Hangry

Yesterday was Day 1 and it went well! I didn't feel like I was dieting at all, but I did feel in control. It was a success.

Today has been a bit of a struggle! I'm so hungry! So far so good though. I decided to eat some boneless, skinless chicken for a snack since I figure the protein will help-- and it's 0 points with WW Freestyle SmartPoints. 

Perhaps I need to eat a little more fat too so I feel satiated, or cut down on the carbs at breakfast and get back to eating eggs-- which by the way are 0 Freestyle SmartPoints too! I need to boil some eggs to eat as snacks.

Are you following the new FreeStyle SmartPoints system? What do you eat regularly? I'd love some ideas!

Separating my Primal Urges from my Conscious Thought

So I'm thinking that I may need to have a sugar detox next week so that I can get rid of this sugar-crack cravings! They're been pretty bad. I'm sure it's also partly due to hormones, but still. I think it would help me keep on track.

I have noticed some binge like behavior that past few days-- which was my indication that maybe I was trying to be too restrictive with my choices. It's the whole brain chemistry thing-- when we tell ourselves that we can't eat something, it sends our primal brain into action because it thinks we need said food for survival. At that point, it really does become difficult to eat that food in moderation and a binge is more than likely going to happen.

So, I'm taking that knowledge and applying it. Say I really want some carbs for breakfast, but I've told myself that I shouldn't/can't eat them. Today, I tried something different. I ate a protein shake and ate a bagel with butter. Totally satisfied and not too crazy on the points values. I didn't have any cravings.

Compare that to yesterday when I told myself I couldn't have carbs for breakfast and all I could think about all day was eating sweets. And I did end up eating too many of them-- binge behavior, which in the end is completely counterproductive to the goal of losing weight... even though I think restricting is what I "need" to do.

The goal is to be able to listen to my body and know when I truly want to eat something and I'm not just eating it "because". Know what I mean by that? Something comes over my brain and makes me physically want to eat anything sweet and it's really not because I "want" the food-- it's the primal brain kicking in thinking it's helping me survive.

When I started feeling that way, I remembered to tell myself that "I have a choice". Just because the "primal" brain wants me to consume said food does not mean that the logical part of my brain (the real/conscious me) really needs or wants the food. It's like distinguishing between primal instinct (that are misleading) and conscious thought.

It's about progress, not perfection. Which is good because this week has definitely not been perfect!

First Weekend on Weight Watchers

This weekend opened my eyes to how bad my eating habits have gotten! It was definitely no secret that I wasn't eating right-- but tracking what I'm eating has been an eye opener. I have definitely been eating too many carbs and not enough fruits, veggies, and protein. I have been grabbing what's easy.

We went on a short road trip on Saturday and stopped to grab some coffee at McDonalds. When I looked up the points for the latte I ordered, I saw that it was 21 points. TWENTY-ONE! Can you believe that? So that really messed things up for me-- lesson learned!

I have a lot of work to do, but I guess that's the point!

Since my problem is primarily psychological-- I need to be very careful to not be hard on myself. That means giving myself grace when I fumble around in these first couple of weeks as I get used to developing good eating habits again.

Somehow, I've developed this inner voice that is self-depreciating whenever I do not eat "perfectly". It's like playing all of those negative and judgemental blog comments that I used to get in my head over and over.

Something that I learned from my binge eating program was about the repetitive cycle that goes on. Here is a graphic which explains it.

Does this sound familiar? This is exactly why I am trying to give myself grace. I have felt that anxiety building up about not "following the plan" properly. I tell myself that it's ok and that it's what I do 90% of the time that will make the difference. If I dwell on that 10% when I feel like I've "messed up" the plan-- then I will slide backwards.

The goal is to keep my eyes focused on the outcome and what I want to be instead of what I don't want to be!

What to do?

Are you enjoying the fall weather? It has been beautiful here! Those of you in Hurricane Mathew's path are experiencing some terrible fall weather-- hope all of you and yours are safe!

The last time I checked in about my weight loss struggles was September 27th, so I thought I'd check in again. Unfortunately, I don't have any wonderful news to report or anything. I haven't been on the scale though.

I was doing very well at making healthier decisions and eating more "real" food, but then I started slipping again. And then I got the stomach flu a few days ago and haven't eaten very much, and what I have eaten has been bland and filled with carbs! Mashed potatoes, toast, a bagel... that kind of thing.

At least I'm starting to feel better as the day goes on-- I'm on day 3. I'm in that mode where I want to clean everything, which always happens after I'm sick, but I find my energy wears down pretty quickly! The house realllyyyy needs to be cleaned too.

I've been trying a new tactic to get the house cleaned up. When everything seems overwhelming, I have 10-minute tidy sessions. Hubby joined me today and we cleaned/straightened as much as we could for 10 minutes. And we'll do that numerous times throughout the day. It seems to be working fairly well-- even Little Miss Sunshine helped a little because it makes it seem like a game.

I haven't been sure of what to write about lately. Maybe I'm not taking enough time to get into that creative space-- and I know I need to do that because it's good for me in so many ways and something that I really enjoy.

This blog has always had a weight loss focus-- in addition to other topics thrown in here and there. So I think that's part of what keeps me from writing. But I'm not giving up.

Lately, I have felt my weight begin to hold me back from living again. I find myself embarrassed of my size all of the time and constantly feel like everyone is judging me. I know now that it's probably not the case and anxiety can cause thoughts and feelings like this, but I still don't like that feeling.

I begin to avoid things. Sometimes I don't even want to go outside because I feel like I'm so fat that everyone will be judging me. It sounds like the dumbest thing ever when I put that out there! I definitely hold myself back because of my weight and I hate it.

Sometimes I think maybe I should join Weight Watchers again for the 500th time. The only thing holding me back is imagining what hubby would say! It wasn't that long ago that I decided I was going to give that a try again and I think I tracked my points like not even one full day. But that's my own fault, I'd need to make it mandatory.

Maybe I need to join, but start going to the meetings this time. I've been thinking about getting Little Miss Sunshine into day care for a day or half day so that she can interact with other kids-- she's so sociable and I know she would love it. It'd be really good for her and a great way to use up some of her energy. But that would give me time to go to a meeting if I wanted to.

I think I'd want to go to a center that's farther away. When you live in a small town, people get to know who you are. I'd rather not have more people notice me failing! What a terrible attitude to have.

It's hard to know what to do! I just know that I have to do something.

Doomed Forever?

I've been avoiding blogging for awhile-- partly because I've been super busy and partly because I don't like admitting where I'm at in this ongoing journey of mine. The simplest way to put it is that the cycle is still continuing.

However, this time it seems a lot worse. I weigh more than ever--- yes EVER. My weight is this continual struggle that I can never seem to get a real handle on. I'm so tired of it controlling my life, limiting me, consuming my every thought.

I know that I have to take responsibility for my role in getting myself where I am today. It's not all genes or a low metabolism-- I have contributed to it too. I can't grasp how quickly it gets all out of hand and how fast the weight comes on.

There is so much shame associated with being obese. It's absolutely humiliating to have lost weight and gained it all back and more-- multiple times. It's hard not to imagine the judgements that people make about me-- lazy, doesn't try hard enough, has no will-power, is weak minded, makes excuses, etc.

I wish I knew the answer. Is there an answer? Am I doomed forever to be obese? I can't be that kind of example for my daughter. She looks up to me, she loves me, and I cannot let her down in that way.

After stepping on the scale this morning, I made it my goal to eat more real food and drink more water today. I've done very well-- although maybe not 100% perfect. I hope to feel better soon. I set a small goal and when I reach it, I will do something for myself.

Honestly, I am feeling very hopeless right now. I feel stuck, trapped, imprisoned in a body that won't cooperate with me and a mind that abuses my body with food. I never would have imagined that this is where I would be today.

I turned 31 last Friday. While being in my 30s doesn't bother me anymore, it does bother me that I've wasted more time of my life not really "living". I am limited by my weight and the shame that surrounds it.

For once, I just want to be thin. I'm not giving up on it and I will make some hard choices to keep working towards getting there.

The Struggles Keep on Coming

I've come to the realization that I have a long way to go before I ever develop healthy habits involving food. There are so many ups and downs along this journey. I have never given up and I don't intend to, but I'd also like to make progress.

I can do really well for a short period of time and then everything comes undone. It makes me think about what my therapist has told me about having an all or nothing mentality. It's either perfect or it's not and I leave no option for just being "ok". Perfectionism and Binge Eating Disorder are actually linked.

But when I think about it, I don't feel like I'm a perfectionist. I don't ever feel like anything is good enough, there's always something that could be better and I'm often not motivated enough to make it better (or I procrastinate) so instead I worry and feel guilty about it. Maybe that is perfectionism...

I was listening to a Chalene Johnson podcast yesterday when she said, "You deserve the best, so why wouldn't you eat the best?". That really hit home for me.

Do I believe that I deserve the best?

If I do, then why don't I eat the best?

I find myself indulging too often. I'm all about indulging occasionally, but when it becomes a habit then it's no longer healthy in any way whatsoever.

It becomes like an obsession. I can't stop thinking about it, I will literally eat something in secret so that my hubby doesn't remind me that I shouldn't, and then that's followed by guilt.

Sometimes I feel like my out of control eating has been worse than ever lately. It goes in spurts though. I'll do wonderfully, followed by a short period of eating horribly and indulgently.

I keep telling myself that it's just an indulgence, and that's just life-- sometimes there will be indulgences. But like I said before, there are too many of them.

Maybe I'm not mindful enough. The journey seems so long and the goal so far away that I lose sight of the impact the choice that I'm making in the moment will have on the outcome. That's tough. I'm being too short sighted.

Anyways, thanks for reading my ramblings. Any thoughts?

It's all in your head

At a conference in Chicago last week, I learned a strategy to pick myself up in those times when I'm feeling especially unmotivated. Our thoughts have so much power over us and the great thing is that we can control our thoughts. It takes practice and mindfulness, but it can be done.

It simply means taking a negative thought and switching it around to a positive one. Susan Sly shared this strategy and I found it so helpful that I had to share with you all.

The Concept

• Circumstance: This is an irrefutable truth.

• Thoughts: Anything you can change.

• Feelings: Our thoughts are catalysts for our feelings.

• Activities: Our feelings are dictated by our activities.

• Results: The outcome.

The Application

Here is an example of how this works. You begin with how you are currently feeling & thinking. This is an example of how I was thinking and feeling this morning.

Circumstance: I'm overweight and out of shape which takes a toll on me emotionally. I've recently found my mojo again and am doing well. I woke up tired and moody not wanting to work out.

Thoughts: I'm tired and I want to keep sleeping. I'm going to fall back into bad habits and never become the person that I want to be. I always fail.

Feelings: I feel guilty for not wanting to get up and work out. I begin to feel discouraged and disappointed in myself that I can't seem to stay motivated.

Activities: I sit in bed and scroll through social media.

Results: I end up feeling discouraged, moody, and disappointed in myself.

Shift Your Paradigm

For the second part of this activity, you will switch your thought pattern to change your results.

Circumstance: I'm overweight and out of shape which takes a toll on me emotionally. I've recently found my mojo again and am doing well. I woke up tired and moody not wanting to work out. (remember this is an irrefutable truth so it does not change.)

Thoughts: If I'm going to change and become the person that I want to be, I have to be consistent in my efforts even when I don't feel like it. I'm not going to be super motivated and excited every day, that's just the way it is. Change is possible.

Feelings: I begin to feel motivated and hopeful. Maybe I can do this after all. I know I'll feel better after working out.

Activities: I get out of bed and go to the gym to workout.

Results: After a couple of minutes on the treadmill I'm feeling much more inspired. I actually get in a longer workout than usual. I took the time to get a massage on the Hydro Massage Bed just so I could be good to myself. 

As you can see, the results are so much better because I took action and changed my thoughts. I am going to try to use this strategy whenever I feel like quitting, bingeing, or going off track.


What thought processes can you change around?

Inspiration Sunday

How to Handle with Food Pushers

You’re doing great on your diet and losing weight, carefully avoiding your trigger foods—the ones that you can’t seem to control yourself around—and then suddenly a co-worker is shoving rich and delicious treats in your face.

A simple, “No, thank you” doesn’t satisfy the food-pusher and you’re faced with either saying “No” a second time (goodness knows saying “No” the first time was a struggle), or you end up giving in and taking a guilt filled bite and more than likely end up eating two or three.

It’s hard. It really and truly is hard to say no to those foods that got you fat in the first place. If you were good at refusing those foods, you wouldn’t be battling your weight! It’s a tough battle.

I successfully spent a number of years in an office setting where probably 90% of the employees were morbidly obese (including myself). You can about imagine the foods that popped up around the office—donuts, pizza, Chinese food, candy, cupcakes, Italian food, fried chicken, you name it and I saw it in that office.

As a side note, strictly for entertainment’s sake, Food wasn’t allowed in the cubicles and some employees even hid McDonald’s value meals in their desk drawers and snuck bites when the boss wasn’t looking. There was forever a phantom smell of french fries in the air, and sometimes much worse smells when said employees forgot about their concealed value meal and left for the weekend.

Oh the stories I could tell, but I digress.

Here are a few tried and true tips for how to handle food pushers.

Explain Yourself

Sometimes you don’t want anyone to know about the fact that you’re on a diet. There are a myriad of reasons for this, but I’m going to tell you right now that it’s a good idea to just let go of your pride and admit that you’ve got goals and you’re going somewhere.

Most people are completely understanding and supportive. I found that when food was brought into the office, many people would offer me the food to be polite and say something like, “I know you’re dieting, but I didn’t want to leave you out”. In such a situation, it’s easy to say “No” because others know about your goals and that helps hold you accountable.

It doesn’t make having to watch your co-workers chow down on delicious foods much easier, but you’ll feel better about yourself afterwards—I promise.

Be Prepared

Keep some healthy snacks in your desk drawer. If need be, when the food pusher is making the rounds—just tell the person that you just ate said healthy snack and you’re just not hungry. Remember, the first tip and explain yourself.

You could even make the food pusher feel sorry for you a bit. Just indulge them—“I’d love to eat that because it looks so good, but I’m on a diet and it’s important to me that I keep on track. I’ll munch on these carrots instead”, and give the food pusher your best pout face. Make it a joke, and the person will likely move on.

Avoid Eye Contact

I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I often utilize this technique to avoid interactions. People don’t usually talk to you unless you make eye contact.

For example, hubby is notoriously pursued by salespeople because he is just too friendly and makes the mistake of making eye contact with everyone he walks by. I tend to avoid eye contact at all costs and usually avoid the situation entirely.

This is a fairly easy one to do in the office without seeming rude. If you’re at your desk—become engrossed in your work. Pretend that you don’t even notice the food pusher making the rounds. Pretend that you’re on the phone and can’t talk. For goodness sake, just don’t make eye contact!

Compliment the Food Pusher

Food pushers don’t usually have bad intentions, even if it might feel like they’ve dedicated their lives to sabotaging your diet. They’re usually the type of people that like to make people happy by feeding them. People love food, hence why you and I are on a diet.

Let the food pusher know that you see the effort they’re making and you think it’s really great. Tell them they are so kind and thoughtful and you really appreciate the gesture, but “No, thanks”. The food pusher will be so absorbed in the compliments that they’ll have received the gratification needed and will move on.

Be Firm

If it comes down to it, you might have to firmly tell the food pusher no, and while you mean no disrespect, please don’t offer these foods to me any more. Let the food pusher know what a difficult struggle it is for you to say no and that you would really appreciate it if they did not force the food upon you. Being firm complements well with complimenting the food pusher.

Accept the Food

If the food pusher does not give up no matter what you have said or done, you may just have to take the food to get the person off of your back. Accept the food and give it to a co-worker or throw it in the trash. Just get rid of it.

How do you handle food pushers?

Update on my plan, psychiatrist visit, and life in general

It probably won’t come as much of a surprise that I have failed miserably at sticking to my new Simply Filling plan. But I’m still on board with following the plan.

This holiday weekend brought a series of unplanned events and outings and I ended up going way off track. Pizza, donuts, ice cream, cookies, pancakes…yikes. I felt horrible by the time the weekend was over.

But I have seen improvements in my food choices overall—not including those parts of the weekend where I was way off track. I went grocery shopping and did not buy any “junk” foods. The contents of my cart looked much healthier!

On Friday night, hubby told me to take Saturday and go out and enjoy some alone time. I don’t know why, but I was nervous about it and felt guilty. But once I was out the door and on the road I felt much better about it.

It is AMAZING what a little bit of alone time can do. This was my first outing by myself since baby was born. I cranked up my music and sang in the car, did a little shopping, ate lunch in the car, went to Barnes & Noble and sat at the Starbucks drinking an iced latte and eating a cookie while reading my book, and finally I went grocery shopping—ALONE.

By the time I got home, I felt so refreshed. I was able to be the patient and loving mother and wife that I want to be. I really needed a break—I see that now and so does hubby. Even baby girl seemed happier after having some quality time with daddy. I think we both needed a little break from each other!

Sunday, hubby’s dad invited us out for Chinese. And then that evening we all left on a little road trip to meet some of hubby’s relatives. That was completely unplanned.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I explained everything to her. I don’t feel like she really hears me. I feel like I’m being rushed in and pushed out sometimes. She tells me the exact same things every single time. She asks me questions that I answer the same every single time. She obviously does not look at my file before seeing me and I find that frustrating.

Anyways, she tells me that of course I have chemical based depression and that means that I don’t have enough serotonin. But how does she know that’s what’s causing my symptoms? She’s just guessing. I tried to explain everything that happens, etc. and her answer is to up my anxiety meds and doubled my Xanax and told me to take it before I get anxious. Ummm? How am I supposed to know beforehand that I am going to be too anxious for my own health?

She says the buzzing feeling in my arms and my legs is the anxiety. She asks me abruptly, “Why do you feel like that?”—Well, I don’t know! That’s the point. Isn’t that exactly what depression and anxiety are? You have thoughts and feelings and you don’t know why or how to stop them. You’d think a psychiatrist would know that. Something isn’t quite right and I want to figure out what isn’t right before I just keep taking more and more medications.

I told her how it was like a flip of a switch for me and the depression comes on suddenly and can last for days or for weeks. Her response, “we all have times we feel sad, even on the medications”. DUH. There is a big difference between feeling sad, and feeling like you want to die, lacking all energy, crying all the time, feeling like a dark cloud surrounds you, and feeling hopeless. I know what it feels like to have a bad day—and what I feel is not just a bad day. But she doesn’t seem to hear me. Maybe it’s time to find a new psychiatrist.

Anyways, baby girl came down with a 102 fever yesterday afternoon. Poor baby. She went to bed last night at 6:30 and is still sleeping this morning at 10 a.m.! That’s a sure sign she doesn’t feel well. I’m glad she is resting though because that’s the best medicine. Hopefully it’s short lived.

Weigh in Day Surprise: The Journey of Renovation in Weight Loss and Self-Love

I really messed it up this past week. I mean really badly. I was out of control with my eating.

I think it’s because I have been stressing about having a guest today. I’m feeling a lot better at the moment because I finally finished cleaning the entire house, with the exception of our bedroom—which will be my next project. I mean really and truly clean—hardly hiding any messes! You know what I mean? ha

I also have been pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in some relationships. I am a work in progress and I am seeing change in myself that I thought would never, ever happen. And it’s rewarding to me. It has brought me peace of heart in a way that I cannot explain. But it has been a little stressful for me—but as I keep going, it will get easier and more comfortable.

But anyways, I was expecting a gain this morning. I feel horrible. I look horribly bloated from the terrible food choices (sugary sweets). I don’t know how I did for points because I stopped tracking, once again.

In the midst of all of this, I am paying attention to how I am feeling, how I’m reacting, and I’m journaling it all. I just know I am going to conquer this lifelong demon that I have let control me (a part of myself without good judgment).

So get on with already, Alissa!

I lost 2.2 lbs. this week. Total loss of 9.4 lbs. I didn’t earn it in the least bit, but I’m going to take it and let it motivate me to do better.

Now that I think about it, I have made some positive changes and progress that doesn’t show on the scale but that I think will help me in the long run. I’m in the midst of transformation and renovation.

Everyone knows that a cocoon isn’t very beautiful, but the butterfly is.

When an old building is renovated, there’s a lost of dust, junk, and a lot of mess. But when an old building is renewed, it’s sometimes even more beautiful than it was in the first place.

This process is messy. It’s ugly. It even hurts sometimes.

But just like when I don’t have the energy to truly clean the house and it’s easier to just hide messes, I refuse to just hide my problems and struggles so that I don’t have to acknowledge them.

Not this time.

Not ever again.

I’m under construction right now, but after a lot of hard work and dedication (not just on the scale) I will be transformed into something more beautiful than ever before.

The walls I’ve built up will come down. The junk will be emptied out of the drawers (and my trunk - ha). I will be renewed and ready to face down those demons once and for all.

But for now, I am still a work in progress.

A History of Emotional Eating, Introspection, and Journaling

As a start to my therapy to find out why I struggle so much with emotional eating, I have been journaling when I eat and I know I’m eating for emotional reasons and not because I’m actually hungry.

I am ok with eating when I’m just enjoying a moment where food is involved—like enjoying a s’more or a delicious meal with family. I know that these occasional indulgences are not the root of my problem—it’s the overeating, or perhaps the bingeing, that I do in response to emotions.

Journaling has been eye opening. If you’re a long time reader, you know that I used to journal my food every day via pictures here on my blog. I would talk about a lot of things that happened throughout my day and how I was feeling. But the type of journaling that I’m doing now is much different and it is helping me become aware of what it feels like when I want to eat/binge on chocolate. Chocolate seems to be my drug of choice.

Here is how I was feeling before I decided to eat whatever food I was eating for emotional reasons within the past week:

emotionally drained, tired, overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, hormonal, anxious, frustrated, stressed, and feeling judged.

Now that I’ve been paying attention, I can literally feel it coming on. My entire body becomes tense, I feel tired, and the only thing I can think about is getting that sugar fix. Literally, I cannot get it off of my mind. And sometimes I feel better after eating something, but most of the time I don’t and it leads to a downward spiral.

This is certainly not something new and sugar/chocolate has not always been my fix. I can actually pinpoint exactly when chocolate became my drug of choice.

It began when I was 18 years old and was working a summer in Branson, MO and living with my aunt and uncle. I was working my first job. I was trying to come out of my shell and make friends, etc. It was so incredibly stressful for me, which now I understand is simply because I am an introvert (for the most part). I would have been better suited finding friends who enjoyed talking about literature and current events—but those are hard to find and I didn’t know at that time really who I was.

One day after work, I sat in the living room and I started eating Cadbury fruit and nut bites. Of course, I thought they were kind of healthy because they had fruit and nuts—ha. My aunt came home (she also has weight issues), and saw my pile of wrappers on the end table and asked me if I had eaten all of them.

I was shocked when I looked over and saw how many I had eaten. Probably 15 pieces or so. It was completely mindless. Maybe that’s why I felt like I needed it—it was like an escape from everything I was feeling. All I had to focus on was the rich, creamy chocolate melting in my mouth and sending my endorphins into overdrive. In those moments I felt better.

I remember shrugging it off and telling my aunt that it wasn’t a big deal. I believe she warned me about diabetes, something that she suffers from. But her attitude was judgmental and it hurt. I felt so much shame. After that, I would use one wrapper and crumple up the wrappers into little pieces and stick them inside the one wrapper so no one could see how many pieces I had actually eaten if they happened to see wrappers in the trash can. Now I see how that is disordered eating and probably considered bingeing.

Prior to those days, my drug of choice was anything that was junk food.

Middle school was incredibly stressful for me. Now I know that I have probably suffered from anxiety pretty much my entire life, but I didn’t know that then. Other kids made fun of me because I was larger than they were. I was awkward in my gym uniform and even less coordinated in sports. I hated changing clothes in the locker room. I hated putting on my swimsuit on my overweight body and having to swim with my entire class while we were in our swimming unit of the curriculum. I hated the laughs as the water splashed when I was required to jump off of the diving board. I was bullied by teachers. I could hardly fit in the small desks. I was painfully shy and would lose all train of thought if called upon in class, making me look like an idiot.

That’s a lot for a 13 year old.

I wouldn’t eat lunch at school because I was too embarrassed to eat in front of people. This meant I would be starving after school and usually have a headache. I would go home and eat anything I could find that wasn’t healthy.

I specifically remember a time when we had a guest at our house. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating and reading the comics from the newspaper—I yearned for this moment every day. I was eating an entire can of vegetable soup and eating bbq chips straight out of the bag.

I kept eating, and eating, and eating.

This guest took the bag of chips and closed it and put a clip on it, saying I had probably eaten enough. This made me angry and embarrassed. I reopened the bag and continued to eat them because well, she wasn’t the boss of me. But now I can see that she saw something that I was not able to see—disordered eating. I don’t know if she judged me for just eating too much, or if she really saw that I was eating for the wrong reasons. I don’t know. But I do know that it hurt. And I continued to feel ashamed.

These habits have never left me. When the going gets tough, I reach for food. When the mountain gets too steep, I stuff chocolate in my mouth. When I am sad, anxious, angry, stressed, or tired—I turn to food.

I have not talked about these events since the day they happened. I am doing a lot of introspection and am finally seeing the error of my ways and I want to change. Right now, I am just tracking what I am doing without really working through stopping myself quite yet. I want to figure out what’s triggering the eating first. I do use some self-control here and there, so it’s not like it’s a free for all. But I know my signs and I know when I’m eating for the wrong reasons.

I’m not quite sure what the overall point of this post is, other than to just express and admit some of my issues with emotional eating. There are so many emotions attached to food and it’s unhealthy for me. I hope that somehow I can get to the bottom of this and learn how to cope in a healthier way.

 

Can you relate to my eating issues? What has been your experience?

Self-Love < Cookies

Hello everyone!

I had a relaxing weekend camping and napping. It was just what I needed and I’m feeling much better today. It was so hot and humid outside that we spent most of our time inside the camper with air conditioning, so I’m not sure you would actually call that camping…! ha

I packed a lot of healthy food for us this time and it definitely made me feel better! However, we went to Chili’s for a meal and I convinced myself to order a salad because it would be better for me but I didn’t look at the points until afterwards! It was 38 points. I just couldn’t believe it. So that pretty much did me in for my points. Lesson learned—look up the points prior to eating!

Anyways, I’m back to counting the points today and hopefully I can undo some of the damage before Friday! Overall, I’m proud of myself for the improvements for most of my food choices—but there’s still room for improvement!

I did a lot of thinking this weekend about my next step. Talking about all of this in therapy has me wondering if my core issue is that I do not respect or love myself enough. Hence, I sabotage myself and make poor choices over and over again.

I think that a great plan of action would be to consider the impact of my choices before making a choice. Instead of thinking “I hate my body. I need to lose weight and because of this I’m going to eat a salad for lunch even though what I really want is sugary cereal”, I will think “Because I love myself and care about my health, I’m going to eat this nutritious salad for lunch because I know it’s what my body needs”. Make sense?

This way of thinking will help me to place value on myself rather than on food. I will learn to love and respect myself more than I love eating cookies. That sounds kind of weird—like I’m a cookie monster or something! But that’s really the choice that I’m making when I choose to overindulge in cookies—I want cookies more than I want to meet my goals and take care of myself.

I’m sure this sounds pretty easy to anyone who does not have issues with disordered eating. I’m starting to learn that maybe this is my problem. I never wanted to admit that I was a binger, but maybe I am. I am continuing to look inward to reach the very core of my issues so I can finally get to the bottom of my weight problems. It’s going to take a lot of work.

Seriously, just today I thought, “eating oatmeal would be something I could do to show love and respect for my body. Nah, I’d rather eat cereal.” So somehow I am going to have to want to meet my goals more than I want to eat or receive whatever comfort I receive from food.

Any tips for me as I attempt this?

My Journey: Therapy for my Emotional Eating Habit

A few years ago, the thought of talking to someone about my emotional eating tendencies would have scared me enough that I would have never considered it. And I never did, until now.

I hit rock bottom this year, thanks to postpartum depression. Because of that, I was more than willing to go to therapy to work through my emotions and learn the coping skills that I so desperately needed to simply function and overcome the anxiety that I had developed. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still haven’t completely recovered. It’s a process that takes time and a lot of work.

I had a therapy session yesterday where we talked about how I feel like my hubby and baby girl deserve someone much better than me. It was the hardest session that I’ve had yet and it made me realize how deeply I have shoved my emotions into my heart.

We focused on how I feel like my hubby deserves a woman who has it more together. Someone who doesn’t have all of my issues. Someone who is fit, thin, and beautiful. Someone the opposite of me. And once again, it all came down to  poor body image, intense feelings of shame & guilt, and not loving & accepting myself.

We talked about my pregnancy and how I never really got to enjoy it because I was always worried about my weight and felt like I was ugly & huge. I never got to experience really having a “baby bump” because I already had a plump figure. No one could even tell that I was pregnant—it just looked like I was getting fatter and fatter.

I told her about something my doctor did to me in the last few weeks of pregnancy and the emotions and shame swept over me like it had just happened again. I sobbed. My heart is still broken over that and I never took the time to heal and come to terms with the experience, which is why I still feel the pain of it so strongly. I feel like it is finally time to blog about that experience so that I can finally heal. I’ll share that when I have the time & gain the courage.

It all came down to my weight, my negative body image, and my negative self image—once again. And I believe that may be the root of my problem. I don’t love myself. I absolutely hate myself. That didn’t just happen over night but it has been a lifelong accumulation of negative self talk, and believing what any person said about me like it was the gospel truth. It’s because of a lack of confidence. It’s a feeling of unworthiness.

My therapist seems fairly religious and I am thankful for that because she brings insight into how God might view my situation. Her thoughts cause me to think differently about my experiences and it helps to spin a more positive light on my situation.

My biggest take away from this appointment was that God created me and He knows that I am not perfect and that I will never be perfect. But if I am living my life trying to become what would please God, then that is enough. He loves me, despite the fact that I am imperfect.

Maybe I don’t have the perfect body and I struggle with my weight. Maybe I have postpartum depression. Maybe I am not perfect. But because of these physical & emotional imperfections, great things have been done in my heart.

If was had been born with a perfect body and no eating issues, I would never have been able to understand what it’s like to be bullied & belittled and maybe I would never have had the empathy that I have now. I never would have needed this blog as an outlet. Perhaps the entire course of my life would have changed, and quite honestly—I have a pretty good life the way it is.

Life may have been a lot less complicated and easier if I had not been predisposed to postpartum depression. But if it had never happened, the restoration that is occurring in my heart and soul would never have happened. Once again, it has helped me to have empathy and compassion for others.  It has caused me to seek out God more earnestly. The experience has improved my marriage and brought us even closer together. And it is because of this experience that I am even beginning this journey of therapy to address the issues that have lead to my weight problem.

How can I have shame about my perceived imperfections when these are the very tools which have molded me into who I am?

How can I expect to attain perfection when God has created me knowing that I will be imperfect, and yet loves me anyway?

These questions are like the effect of the warmth of the rising sun on a densely foggy morning—they dissipate the fears and bring clarity to the distant horizon. It’s a start. I can see my goal, but the road to get there is still long and winding.

My mission for the next couple of weeks is to begin to track my emotions when I “go off track” or when I am eating for reasons other than hunger. I stopped at Target and bought a little notebook that I will keep in my purse. And wouldn’t you know that my first entry is: ate a chocolate chip cookie from Starbucks because I was emotionally drained after therapy.

It is amazing how physically draining emotions can be. After the appointment, I never did get my energy back. I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. I feel better after a good night’s sleep.

This was my first therapy session where we discussed how I need help with the psychological reasons of why I am overweight. She told me this is something that we can work on. And that gives me hope. By journaling, she believes this will bring insight into why I am overeating, etc. and then we can go from there.

And so this is only the beginning.

Weigh in Day & Food Boredom

It was pretty horrible and I expected it to be while hoping that it wouldn’t be. I gained another 1.7 lb. So now I am up 2.8 lbs. from my lowest.

While I did super well last week and had a gain, I did not do so well this week. I got through the 4th of July just fine, tracking all of my points and even walked a 5k. And then I woke up Sunday morning feeling overwhelmed and exhausted which led to stress and emotional eating. Totally guilty.

The problem is that I stopped tracking again. Why do I do that? I can’t seem to break the “needing to start again on Monday Friday” mindset. Ugh—I am a train wreck in pretty much every single way right now.

I know that change is 100% up to me. I want to change but I need to start creating new habits. Emotional eating has been a part of me for as long as I can remember—I can’t just say “stop emotional eating”, but I need to replace it with something. I am going to follow my counselor’s advice this week and when/if I feel the need to eat for reasons other than hunger, I will snack on carrot sticks or apples. It’s hard to gain weight eating those.

It also seems that when I am feeling like I do when I begin to eat my emotions, I just don’t care. I lose all ability to think logically and I just want some chocolate. I actually bought chocolate when I had to run into the store on Sunday, when I was feeling especially emotionally drained. Perhaps it’s like an addiction and I’m just craving that rush of feel good hormones. Maybe I should go to rehab. ha.

Lately, I open the fridge and can’t stand the thought of eating a spinach salad even though I bought the spinach in hopes that I would eat it. Ever since I was pregnant I have found salads disgusting. Well, I should say that I find salads that I make disgusting. I love eating at a salad bar or eating a salad made by someone else but the thought of eating a salad that I’ve made at home makes me want to gag. And I used to love salads and it’s one way that I made sure to eat healthy at lunch time.

I cannot stand ranch dressing ever since I followed Trim Healthy Mama and ate it all of the time because a certain brand of ranch was one of the few approved salad dressings. I have tried buying iceberg lettuce to see if maybe I just didn’t like spinach anymore and that still didn’t work. I should try boiling eggs and get some flavorful and healthy salad toppings that I would like. What a conundrum!

I am just bored with my food lately. Nothing sounds good. I stock up the house with healthy foods every week but I am struggling to figure out what to cook at meal times. All I really want to eat lately is cereal. Literally, I had cereal for supper last night. I could force myself to eat certain things but I’m not sure that is the answer either.

The meal I enjoyed the most last week was a grilled chicken sandwich and side salad at Culver’s. The salad was delicious because I didn’t make it, I guess. Plus I really love their French salad dressing. But anyway, I could make both of those things at home.

My method of cooking has always been that when we get hungry I cook something up. It didn’t matter how long it took, we just waited until it was done and ate. However, it seems like baby girl gets hungry way before hubby and I do or long before hubby gets home. So then I’m rushing to get something healthy together for a fussy baby and then we end up eating the same things over and over again.

I need to plan better and prepare our meals earlier so they are ready. Or maybe I need to start feeding baby girl a snack. Right now she typically just eats her three meals per day. Either way, I think it comes down to planning.

So anyways, this was just a free write of my thoughts. I’m disappointed in myself (again). I wish I could just rewind to the person I was when I lost almost 90 lbs. Apparently, I’ve picked up some bad habits since then—again.

I have not thrown in the towel though. I’m not giving up on myself.

Chocolate Covered Emotions

“Life is like a box of chocolates,

you never know what you’re gonna get.”

-Forrest Gump

I have been trying to create the right mindset for this journey because I think it is essential for lasting results. This takes a lot of emotional work and I feel like I am ready to do this—simply because I hit absolutely rock bottom and I want nothing more than to climb out of the pit and to soar far above it.

I firmly believe that those of us who are severely overweight are so because of underlying emotional issues and not because we just love food so much that we can’t stop eating. Food is our drug. It helps us escape. We eat to try to fulfill a need that is not being met and, for me, I believe that it’s because of the way that I think—my mindset.

I live in a constant state of guilt, shame, anxiety, and self-criticism. I take everything quite personally and I feel very much. I don’t know that this is necessarily a bad trait because I think that analytical thinking and introspection are good things—they make me who I am. But I need to learn to harness that way of thinking so that it doesn’t lead to self-destruction.

My therapist taught me a skill that I have found very useful in making peace with things that have happened in my past that my mind wants to frequently remind me of and make me feel hurt and ashamed. This same skill can be used for current situations and the more I practice it, the better I will become at it.

For example, I had a teacher in middle school who basically bullied me. As a 13 year old, I didn’t understand that what he did was absolutely unacceptable but instead I took on shame and embarrassment. I am going to save the specifics of this for another post, but I will share how I have learned to start to heal from this experience.

1. How did it make me feel? I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and it made me hate myself.
2. What is the logic? I was just a child and so I thought like a child. This was not my fault. Apparently, this teacher had issues of his own which he took out on me.
3. What is the lesson? We all have luggage and we carry around our pain. However, taking it out on other people is wrong. It’s even more wrong to be in a leadership role as an adult and to belittle those under our leadership or power—especially a child. It’s never ok to belittle another to try to fit in with the “cool kids”. Always respect the feelings of another.

When I analyze my thoughts and my mindset, I can change the way that I think about the situation and this brings me peace. I am carrying around memories of a 13 year old girl, but if I can think about those memories as the 29 year old woman that I am—I can bring wisdom to these memories and instead of guilt, I have more wisdom about life. Instead of shame, I can be thankful for the fact that I survived the experience and proud because I learned from it and even though it was painful, it has played a small part of who I am today.

My goal is to apply these three questions to whatever experience is causing me to want to eat. The overall logic of every situation that pushes me to emotional eating is that eating is not going to fix the emotional problem but it will probably make me feel worse. Essentially, I have to process what I am feeling instead of stuffing it inside and trying to cover it with chocolate.

No more chocolate covered emotions. Instead, I will refine the emotion until I can make a pure nugget of wisdom, the fruit of life.

Vulnerability & Blogging: Thank You

I’ve been reading a few blogs where the writer has talked about vulnerability and how they had to make the choice as to whether or not they were brave enough for it. My favorite bloggers are the ones who are honest and real about their lives. It’s evident in their writing because there are no fake undertones and they write about the good, the bad, and the ugly that is normal life for all of us. They make themselves vulnerable—and I am sincerely grateful for that.

Thanks to social media, we present our best selves, filtered pictures, and life’s perfect little moments. We all know that we also have plenty of moments that are messy, chaotic, and dysfunctional—but most people don’t share those moments because there isn’t always the need to “hang it all out on the line”. But many of us who blog do so for a specific purpose—writing for connection. I know I’ve breathed a sigh of relief when I read about someone else’s life that is just as crazy and overwhelming as mine feels to me.

For the most part, I have found that making myself vulnerable through my writing and on this blog has been rewarding for me. It is incredibly rewarding to hear comments along the lines of “me too” in response to a heartfelt blog post. It makes me feel less alone in the experience and in the struggle.

This connection is what fuels the fire—the ability to help others feel understood, to put into words what others may be feeling but cannot describe, to offer hope, and most importantly to reach the heart of others to find the common themes of our existence. At least that’s what fuels my fire.

Vulnerability is a choice and it opens us up to potential hurt. It’s a risk we take and if you’re a blogger like me, every time we hit that publish button we wonder if anyone will connect with the words we poured our hearts into. If the readers will be able to get insight into our “pain” or “experience” even though they have never experienced it. Sometimes we get comments and other times we’re left in our insecurity thinking that no one understood what we were trying to convey.

We all have our pains, heartbreaks and struggles. Just because one person’s pain is not another’s does not lessen that of either one. All pain is valid. It’s my experience and my truth. It’s your experience and your truth. We should use this for connection instead of criticism.

While we may not fully understand the pain of another, we can learn empathy for another’s pain by stepping into their world through each word, sentence, paragraph and post that they share. And that’s how we find connection.

If the world lacked those who would make themselves vulnerable, can you imagine how disconnected we would all be? Being vulnerable takes courage, but that doesn’t mean that those of us who bare our souls to the world are bullet-proof.

I’m not really sure if I’m getting my thoughts across, but I guess what I’m saying is that we need to be respectful of each other. We have the opportunity to see into the souls of others through blogging and that’s a privilege that we have been given due to the courage of the writer.

Thank you to those who have lifted me up through your words (whether blogger or reader), those of you who have shown me that I am not alone in my struggles, and those of you, who even though you don’t understand, have simply said “I hear you”. Thank you for being vulnerable and respecting mine.

Weigh in day & mental illness talk #postpartumdepression

It is a relief to have stepped on the scale and to have it over with. I gained .7 lb.

The damage wasn’t as bad as I imagined it to be, but also marks three weeks of struggles and being off track. I know that this is all me—it’s not the plan, it’s not because I don’t have time, and it’s not because I don’t have the right foods in the house. It’s just me. It is my mental and emotional state and my lack of using the tools I have to form new habits to replace my emotional eating habit.

It’s a new week now and I can begin again. I know that I can always begin again after even just one bad choice, but there’s something about the clean slate that is extra motivational.

Yesterday, I continued to feel down—like really down. As in I the feelings I used to have where I just yearned for that silence and peace—like I didn’t want to exist anymore. I needed to talk to someone about it but never got the chance.

I hesitate to even admit that because the real me is an ultra-positive, half is glass full kind of gal. But I want to be real on the blog, and this is what was real. Postpartum depression, mental illness, whatever this monster is (yet it is myself), is unexplainable and horrid.

I searched Pinterest last night for anything that could encourage me about this condition. I came across a few things that helped me. I will share some of these in a later post, but one in particular has stuck in my mind, “Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so you can discover that he is the rock at the bottom”. I am thankful that through all of this, He is always there and He does hold me in the shadow of his wings.

I have learned a lot over the past few months and I knew that based on how I felt when I woke up yesterday morning that I needed to get out of the house even though it was the last thing I really wanted to do. So I called hubby and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch. We met at Subway and that brightened my spirits.

I kind of “took a vacation day” yesterday. Baby girl and I went to Kohl’s and Wal-mart afterwards. And then in the evening, we met hubby for supper (salad at Applebee’s) and hubby let me have some time alone while I tried on some swimsuits and got groceries. The swimsuit thing kind of left me feeling worse—ack! But at the end of it all, I needed that quiet time alone—“putting on my oxygen mask first”, if you will.

While at Kohl’s, I ran into this woman who has suffered terrible tragedy in her life and very publicly. I knew who she was because I have seen her suffering in the news. We had an interaction and she was the kindest person to me and baby. This woman who has been through so so much and was still so kind and positive. I didn’t expect that, wouldn’t expect that, but it was really remarkable to me. I could feel her strength in just our short conversation.

I woke up this morning feeling better and I am hoping that I’m over this “bump in the road”. Onward and forward. I am pushing myself to get out of the house again today—this time with some family (women around my age) to go strawberry picking. I am so so hoping this goes ok!!! I must work on controlling the thoughts in my mind.

Have a great weekend!

Struggling in a big way—a novel of a post

Emotional eating has been the name of the game for the past few days. I haven’t been feeling like myself and I’m hoping it’s just hormones to blame.

I haven’t been able to stay away from chocolate—I’ve had some every day for probably the last week, but not in moderate portions the past few days. I’m not talking about crazy amounts, but just enough for me to realize that it’s emotional eating. I also ate two servings of ice cream yesterday for no particular reason other than I felt like it.

I am feeling stressed out (and don’t have a reason to be), anxious, and a little blue. I’ve had a couple of things happen this week that have added to my anxiety.

First, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. This is not like what you see in the movies. While she does have a couch, this isn’t therapy but it’s just about figuring out what cocktail of medication I need for the PPD recovery process.

So anyways, hubby was supposed to be able to watch baby girl while I had my appointment but he ended up not being able to make it. Since I had already canceled my appointment once, I decided I would take her with me since it’s usually a pretty quick in-and-out appointment.

I arrived and the small waiting room was filled with people. The receptionist was telling me that I owed money and if I didn’t pay it they were going to turn it over to collections. This was news to me because we have paid all bills we have received and I had no idea what she was talking about. However, the entire waiting room was our audience. That’s embarrassing—and not even accurate!

So I headed out to the small hallway to wait because there were just too many people in that small room for me to feel comfortable with. I let baby girl walk up and down the hallway, having to hold her hand most of the time because she wants to explore anything and everything she comes across, including trying to stick her fingers in electrical outlets. This child…lol.

And then this well-intentioned man came out of the waiting room to tell me that there were a couple of chairs available. So I felt like maybe I should go sit down since he was trying to be kind and I didn’t want to be rude. So I found a seat on the edge of the room. And then this lady gave baby girl her cell phone to play with. Whhatttt? Anyways, I didn’t want baby girl touching this thing for one thing but I also didn’t want her to break the phone! So I let her hold it for like a minute and then handed it back to the lady and said thank you.

In situations like these, I prefer to snuggle up inside my shell and not interact with anyone and just try to make it through. I know this sounds crazy but I guess it is how I have always coped. With baby girl, that is impossible. She likes to interact with anyone and everyone who will pay attention to her, including another baby in the room which she felt the need to yell across the room to. lol. She was waving at the receptionist and even wanted to walk through the room of people, probably to go make some new friends. She is a very friendly little girl, which I am proud of her for because it is not something I know how to do—but it’s also uncomfortable for me.

So we waited for 45 minutes PAST our appointment time. At that point I was about ready to leave. I was incredibly anxious and sweaty. Baby girl was about to lose it because it was passed her nap time and she was getting cranky and throwing everything I gave her to try to keep her entertained.

When the doctor finally called me in, her first question was that she noticed me waiting in the hallway and was I doing that because the room of people made me uncomfortable. She also proceeded to hand me a Kleenex because she saw me sweating. Oh my goodness—embarrassing, but it was anxiety related. So she saw my issues in person and told me she wanted to up one of my medicines if I was comfortable with it because she was confident it would help my social anxiety, but also told me to continue therapy to find ways to cope in these situations.

Meanwhile, baby girl wanted to run around her office and check everything out because that’s just her. I was trying to keep her close but the doctor said, just let her go—she’s fine. So she was going all over her office and trying to get in her papers, ripped a page in a children’s book, started to play with the mini-blind cords, and even went behind the doctor’s desk and right up to the doctor! So I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be worrying about what she was doing because the doctor told me not to, but I didn’t want her running around doing whatever so I was super nervous about that. The doctor didn’t care at all—but I was completely distracted and nervous. The doctor commented that baby girl is very inquisitive, happy, and active, which is a good thing, but keeps me on my toes—which she said was good for me because it will help me lose weight. lol…Anyways. She also told me my medication can also help me lose weight—so I will be pleasantly surprised if that does happen.

So by the time this appointment was done, I had given up any hope of going to Wal-Mart to look for a swim suit for my water aerobics class. I buckled baby girl into her car seat and then realized she had thrown her lovey blanket somewhere in the doctor’s office. There was no way I was going to try to live without that—so I unbuckled her and back into the office we went. Someone was talking to the receptionist, so we waited and waited. The receptionist quickly got the lovey and off we went….to Starbucks where I bought a nonfat caramel macchiato and a flourless chocolate cookie. Totally stress eating—and I would say that was the beginning. And then I got home and hubby told me he had to work late and I wouldn’t be able to make it to my first water aerobics class. I was disappointed and relieved all at the same time.

Now I know that I have written a novel, but I have more to say—lol.

Last night we had our bible study. Hubby had to work late again…but said he thought he could meet me there…and he did. As I’ve mentioned, I haven’t been feeling like myself and I need to learn that when I feel like that I should just stay home and “heal”, if you will. But I didn’t.

So there was a visiting couple there with a 6 month old. And this mom was completely relaxed and so was her baby. Just laying there and hardly making a peep. Baby girl has never acted like that in her life. So here she is chattering away and yelling and making her noises, throwing her toys, trying to climb all over me and hubby, and squirming to try to escape our arms so she can go climb the nearest steps (her latest obsession). She still takes a night time bottle and unfortunately I forgot it at home.

I saw this couple making sideways glances at us and at their parents. And I understand that I do not know what people are thinking but I think that I do…ha. So I was thinking that they were thinking (now that sounds crazy), “Wow, she is obnoxious…they really need to take her out. Why aren’t they taking her out…she’s distracting. We’re so much better parents than they are…just look, our precious baby is sitting so still and just staring at their wild child like he can’t believe his eyes. It’s probably because she’s formula fed”.

My thoughts get out of control. So hubby took baby girl out and I sat there and got very anxious to the point of tears, so I left the room and found hubby and cried. I told him I just couldn’t handle it and that I would take care of baby girl while he was in the bible study. He told me to take a Xanax, which I probably should have done before I got there.

While keeping baby entertained, she was starting to lose it. I tried to feed her Cheerios and she took a fistful and threw them all on the floor. She kept throwing her pacifier. I gave her a drink and she drank and drank and then started spitting water and she was soaking wet so I had to change her clothes.

Once the study was over, I rejoined the group and picked up all of the toys strewn all over. Finally baby girl could get down to walk around all she wanted to do was try to climb the stairs. So I stood up and held her. One man was joking with me and asked I was still having fun or if I was ready to give her away. I just laughed but I was thinking to myself, well actually I’m just now starting to have fun and unfortunately I never got to experience that before (a topic for another post). But I just smiled. And then another woman (a mother with older children) kind of sighed and said, “how are you?” and then said to baby girl “you are keeping your mama busy!”. And then I just started to lose it and started to cry so I said excuse me and went outside where I just started bawling. Thankfully, hubby had noticed and brought all of our stuff out and got us to the car and ready to leave.

It was just too much for me. And then I felt like I was back-tracking on the progress that I had made and I felt really disappointed. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just hormones or something.

I really feel like we have a unique child. I have a feeling that she is very smart (I know all parents probably think this…lol), and she is incredibly active and outgoing. The girl can whistle. If we sing the ABC’s, we sometimes catch her continuing the song, her “words” imitating the sounds of the letters. We get these little glimpses of what’s going on in her head and we are surprised! She definitely has a sense of humor.

I absolutely love her, but as her mother, I also understand her while people who are not around her everyday do not. So I’m afraid people might look on like, “what is up with her”, but they don’t really know her personality, etc. They don’t know that the only time she really acts out is when she is really tired, but otherwise she is a well behaved, sweet and funny little girl.

So while I wanted to begin the Couch to 5K this morning, I decided sleep was a better option for me at the moment. And I feel disappointed in myself for a variety of reasons. I’ve lost the energy that I had recently found. I have found myself wanting to curl up at home and not interact with anyone—except that we have company coming tomorrow night until Monday—whom I invited myself when I was feeling wonderful.

I actually called my husband last night and told him that I was too fat to leave the house…I know that sounds weird but it’s just my sense of humor and trying to express the way that I felt. I was sitting on the floor playing with baby girl and I saw myself in the mirror and I cannot believe how horrible I look. I am ginormous. I look like I sit around the house and eat Twinkies and entire pizzas by myself. I don’t do either, by the way, but no one else knows that—I just look like a woman who has absolutely no self control with food. And I probably am that woman.

I have been trying to tell myself that it’s OK that I am where I am. Most people do not know what I have been through in the last couple of years. They don’t know the battles that I have fought and that I am a SURVIVOR. A Warrior Mom. Even though right now, I feel like I have curled up inside my armor, laid down on the battle field clutching my sword with my shield resting over my body like a turtle shell.

I will get up again. The battle isn’t over yet.

Weigh in Day

My week got off to a rough start and ended slightly bumpy. I had a couple of good days in there where I tracked everything and stayed within my points. It really screws with my head when I haven’t tracked and don’t really know where I’m at for the week.

There are two ways I could approach this week’s weigh in:

1. If I didn’t decide to skip last week’s weigh in (I did weigh in but decided not to count it and move on), I would have lost 1 lb. this week.
2. If I went with my original plan and didn’t count last week’s weigh in, I would have gained .8 lb. from two weeks ago.

Either way, I’m going to just say I’m .8 lb. from my lowest weight. That makes sense. But, I am happy that I did actually lose 1 lb. this week even though I am still up from my lowest. It’s all a mind game!

I’m a little worried about this week because we have plans over the weekend where I could very easily eat too many points. But on the other hand, we do have some activity planned so that will help (as long as the weather cooperates).

I am going to commit to tracking everything, no matter what. Sometimes I think I am doing terrible and then when I track the points I realize that it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Well, I have a lot to get accomplished so I better get going!

How was your weigh in this week?