It's My Life

Another thing that my therapist told me has stuck with me and is influencing my thoughts in a good way. I hadn't realized it prior to our conversation, but I very much rely on the approval of others. In other words, I'm a people pleaser.

That doesn't mean that I always do what other people want me to, but I will very likely worry about what the other people think of me--to the point where I question myself and my decisions. It becomes a little obsessive as I ruminate over whether or not I'm doing the right thing. 

Sometimes I want someone else to make the choices for me so that I don't have to. Or I'll ask someone's opinion but then get upset when they don't agree with me, because what I was really looking for was validation that my opinion was correct. I don't like the idea of not having approval--for whatever reason!

"You're in charge of your own life."

That sentence opened my eyes to my behavior. I'm in charge of my own life. I can do what I want, make the decisions that I want, and even if others disagree with me--it ultimately doesn't matter. It's my life. (of course I mean that with all respect to my husband because in some areas it's our life)

It has changed the way I think. I recently had a conversation in which I could tell that the other person didn't agree with something I was doing. In the past, that would have really bothered me and I would have had a pity party knowing that I wasn't getting their approval. But you know what? It didn't bother me one bit this time... because it's my life.

The only approval I need is God's. 

Why has it taken me 30 years to realize my behaviors? I have no idea. But I'm glad that I did.

Yep, this song came to mind!

Journaling

At my last appointment, my therapist recommended a new kind of journaling. She gave me these instructions. I finally had time to sit down and do this and I think it’s a great activity.

Writing has always been a great outlet for me. I haven’t been sitting down to write as much lately and I really need to start again. Tonight was beneficial in turning my thoughts around.

Basically, you pick an emotion that you’re feeling today. The instructions above give you a series of questions to write about which help you think through your emotion and make sense of it.

Today, I felt ashamed. I am ashamed of myself for many reasons—the top reason being how overweight I am. I wrote about these reasons.

By the end of the activity, I realized that while I may have imperfections and struggles—I have many positive attributes too. It comes down to what I’m focusing on.

It’s time to stop focusing on the negative and begin focusing on the positive!

Therapy is Hard: Binge Eating Disorder?

I had my second therapy session today for my “weight issues”. My first appointment went well and I had just started my nutritional plan. I had high spirits, was hopeful, and felt very much in control at that time.

Fast forward about four months to today where I found myself sitting in therapy with a completely different mental state. I felt defeated, powerless, disappointed in myself, and out of control. I was desperate for help—I needed help and I knew it.

My original plan was to keep going to therapy, but one thing after another happened and here we are four months later. Previously, I didn’t feel like I needed help. I was in the “high” of weight loss where I was seeing results and able to stay on track.

But at the beginning of February, I found myself back into the cycle that I always seem to find myself whenever I start any weight loss program. I was spiraling out of control and I still haven’t stopped. As of this morning, I am 9 lbs. above my lowest weight.

It is so hard to talk about things that I feel so ashamed about, but I was honest and I told her what has been going on in my head and the actions I have been taking which have led to weight gain and the downward spiral out of control. I can remember having this behavior back to middle-school, although I did have a weight problem prior to this. It is humbling and embarrassing to talk about it, even though I know that this is what she specializes in.

We talked about Binge Eating Disorder. While I have sometimes wondered if I have this issue, today confirmed it for me. In situations that feel “out of control” to me, I turn to food because it is something that I can control. It’s a temporary fix for every problem. It takes my mind off of whatever is bothering me—as my therapist said, “to avoid feeling emotion”.

That’s huge to me because it’s an explanation for my behavior. It’s also frightening. In order to develop a healthy relationship with food, and to get my weight under control, I will have to change the habits that I have developed over the years.

This means that I will not be able to turn to food to get me through whatever emotions I’m having that I don’t want to feel. It means that I will have to deal with the emotions. It means I absolutely have to let go of that crutch if I truly want to change.

Can I do it? Am I strong enough to do it? Do I truly want to change?

My first thoughts are that of fear and shame. Afraid of the struggles that I might endure trying to change. Ashamed that this is even a struggle for me. Afraid that this is one more coal to the “crazy person” fire that I have blazing over here. Afraid to admit that I have a problem.

Binge Eating Disorder is along the same lines as substance abuse. It makes sense that I might have an issue such as this because one side of my family has a long line of alcoholics. Food may just be my drug of choice. Perhaps I’m predisposed to such behavior—I have no idea.

We worked on an action plan titled, “This is how I can stop automatic negative thoughts that cause negative behaviors”. Once again, we’re back to controlling my thoughts.

The good news is that I have successfully accomplished being aware of my thoughts when it comes to my role as a mother (i.e. not allowing negative thoughts to make myself think I’m an inadequate mother, etc.— related to postpartum depression). If I could accomplish that, I can certainly accomplish this—I hope.

I have a plan. It will take a lot of introspection and work on myself to overcome this—but I just have to. I cannot live like this. My weight and food take up too much space in my thoughts and life and I’m tired of it.

I read over an article my therapist gave me about Binge Eating Disorder and it described me to a T. I probably shouldn’t admit that I read this article while having a “mini-binge”—I definitely knew I was eating for emotional reasons and yet I don’t try to stop myself because I know it will make me feel better temporarily. It’s hard to admit that. But there it is.

Anyways, sorry for the rambling post. I am glad that I’m back into therapy and I’m ready to put in the work—despite how afraid I am. I plan on updating you all on my progress.

Do you have Binge Eating Disorder? How did you conquer it? What are you doing to fight it?

Taking Action

Hello everyone!

I didn’t get around to posting about my weigh in on Friday because we were traveling back home from my parent’s in Illinois. But my weigh in was nothing to write home about. Actually, it was pretty horrific.

So I am taking action. I made an appointment with my therapist. I haven’t been back since that first appointment. I ended up canceling two appointments and never rescheduled. I feel like I’m at a point now where I need help.

I know it has to be possible to conquer this. I know that my program works and that I see incredible results when I actually do it. And it’s not even hard to do! I enjoy it. But I allow myself to eat “emotionally” and that destroys any hope of making progress.

If you’ve been reading for a while, you know that this has been an issue of mine since I was a child. I feel like this is the reason that I cannot lose weight and keep it off. I have never addressed the psychological side of why I eat and turn to food. So that’s what I’m trying to do by going to therapy.

I look forward to going again. When I was going for postpartum depression, I made a lot of progress with myself in regard to personal development. It’s really, really helpful and I highly recommend therapy.

Hubby and I completed a cleanse day from Friday-Saturday and then got off track again. So I am making a huge effort to get back to the basics today and remain strong. So far so good!

I am also going to get to the gym this week. It has been far too long! It seems like it has been one thing after another lately. Of course there were a few excuses in there too.

We have been sick so many times this year. It’s unreal. Baby girl was sick most of last week and hubby has been home sick this morning. I haven’t been feeling quite right either, but haven’t really felt incredibly sick.

Spring has certainly sprung! My tulips are up. The weather has been warm, although it is supposed to be rainy this week. I hope to get outside more soon and go for walks with Little Miss Sunshine.

That’s about all for now!

How are things going for you?

My New Plan Unveiled

I’ve decided to go ahead and tell you what the new program is that I’ve been so secretive about while I tried it for a bit. I’m really happy with it. I have hope and motivation for the first time in…I don’t even know when. But I want to do a little explaining first.

You’ve been along this journey with me and you know all of the struggles I’ve been having. It has done a number on my self-confidence and I have felt pretty hopeless.

For a little recap, I lost almost 90 lbs. on Weight Watchers, gained it back and more by the time I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression when the little one was 10 months old and have been struggling prior to that and after that.

Over the years, I have counted calories, tried clean eating, followed Trim Healthy Mama, Weight Watchers numerous times, Advocare, the Atkins Diet, South Beach Diet, and Metabolife. I have been dieting since I was in elementary school.

Most of these methods afforded me weight loss at some point—some more than others, but I never got to my goal on any of the programs. My previous endeavor at Weight Watchers was the time that I thought it would all “stick” and that I had truly changed my habits.

Unfortunately, I was wrong and as soon as I had high levels of stress in my life all of the weight came back on and I reverted back to my old habits—ones I’ve had since I’ve been a child. I had not “cured” myself, I was simply taking care of the side effects of my real issue by losing weight. All along I struggled with emotional eating.

 

My new plan has two parts that will complement each other.

Part One: The Plan

I heard about it a year and a half ago and brushed it off, not believing the rave reviews from friends—but I stayed a part of the Facebook group. Here we are a year and a half later and these ladies are still raving about it.

Last Friday, after not being able to get myself back on track (yet again)—I decided what I was doing was insane.

Trying to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results is insanity. And at that very moment I decided to join and stop WW for a while—I have since canceled WW.

I’m not saying WW doesn’t work or isn’t a good plan—I think it’s definitely a good plan and works for many, many people. However, I have also finally accepted that there is no “one size fits all” plan when it comes to weight loss and learning how to maintain weight.

That being said, I am trying something completely different and something that I would have (and did) scoff at in the past.

But it’s time to try something new and I won’t know the outcome unless I try. We’ll call it another endeavor, another experiment to see if this new way will work for me. So please hear me out and understand my perspective.

The new plan that both hubby and I are following is called Isagenix. We ordered one 30-Day Cleansing and Fat Burning System with the intent of each of us trying it for 15 days to see what we think because I was skeptical and pretty jaded.

The first day went well for me but hubby came home with a horrific headache and was ready to quit. Apparently, that is very common as the body gets rid of toxins. He decided he’d try another day.

On Day 2, we both felt fantastic. It’s really hard to explain. Of course we felt lighter, but we also felt that grogginess lift and I definitely have experienced more mental clarity and less brain fog. Part of this system is supposed to combat stress and fatigue—something we all know that I need.

I even noticed my skin looking better.

Anyways, the system is all natural and organic. You drink 2 shakes per day, eat 2 snacks, and eat one balanced meal that’s 400-600 calories. One day per week you do a cleanse—not a colon cleanse.

At this point, you’re probably about ready to give me a lecture. I know, I get it. I really do. But I’m also feeling the need to try something new, have some success, and get my life back again…I just have to try.

You have to remember that while many people gain back the weight with programs like this, many people also gain back the weight with other programs and ways of eating, including WW. But there are also some people who follow a plan like this, completely change their lives and the weight never comes back on. There are success stories as well as failures in every plan.

This plan will be paired with exercise, of course.

Both hubby and I have lost about 8 lbs. in 4 days (Monday through Thursday). My clothes are definitely fitting better, I have much more energy, and we’re both sleeping better (our Fitbits prove it!).

My plan is to lose the weight, fix the issues, and maintain when the time comes. Isagenix does have a plan for maintenance too. I have a lot of support from my family.

The next part should make you feel better if you are skeptical.

 

Part Two: Therapy

Today was my first session with a new therapist. At my Doctor’s Appointment, I asked to be referred to a therapist who specialized in disordered eating and my doctor promised to research and find the best one for me. And she did!

I absolutely love this therapist. She is so kind and understanding. She used to be a Stay at Home Mom and totally understands what that’s like. I just feel like I formed a better connection with her.

This session was more of a “get to know me” session. She summarized that she thought we needed to work on my “all or nothing” mentality, my perfectionism, low self-confidence, handling stress, and developing a support system that is here in Iowa. She recommended joining MOPS.

She told me to keep writing about what I’m going through and feeling—so you’re still on the hook for reading about my issues!

I don’t get to go back for about a month because of the holiday, etc. I have a homework assignment to come up with a list of things that I want more of and things I want less of. I love that I have an assignment because it makes me feel like I’m thoughtfully and intentionally working to better myself.

She saw that I was just “done” and willing to do whatever it takes to fix the mental issues so that I can finally lose the weight for good. I really feel like that’s the place where I’m at. I have just felt so hopeless and hit rock bottom this past year. I used to be too afraid to go to therapy for this, but I am finally ready.

 

So there you have it! This is what I’m doing and I’m glad I told you so I can start telling you all of the details along this new direction in my journey!

 

I ask that you please be kind in the comments. Please understand where I’m coming from and I also ask that you please be respectful. Your support would mean the world to me. Thanks!

Guest Post: I Don’t Have an Eating Disorder… or do I?

I am happy to have Christina as my guest writer today! She is a fabulous writer and I love her blog. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us, Christina!

Hello! My name is Christina and I blog over at Love Yourself Healthy. I live in New Orleans with my husband and 2 children, and I am thrilled to be writing a guest post for Alissa! When she first asked if I’d like to write a post for her blog, I immediately said “sure!” Coming up with a topic was a bit more challenging, but a few of her more recent posts inspired my topic for today: “I don’t have an eating disorder… or do I?”

It was April of 2014 when I first started to think that I might have a problem; not a simple, “Ijustlovefoodsomuch” problem, but an “I think I might need professional help” problem. I’d always struggled with my weight, and I’d jump on one weight loss bandwagon after another. I’d lose a little, then fall off the wagon, give up, and gain everything back and then some. Every one of these failures resulted in an epic loss of “willpower,” an all-out binge, and I’d start the cycle all over again.

I never knew there was a name for what I was experiencing—and until recently, there really wasn’t. Binge Eating Disorder (BED) was finally added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) as an “official” eating disorder in 2013. It is the most common eating disorder among US adults (surprised? Yeah, me neither).

(I would like add that it was very difficult for me not to go off on a wild tangent at this point, but I’ll save that for another day!)

According to www.BingeEatingDisorder.com, the symptoms of BED are as follows:

1. Regularly eating far more food than most adults would in a similar time period and in similar circumstances, and feeling that one's eating is out of control during a binge.
2. Binge eating episodes that include three of the following:
1. Eating extremely fast
2. Eating beyond feeling full
3. Eating a lot when not hungry
4. Eating in secret to hide how much is being eaten
5. Feeling terrible after a binge
3. Feeling very upset by eating binges.
4. On average, binge eating at least once a week for three months.
5. Unlike people with other eating disorders, adults with BED don't routinely try to "undo" their excessive eating with extreme actions like throwing up or over-exercising.

It is important to note that not everyone who binge eats has binge eating disorder (source). I’d experienced periods of binge eating all throughout my life, but I don’t think it was actually BED until maybe the year prior to when I actually got help. The triggering event was the loss of my job.

My job loss could be a whole post in and of itself, but the important part is this--it took a HUGE toll on my self –esteem and I felt like garbage. I started to believe that all the crazy things at my former job were actually my fault and that I was a horrible person and a terrible employee. We eventually had to sell our house and move to New Orleans for my husband’s new job, and after that I was certain that if I could just get a job, everything would be better.

After a year of unemployment, I did finally get a job, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I questioned everything about myself that I’d always thought to be true, and I didn’t trust my abilities. Through all of this, I continued eating through my feelings. Every negative thought was squashed with a candy bar. Every time I felt angry, I ate until I quite literally couldn’t eat any more. I have a lap band (it’s unfilled and I don’t utilize it anymore, but there’s still a limit on how much I can stuff myself), so I’d throw up a bit and then continue eating. Every feeling of sadness, of loss, of anger, of failure, was stuffed down until I couldn’t stuff myself any more.

The final straw came in April 2014. Easter candy was on sale and I went to the store and bought all kinds of candy and ate it in my car on my lunch break from work. I remember thinking, “Oh my God, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, but I can’t stop. I CAN’T STOP.”  And I finished every bit of it, tears pouring down my face.

I went back to my office and immediately joined Weight Watchers, and then I starting googling Weight Watchers blogs. Now, before that day, I’d never even heard the words “binge eating” or “binge eating disorder” in relation to what I’d been experiencing, but the first two blogs I came across were women who’d struggled with binge eating. That, of course, led me to more blogs and then I did some research and realized that I just truly needed help. I found a therapist who specialized in eating disorders (binge eating disorder was actually specified in her profile), and it took a few days but I was finally able to make an appointment.

That, my friends, was probably the single most important thing I’d ever done for myself. I saw my therapist weekly for a while, then moved to every other week, then once a month. Maybe 5 months in, she finally convinced me to meet with the nutritionist she worked with, and I’m glad I finally did that. (I was also going to my Weight Watchers meetings every week.) I did this for 10 months, and my “team” was amazing. I worked through so much, so many experiences, so many feelings I didn’t even know I had.

I still struggle—in fact, I’ve made an appointment to see my therapist next week. I still struggle with depression, with binge urges, but now I have tools. I have tools to use to help me fight off those urges, and I feel empowered. I learned that in a world full of things I cannot control, the one thing I can control is myself—how I react to different people or events, the food I put in my body. It’s all my choice, and I have the power to control these things—no one else.

If you think you might have a binge eating problem, don’t be afraid to seek help. It’s so hard to take that first step, but it’s so worth it once you do it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thank you, Alissa, for allowing me to share a bit of my story on your blog today!