A Trip to the Blank Park Zoo in Des Moines & Mini-Vacation

Every year around my birthday time we go to Des Moines to go shopping. I miss having local access to a lot of my favorite stores and the good selection that you can find in a bigger city. Oh, and there’s a Cheesecake factory. Enough said.

Little Miss Sunshine loves animals. Most of the books we have are about animals and she loves to see all of the farm animals at grampy and grammy’s farm. I knew she would absolutely love going to the zoo—so we made plans to do that!

This was my first visit to the Blank Park Zoo in Des Moines but hubby had been there on field trips are a child. It’s the perfect size zoo—it took us about 2 hours to walk through which was the perfect amount of time for a one year old. Although we didn’t go through the indoor Discovery Center. She was getting tired and cranky towards the end.

We took a train ride through the zoo, which cost less than $5 for all three of us. Overall, everything was very reasonably priced. Admission was $12 each and Little Miss Sunshine was free (as are children 2 years old and younger).

Aren’t Little Miss Sunshine’s sunglasses adorable? She actually kept them on most of the time!

She really did love the zoo! She would get so excited to see the different animals. She thought anything furry was a cat and would meow, of course.

How brave this child is never ceases to amaze me. She isn’t afraid of much of anything—although she didn’t want to touch this llama.

There was a nice playground located in the Kids’ Kingdom. Little Miss Sunshine was a little too young to use the equipment, but we did find this cow to take a quick picture with!

It was so fun to see her look at the animals with wonder. It’s like being able to relive childhood through the eyes of my child.

We really needed to go on a vacation and just spend a little time together as a family with no interruptions or real responsibilities. We really enjoyed it!

By far, Little Miss Sunshine loved the carousel the most. She cried and cried when the ride was over and we had to get off!

Such a beautiful carousel!

I had some record breaking steps earned on my Fitbit over the weekend! On this particular day (Friday), I earned 13,396 steps—which was a personal record at the time, but I blew that out of the water on Saturday with 17,043 steps! Whoohoo!

I earned the Urban Boot badge on Fitbit. It has been a long time since I’ve earned a badge—so that made me happy!

On Saturday, we started our day out with a walk at Gray’s Lake Park—a beautiful spot for a walk!

The rest of the trip was filled with shopping (mostly just walking around malls), swimming at the hotel pool, Starbucks, and good eats…maybe too many of those!

I can’t wait to take our next mini vacation!

 

What’s your favorite vacation spot for a quick getaway?

Weekend Recap, etc.

As forecasted, we had beautiful fall weather this past weekend! I enjoyed every minute and even cooked up some Slow Cooker Quinoa Chicken Chili, which I featured in my 8 Healthy Recipes for Fall post yesterday.

I actually got out of the house on Friday and went for about an hour long walk. Baby enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. It was beautiful.

We started our weekend by going to Subway for supper. With both hubby and myself on board with eating healthier, this saved us from our usual weekly dining out and eating too many calories/points. That’s an NSV for sure! We still followed it up by ice cream, but counted the points. We would have had a caloric dinner AND ice cream otherwise.

After spending more time on my AJourney2Thin Instagram account, I have noticed that people are losing weight eating like I used to eat—just eating anything in moderation. That’s how I did my best and I felt the most satisfied. So forget all of this clean eating, no carb, no fruit, no gluten, no sugar, you name it diet nonsense. I’m just going to do what works for me. I include plenty of fresh fruits and veggies, lean meats, dairy, whole grains, and otherwise very healthy food. But if I want to eat a brownie—well, I’m going to eat a brownie! (if I have the points for it, of course). No guilt. This is my life and I’ll eat what I want. Why has it taken me so long to accept this? ha. BTW, you are free to do what you want too—embrace it and let everyone else do what works for them!

I met my step goal on Friday for the first time in a LONG time. It was a good feeling!

 

I especially like to see those Activity Points add up! When I meet 10,000 steps—I earn 7 APs.

On Saturday, baby girl wasn’t feeling well at all after being sick since last Tuesday. I put her down for a nap and then hubby encouraged me to go run errands and get groceries, etc. alone. I didn’t know if I should leave, but since she was going down for a nap I decided it would be fine.

Well it wasn’t. She refused to nap for hubby and wasn’t feeling well and cried & cried. He was at the end of his rope by the time I got home. Now he knows how stressful being at home with a baby can be! Poor baby girl though.

I decided that it would put my mind at ease if we took her into urgent care to have her looked at. I tend to overreact. I’m learning it’s anxiety which causes this and it’s good that I know I’m over reacting. Seriously though, I Googled and was convinced she had walking pneumonia. I also developed what I believe to have been a salivary gland stone under my tongue and I immediately thought I had cancer and was going to die. It’s funny but it’s not—why am I so crazy?

Everything was fine with baby, they did a strep test and a throat culture and both were negative. But at least we could rest easy knowing something wasn’t horribly wrong—she sounded horrible with her cough, which turned into croup that evening.

I ended up meeting my step goal on Saturday too! I had to walk in place for a few minutes to get there, but I did it!

On Sunday, baby girl seemed even worse. We stayed home all day. Neither of us had much sleep on Saturday night—I slept with her all night and she wanted me there. We napped quite a bit on Sunday afternoon.

On Sunday night, I was prepared to sleep with her again but she just wouldn’t get comfortable and apparently didn’t want me to sleep with her. lol. As soon as I put her in her crib, she was good for the night! Funny girl.

She seemed to feel better Monday morning. What a relief! I was thinking I would need to take her back to the doctor because her temperature had gone up a little bit the night before. She’s still doing better but has a bad sounding cough—at least she doesn’t seem to be in pain anymore though. I have a sore throat and a cough now—drinking up my natural cold and sore throat remedy every day!

I’m still on track with my points! That’s huge for me and I’m proud of myself for sticking it out. I actually feel smaller this morning so I will be anxious to see what the scale tells me on Friday.

Hubby had to be away for work last night, so I had a little extra time to do whatever. I ended up getting most of the house cleaned up. I even set up a new toy storage bin where I’m going to create a play space. It’s really messy right now—but I will get it all worked out! Much better than having all of the toys in the living room!

I think I’ve mentioned before, but I’m turning our dining room (which has never been a dining room for us) into half my office area and half a play space. I’ve decided on light gray for the walls and I’m in the planning stages right now.

I found the cutest baskets/bins at Menards that I’m going to put up on a shelf to store things in. They were even on sale!

I bought a shelf but I think I’m going to return it and find something more distressed looking…maybe at Hobby Lobby? They have a good selection. I could probably even make something myself. We’ll see.

I will need one set of drapes and plan to find something with a little color, but I haven’t decided on a color scheme yet—other than the gray. And the general theme of the office area will be industrial and distressed looking. When we first moved in here, I went a little crazy with the colors. I want to repaint to make the house more neutral and “homey” feeling.

Currently, I have a big book shelf in the room that is filled to the brim with books. It looks horrible and I really don’t need all of those books. I plan on getting rid of a lot of them and I’m trying to decide what to do with the book shelf because I just feel like it takes up too much space and makes the room look cluttered. Maybe I could send it to the basement for hubby to pile his junk on. HA—don’t tell him I said that. I got it for free with a gift card I earned at work a long, long time ago—so no big loss if I get rid of it. I’m learning that it’s ok to just let go of things!

So there’s my little update for this Tuesday!

 

What have you been up to?

Update on my plan, psychiatrist visit, and life in general

It probably won’t come as much of a surprise that I have failed miserably at sticking to my new Simply Filling plan. But I’m still on board with following the plan.

This holiday weekend brought a series of unplanned events and outings and I ended up going way off track. Pizza, donuts, ice cream, cookies, pancakes…yikes. I felt horrible by the time the weekend was over.

But I have seen improvements in my food choices overall—not including those parts of the weekend where I was way off track. I went grocery shopping and did not buy any “junk” foods. The contents of my cart looked much healthier!

On Friday night, hubby told me to take Saturday and go out and enjoy some alone time. I don’t know why, but I was nervous about it and felt guilty. But once I was out the door and on the road I felt much better about it.

It is AMAZING what a little bit of alone time can do. This was my first outing by myself since baby was born. I cranked up my music and sang in the car, did a little shopping, ate lunch in the car, went to Barnes & Noble and sat at the Starbucks drinking an iced latte and eating a cookie while reading my book, and finally I went grocery shopping—ALONE.

By the time I got home, I felt so refreshed. I was able to be the patient and loving mother and wife that I want to be. I really needed a break—I see that now and so does hubby. Even baby girl seemed happier after having some quality time with daddy. I think we both needed a little break from each other!

Sunday, hubby’s dad invited us out for Chinese. And then that evening we all left on a little road trip to meet some of hubby’s relatives. That was completely unplanned.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I explained everything to her. I don’t feel like she really hears me. I feel like I’m being rushed in and pushed out sometimes. She tells me the exact same things every single time. She asks me questions that I answer the same every single time. She obviously does not look at my file before seeing me and I find that frustrating.

Anyways, she tells me that of course I have chemical based depression and that means that I don’t have enough serotonin. But how does she know that’s what’s causing my symptoms? She’s just guessing. I tried to explain everything that happens, etc. and her answer is to up my anxiety meds and doubled my Xanax and told me to take it before I get anxious. Ummm? How am I supposed to know beforehand that I am going to be too anxious for my own health?

She says the buzzing feeling in my arms and my legs is the anxiety. She asks me abruptly, “Why do you feel like that?”—Well, I don’t know! That’s the point. Isn’t that exactly what depression and anxiety are? You have thoughts and feelings and you don’t know why or how to stop them. You’d think a psychiatrist would know that. Something isn’t quite right and I want to figure out what isn’t right before I just keep taking more and more medications.

I told her how it was like a flip of a switch for me and the depression comes on suddenly and can last for days or for weeks. Her response, “we all have times we feel sad, even on the medications”. DUH. There is a big difference between feeling sad, and feeling like you want to die, lacking all energy, crying all the time, feeling like a dark cloud surrounds you, and feeling hopeless. I know what it feels like to have a bad day—and what I feel is not just a bad day. But she doesn’t seem to hear me. Maybe it’s time to find a new psychiatrist.

Anyways, baby girl came down with a 102 fever yesterday afternoon. Poor baby. She went to bed last night at 6:30 and is still sleeping this morning at 10 a.m.! That’s a sure sign she doesn’t feel well. I’m glad she is resting though because that’s the best medicine. Hopefully it’s short lived.

Chemical imbalance?

I feel like a blog slacker right now because I can’t think of anything exciting that I want to post about! So I’ll just be blogging random things again today and updating you on my journey in general.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my therapist. It wasn’t really like a therapy session because she was trying to figure out why I have these quick changes from feeling great to depression. She asked me questions to determine if I’m bipolar, she said it doesn’t sound like I am…and I don’t think I am either. She came to the conclusion that what I am describing is definitely chemically related and that it’s possible that my birth control pills could be affecting it all too, especially because I had some issues with them in the past when I was switched to a generic version.

She believes that my PPD is in remission now and that I have always had anxiety and the PPD and stress of motherhood has caused my anxiety to become severe. Because of my anxiety, I experience relapses of depression that can last a short while or a few weeks. That makes sense to me.

She told me to see an OBGYN as soon as possible to get this all figured out. She said to tell them what was going on and that they would fit me in ASAP. Well, I called to schedule an appointment and it didn’t sound like they were trying to fit me in because the earliest they would see me is October 1st. Bummer. So I guess I’ll keep at this for another month unless my psychiatrist has some insight into this when I see her next week.

My therapist told me to keep reaching out for help and that we would get this all figured out. I sure hope so. I am feeling discouraged, like I am stuck with this version of myself forever.

I have been consulting Dr. Google and have determined that I have a horrible disease. HA—but really, I wonder if I have too much cortisol (stress hormone). I even read somewhere that the buzzing sensation that I describe when I am feeling especially anxious could be caused by cortisol. Not to sound crazy, but sometimes my legs or arms jolt—which I read is another symptom. The symptoms all align, but I am no doctor and neither is Google.

I just really, really, really want this to all be over and to go about my life as “me” again.

In other news, it is super-duper hot today. I took the little one outside to let her play in the sprinkler. Of course she loved it!

That child is going to be the death of me. I was trying to get the sprinkler set up and she’s running away so fast that her shoes literally fell off her feet and it didn’t stop her one bit! So I have to chase after her and then I almost fall down a million times and trip over my flip flops.

I finally got it all set up and she played in it for about 5 minutes…ha.

Also, last night when I was giving her a bath, I put a little bath foam letter in my mouth and blew it out really fast. She thought it was the funniest thing ever and laughed so hard. I’ve never seen her laugh so hard. I caught a video of it and oh my goodness it’s infectious!!

I guess that’s all I have to share for now!

Visiting Jane

When baby girl and I visited my parents last week we had quite a bit of fun. When my brothers, sister & families arrived, my parents treated us to a visit to the Burpee Museum of Natural History. We have become such a big family that we got the group discount!

It’s hard to believe that I grew up in Rockford, IL but never went to this museum, not even on a field trip! Burpee Museum is most known for its Jane display. Jane is “the world’s most complete and best preserved juvenile T. rex”.

It’s pretty incredible that these creatures once roamed the earth!

I would have loved to have spent more time reading the information, but hubby and I kept pretty busy chasing around the one year old. She had so much fun exploring a new place and wasn’t afraid of the giant creatures or dinosaur noises.

We saw the Savage Ancient Sea: Dinosaurs of the Sea exhibit, which is a traveling exhibit.

Here is my SIL, myself, sister, and mom.

The kids had a fun time “digging for dinosaur bones”. The one year old played in the area too but she is always moving and hard to get a picture of.

I told the kids to pose like they were about to get eaten by this monster, but only one obliged. lol

This little guy seemed to enjoy the experience and having grandpa answer questions.

I think what I found most fascinating was the GeoScience display. I’ve always been intrigued by rocks, ever since I was a child. I had never seen fluorescents before—pretty cool! And of course I loved looking at the gems.

There was this neat display that showed what a mine looks like underground. It made me anxious just to look at it. I can’t imagine how miners go down that far into the earth! Eek!

Sadly, I didn’t get pictures of either.

Eventually we had to put the little one in the stroller to keep her under control. She was tired by that time so she was content. Here we are by the mammoth.

 

We would love to visit again when the little one is older. It was a great escape from the torturous heat outside!

I recommend visiting if you’re ever in the area!

Quick Post

I have opened my laptop numerous times to write a blog post but I am feeling uninspired. I think there’s a reason for that though—I’m just enjoying living life right now and it seems for me that during these times I don’t have much inspiration to write—but doing so gives me inspiration to write later on, if that makes sense. I’m kind of in vacation mode.

So I’ll just leave you a couple of pictures. Baby girl and I are spending the week at my parent’s house. My entire family will be getting together this weekend for the first time in quite a few years! We’re looking forward to it.

My mom and dad set up a baby pool on the deck and baby girl absolutely loved playing in it! She loves the water so much.

So that’s what’s up with me! I love the questions that a couple of you left on yesterday’s post and I will definitely sit down and write a post for each question! Feel free to send me more questions.

See you tomorrow!

Happy Birthday America

Happy 4th of July to all of you- whether you’re celebrating Independence Day or, if you’re not in the U.S., today is just another Saturday.

I am enjoying time relaxing with family after wearing myself out at a 5K this morning.

How are you spending the holiday?

A {busy} Day in the Life of Post

I thought it was time for a day in the life of post—so here is my Tuesday! I am so out of the habit of doing this that I forgot to take pics of my breakfast and so I decided to just eliminate the food from this post.

I woke up shortly before 7:00. It takes me a little bit to wake up and be ready to take on the day, so I just laid in bed for a little while. I headed downstairs and had to smile when I found this note from hubby on the table. He leaves me a note every morning. <3

I heard baby girl talking in her room at about 7:00, which was at least an hour earlier than her usual wake up time. She just sat in there quietly hanging out—completely content.

She likes her alone time here and there. It’s kind of funny because just about every day she goes over to the door to the stairs and wants to go up to her room. I’ll put her in her crib like she’s going down for a nap and she will spend an hour up there just laying down quietly but not going to sleep. She has started to only take one nap per day now, but she still likes that second “quiet time”—which is alright by me because she usually needs it.

Anyways, she kept acting like she was going to go back to sleep so I finally decided to try to sneak downstairs without her hearing me. Hubby found a way to do so and it’s genius. If we walk with one foot on each side of the hallway the floor doesn’t squeak as much. hehehe I’m sure that we look pretty ridiculous doing it—but it works! And sure enough, she was sound asleep.

I used the time to sit down and do some writing, enjoying the muted light, breeze from the fan, and quietness. I also started drinking a big glass of water—which is something I like to do first thing in the morning because it makes my body feel good.

I actually got my shower in and got ready for the day before baby girl woke up. She slept in extra late today. When she finally woke up, we had breakfast and then got ready to leave.

Hubby was going to be working super late, so I wanted to keep busy throughout the day so that baby girl didn’t get fussy. So the was a little more “fun filled” than most days. Hubby needed to pick up some eggs from his parent’s for a coworker and he wasn’t going to be able to, so I volunteered to go get them for him.

I know his parent’s love their time with baby girl, so I asked if they wanted to spend some time with her while I went for a walk. They were thrilled. This was the first time I asked someone other than my mom to watch baby girl…and doing it didn’t make me anxious like it would have in the past. I think the fact that she’s older and has shown me her growing independence makes me feel much more comfortable with leaving her alone with someone I know and trust. She’s also at an age that’s easier for them.

Oh my goodness, I really enjoyed my walk. I was reminded of why hubby wants us to move out into the country. It is so peaceful out there. I just walked up the gravel road to the next farm and back—which hubby says is exactly a mile away (so I would have walked 2 miles total)—but my Fitbit told me I walked 1.75 miles so it’s probably off a little bit…or maybe it didn’t count steps every time I was wiping away the sweat from my face! Eek.

It was a hazy day, but hot and humid. My MIL commented that it was nice and cool out and they had their windows opened. It never ceases to amaze me how they do that. I get soooo hot and moody that hubby is more than happy to run the AC…haha. And I’m only truly comfortable when it’s set to 72!!

Here I am towards the beginning of my walk—still nice and cool from the Jeep AC… so no oceans of sweat running down my face yet.

We’ve had so much rain lately. The water in the creek was rushing along.

I was going to listen to my iPod, but I decided to listen to the peacefulness instead: the crunch of the gravel beneath my feet, birds chirping on the lines overhead, the soft whoosh of butterflies in front of me, bugs singing in the grass, and water rushing out of the fields through the tile systems. It was really beautiful.

The Iowa corn has gotten so tall and so quickly too! I guess the hot weather and rain will do that. There’s a saying that the corn will be “knee high by the 4th of July”—I would say it’s probably to my shoulders!

On the way back I was facing the hot sun and was feeling tired so I decided to listen to podcasts. I love listening to podcasts when I can—usually when I’m working around the house when baby girl is napping.

On the way back, I found these items on the side of the bridge. I was kind of fascinated by this…odd! It made me wonder where they came from, how old these pieces were, etc.

When I made it back to the in-law’s place, I could see baby girl happily exploring. When she saw me she just burst into tears! I picked her up and she wouldn’t let me put her back down. I guess when she saw me she realized I had been gone! She looked at me like I had betrayed her! Poor baby—but it is good for her. She will learn that mama will always return!

It was lunch time, so I headed to a nearby Subway for lunch. Yummy! I have to order a kid’s meal for baby girl because she literally eats the entire sandwich! This girl eats so much—but she is SO active, so I guess she has to get the energy somewhere. She’s a typical toddler though and eats in cycles—sometimes she hardly eats a thing at a meal or two.

She enjoyed waving to everyone who walked in the door and yelling out “DA DA” to every tall dark headed man that came in…lol. That always makes me feel awkward…

You can see her pretty blue eyes in this one.

After that we headed home. She doesn’t fall asleep in the car very often anymore. I have a backpack full of toys that I keep in the front seat and when she gets fussy, I hand her one at a time. I have all kinds of toys with buttons that make sounds because that’s what she likes best—oh and some books because she loves those too right now.

When we got home I put her down for a nap. She just hung out in her crib for the LONGEST time trying to avoid her nap. She was content for quite a while but then started fussing. She throws everything out of her crib and she can’t sleep unless she has her lovey and her pacifier. I had to make a few trips up to her room to retrieve everything for her. I gave her a couple of books and she eventually settled down and slept for a really long time! She really needed the nap and I wanted to make sure that she took it.

Thankfully, she woke up a happy baby! Sometimes you just never know—sometimes she goes down for a nap an angel and wakes up a little devil! haha

I was pretty tired, so I just hung out while she slept. A vacation day it was! I finally got to enjoy some coffee, I read some blogs, read my book, and got supper together. I made myself a bbq chicken pizza on a tortilla with garden fresh green beans and I made her a chicken parmesan pizza on a tortilla and she also ate some avocado. She had fun making a mess!

After supper, we played and read books. I picked up my book to read a little and so then she picked up her books and would read too. It was cute.

When it 7:00 and the pool would open up again for the evening, I pushed her in the jogging stroller and walked up there. When she saw the pool she got so excited. The water was a little cold but it didn’t stop her.

She is so brave—when I expect her to be scared, she is completely fine. I want to hold onto her hand the entire time and she’s always trying to get away from me—the second I let go, she fell down of course. She got her face in the water and it didn’t even phase her! I expected screams but nope—totally fine. I was the only one upset. lol.

She is incredibly persistent and she spotted something in the lifeguard office and so she repeatedly kept trying to go in there. Oh my goodness! Other than that, all she wanted to do was step up and down from the pool to the edge—she is obsessed with stairs of any kind.

When I was starting to get tired of keeping baby girl out of the lifeguard office, we headed home.

And then it was bath time. After that, she was all tired out and bedtime was no problemo! She was out like a light. I think she requires constant activity and action so I’m going to have to provide that for her!

I did a little maintenance with my flower pots and then decided to call it a night.

I think today proves that I am finally over this “relapse” of PPD. On bad days it’s a triumph to just take a shower. It’s so nice to feel like myself again and have lots of energy! I got over 12,000 steps!

So that was a super long post…are you still with me?! I guess I have a lot of things to say! I’ll try to do these posts every once in a while and I’ll also try to remember to take pics of my food next time!

Someday She Won’t Need Me Anymore #PostPartumDepression #PPDChat

My eyes popped open the moment I heard the frightened and desperate cry. Although groggy, I climbed out of the comfort of the warm bed and quickly made my way down the hall in my bare feet.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” I said with concern as she stood up with tears rushing down her cheeks and reached her little arms up towards me.

I gently picked her up and held her close and immediately, like magic, her crying stopped and she started to settle back to sleep in my arms, clutching her pink owl blanket and softly sucking her pacifier in quick intervals.

I sat rocking her in the big tan comfy chair, that I had spent countless hours in over the past year, and felt a surge of emotion. Joy and sadness both. I cherished the precious moment but grieved for all of the moments that had been stolen from me.

For the first year of her life, I fought a vicious battle inside of my head. I fell to the depths of postpartum depression and had finally climbed my way out of the darkness and emerged a changed woman—a woman who knows what it feels like to be broken, desperate, and afraid.

It wasn’t long before when the same desperate cry would have made me feel overwhelmed, angry, resentful and helpless. And the guilt of all of these feelings was the heaviest of all—it forced me farther and farther down into the depths of darkness.

The delicate pink and gray room, that had been so carefully planned and excitedly prepared before her birth, was lit by the gentle light of the moon. Her initials were carefully placed above her crib, a tree decal was planted on a gray wall with its pink leaves blowing as if in the middle of a gentle breeze. The art work I had chosen almost foretelling what I would desperately need to know, “Don’t worry about a thing, because every little thing is gonna be alright”. Finally, I could hear the peace in this room, which was no longer being drowned out by the clanging dissonant loudness of my thoughts, anxieties, and fears.

I held her for a long time, well after she was asleep again. I felt her soft and smooth skin, listened to her baby breath, inhaled her baby fragrance, and showered her in soft kisses—careful not to awake her.

So often I had held her while tears of sadness rushed from my eyes. This time, joy was overflowing instead. For the first time, I felt what it was like to feel bonded with my beautiful baby girl and I didn’t want to miss a thing, having already missed so much.

I slowly stood up from the rocker and carried her back to her crib, placing her gently inside what had become her own little nest. She quickly settled in and was fast asleep. I tip-toed out of the room, careful to avoid all of the places on the old wooden floor that creaked and quietly closed the door behind me.

Down the hall, my husband was fast asleep having not even noticed I was gone. I climbed into bed and I continued to silently cry, knowing that someday she, this precious little girl who needed me so much right now, was no longer going to need me anymore. She would grow up and become independent, no longer needing her mother’s comfort or wanting to hear the lullabies that escaped my lips and brought her peace.

What was taken from me by postpartum depression in that first year cannot be returned and the grief of that is heavy. We are not promised tomorrow, but we have today. And I am clutching to these little moments each day that move like soft whispers of love to an eager ear—heard only briefly in tenderness —and then they’re gone.

Struggling in a big way—a novel of a post

Emotional eating has been the name of the game for the past few days. I haven’t been feeling like myself and I’m hoping it’s just hormones to blame.

I haven’t been able to stay away from chocolate—I’ve had some every day for probably the last week, but not in moderate portions the past few days. I’m not talking about crazy amounts, but just enough for me to realize that it’s emotional eating. I also ate two servings of ice cream yesterday for no particular reason other than I felt like it.

I am feeling stressed out (and don’t have a reason to be), anxious, and a little blue. I’ve had a couple of things happen this week that have added to my anxiety.

First, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. This is not like what you see in the movies. While she does have a couch, this isn’t therapy but it’s just about figuring out what cocktail of medication I need for the PPD recovery process.

So anyways, hubby was supposed to be able to watch baby girl while I had my appointment but he ended up not being able to make it. Since I had already canceled my appointment once, I decided I would take her with me since it’s usually a pretty quick in-and-out appointment.

I arrived and the small waiting room was filled with people. The receptionist was telling me that I owed money and if I didn’t pay it they were going to turn it over to collections. This was news to me because we have paid all bills we have received and I had no idea what she was talking about. However, the entire waiting room was our audience. That’s embarrassing—and not even accurate!

So I headed out to the small hallway to wait because there were just too many people in that small room for me to feel comfortable with. I let baby girl walk up and down the hallway, having to hold her hand most of the time because she wants to explore anything and everything she comes across, including trying to stick her fingers in electrical outlets. This child…lol.

And then this well-intentioned man came out of the waiting room to tell me that there were a couple of chairs available. So I felt like maybe I should go sit down since he was trying to be kind and I didn’t want to be rude. So I found a seat on the edge of the room. And then this lady gave baby girl her cell phone to play with. Whhatttt? Anyways, I didn’t want baby girl touching this thing for one thing but I also didn’t want her to break the phone! So I let her hold it for like a minute and then handed it back to the lady and said thank you.

In situations like these, I prefer to snuggle up inside my shell and not interact with anyone and just try to make it through. I know this sounds crazy but I guess it is how I have always coped. With baby girl, that is impossible. She likes to interact with anyone and everyone who will pay attention to her, including another baby in the room which she felt the need to yell across the room to. lol. She was waving at the receptionist and even wanted to walk through the room of people, probably to go make some new friends. She is a very friendly little girl, which I am proud of her for because it is not something I know how to do—but it’s also uncomfortable for me.

So we waited for 45 minutes PAST our appointment time. At that point I was about ready to leave. I was incredibly anxious and sweaty. Baby girl was about to lose it because it was passed her nap time and she was getting cranky and throwing everything I gave her to try to keep her entertained.

When the doctor finally called me in, her first question was that she noticed me waiting in the hallway and was I doing that because the room of people made me uncomfortable. She also proceeded to hand me a Kleenex because she saw me sweating. Oh my goodness—embarrassing, but it was anxiety related. So she saw my issues in person and told me she wanted to up one of my medicines if I was comfortable with it because she was confident it would help my social anxiety, but also told me to continue therapy to find ways to cope in these situations.

Meanwhile, baby girl wanted to run around her office and check everything out because that’s just her. I was trying to keep her close but the doctor said, just let her go—she’s fine. So she was going all over her office and trying to get in her papers, ripped a page in a children’s book, started to play with the mini-blind cords, and even went behind the doctor’s desk and right up to the doctor! So I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be worrying about what she was doing because the doctor told me not to, but I didn’t want her running around doing whatever so I was super nervous about that. The doctor didn’t care at all—but I was completely distracted and nervous. The doctor commented that baby girl is very inquisitive, happy, and active, which is a good thing, but keeps me on my toes—which she said was good for me because it will help me lose weight. lol…Anyways. She also told me my medication can also help me lose weight—so I will be pleasantly surprised if that does happen.

So by the time this appointment was done, I had given up any hope of going to Wal-Mart to look for a swim suit for my water aerobics class. I buckled baby girl into her car seat and then realized she had thrown her lovey blanket somewhere in the doctor’s office. There was no way I was going to try to live without that—so I unbuckled her and back into the office we went. Someone was talking to the receptionist, so we waited and waited. The receptionist quickly got the lovey and off we went….to Starbucks where I bought a nonfat caramel macchiato and a flourless chocolate cookie. Totally stress eating—and I would say that was the beginning. And then I got home and hubby told me he had to work late and I wouldn’t be able to make it to my first water aerobics class. I was disappointed and relieved all at the same time.

Now I know that I have written a novel, but I have more to say—lol.

Last night we had our bible study. Hubby had to work late again…but said he thought he could meet me there…and he did. As I’ve mentioned, I haven’t been feeling like myself and I need to learn that when I feel like that I should just stay home and “heal”, if you will. But I didn’t.

So there was a visiting couple there with a 6 month old. And this mom was completely relaxed and so was her baby. Just laying there and hardly making a peep. Baby girl has never acted like that in her life. So here she is chattering away and yelling and making her noises, throwing her toys, trying to climb all over me and hubby, and squirming to try to escape our arms so she can go climb the nearest steps (her latest obsession). She still takes a night time bottle and unfortunately I forgot it at home.

I saw this couple making sideways glances at us and at their parents. And I understand that I do not know what people are thinking but I think that I do…ha. So I was thinking that they were thinking (now that sounds crazy), “Wow, she is obnoxious…they really need to take her out. Why aren’t they taking her out…she’s distracting. We’re so much better parents than they are…just look, our precious baby is sitting so still and just staring at their wild child like he can’t believe his eyes. It’s probably because she’s formula fed”.

My thoughts get out of control. So hubby took baby girl out and I sat there and got very anxious to the point of tears, so I left the room and found hubby and cried. I told him I just couldn’t handle it and that I would take care of baby girl while he was in the bible study. He told me to take a Xanax, which I probably should have done before I got there.

While keeping baby entertained, she was starting to lose it. I tried to feed her Cheerios and she took a fistful and threw them all on the floor. She kept throwing her pacifier. I gave her a drink and she drank and drank and then started spitting water and she was soaking wet so I had to change her clothes.

Once the study was over, I rejoined the group and picked up all of the toys strewn all over. Finally baby girl could get down to walk around all she wanted to do was try to climb the stairs. So I stood up and held her. One man was joking with me and asked I was still having fun or if I was ready to give her away. I just laughed but I was thinking to myself, well actually I’m just now starting to have fun and unfortunately I never got to experience that before (a topic for another post). But I just smiled. And then another woman (a mother with older children) kind of sighed and said, “how are you?” and then said to baby girl “you are keeping your mama busy!”. And then I just started to lose it and started to cry so I said excuse me and went outside where I just started bawling. Thankfully, hubby had noticed and brought all of our stuff out and got us to the car and ready to leave.

It was just too much for me. And then I felt like I was back-tracking on the progress that I had made and I felt really disappointed. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just hormones or something.

I really feel like we have a unique child. I have a feeling that she is very smart (I know all parents probably think this…lol), and she is incredibly active and outgoing. The girl can whistle. If we sing the ABC’s, we sometimes catch her continuing the song, her “words” imitating the sounds of the letters. We get these little glimpses of what’s going on in her head and we are surprised! She definitely has a sense of humor.

I absolutely love her, but as her mother, I also understand her while people who are not around her everyday do not. So I’m afraid people might look on like, “what is up with her”, but they don’t really know her personality, etc. They don’t know that the only time she really acts out is when she is really tired, but otherwise she is a well behaved, sweet and funny little girl.

So while I wanted to begin the Couch to 5K this morning, I decided sleep was a better option for me at the moment. And I feel disappointed in myself for a variety of reasons. I’ve lost the energy that I had recently found. I have found myself wanting to curl up at home and not interact with anyone—except that we have company coming tomorrow night until Monday—whom I invited myself when I was feeling wonderful.

I actually called my husband last night and told him that I was too fat to leave the house…I know that sounds weird but it’s just my sense of humor and trying to express the way that I felt. I was sitting on the floor playing with baby girl and I saw myself in the mirror and I cannot believe how horrible I look. I am ginormous. I look like I sit around the house and eat Twinkies and entire pizzas by myself. I don’t do either, by the way, but no one else knows that—I just look like a woman who has absolutely no self control with food. And I probably am that woman.

I have been trying to tell myself that it’s OK that I am where I am. Most people do not know what I have been through in the last couple of years. They don’t know the battles that I have fought and that I am a SURVIVOR. A Warrior Mom. Even though right now, I feel like I have curled up inside my armor, laid down on the battle field clutching my sword with my shield resting over my body like a turtle shell.

I will get up again. The battle isn’t over yet.

Our First Family Bike Ride

We had a fun weekend camping for the first time this year and finally being able to be the active family that we want to be.

My goodness, the first camping trip takes a lot of preparation. We brought our camper home and I cleaned it, which didn’t take much time because I cleaned it really well last fall before we put it away for the winter. The hardest part was all of the packing and purchasing of essentials. It took SO much time—especially with the little one following me around.

And then we found out that baby’s new car seat doesn’t work in hubby’s truck so we ended up driving separate vehicles. It wasn’t a big deal but it’s harder to keep baby girl entertained when I’m alone. It was about an hour and a half drive. We just have to have some type of brake system installed in our Jeep and we’ll be good to go for the next time.

So we had all of that and then we arrived and found that the forecast had changed and there would be rain for the weekend—but it did all turn out to be ok. It rained at all of the right times and our plans weren’t interrupted. The rain made the air cool during the morning and afternoon—so that was a plus!

We camped at Lake Red Rock, which is near Pella, Iowa. I had never seen the lake before and it is a really beautiful area. Our campsite had an entrance to a great paved trail that wound through a gorgeous dense forest with huge trees and all kinds of wildlife. I’d say it was the prettiest trail we have ever biked on.

We got a bike trailer so that we can go biking as a family. Baby girl did really well and didn’t get fussy until the very end because she was tired and needed another nap.

We have a helmet for her but she was refusing to wear it. It will be non-negotiable in the future and I’m sure she will get used to it.

This trail was seriously hilly. There were quite a few times we had to stop and walk up the hills or we would make it to the top gasping for air and had to take a break. Really, the Fitbit registered us climbing 33 flights of stairs on this bike ride. Talk about getting back into biking by hitting a hard trail first thing! We haven’t biked in a couple of years since two years ago I was pregnant and last year I was struggling with just trying to get through the days as a new mom with postpartum depression. Both hubby and I aren’t in the shape we were two years ago either. Whew! It was a fantastic workout.

It was so peaceful on the trail. We saw and heard song birds. A fawn ran across the trail right in front of us. A chipmunk sat still on a log just a couple of feet away from us. A thousand cotton tailed rabbits bounced across the trail and into the deep green forest. Butterflies were everywhere—and a variety of them. Purple, yellow, and white wild flowers graced the trail edge. There were glimpses of the lake every so often, including a marina with sailboats resting on the waters.

I was reminded that biking is most definitely my favorite form of exercise. I love being out on the trails experiencing nature, getting my heart rate up, and feeling the breeze in my face.

We turned around when baby started to get fussy and storms were looming on the horizon. Poor hubby had a little mishap on a wooden bridge on the way back—it must have rained in that area and it was very wet and his bike slid over. He caught himself so he was ok. Thankfully, he told me to walk when I caught up to him. My bike kept sliding over when I was walking it across!

Biking has always been a favorite activity for hubby and me. I’m so happy that we will be able to continue this as our family grows. It was a little bit different with stops for diaper changes and snack time, not to mention hubby having to pull around another 30+ lbs. in a trailer!

Overall, the ride was about 10.5 miles and took us about 2 hours because of numerous stops. I was starving when we got back to our campsite. I was happy that I had planned ahead and brought delicious fresh fruit to snack on! It was so refreshing.

That evening hubby and I got to enjoy another campfire and kick up our feet!

As I mentioned I would, I tracked all of my points over the weekend. I did really, really well until yesterday. I ate 1.5 donuts and also had pizza! This was simply because of lack of planning—I was hungry on our drive and by the time we got home I didn’t feel like cooking and pizza just sounded amazing. I ended up using 3 extra points. I think I’ll be ok though because I will do well for the rest of the week.

I’m looking forward to our next family adventure!