It was pretty horrible and I expected it to be while hoping that it wouldn’t be. I gained another 1.7 lb. So now I am up 2.8 lbs. from my lowest.
While I did super well last week and had a gain, I did not do so well this week. I got through the 4th of July just fine, tracking all of my points and even walked a 5k. And then I woke up Sunday morning feeling overwhelmed and exhausted which led to stress and emotional eating. Totally guilty.
The problem is that I stopped tracking again. Why do I do that? I can’t seem to break the “needing to start again on Monday Friday” mindset. Ugh—I am a train wreck in pretty much every single way right now.
I know that change is 100% up to me. I want to change but I need to start creating new habits. Emotional eating has been a part of me for as long as I can remember—I can’t just say “stop emotional eating”, but I need to replace it with something. I am going to follow my counselor’s advice this week and when/if I feel the need to eat for reasons other than hunger, I will snack on carrot sticks or apples. It’s hard to gain weight eating those.
It also seems that when I am feeling like I do when I begin to eat my emotions, I just don’t care. I lose all ability to think logically and I just want some chocolate. I actually bought chocolate when I had to run into the store on Sunday, when I was feeling especially emotionally drained. Perhaps it’s like an addiction and I’m just craving that rush of feel good hormones. Maybe I should go to rehab. ha.
Lately, I open the fridge and can’t stand the thought of eating a spinach salad even though I bought the spinach in hopes that I would eat it. Ever since I was pregnant I have found salads disgusting. Well, I should say that I find salads that I make disgusting. I love eating at a salad bar or eating a salad made by someone else but the thought of eating a salad that I’ve made at home makes me want to gag. And I used to love salads and it’s one way that I made sure to eat healthy at lunch time.
I cannot stand ranch dressing ever since I followed Trim Healthy Mama and ate it all of the time because a certain brand of ranch was one of the few approved salad dressings. I have tried buying iceberg lettuce to see if maybe I just didn’t like spinach anymore and that still didn’t work. I should try boiling eggs and get some flavorful and healthy salad toppings that I would like. What a conundrum!
I am just bored with my food lately. Nothing sounds good. I stock up the house with healthy foods every week but I am struggling to figure out what to cook at meal times. All I really want to eat lately is cereal. Literally, I had cereal for supper last night. I could force myself to eat certain things but I’m not sure that is the answer either.
The meal I enjoyed the most last week was a grilled chicken sandwich and side salad at Culver’s. The salad was delicious because I didn’t make it, I guess. Plus I really love their French salad dressing. But anyway, I could make both of those things at home.
My method of cooking has always been that when we get hungry I cook something up. It didn’t matter how long it took, we just waited until it was done and ate. However, it seems like baby girl gets hungry way before hubby and I do or long before hubby gets home. So then I’m rushing to get something healthy together for a fussy baby and then we end up eating the same things over and over again.
I need to plan better and prepare our meals earlier so they are ready. Or maybe I need to start feeding baby girl a snack. Right now she typically just eats her three meals per day. Either way, I think it comes down to planning.
So anyways, this was just a free write of my thoughts. I’m disappointed in myself (again). I wish I could just rewind to the person I was when I lost almost 90 lbs. Apparently, I’ve picked up some bad habits since then—again.
I have not thrown in the towel though. I’m not giving up on myself.
