First Weekend on Weight Watchers

This weekend opened my eyes to how bad my eating habits have gotten! It was definitely no secret that I wasn't eating right-- but tracking what I'm eating has been an eye opener. I have definitely been eating too many carbs and not enough fruits, veggies, and protein. I have been grabbing what's easy.

We went on a short road trip on Saturday and stopped to grab some coffee at McDonalds. When I looked up the points for the latte I ordered, I saw that it was 21 points. TWENTY-ONE! Can you believe that? So that really messed things up for me-- lesson learned!

I have a lot of work to do, but I guess that's the point!

Since my problem is primarily psychological-- I need to be very careful to not be hard on myself. That means giving myself grace when I fumble around in these first couple of weeks as I get used to developing good eating habits again.

Somehow, I've developed this inner voice that is self-depreciating whenever I do not eat "perfectly". It's like playing all of those negative and judgemental blog comments that I used to get in my head over and over.

Something that I learned from my binge eating program was about the repetitive cycle that goes on. Here is a graphic which explains it.

Does this sound familiar? This is exactly why I am trying to give myself grace. I have felt that anxiety building up about not "following the plan" properly. I tell myself that it's ok and that it's what I do 90% of the time that will make the difference. If I dwell on that 10% when I feel like I've "messed up" the plan-- then I will slide backwards.

The goal is to keep my eyes focused on the outcome and what I want to be instead of what I don't want to be!

Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the big day!

I am calling it day one. We won't go over how many "day ones" I've had! But you have not failed until you've failed to try, right?

Sometimes I feel like when I share my latest method of trying to lose weight that I'm not only disappointing myself but also disappointing everyone else. I know it doesn't really matter. I see the success that others continue to have on the same program I was on and I feel very ashamed and embarrassed. Just know that what I am going to do is a very sustainable and healthy method.

It's not that the plan didn't work, but it apparently wasn't sustainable for me and I believe it was a huge trigger to my binge eating, as you mentioned it was for you too, Karla. So thankful you posted that so I knew I wasn't alone in this.

But to see so many people losing pound after pound, it really crushes me. I am proud of them, but it crushes me. That could have been me. I have failed, yet again. And then there's the business side of it that I want to be a part of, but I know that I cannot because I cannot be authentic.

I knew in my heart that it was not a sustainable way to lose weight and keep it off, but I clutch onto every little hope that comes around. I have learned that these types of programs can be a very big problem for those of us with disordered eating. I just need to learn now to share what I'm doing with anyone so I don't have to feel the shame!

Weight, Body, and Food Obsessed

Thank you to everyone who either commented or contacted me personally to tell me that you could relate to my last post about body image. I really appreciate it. It inspires me to try to put words to the thoughts and emotions that I have regarding body image and so much more.

I am feeling a lot more optimistic now... but that could be because I haven't looked in a full length mirror! It is what it is, and I continue on trying to figure out what makes me get stuck in a cycle of losing weight and gaining it back.

I will never stop trying to figure it out.

Since starting the program that I'm doing currently, I have slowly felt a healthier relationship with food beginning to form. I am not dieting in any way. I am trying to listen to my body. I am not restricting or banning certain foods. There are no "good" foods and no "bad" foods-- only foods that make my body feel good and those which make my body feel bad.

Ultimately, I think our bodies know what they need. Somehow, our minds have become warped by the diet industry in general. We are lead to believe that our bodies don't know what they need and we must control what we eat in order to reach the weight we think we need to be.

I didn't realize how much I have relied on having rules by which to eat. By allowing every food, it inevitably has made me feel out of control and "bad", when in fact-- that's not the case. I just feel like I'm out of control because I am not following the rules of which I have set based on whatever the diet industry experts have told me.

I believe that it's possible to live in food freedom and that the body will find its natural weight. I also don't think it will happen quickly. But if you think about it, a cycle of losing weight and gaining it back again will occur for years on end-- and that's an even longer time!

A post has been brewing in my mind for quite a while now--but I have yet to put it into words. How did I develop an eating disorder? What are the habits which lead me there?

I know for a fact that I didn't have these issues, to the extent that I do now-- until I was well into my 20s. And I believe I have identified one of the things which lead me here. So stay tuned for that!

Ultimately, it is not about finding a diet that will work for me. If you struggle with your weight like I have over the years, I beg you to take a look at what binge eating disorder is. It may surprise you.

For some people, weight gain can be fixed simply by changing their eating habits for a period of time and they will never get to the point of obesity. But I do believe that some of us have deeper issues to identify than just needing to control calories or exercise more to try to force the body into submission. This is often a result of chronic dieting.

Is eating healthy food and exercising important? ABSOLUTELY.

But does it define whether you are a good or bad person? NO. If you're like me, you likely feel that what foods you're eating and what activities you are doing (or are not doing) define you as a person. You may feel that your self-worth is determined by the number on the scale. Thoughts of food and weight are all-consuming. You think about it constantly. And that's not normal.

This is all new to me-- I have learned so much in the last little while about myself, my habits, and my thoughts. It truly has been a journey... but I do feel that I am making forward progress.

Fear Surrounding Food

Have you ever taken a look at how much fear you have surrounding food?

This has been a focus of my new program, which is completely different than anything I've ever done before-- I am hopeful that it will work. I don't want to share what it is until I'm completed with the program and can give a full opinion of it. It is costly, so I don't want anyone to spend money on it if I don't feel it works.

But really, I cannot believe how much fear surrounds my food choices and body image.



I am afraid of foods that I label as "bad".

I am afraid of having some foods in the house

I fear that I will be out of control.

I fear that I will always be overweight.

I am afraid I don't have enough will-power.

I am afraid others will judge me by what I'm eating.

I am afraid others will judge me by my size.

I am afraid others will judge me by what's in my grocery shopping cart.

I am afraid I will be too heavy to participate in some things.

I am afraid I won't fit.

I am afraid of being unattractive.


And this is just the beginning! I am living in a lot of fear, fear about things that most people probably don't even think about. This isn't normal, and I don't believe we have to live this way.

This is just food for thought (no pun intended)!


How does fear affect your food choices or body image?

Update on my Binge Eating Disorder Journey

I was happy to step on the scale this week and see that I had lost a significant amount of weight from where I was the previous week. Whew. Thank goodness, otherwise I would have been in a really bad mood. I'm sure you know what I mean. Isn't it funny how the scale can dictate our moods so much?

Anyways, I discovered a woman who has an online program for helping people beat binge eating disorder. I did my research and felt like it might be something that could help me. I've seen good things. She used to struggle with it herself so she knows what it's like.

Hubby and I discussed it and we decided I would make the investment and give it a try. I kept thinking, "what if it doesn't work?"... but then I began to think, "what if it does work?". I have to at least try!

I will try anything and everything to overcome this! So for now, I will not be going to therapy but will be focusing on this program.

The last little while I have just been eating "whatever", which isn't exactly ideal. I've been out of most of my shakes and such and have just been eating what was convenient-- not all bad stuff. But it does seem like I struggle to find that "satisfied" feeling.

So that's where I'm at right now!


How is your journey going?

What is Binge Eating Disorder?

A year ago, I would have never thought that my struggle with food would be labeled as Binge Eating Disorder. I imagined bingeing as eating an entire pizza, or a whole cake by yourself-- something I have never done. However, while this is one example of Binge Eating Disorder, it is certainly not the only type of eating that is considered binge eating.

Binge Eating Disorder is not simply overeating either. It was recognized as a medical condition in 2013 and is more common than Bulimia and Anorexia combined. The only difference between Binge Eating Disorder and Bulimia is those with B.E.D. do not purge afterwards or exercise excessively to burn the calories. It can affect both men and women and research suggests that it may run in families.

To be classified as binge eating, an episode generally takes place once per week for a period of three months. A binge eater would eat more than a typical adult during a period of about two hours-- as mentioned before, this doesn't always mean consuming huge amounts like an entire pizza or cake, but simply eating large amounts of food--even if it's several normal amounts of different foods. The binge eater would feel out of control and would feel extremely upset by it.

If you struggle with binge eating, you may be so upset with yourself that you vow to stop but feel a compulsion to binge eat and can't resist it. This leads to more self-hatred. The cycle is shown in the image below. (source)

Binge eating episodes include three or more of the following criteria:

• Eating extremely fast
• Eating beyond feeling full
• Eating large amounts of food when not hungry
• Eating alone to hide how much one is eating
• Feeling terrible after a binge
• Feeling abnormal

Research shows that there is a correlation between perfectionism and eating disorders, including Binge Eating Disorder. Social perfectionism is the feeling that one never meets the expectations of others. This indicates the emotional complexity of Binge Eating Disorder, showing that it is caused by far more than a lack of self control.

Those with B.E.D. are often desperate for a sense of control which also correlates with perfectionism. Food is something that can be controlled and provides an escape from whatever feels "out of control" at the time of the binge. It is an escape from confronting uncomfortable emotions.

Triggers for bingeing can include stress, poor body-image, food, and boredom. Those with B.E.D. have often been lifelong dieters. Dieting or restricting calories during the day may lead to bingeing in the evening. 

Those with B.E.D. may isolate themselves, feel extreme shamefulness and guilt, be self-loathing,  experience anxiety and depression, and be obese. However, not all people with B.E.D. are obese.

How to help someone with Binge Eating Disorder? I think this quote sums it up better than I could myself: 

"Binge eaters feel bad enough about themselves and their behavior already. Lecturing, getting upset, or issuing ultimatums to a binge eater will only increase stress and make the situation worse. Instead, make it clear that you care about the person’s health and happiness and you’ll continue to be there." (source)

A binge episode is often followed with restriction or dieting in an effort to gain control. However, these behaviors are more damaging than helpful for someone with B.E.D.


Hopefully this helps you understand what Binge Eating Disorder is.


Do you have experience with B.E.D., either with yourself or someone you know? 

Once I'm recovered, I will be "thin" (which means...)

I read an excellent article about eating disorder lies over at recoverymama (go check it out!). It really hit home for me in so many ways.

One of the biggest takeaways I got was the lie "if I just find the right food plan, then I won't have these uncomfortable feelings or needs anymore".  Does that sound like me or what? It was affirming to me in many ways because it shows that there is no one food plan that is going to make the eating disorder go away. Maybe my food plan will change from day to day, and that's ok. It's not about the plan itself, it's about what's going on in my mind (or not) which prompts such behaviors.

Another takeaway is that you can call anyone "too sensitive". Sensitivity is something to be appreciated. It means one is in tune with their feelings and also the feelings of others. The important thing is how to cope with those feelings. Empathetic people can be a blessing in so many ways. Sensitivity is not a "weakness" but coping mechanisms are important.

It was the last lie that really got to me: "Once I'm recovered, I will be 'thin' (which means...)". What does being thin mean? Is it really the thinness of body that I'm looking for? You could say so, but I don't think that's the 100% truth. And here my blog is titled A Journey to Thin and I'm not even sure what it is that I'm aiming for!

So I thought I would put a clear definition on what my "thin" is. Chances are, "thin" is not something that I need to wait to achieve but is more than likely my own behaviors and thought patterns that need to be modified.

Once I'm recovered, I will be...

• Happy
• Confident
• Comfortable in my own skin
• A good role model to my daughter
• Sexy for my husband
• Outgoing
• Social
• In tune with my own feelings
• Athletic
• Successful
• Respected
• Admired
• Loved more
• I will love myself more

This is just a quick list of things that came to my mind. Wouldn't you know, they are all things that I can achieve right now, even before I lose all of my weight. Of course, I don't think I can achieve them because I am stuck in the belief that recovery will be this big event that once I get there everything will be perfect. I'm learning that it's not going to work that way. 

Recovery is a process that will take time. There will be ups and downs, triumphs and failures, and one change after another. For every low in the journey, there's a high and I don't think that will just end one day and all will be well and I will be thin.

I'm going to keep working on myself until I beat this! I will be the person I want to be and I can begin right now. 

Still Trying

I sat down to write a post every day this week, but I felt like I didn't have anything to say. In reality, I probably have a lot of things that I should be saying but instead I'm not taking the time to process and make sense of my behaviors lately.

I have continued to struggle. Even adding WW to my plan isn't really helping. It's not the plan, it's just me. I have a hard time not hating myself even more for that.

It's the same old cycle and I want it to end so badly. However, I can't seem to let go of old habits and using food as my coping mechanism.

I've felt defeated lately, like I will always be this way. Always fat and dealing with the shame and guilt of it all. Would I feel better about myself if I were thin? I'd still be me but just in a different body. Maybe I'd still hate myself.

I actually researched weight loss surgery this week because I was feeling so desperate. But I reminded myself that I'd be worse off if I don't fix the real psychological problem. I'd end up gaining the weight back and probably be worse off health wise. It's just not worth it. I have to fix the real problem first.

Maybe I had hoped that I would fix this problem quickly. It's a lot more complicated than that. Have you seen that quote going around that says, "I woke up one day and decided I couldn't live like this anymore, so I changed. Just like that."? I feel like it should be like that--that I wake up, make a decision to change, and all is done.

Here's the thing--I wake up every single day and tell myself that I'm going to change. Some days I do really well and others I fail miserably. There's never a day that goes by when I wake up and say, "I'm going to eat whatever I want today"--never. The good intentions are always there.

Anyways, this is where I'm at right now--back in the same place I've been in for years. I'm still not giving up though.

Changing Things Up: Adding in Weight Watchers (again)

I’ve been thinking about adding Weight Watchers back into my life for a while. I am not quitting my Isagenix plan by any means—I am in love with the product and how it makes me feel. But being that I am trying to learn how to have a healthy relationship with food, I thought that adding in Weight Watchers might be a good idea.

I’ve been struggling since February, and not because Isagenix doesn’t work. I just lost my mojo—despite seeing incredible results. I’ve since discovered that it’s because I struggle with Binge Eating Disorder and despite whatever efforts I’ve ever made to lose weight (many times with success)—I always fall back into these habits whenever I have something going on in my head which triggers my disordered eating.

I am continuing therapy and have seen progress, albeit very slow, by doing so. It’s a process. I have to change the way that I think about food. I have to be mindful of every bite. I have to learn to find a new way to cope with emotions and to find comfort. That will take time. I’ve been fostering these habits for 20+ years and I can’t expect to change over night.

One thing I’ve started to do is to think about food differently. I’m trying to eliminate the “good” or “bad” food concept. It’s just food—it doesn’t have any impact on my value as a human being.

For example, while dining out recently I ordered a side salad and a small order of garlic parmesan fries. I rarely eat fries and the garlic parmesan part just sounded amazing.

It took me a long time to figure out what to order and it was because I was being very mindful. I finally settled on just ordering two items ala cart because it’s what I really wanted and was the amount of food I could eat without over indulging.

I didn’t feel stuffed afterwards. I felt satisfied. I enjoyed that meal more than any meal I’ve had in a very long time. I tried not to beat myself up for eating fries, a perceived “bad” food in my book.

For me, it’s about realizing that the 20th bite, when I’m actually well past full, never tastes as good as the 1st or 2nd bite tastes. It’s about realizing that the first 19 bites did not make me feel better, so continuing to eat to try to find comfort is not working. I seem to think that the more I eat and the faster I eat will somehow satisfy whatever emotional hunger I have. It never, ever does—and it’s realizing that which is inspiring me to change my habits.

Starting Weight Watchers will help me learn to eat the right portion sizes again and to be more mindful of the impact that the food is having on my body. It will help influence my food choices.

A lot has changed since I followed Weight Watchers last! There are no longer PointsPlus values but points are now called SmartPoints. It seems that the calculation of points includes calories, saturated fat, sugar, and protein.

I finally made the decision to add WW to my current plan when I saw that you can get 3 months for 55% off today since it’s Cinco de Mayo. You can sign up here. 3 months gives me a good amount of time to decide if my modified plan is working for me or not!

Self-Hatred & Eating Disorders

Do you know what it’s like to hate yourself? To feel trapped inside a body that feels out of control?

I don’t remember exactly when I started hating myself so much. It began in childhood. The self-hatred comes and goes in unrelenting phases directly corresponding to my weight or my perceived success to a weight loss or exercise regimen.

There is never a moment when I am not painfully aware of the fat which rests on my lap when I’m sitting, that widens my hips, that balloons my arms, and makes me feel like I make the earth shake with every step.

I avoid mirrors as much as possible. I don’t like to see the reality. It makes me hate myself more.

I know that my body will never be beautiful because it will always be scarred with stretch marks from my childhood days. I’m forever conscious of them, although I try to ignore them and feign confidence.

I try to stand tall and to at least appear to love myself, but the thoughts inside my head never stop. It’s my stomach, my arms, my legs, my face, my hair, my feet—the only part of me I don’t hate are my eyes.

I feel trapped, yet I’m holding the key in my hands. It seems that freedom is just a choice away, that it should be easy—it seems so straightforward. Yet it’s elusive. Sometimes I think I have both feet planted on freedom’s shore, only to find myself lost and shipwrecked on a solitary island—no sails to catch the wind, no vessel to float—nothing but me and my self-inflicted prison of fat.

I have learned that self-hatred is at the core of eating disorders. Some hate themselves so they restrict food, others binge on food and then purge, and then there are those of us who feel unable to stop overeating but don’t purge and rather build ever-growing walls of shame around ourselves.

Hate. Shame. Guilt. Despair.

Helpless. Worthless.

I am tempted to give up—to shove it all inside and continue to pretend that I’m ok, to stop going to therapy, and to resign myself to obesity. It would be so much easier. But I would only hate myself more.

It is hard to accept what I feel. It’s hard to identify what I feel. How can I be so disconnected from myself? It’s me after all— these are my own thoughts, coming from my own brain. Yet I don’t know myself at all. There’s an enemy residing inside my brain spewing negative thoughts.

Every negative emotion has been shoved deeper into my soul with every bite until my heart is like concrete. And then I hate myself more because of it.

Binge Eating Disorder: Uncomfortable with Emotions

I had another therapy appointment this week. I journaled my food and my feelings for two weeks to try to figure out what my “triggers” for emotional/binge eating are. It was insightful.

But when I told my therapist about how each time I was unable to control my urges to eat, it had been preceded by some kind of

“feeling”, she then asked what feelings I was having.

And then I was stumped. Sometimes I didn’t really know what I was feeling, but it was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it. So while I might have felt stressed or anxious, those are umbrellas of feelings which include numerous other feelings and emotions. They’re very broad terms.

I felt kind of silly when she then handed me a paper with various facial expressions and the name of the emotion listed below each picture. She asked me which emotions I felt comfortable feeling. To my surprise, there were very few which I felt comfortable with—they were all of the more positive emotions.

A few that stuck out to me as being the most uncomfortable were anger, frustration, guilty, ashamed, overwhelmed, nervous, and shy.

And then she began explaining a concept called Emotional Intelligence. We measure how much we know by IQ, and similarly we can measure our emotional intelligence (EQ). It is something that is often overlooked but is extremely important.

Whether we know it or not, we have been conditioned to accept some emotions as acceptable, “good” emotions and others as “bad”. We all know someone stoic, who seems to be without emotion—and often it seems to run in families.

Believe it or not, being “stoic” (often wrongfully thought of as “strong”) is actually very unhealthy and can manifest in health problems. It is a good thing to be able to have emotions, to recognize the emotions, and then process the emotions. This is called Emotional Intelligence.

I feel like I have a pretty high EQ, but on the same note I struggle with my own emotions. I am aware of the feelings of others and can identify their emotions. Sometimes I think people like myself are too in tune with the emotions of others that it can have a dramatic affect on us. You could call it emotional sensitivity—it’s a great attribute to have because it makes us considerate of others, but it can also be a nightmare because we essentially “feel” too much.

But here’s the kicker, while maybe I have a high EQ—I am not comfortable with certain emotions. And so, in an effort to avoid feeling the emotions, I stuff them inside. I do anything to avoid “feeling”. As my therapist said, I “self-harm” by certain behaviors including binge eating. This causes me to zone out because, in some odd way, these self-harming behaviors are comforting to me. Of course, this makes me feel ashamed.

It makes perfect sense.

For example, the other night after a stressful “event” I thought I was hungry. So I grabbed a bowl, Cheerios, milk, and some fresh fruit. When hubby saw me, he asked “are you hungry or are you eating for an emotional reason?”.

I realized I wasn’t physically hungry. And so, one by one, I put each item away. I left the kitchen and I began to feel emotions come over me like a huge wave. I didn’t like it—it made me very uncomfortable. And so, I distracted myself by doing something else. I never truly felt the emotions, but at least I didn’t eat.

This is a pattern that happens over and over again. I know without a doubt that this is why I’m overweight.

My official diagnosis is a moderate Binge Eating Disorder. I have been listening to podcasts about eating disorders in general and the psychological similarities between Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating are incredible. However, Binge Eating Disorder is not commonly talked about as being in the same camp.

For me, treatment means identifying the psychological reasons that I want to compulsively eat. I am learning more about myself the more that I pay attention. There are definite patterns.

After that last appointment, I felt hopeful about overcoming this. I am also beginning to understand that the struggle will never “go away”, but I can learn how to cope with my emotions better.

Food Journal: Tracking Emotions

As I mentioned in this post, I have begun work on figuring out what triggers my emotional eating and binge eating episodes. My first step has been journaling what I am eating—not to count calories or macros, but to see how I am feeling emotionally when I’m eating.

It has been eye opening. It seems like every day I follow a pattern. I start off the day feeling great and I slowly enjoy my shake. As the day goes on, my behavior starts to shift.

Another thing I’m tracking is how fast I’m eating. I set a scale of 1-5 with 5 being the fastest—binge type behavior, and 1 being the slowest—extremely mindful.

The earliest “5” I have tracked was at 10:15 a.m. and this is certainly an exception. Every other “5” is somewhere between 12-evening.

I’ve found that one of my most frequent feelings prior to eating is being tired. I also tend to eat more following a stressful event or when I am upset.

I definitely would not consider every “5” a binge. I started tracking on Thursday, and I would count two times as a “binge”—neither being incredibly terrible, but it was definitely different than overeating and just emotional eating.

What’s the difference?

To me, binge eating is eating and eating as if to fill a void. I know I’m not hungry, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from eating. For me, this very rarely entails me eating one specific food—but entails me eating various amounts of multiple foods so that, at first glance, it doesn’t look like bingeing at all, but rather portion controlled snacks. At a closer look, you can see that there are a series of these “portion controlled snacks” in a row and they add up to a binge.

To me, overeating is just that— over eating. I’m not emotional. I feel in control of my behavior—I am just loving whatever food I’m eating and end up eating too much.

To me, emotional eating is eating something (usually sweets), to find comfort. This can easily turn into a binge, but I wouldn’t consider emotional eating a binge unless I feel out of control. The difference is the amount of food eaten in a specific amount of time (approximately two hours or so). If I eat a couple of scoops of ice cream and move on—I’d call that emotional eating.

However, if I followed that up by eating a couple of cookies, a handful of nuts, and a cheese stick (within a couple of hours)—I’d call that a binge. It really comes down to the amount of control I feel capable of at any given time.

This is a topic that definitely makes me feel insecure. I feel so embarrassed that this is even an issue for me, but I also know that admitting it is going to help me overcome it. It is what it is.

I’m not a victim. I could choose to continue blaming my weight issues on emotional eating, but the truth is that since I know what the problem is— it’s in my hands to fix it. I’m a survivor and I will overcome this.

I am ashamed. I feel guilty. It makes me dislike myself. These are all things that I will work through one step at a time.

Therapy is Hard: Binge Eating Disorder?

I had my second therapy session today for my “weight issues”. My first appointment went well and I had just started my nutritional plan. I had high spirits, was hopeful, and felt very much in control at that time.

Fast forward about four months to today where I found myself sitting in therapy with a completely different mental state. I felt defeated, powerless, disappointed in myself, and out of control. I was desperate for help—I needed help and I knew it.

My original plan was to keep going to therapy, but one thing after another happened and here we are four months later. Previously, I didn’t feel like I needed help. I was in the “high” of weight loss where I was seeing results and able to stay on track.

But at the beginning of February, I found myself back into the cycle that I always seem to find myself whenever I start any weight loss program. I was spiraling out of control and I still haven’t stopped. As of this morning, I am 9 lbs. above my lowest weight.

It is so hard to talk about things that I feel so ashamed about, but I was honest and I told her what has been going on in my head and the actions I have been taking which have led to weight gain and the downward spiral out of control. I can remember having this behavior back to middle-school, although I did have a weight problem prior to this. It is humbling and embarrassing to talk about it, even though I know that this is what she specializes in.

We talked about Binge Eating Disorder. While I have sometimes wondered if I have this issue, today confirmed it for me. In situations that feel “out of control” to me, I turn to food because it is something that I can control. It’s a temporary fix for every problem. It takes my mind off of whatever is bothering me—as my therapist said, “to avoid feeling emotion”.

That’s huge to me because it’s an explanation for my behavior. It’s also frightening. In order to develop a healthy relationship with food, and to get my weight under control, I will have to change the habits that I have developed over the years.

This means that I will not be able to turn to food to get me through whatever emotions I’m having that I don’t want to feel. It means that I will have to deal with the emotions. It means I absolutely have to let go of that crutch if I truly want to change.

Can I do it? Am I strong enough to do it? Do I truly want to change?

My first thoughts are that of fear and shame. Afraid of the struggles that I might endure trying to change. Ashamed that this is even a struggle for me. Afraid that this is one more coal to the “crazy person” fire that I have blazing over here. Afraid to admit that I have a problem.

Binge Eating Disorder is along the same lines as substance abuse. It makes sense that I might have an issue such as this because one side of my family has a long line of alcoholics. Food may just be my drug of choice. Perhaps I’m predisposed to such behavior—I have no idea.

We worked on an action plan titled, “This is how I can stop automatic negative thoughts that cause negative behaviors”. Once again, we’re back to controlling my thoughts.

The good news is that I have successfully accomplished being aware of my thoughts when it comes to my role as a mother (i.e. not allowing negative thoughts to make myself think I’m an inadequate mother, etc.— related to postpartum depression). If I could accomplish that, I can certainly accomplish this—I hope.

I have a plan. It will take a lot of introspection and work on myself to overcome this—but I just have to. I cannot live like this. My weight and food take up too much space in my thoughts and life and I’m tired of it.

I read over an article my therapist gave me about Binge Eating Disorder and it described me to a T. I probably shouldn’t admit that I read this article while having a “mini-binge”—I definitely knew I was eating for emotional reasons and yet I don’t try to stop myself because I know it will make me feel better temporarily. It’s hard to admit that. But there it is.

Anyways, sorry for the rambling post. I am glad that I’m back into therapy and I’m ready to put in the work—despite how afraid I am. I plan on updating you all on my progress.

Do you have Binge Eating Disorder? How did you conquer it? What are you doing to fight it?

Guest Post: I Don’t Have an Eating Disorder… or do I?

I am happy to have Christina as my guest writer today! She is a fabulous writer and I love her blog. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us, Christina!

Hello! My name is Christina and I blog over at Love Yourself Healthy. I live in New Orleans with my husband and 2 children, and I am thrilled to be writing a guest post for Alissa! When she first asked if I’d like to write a post for her blog, I immediately said “sure!” Coming up with a topic was a bit more challenging, but a few of her more recent posts inspired my topic for today: “I don’t have an eating disorder… or do I?”

It was April of 2014 when I first started to think that I might have a problem; not a simple, “Ijustlovefoodsomuch” problem, but an “I think I might need professional help” problem. I’d always struggled with my weight, and I’d jump on one weight loss bandwagon after another. I’d lose a little, then fall off the wagon, give up, and gain everything back and then some. Every one of these failures resulted in an epic loss of “willpower,” an all-out binge, and I’d start the cycle all over again.

I never knew there was a name for what I was experiencing—and until recently, there really wasn’t. Binge Eating Disorder (BED) was finally added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) as an “official” eating disorder in 2013. It is the most common eating disorder among US adults (surprised? Yeah, me neither).

(I would like add that it was very difficult for me not to go off on a wild tangent at this point, but I’ll save that for another day!)

According to www.BingeEatingDisorder.com, the symptoms of BED are as follows:

1. Regularly eating far more food than most adults would in a similar time period and in similar circumstances, and feeling that one's eating is out of control during a binge.
2. Binge eating episodes that include three of the following:
1. Eating extremely fast
2. Eating beyond feeling full
3. Eating a lot when not hungry
4. Eating in secret to hide how much is being eaten
5. Feeling terrible after a binge
3. Feeling very upset by eating binges.
4. On average, binge eating at least once a week for three months.
5. Unlike people with other eating disorders, adults with BED don't routinely try to "undo" their excessive eating with extreme actions like throwing up or over-exercising.

It is important to note that not everyone who binge eats has binge eating disorder (source). I’d experienced periods of binge eating all throughout my life, but I don’t think it was actually BED until maybe the year prior to when I actually got help. The triggering event was the loss of my job.

My job loss could be a whole post in and of itself, but the important part is this--it took a HUGE toll on my self –esteem and I felt like garbage. I started to believe that all the crazy things at my former job were actually my fault and that I was a horrible person and a terrible employee. We eventually had to sell our house and move to New Orleans for my husband’s new job, and after that I was certain that if I could just get a job, everything would be better.

After a year of unemployment, I did finally get a job, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I questioned everything about myself that I’d always thought to be true, and I didn’t trust my abilities. Through all of this, I continued eating through my feelings. Every negative thought was squashed with a candy bar. Every time I felt angry, I ate until I quite literally couldn’t eat any more. I have a lap band (it’s unfilled and I don’t utilize it anymore, but there’s still a limit on how much I can stuff myself), so I’d throw up a bit and then continue eating. Every feeling of sadness, of loss, of anger, of failure, was stuffed down until I couldn’t stuff myself any more.

The final straw came in April 2014. Easter candy was on sale and I went to the store and bought all kinds of candy and ate it in my car on my lunch break from work. I remember thinking, “Oh my God, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, but I can’t stop. I CAN’T STOP.”  And I finished every bit of it, tears pouring down my face.

I went back to my office and immediately joined Weight Watchers, and then I starting googling Weight Watchers blogs. Now, before that day, I’d never even heard the words “binge eating” or “binge eating disorder” in relation to what I’d been experiencing, but the first two blogs I came across were women who’d struggled with binge eating. That, of course, led me to more blogs and then I did some research and realized that I just truly needed help. I found a therapist who specialized in eating disorders (binge eating disorder was actually specified in her profile), and it took a few days but I was finally able to make an appointment.

That, my friends, was probably the single most important thing I’d ever done for myself. I saw my therapist weekly for a while, then moved to every other week, then once a month. Maybe 5 months in, she finally convinced me to meet with the nutritionist she worked with, and I’m glad I finally did that. (I was also going to my Weight Watchers meetings every week.) I did this for 10 months, and my “team” was amazing. I worked through so much, so many experiences, so many feelings I didn’t even know I had.

I still struggle—in fact, I’ve made an appointment to see my therapist next week. I still struggle with depression, with binge urges, but now I have tools. I have tools to use to help me fight off those urges, and I feel empowered. I learned that in a world full of things I cannot control, the one thing I can control is myself—how I react to different people or events, the food I put in my body. It’s all my choice, and I have the power to control these things—no one else.

If you think you might have a binge eating problem, don’t be afraid to seek help. It’s so hard to take that first step, but it’s so worth it once you do it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thank you, Alissa, for allowing me to share a bit of my story on your blog today!