don't think about my body or worry about my food choices. I'm able to live in the moment, enjoy a good conversation, savor a delicious bite of food-- to just be, with no judgement or rules.

The moment I look in the mirror and see the shape that is growing ever rounder, plumper, and fuller-- I begin to feel desperate, helpless, and afraid. Worst of all, I feel so much shame and self-hatred that I question whether I even deserve to have a body for my soul to dwell within.

I can't shake the image of my lumpy thighs. I find that I'm wearing a larger size than ever before. My mood grows darker. When I leave the fitting room, I can't even look people in the eye because I am so ashamed and confident that they are judging me by my size.

And the only thing that I have on my mind is how I will get some chocolate.

Logically, it doesn't make any sense-- but somehow, my emotions have taken over every part of my being. And it has been this way for a long time. My emotions take over and the only way I know how to deal with them is by food-- and that's not even effective in the long run.

Will there ever be a way out-- some chance of escape? Likely not.

I'm here in the only body that I will ever have-- fat, defeated, and fearful. I know that my body is trying to save me by causing these urges to eat. It's a way to cope. In times of restriction (dieting), my body has a primal urge to save myself because it thinks I'm starving. If I were starving, this would be a good thing, but I'm not-- far from it.

All that I want is freedom, but I feel imprisoned in my body and in my thoughts. I know that it's ridiculous and that I have so much to be grateful for. My body is just trying to save me even though I am destroying myself.

I understand that I am not a victim, but I don't understand how to truly take control. Maybe I try to have too much mental control over things that my body should be able to tell me naturally-- when I'm truly hungry, what I need to eat, etc.

For now, the next time I'm in front of a full-length mirror, I'll remember not to look at my thighs.

Self-Hatred & Eating Disorders

Do you know what it’s like to hate yourself? To feel trapped inside a body that feels out of control?

I don’t remember exactly when I started hating myself so much. It began in childhood. The self-hatred comes and goes in unrelenting phases directly corresponding to my weight or my perceived success to a weight loss or exercise regimen.

There is never a moment when I am not painfully aware of the fat which rests on my lap when I’m sitting, that widens my hips, that balloons my arms, and makes me feel like I make the earth shake with every step.

I avoid mirrors as much as possible. I don’t like to see the reality. It makes me hate myself more.

I know that my body will never be beautiful because it will always be scarred with stretch marks from my childhood days. I’m forever conscious of them, although I try to ignore them and feign confidence.

I try to stand tall and to at least appear to love myself, but the thoughts inside my head never stop. It’s my stomach, my arms, my legs, my face, my hair, my feet—the only part of me I don’t hate are my eyes.

I feel trapped, yet I’m holding the key in my hands. It seems that freedom is just a choice away, that it should be easy—it seems so straightforward. Yet it’s elusive. Sometimes I think I have both feet planted on freedom’s shore, only to find myself lost and shipwrecked on a solitary island—no sails to catch the wind, no vessel to float—nothing but me and my self-inflicted prison of fat.

I have learned that self-hatred is at the core of eating disorders. Some hate themselves so they restrict food, others binge on food and then purge, and then there are those of us who feel unable to stop overeating but don’t purge and rather build ever-growing walls of shame around ourselves.

Hate. Shame. Guilt. Despair.

Helpless. Worthless.

I am tempted to give up—to shove it all inside and continue to pretend that I’m ok, to stop going to therapy, and to resign myself to obesity. It would be so much easier. But I would only hate myself more.

It is hard to accept what I feel. It’s hard to identify what I feel. How can I be so disconnected from myself? It’s me after all— these are my own thoughts, coming from my own brain. Yet I don’t know myself at all. There’s an enemy residing inside my brain spewing negative thoughts.

Every negative emotion has been shoved deeper into my soul with every bite until my heart is like concrete. And then I hate myself more because of it.

Self-Love < Cookies

Hello everyone!

I had a relaxing weekend camping and napping. It was just what I needed and I’m feeling much better today. It was so hot and humid outside that we spent most of our time inside the camper with air conditioning, so I’m not sure you would actually call that camping…! ha

I packed a lot of healthy food for us this time and it definitely made me feel better! However, we went to Chili’s for a meal and I convinced myself to order a salad because it would be better for me but I didn’t look at the points until afterwards! It was 38 points. I just couldn’t believe it. So that pretty much did me in for my points. Lesson learned—look up the points prior to eating!

Anyways, I’m back to counting the points today and hopefully I can undo some of the damage before Friday! Overall, I’m proud of myself for the improvements for most of my food choices—but there’s still room for improvement!

I did a lot of thinking this weekend about my next step. Talking about all of this in therapy has me wondering if my core issue is that I do not respect or love myself enough. Hence, I sabotage myself and make poor choices over and over again.

I think that a great plan of action would be to consider the impact of my choices before making a choice. Instead of thinking “I hate my body. I need to lose weight and because of this I’m going to eat a salad for lunch even though what I really want is sugary cereal”, I will think “Because I love myself and care about my health, I’m going to eat this nutritious salad for lunch because I know it’s what my body needs”. Make sense?

This way of thinking will help me to place value on myself rather than on food. I will learn to love and respect myself more than I love eating cookies. That sounds kind of weird—like I’m a cookie monster or something! But that’s really the choice that I’m making when I choose to overindulge in cookies—I want cookies more than I want to meet my goals and take care of myself.

I’m sure this sounds pretty easy to anyone who does not have issues with disordered eating. I’m starting to learn that maybe this is my problem. I never wanted to admit that I was a binger, but maybe I am. I am continuing to look inward to reach the very core of my issues so I can finally get to the bottom of my weight problems. It’s going to take a lot of work.

Seriously, just today I thought, “eating oatmeal would be something I could do to show love and respect for my body. Nah, I’d rather eat cereal.” So somehow I am going to have to want to meet my goals more than I want to eat or receive whatever comfort I receive from food.

Any tips for me as I attempt this?

My Journey: Therapy for my Emotional Eating Habit

A few years ago, the thought of talking to someone about my emotional eating tendencies would have scared me enough that I would have never considered it. And I never did, until now.

I hit rock bottom this year, thanks to postpartum depression. Because of that, I was more than willing to go to therapy to work through my emotions and learn the coping skills that I so desperately needed to simply function and overcome the anxiety that I had developed. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still haven’t completely recovered. It’s a process that takes time and a lot of work.

I had a therapy session yesterday where we talked about how I feel like my hubby and baby girl deserve someone much better than me. It was the hardest session that I’ve had yet and it made me realize how deeply I have shoved my emotions into my heart.

We focused on how I feel like my hubby deserves a woman who has it more together. Someone who doesn’t have all of my issues. Someone who is fit, thin, and beautiful. Someone the opposite of me. And once again, it all came down to  poor body image, intense feelings of shame & guilt, and not loving & accepting myself.

We talked about my pregnancy and how I never really got to enjoy it because I was always worried about my weight and felt like I was ugly & huge. I never got to experience really having a “baby bump” because I already had a plump figure. No one could even tell that I was pregnant—it just looked like I was getting fatter and fatter.

I told her about something my doctor did to me in the last few weeks of pregnancy and the emotions and shame swept over me like it had just happened again. I sobbed. My heart is still broken over that and I never took the time to heal and come to terms with the experience, which is why I still feel the pain of it so strongly. I feel like it is finally time to blog about that experience so that I can finally heal. I’ll share that when I have the time & gain the courage.

It all came down to my weight, my negative body image, and my negative self image—once again. And I believe that may be the root of my problem. I don’t love myself. I absolutely hate myself. That didn’t just happen over night but it has been a lifelong accumulation of negative self talk, and believing what any person said about me like it was the gospel truth. It’s because of a lack of confidence. It’s a feeling of unworthiness.

My therapist seems fairly religious and I am thankful for that because she brings insight into how God might view my situation. Her thoughts cause me to think differently about my experiences and it helps to spin a more positive light on my situation.

My biggest take away from this appointment was that God created me and He knows that I am not perfect and that I will never be perfect. But if I am living my life trying to become what would please God, then that is enough. He loves me, despite the fact that I am imperfect.

Maybe I don’t have the perfect body and I struggle with my weight. Maybe I have postpartum depression. Maybe I am not perfect. But because of these physical & emotional imperfections, great things have been done in my heart.

If was had been born with a perfect body and no eating issues, I would never have been able to understand what it’s like to be bullied & belittled and maybe I would never have had the empathy that I have now. I never would have needed this blog as an outlet. Perhaps the entire course of my life would have changed, and quite honestly—I have a pretty good life the way it is.

Life may have been a lot less complicated and easier if I had not been predisposed to postpartum depression. But if it had never happened, the restoration that is occurring in my heart and soul would never have happened. Once again, it has helped me to have empathy and compassion for others.  It has caused me to seek out God more earnestly. The experience has improved my marriage and brought us even closer together. And it is because of this experience that I am even beginning this journey of therapy to address the issues that have lead to my weight problem.

How can I have shame about my perceived imperfections when these are the very tools which have molded me into who I am?

How can I expect to attain perfection when God has created me knowing that I will be imperfect, and yet loves me anyway?

These questions are like the effect of the warmth of the rising sun on a densely foggy morning—they dissipate the fears and bring clarity to the distant horizon. It’s a start. I can see my goal, but the road to get there is still long and winding.

My mission for the next couple of weeks is to begin to track my emotions when I “go off track” or when I am eating for reasons other than hunger. I stopped at Target and bought a little notebook that I will keep in my purse. And wouldn’t you know that my first entry is: ate a chocolate chip cookie from Starbucks because I was emotionally drained after therapy.

It is amazing how physically draining emotions can be. After the appointment, I never did get my energy back. I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. I feel better after a good night’s sleep.

This was my first therapy session where we discussed how I need help with the psychological reasons of why I am overweight. She told me this is something that we can work on. And that gives me hope. By journaling, she believes this will bring insight into why I am overeating, etc. and then we can go from there.

And so this is only the beginning.

Negative Body Image

I avoid full length mirrors as much as I can. I try not to look at my reflection in the glass of store windows. After gaining back the weight I lost a few years ago, I just can’t stand to see my whole body—it makes me very sad.

While shopping today, I saw myself in the full length dressing room mirror. I didn’t like what I saw. My hips were already wide, being that I am pear shaped, but I think that after having a baby they are even wider. Ugh—just what I need.

But as much as I hated my reflection, I decided not to let it ruin my day. I was pleasantly surprised when I realized that as soon as I was horrified by my reflection, the thoughts that followed were much more positive than they would have been in the past:

• I’m more than the package I come in.
• I have a family that loves me no matter what I look like.
• Even though overweight, my body still created a miracle of life and for that I highly respect my body.
• You only live once and I don’t want to spend my life feeling bad about myself.
• I haven’t given up.

I still find my mind wandering in a self-loathing direction, but I find myself pairing those thoughts with something more positive.

I often feel like I am a horrible human being simply because I am overweight. One of the struggles with postpartum depression is imagining that other people are looking at me and thinking I am a terrible mom—thankfully those thoughts are improving for the most part.

However, I believe I have always imagined what people are thinking about me because of my weight. And just as I have had to work to replace the negative thoughts regarding myself as a mother with positive ones, I also need to work on replacing the negative thoughts about my body with positive ones.

For example:

• I hate my hips because they are so wide.
• Positive: My hips helped me carry a baby for 9 months and I wouldn’t trade my baby for narrow hips!

When my therapist and I discussed body image a while back, she told me that there are some good things about being larger. For example, we’re a lot more fun to hug. She mentioned her daughter told her that she was nice and comfy to cuddle with—and at first she felt bad, but then she realized that she can love that about herself instead of hating it.

I am trying to work on loving myself NOW. It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to try to change, but if I don’t love myself now how am I going to love myself when I’m at a lower weight?

What’s something you hate about yourself? Negate it with a positive thought.

Weekend, Motherhood, C25K, Aspirations, and Gratitude

I had a much needed restful weekend. After Friday night, I actually didn’t leave the house once—I didn’t even go outside. And for me, that’s what I need to center myself again and recover. When I feel like that, I just don’t want anyone to see me—which I think is a pretty common feeling of those who suffer from depression.

We enjoyed supper out at a Mexican restaurant on Friday—it was delicious. My strategy at Mexican restaurants has always been to avoid the rice and beans. I’d much rather use points on the flavorful food. Most restaurants will bring you a salad instead if you request it. I also always make sure to get my meal grilled or “soft” instead of fried. This saves points and calories.

On Saturday, I straightened up the house that routinely falls apart when I fall apart. I cannot stand clutter. I am on a mission to get rid of things—I’d like to make a few extra bucks doing so but that takes time. So I guess I’ll go slow, but it needs to be done.

In the afternoon, hubby actually told me to have some time to myself and to finish up a movie that we started that he didn’t like. That was wonderful, plus he spent time with baby girl and she loves her daddy. I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel, which wasn’t all that spectacular but it was somewhat interesting to watch. I just enjoyed some much needed alone time.

I am finding that sometimes I just need to be alone with nobody telling me they need something, no complaining and whining, and no one touching me. I know that probably sounds horrible, but even just 15 minutes or an hour and I feel so much better and I’m re-energized and ready to go again. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family so so much and I love being with them and they are a blessing to me, which I am so thankful for. But do any other moms just not want to be needed sometimes? I’m beginning to see that just a little alone time is really important as a mom. Please tell me someone understands this! It makes me feel guilty to “say” it.

Sunday was just a low key day spending time as a family. Last night, baby girl actually laid her head down on my chest and let me sing to her and rock her. Usually she just can’t sit still anymore! That was precious and I savored that moment.

I think that avoiding stress was just what I needed. I am feeling better today and more energized again. I woke up early but felt lazy and just wanted to lay in bed. After breakfast, baby girl was pretty whiney so I decided I’d go for my Day 2 C25K run outside to keep her entertained. I knew I had to get it done this morning because it’s supposed to rain this afternoon (again). I had already made my coffee and everything—but I left it for later and went outside to get it done. (I’m enjoying that re-heated coffee now!)

This was my first jog outside pushing baby girl in the stroller. I liked pushing the stroller—it made me feel like I could hide behind it. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be—but my course was pretty flat.

The pushing of the stroller part was not that hard on my arms, I should say. After completing the workout, I still felt like I was going to die! It was so hot and I was sweating before I even left. There isn’t a lot of shade and the sun was so hot. But, it does make the workout go faster when you’re outside, except that I ended my workout on the other side of town and had to walk home almost another mile. But it’s all about activity.

I was interested to see how my stats compared with my treadmill workout. My average calorie burn per minute was the same. Since I was pushing the stroller, I couldn’t wear my Fitbit on my wrist to track my heart rate so I don’t know how that compares. My workout was also significantly longer since I had to walk so far home. The good news is that I earned 5,217 steps, burned 487 calories and completed 2.33 miles. I’m proud of that.

I was super duper red after my workout!! Told you that I was hot!

I signed up for our annual 4th of July 5K. My dad told me he would walk with me. I just want to walk this year—no pressure. I don’t want to be exhausted for the entire day from wearing myself out. Something is better than nothing! I think hubby is going to try to run it—we’ll see.

I feel like I have an awful lot of quit in me—but I am proving that I still have a little motivation in there too. I am proud of my progress so far and I think it’s important for me to build my self confidence and self image.

I have a whole bunch of thoughts to share with you on self image but I’m going to save it for another day because this post is getting pretty long!

Oh, another thing—I am officially going to work on writing my first book. Thank you for those of you who gave me the kindest compliments on my writing—it was just the push that I needed to take the plunge. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I have to start somewhere! It will be a collection of memoirs/personal essays on postpartum depression. I have shared quite a few of them here on the blog and I will edit those to polish them and also write many more.

I’m almost done here—but I just wanted to say how thankful I am for where I am in my life right now. I am overwhelmed most of the time, but this too shall pass as I overcome the PPD and work on bettering myself physically and emotionally. I am incredibly lucky to be able to go after my dream and I am thankful to my husband for providing so that I can do that. I have always wanted to write, but it seemed with working full time, going to school, taking care of the house, etc. etc. that I just never found the time to really put my mind to it. I have the opportunity to make time for writing now and I’m really excited about that. I feel like I’ve finally found my niche and my voice. I could also share a million thoughts about self image and identity on this one too, but I’ll save that for another post.

Have a great week!

Struggling in a big way—a novel of a post

Emotional eating has been the name of the game for the past few days. I haven’t been feeling like myself and I’m hoping it’s just hormones to blame.

I haven’t been able to stay away from chocolate—I’ve had some every day for probably the last week, but not in moderate portions the past few days. I’m not talking about crazy amounts, but just enough for me to realize that it’s emotional eating. I also ate two servings of ice cream yesterday for no particular reason other than I felt like it.

I am feeling stressed out (and don’t have a reason to be), anxious, and a little blue. I’ve had a couple of things happen this week that have added to my anxiety.

First, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. This is not like what you see in the movies. While she does have a couch, this isn’t therapy but it’s just about figuring out what cocktail of medication I need for the PPD recovery process.

So anyways, hubby was supposed to be able to watch baby girl while I had my appointment but he ended up not being able to make it. Since I had already canceled my appointment once, I decided I would take her with me since it’s usually a pretty quick in-and-out appointment.

I arrived and the small waiting room was filled with people. The receptionist was telling me that I owed money and if I didn’t pay it they were going to turn it over to collections. This was news to me because we have paid all bills we have received and I had no idea what she was talking about. However, the entire waiting room was our audience. That’s embarrassing—and not even accurate!

So I headed out to the small hallway to wait because there were just too many people in that small room for me to feel comfortable with. I let baby girl walk up and down the hallway, having to hold her hand most of the time because she wants to explore anything and everything she comes across, including trying to stick her fingers in electrical outlets. This child…lol.

And then this well-intentioned man came out of the waiting room to tell me that there were a couple of chairs available. So I felt like maybe I should go sit down since he was trying to be kind and I didn’t want to be rude. So I found a seat on the edge of the room. And then this lady gave baby girl her cell phone to play with. Whhatttt? Anyways, I didn’t want baby girl touching this thing for one thing but I also didn’t want her to break the phone! So I let her hold it for like a minute and then handed it back to the lady and said thank you.

In situations like these, I prefer to snuggle up inside my shell and not interact with anyone and just try to make it through. I know this sounds crazy but I guess it is how I have always coped. With baby girl, that is impossible. She likes to interact with anyone and everyone who will pay attention to her, including another baby in the room which she felt the need to yell across the room to. lol. She was waving at the receptionist and even wanted to walk through the room of people, probably to go make some new friends. She is a very friendly little girl, which I am proud of her for because it is not something I know how to do—but it’s also uncomfortable for me.

So we waited for 45 minutes PAST our appointment time. At that point I was about ready to leave. I was incredibly anxious and sweaty. Baby girl was about to lose it because it was passed her nap time and she was getting cranky and throwing everything I gave her to try to keep her entertained.

When the doctor finally called me in, her first question was that she noticed me waiting in the hallway and was I doing that because the room of people made me uncomfortable. She also proceeded to hand me a Kleenex because she saw me sweating. Oh my goodness—embarrassing, but it was anxiety related. So she saw my issues in person and told me she wanted to up one of my medicines if I was comfortable with it because she was confident it would help my social anxiety, but also told me to continue therapy to find ways to cope in these situations.

Meanwhile, baby girl wanted to run around her office and check everything out because that’s just her. I was trying to keep her close but the doctor said, just let her go—she’s fine. So she was going all over her office and trying to get in her papers, ripped a page in a children’s book, started to play with the mini-blind cords, and even went behind the doctor’s desk and right up to the doctor! So I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be worrying about what she was doing because the doctor told me not to, but I didn’t want her running around doing whatever so I was super nervous about that. The doctor didn’t care at all—but I was completely distracted and nervous. The doctor commented that baby girl is very inquisitive, happy, and active, which is a good thing, but keeps me on my toes—which she said was good for me because it will help me lose weight. lol…Anyways. She also told me my medication can also help me lose weight—so I will be pleasantly surprised if that does happen.

So by the time this appointment was done, I had given up any hope of going to Wal-Mart to look for a swim suit for my water aerobics class. I buckled baby girl into her car seat and then realized she had thrown her lovey blanket somewhere in the doctor’s office. There was no way I was going to try to live without that—so I unbuckled her and back into the office we went. Someone was talking to the receptionist, so we waited and waited. The receptionist quickly got the lovey and off we went….to Starbucks where I bought a nonfat caramel macchiato and a flourless chocolate cookie. Totally stress eating—and I would say that was the beginning. And then I got home and hubby told me he had to work late and I wouldn’t be able to make it to my first water aerobics class. I was disappointed and relieved all at the same time.

Now I know that I have written a novel, but I have more to say—lol.

Last night we had our bible study. Hubby had to work late again…but said he thought he could meet me there…and he did. As I’ve mentioned, I haven’t been feeling like myself and I need to learn that when I feel like that I should just stay home and “heal”, if you will. But I didn’t.

So there was a visiting couple there with a 6 month old. And this mom was completely relaxed and so was her baby. Just laying there and hardly making a peep. Baby girl has never acted like that in her life. So here she is chattering away and yelling and making her noises, throwing her toys, trying to climb all over me and hubby, and squirming to try to escape our arms so she can go climb the nearest steps (her latest obsession). She still takes a night time bottle and unfortunately I forgot it at home.

I saw this couple making sideways glances at us and at their parents. And I understand that I do not know what people are thinking but I think that I do…ha. So I was thinking that they were thinking (now that sounds crazy), “Wow, she is obnoxious…they really need to take her out. Why aren’t they taking her out…she’s distracting. We’re so much better parents than they are…just look, our precious baby is sitting so still and just staring at their wild child like he can’t believe his eyes. It’s probably because she’s formula fed”.

My thoughts get out of control. So hubby took baby girl out and I sat there and got very anxious to the point of tears, so I left the room and found hubby and cried. I told him I just couldn’t handle it and that I would take care of baby girl while he was in the bible study. He told me to take a Xanax, which I probably should have done before I got there.

While keeping baby entertained, she was starting to lose it. I tried to feed her Cheerios and she took a fistful and threw them all on the floor. She kept throwing her pacifier. I gave her a drink and she drank and drank and then started spitting water and she was soaking wet so I had to change her clothes.

Once the study was over, I rejoined the group and picked up all of the toys strewn all over. Finally baby girl could get down to walk around all she wanted to do was try to climb the stairs. So I stood up and held her. One man was joking with me and asked I was still having fun or if I was ready to give her away. I just laughed but I was thinking to myself, well actually I’m just now starting to have fun and unfortunately I never got to experience that before (a topic for another post). But I just smiled. And then another woman (a mother with older children) kind of sighed and said, “how are you?” and then said to baby girl “you are keeping your mama busy!”. And then I just started to lose it and started to cry so I said excuse me and went outside where I just started bawling. Thankfully, hubby had noticed and brought all of our stuff out and got us to the car and ready to leave.

It was just too much for me. And then I felt like I was back-tracking on the progress that I had made and I felt really disappointed. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just hormones or something.

I really feel like we have a unique child. I have a feeling that she is very smart (I know all parents probably think this…lol), and she is incredibly active and outgoing. The girl can whistle. If we sing the ABC’s, we sometimes catch her continuing the song, her “words” imitating the sounds of the letters. We get these little glimpses of what’s going on in her head and we are surprised! She definitely has a sense of humor.

I absolutely love her, but as her mother, I also understand her while people who are not around her everyday do not. So I’m afraid people might look on like, “what is up with her”, but they don’t really know her personality, etc. They don’t know that the only time she really acts out is when she is really tired, but otherwise she is a well behaved, sweet and funny little girl.

So while I wanted to begin the Couch to 5K this morning, I decided sleep was a better option for me at the moment. And I feel disappointed in myself for a variety of reasons. I’ve lost the energy that I had recently found. I have found myself wanting to curl up at home and not interact with anyone—except that we have company coming tomorrow night until Monday—whom I invited myself when I was feeling wonderful.

I actually called my husband last night and told him that I was too fat to leave the house…I know that sounds weird but it’s just my sense of humor and trying to express the way that I felt. I was sitting on the floor playing with baby girl and I saw myself in the mirror and I cannot believe how horrible I look. I am ginormous. I look like I sit around the house and eat Twinkies and entire pizzas by myself. I don’t do either, by the way, but no one else knows that—I just look like a woman who has absolutely no self control with food. And I probably am that woman.

I have been trying to tell myself that it’s OK that I am where I am. Most people do not know what I have been through in the last couple of years. They don’t know the battles that I have fought and that I am a SURVIVOR. A Warrior Mom. Even though right now, I feel like I have curled up inside my armor, laid down on the battle field clutching my sword with my shield resting over my body like a turtle shell.

I will get up again. The battle isn’t over yet.

Do you have a Survivor or Victim Mentality in Weight Loss and Life?

The concept of survivor vs. victim mentality was introduced to me in a counseling session, of which I have been going to for postpartum depression recovery. We were discussing a difficult relationship and her advice was invaluable to me—I do plan to blog about dealing with negative relationships soon, but what I find especially intriguing right now is applying this concept to weight loss.

I believe that I have taken on both the survivor and the victim mentality throughout the years. I remember the first time that I met my doctor and I was struggling to lose more weight, having already lost a significant amount, and she told me “you are NOT a failure”. I hadn’t mentioned anything about feeling like a failure, but somehow she had just the right words.

I remember coming home, getting on my recumbent bike and biking my heart out with tears streaming down my face.

I am NOT a failure. I, Alissa, am NOT a failure.

The thought was amazingly freeing and it was a huge turning point for me.

I finally realized that all of the heartbreak I had endured with various people (adults, coaches, and peers) telling me that who I was wasn’t good enough, skinny enough, fast enough, talented enough, pretty enough, outgoing enough—none of that was true.

These were no longer excuses for me to feel like a victim broken by life and like I didn’t measure up—instead, they were experiences that made me stronger, better, and kinder. I was a survivor of these experiences. It doesn’t mean that these experiences were not painful, that they weren’t wrong in so many ways, or that it was even a gift that I went through them. It simply meant that life threw cruelty in my face in so many ways and that I am still standing strong—better for it.

It took me a very long time to get to this place of acceptance and strength. And to this day, I can honestly say that I truly believe that the comments made about me and cruel actions towards me are not a reflection of myself, but a reflection of the inflictor. These were their issues, not mine. I am a survivor.

A SURVIVOR.

The word simply invokes strength out of what felt like weakness. It is a shift in mentality that I am finding is a key to happiness.

And so I have been thinking about ways in which I am taking on a victim role in regard to weight loss and my life in general. These are areas of my life that I need to take responsibility for and take action. That doesn’t mean that they are not valid, or that I am silly for feeling a certain way—it simply means that to move forward and to be a survivor, I have to take action. Nobody can do this for me except for me.

• Victim mentality: I have always felt like I received the short end of the stick in the genetics department. Somehow, I inherited the weight problem.
• Survivor mentality: I may have been born with a tendency to be overweight, but I can make changes to get my health under control.

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• Victim mentality: I can’t stop eating my emotions because so and so invokes these feelings and makes me upset.
• Survivor mentality: No one controls my actions except for me. So and so may be unkind, but I am allowing myself to get upset and I am also choosing to eat.

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• Victim mentality: No one likes me as much as they like so and so. They never have and they never will.
• Survivor mentality: Even if people were cruel in the past, it doesn’t mean that everyone is that way or that it was my fault. If I try to be more friendly, people will probably respond—if they don’t, that’s their problem, not mine.

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• Victim mentality: Everyone else can eat whatever they want whenever they want. If I so much as look at a cookie, I will gain 10 lbs. It’s just not fair.
• Survivor mentality: Maybe it doesn’t seem fair, but this is the body I have been given and I will only live once. It’s not that I don’t get to eat delicious foods, it’s just that I have set goals that I want to meet and so I must practice moderation. I will be happier having met my goals. The sooner I accept the fact that this is just the way my metabolism is, the sooner I can take steps to move forward.

 

My examples are kind of “big” issues, but I think it’s easy to have the victim mentality in many shapes and forms. Throughout my journey with PPD, I have learned that my thoughts are incredibly impactful.

Just because we have a victim mentality right now does not mean that we can’t change the way that we think. It’s possible. It takes a lot of mindfulness to identify these thoughts and then change them—but it’s possible.

I can be a survivor and so can you.

 

Can you identify any ways that you have taken on the victim mentality? How can you change that into the survivor mentality?

Weigh in Day & Thursday Recap

Week 1 Weigh in Day and Weekly Recap

I weighed in today because I want my weigh in day to be on Fridays. So, while I have only been on plan since Monday, I still had a really great loss of 4.8 lbs.! I am excited to see next week’s results because I feel like I have really stepped up my game.

My stats from Monday through Thursday:

• Weekly Points Used= 1
• Active Points Earned = 36
• Weight loss= 4.8 lbs.

I only used the weekly point because I forgot to count a tsp. of butter that I put on my toast until later!

Not too shabby!

Thursday Recap

It was rainy all day yesterday so I had to get creative to get my steps in yesterday. First up, I hopped on the treadmill for a 40 minute walk.

I was feeling tired yesterday so I mostly just wanted to sit around doing nothing. I played with baby girl, read her books, gave her a bath, did some laundry, cooked meals, and did a little too much sitting and staring at my phone—I’m still not doing very well at unplugging! At the same time, it’s kind of fun being able to be more active on my blog social media accounts: Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. What can I say, this blog thing (and all that goes along with it) is a passion of mine.

My hips are sore from all of the walking and most likely from walking/jogging in place barefoot. I have been trying to do some stretching to see if that helps. I guess going from virtually no activity to being active will do that to you! Plus, I always tend to get hip pain on the left side when I am active.

However, I did meet my step goal for the day! That’s four days in a row.

In the evening, I did a little house walking including carrying baby girl around the house with me because she gets fussy in the evenings.

When I got tired, I set her down and turned on some Amazon Prime kids music and that settled her for a while so I could walk in place. I had some fun with it and danced around too. Baby girl loves sounds and music. She thinks it’s funny when I walk in place and bobs her little head to the beat of my feet hitting the ground. Too funny.

She didn’t want to settle down at bedtime again, so I gave up and brought her with me to do Just Dance on the Wii. My brother gave me this like 3-4 years ago and I have never played it! It was so much fun. I didn’t get as many steps as I would while walking, but it was a fun way to get 600+ steps in 10 minutes and was a good calorie burn anyways. I look completely ridiculous while I’m doing it, which is another reason I always close the shades when I work out. haha.

I took a video to show hubby how ridiculous I looked and when I watched it I immediately hated myself. How could I have let myself get this huge again? It’s disgusting and embarrassing. But then I told myself that at least I’m showing up and being active—it doesn’t matter what I look like because I’m trying. But I can’t wait to get back to where I was at my lowest.

Have a good weekend!