Fear Surrounding Food

Have you ever taken a look at how much fear you have surrounding food?

This has been a focus of my new program, which is completely different than anything I've ever done before-- I am hopeful that it will work. I don't want to share what it is until I'm completed with the program and can give a full opinion of it. It is costly, so I don't want anyone to spend money on it if I don't feel it works.

But really, I cannot believe how much fear surrounds my food choices and body image.



I am afraid of foods that I label as "bad".

I am afraid of having some foods in the house

I fear that I will be out of control.

I fear that I will always be overweight.

I am afraid I don't have enough will-power.

I am afraid others will judge me by what I'm eating.

I am afraid others will judge me by my size.

I am afraid others will judge me by what's in my grocery shopping cart.

I am afraid I will be too heavy to participate in some things.

I am afraid I won't fit.

I am afraid of being unattractive.


And this is just the beginning! I am living in a lot of fear, fear about things that most people probably don't even think about. This isn't normal, and I don't believe we have to live this way.

This is just food for thought (no pun intended)!


How does fear affect your food choices or body image?

How well do you know yourself?

We put a lot of time into relationships simply to get to know the other person better. We want to learn all about each other-- all of the likes and dislikes, whether it be simple things like hobbies, food, music, or books, or more serious matters like religion, world view, or ethics. It's an important part of every relationship.

But how well do you know yourself? Have you spent that same amount of time getting to know what you really like or dislike? Are you opening yourself up to new experiences so that you can get to know yourself better? Are you allowing others to dictate who you are and what you like? Are you passively living life?

Last year, my life hit a very low point due to depression. I was at rock bottom, but found that I had the strength to pull myself up and keep going. The experience changed me. It changed the way that I perceive the world and it completely shattered my sense of identity. I was left feeling like I didn't know who I was anymore.

Over the past year, I have worked on self-development. I found courage to experience the things that I was once too afraid to do. I developed a new appreciation for the struggles of others, no matter what they may be. I realized that health and happiness were a precious gift. I put myself out there and cautiously made new friends and learned that not everyone had malicious intent towards me as it had been in the past.

More than anything, I have learned that you can always change. You're not stuck being someone you are not happy being. You have a choice. Life can happen to you, or you can make life happen. You cannot play the victim in life because that is what limits you.

You cannot grow if you are stuck in self-pity--it may definitely be a part of the journey (and that's ok), but it's not the destination. If you remain there, well, you won't be going anywhere in life. This is a lesson I'm still learning.

After taking time to be cognizant of my thoughts, feelings, and actions-- I began to get to know myself better. I began to learn what made me tick, what made me anxious, and what made me happy. I began to recognize when I needed to rest, and when I needed to live a little, instead of just being lost in the emotions of it all.

I learned to be introspective in times when I felt overwhelmed and didn't know why. And I've learned a lot. Here are just some of the things I've learned:


I've learned that I enjoy painting. I find it therapeutic. Prior to this, I never painted because I didn't think I was artistic.

I've learned that sometimes I just need to be alone in silence, and that's ok.

I've learned that I don't have to be perfect at something in order to do it.

I've learned that I thrive on a clear cut plan and become anxious without a plan.

I've learned that a change of plans is like a curve ball for me, for whatever reason.

I've learned that most moms are struggling in some way and that I'm not the only one who doesn't have it all together--and that's ok too.

I've learned that dieting isn't going to work, the problem is much deeper than that and controlling external factors will not heal the internal problems.

I've learned that I don't know what I might enjoy, or be good at, until I've tried it. I can't just assume that I'm not good at something.

I've learned that I don't have to fit into just one label, and maybe who I am will change throughout the years.

I've learned to be grateful for difficult experiences because they cause me to grow.

I've learned that my thoughts are the determining factor of my happiness-- and so they must be controlled.

I've learned that I'm actually not that bad at decorating cupcakes, even though I told myself I was horrible at it.

I've learned that too much noise makes me anxious.

I've learned that my creativity is my gift--and yes, I've learned to acknowledge that I am creative.

I've learned that I am a great mom, even if I'm not perfect-- no one is.

I've learned that I listen to the words of a song more than to the music itself.

I've learned that I enjoy being with a small group of people, but that I will need to recharge later.

I've learned that sleep is almost always the medicine that I need.

I've learned that I can feel an emotion without knowing why and that digging deeper is the only way that I can figure it out.

I've learned that I have so much more to learn.


There are a million things that I want to try and a million things that I want to learn. But even so, these external activities are simply ways to expand my knowledge of who I am. There are a million more things that I could learn about my internal being, as in what's in my heart, mind, and soul.

I believe that with frequent introspection and analysis of our behaviors, we can learn more about ourselves and ultimately become better people who are more in tune with God, ourselves, and can then be more empathetic of others. It's about having the humility to admit when we're wrong, and be willing to make a change--because change is always possible.



How well do you know yourself? What's something you've learned about yourself lately? What are you doing to open yourself up to more experiences?

It's My Life

Another thing that my therapist told me has stuck with me and is influencing my thoughts in a good way. I hadn't realized it prior to our conversation, but I very much rely on the approval of others. In other words, I'm a people pleaser.

That doesn't mean that I always do what other people want me to, but I will very likely worry about what the other people think of me--to the point where I question myself and my decisions. It becomes a little obsessive as I ruminate over whether or not I'm doing the right thing. 

Sometimes I want someone else to make the choices for me so that I don't have to. Or I'll ask someone's opinion but then get upset when they don't agree with me, because what I was really looking for was validation that my opinion was correct. I don't like the idea of not having approval--for whatever reason!

"You're in charge of your own life."

That sentence opened my eyes to my behavior. I'm in charge of my own life. I can do what I want, make the decisions that I want, and even if others disagree with me--it ultimately doesn't matter. It's my life. (of course I mean that with all respect to my husband because in some areas it's our life)

It has changed the way I think. I recently had a conversation in which I could tell that the other person didn't agree with something I was doing. In the past, that would have really bothered me and I would have had a pity party knowing that I wasn't getting their approval. But you know what? It didn't bother me one bit this time... because it's my life.

The only approval I need is God's. 

Why has it taken me 30 years to realize my behaviors? I have no idea. But I'm glad that I did.

Yep, this song came to mind!

It's all in your head

At a conference in Chicago last week, I learned a strategy to pick myself up in those times when I'm feeling especially unmotivated. Our thoughts have so much power over us and the great thing is that we can control our thoughts. It takes practice and mindfulness, but it can be done.

It simply means taking a negative thought and switching it around to a positive one. Susan Sly shared this strategy and I found it so helpful that I had to share with you all.

The Concept

• Circumstance: This is an irrefutable truth.

• Thoughts: Anything you can change.

• Feelings: Our thoughts are catalysts for our feelings.

• Activities: Our feelings are dictated by our activities.

• Results: The outcome.

The Application

Here is an example of how this works. You begin with how you are currently feeling & thinking. This is an example of how I was thinking and feeling this morning.

Circumstance: I'm overweight and out of shape which takes a toll on me emotionally. I've recently found my mojo again and am doing well. I woke up tired and moody not wanting to work out.

Thoughts: I'm tired and I want to keep sleeping. I'm going to fall back into bad habits and never become the person that I want to be. I always fail.

Feelings: I feel guilty for not wanting to get up and work out. I begin to feel discouraged and disappointed in myself that I can't seem to stay motivated.

Activities: I sit in bed and scroll through social media.

Results: I end up feeling discouraged, moody, and disappointed in myself.

Shift Your Paradigm

For the second part of this activity, you will switch your thought pattern to change your results.

Circumstance: I'm overweight and out of shape which takes a toll on me emotionally. I've recently found my mojo again and am doing well. I woke up tired and moody not wanting to work out. (remember this is an irrefutable truth so it does not change.)

Thoughts: If I'm going to change and become the person that I want to be, I have to be consistent in my efforts even when I don't feel like it. I'm not going to be super motivated and excited every day, that's just the way it is. Change is possible.

Feelings: I begin to feel motivated and hopeful. Maybe I can do this after all. I know I'll feel better after working out.

Activities: I get out of bed and go to the gym to workout.

Results: After a couple of minutes on the treadmill I'm feeling much more inspired. I actually get in a longer workout than usual. I took the time to get a massage on the Hydro Massage Bed just so I could be good to myself. 

As you can see, the results are so much better because I took action and changed my thoughts. I am going to try to use this strategy whenever I feel like quitting, bingeing, or going off track.


What thought processes can you change around?

Personal Development Virtual Book Club

I hope that you can join us as we read and discuss The Magic by Rhonda Byrne! Please send me a message or leave a comment below if you're interested!

Getting after it!

Hey everyone! Sorry I've been a little MIA for the last week...but it's for a good reason.

I attended an event in Chicago this past week that I found very motivational for me. We received training from Susan Sly and she was amazing. Her words really hit home for me. It seemed like she really understands the reasons for being overweight--I believe she even stated that all extra weight is emotional. As you know, I completely agree.

I will be sharing some of the break throughs that I had while I was there--hopefully this week! Isn't it amazing how someone can say just the right words?

Anyways, I have been fired up! Yesterday was my first day to be back on track and I feel like my mind is so much clearer now. I have focus again and I'm ready to meet my goal!

I actually decided to stay at my parent's for the week with Little Miss Sunshine. I decided it would be the perfect opportunity to get a good start. My mom does the same weight loss program as I do, so I have the support that I need.

Another bonus is having someone to watch the little one so that I can workout! I set my alarm for 5:30 this morning so that I could get up and go to the gym before Little Miss Sunshine woke up. I am SO proud of myself for doing so!

I came up with a million excuses for why I should skip my workout.

My Fitbit died. I'm having allergy/asthma issues. I only got 5 hours of sleep. I could workout in the afternoon. I'm tired. I have a business meeting. I forgot my earbuds. 

I could go on and on and on.

I'm off to a good start!

“Normal” Again

It’s Friday and that means it’s my weigh in day.

But I just don’t want to talk about it. Besides, you’ve heard the same ol’ story plenty o’ times.

I’m like a broken record. The same thing over, and over, and over again. I’m stuck in this cycle of lose some, gain some, stay the same, gain some and that’s not all that conducive to weight loss.

So I’m just not gonna go there today and I’m not going to let it ruin my day.

Oh, if I were only skinny and all of my problems melted away. Wishful thinking…I think we all have problems—skinny or fat.

In other news, I’ve really and truly been enjoying life lately.

For the first time in a long, long, long, long, long time I feel normal. Whatever that is—well, it’s how I feel these days. How I have missed normalcy throughout this postpartum depression journey.

My mood has been upbeat and positive. I’m back to the old me—although I still fear that the darkness will sweep over me again and envelop me in its strangling grip.

I wait for it.

Any moment.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

But it hasn’t come…yet.

I’m so much better equipped now than I was back when I was just “the old me”. The experience I had at the doctor yesterday wasn’t new to me. It has happened so many times that I’ve come to expect it.

But you know what? It bummed me out for a while. I called my mom and cried my tears and spilled my heart out. And she told me to remember how I felt prior to the appointment and how happy I was that I was feeling normal.

And so I felt the pain. Processed the feelings. I realized that how I perceived this doctor was treating me and looking at me does not mean that view of me is accurate. Her opinion about me as a person really doesn’t matter—but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt me.

But I am a survivor, not a victim. And so I tuck that little bit of hurt into another paragraph in my book of wisdom and I choose to move on.

I’m getting stronger, you see—stronger than I ever was before. I’ve been shattered into pieces and have put myself back together again with the help of loved ones and understanding experts—oh, and medication.

The sun is finally shining on my soul again and I pray that the dark clouds stay far, far away.

On Being 30

 

 

I originally wanted to edit my photo so I looked really old, but my photo skills do not advance past PicMonkey (yet)—so I went with this.

Seriously though. When did I get so old?

I remember my mom being in her 30s—and she was a “mom”, you know—a grown up.

And suddenly I woke up on September 23rd of 2015 and I was instantly 30 years old—which obviously means I am a grown up now. And a mom, actually.

Yesterday, I was just a girl in my 20s—a fresh college grad with the future in front of me—

but today…

well, I’m a new mom with a little bit of a history and a little more baggage and the future is still in front of me (God willing, of course).

And oh how much I have learned…

I have learned that life does not end at motherhood.

I have learned that a mother is also a woman with her own aspirations and interests.

I have learned that I’m not perfect, I’m never going to be perfect—God has grace with me and so I should have grace with myself and with others.

I have learned that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes (including me), and because of this I need to forgive.

I have learned that there is no future in the past and that I must look ahead instead of behind me.

I have learned that people (including myself) change for the good, and so I should never give up on anyone (including myself).

I have learned that everyone is fighting a battle of some kind, and so I know to treat others with kindness so as not to add to their battles but to encourage them on to victory.

I have learned how to accept another’s infinite love without doubt, and because of this I have increased my faith.

I have learned that the important things in life cannot be purchased, and so I invest in family and humbly thank God for my provisions.

I have learned that I will never stop learning, there’s always another lesson ahead.

And also,

I have learned that I really, really, really like coffee.

Through New Eyes

A friend of mine recently received an apology from a guy who bullied her in middle school about 16 years ago. She never forgot his hurtful words and the pain that they caused her, and apparently neither had he.

I’ve received an apology from a girl who bullied me in middle school too and it brought closure to the experience for me and for her. Unfortunately, receiving an apology about something that happened during childhood, over a decade ago, is rare.

Life goes on and you learn to live with the pain—but it changes you in ways that you don’t even realize until years later when it all comes crashing down and you find yourself in therapy, sobbing about something that little Jimmy said to you when you were twelve.

Words have that kind of impact.

I have always felt unwanted, like I’m a nuisance to everyone I know and everyone is just putting up with me because they have to. I am skeptical of anyone who tries to get to know me better and I always assume that they have cruel intentions. I’ve destroyed friendships this way without even knowing what I was doing.

A while back, my therapist and I were discussing why I felt like everyone was constantly judging me. It’s hard to find the answers and maybe we don’t always have to know the answers—just as long as we realize that what we believe as a result of the cruel words of others isn’t necessarily true.

But I did figure out why I feel the way that I do, the way that I am successfully working on changing. There were a few different instances throughout my childhood, but one stands out in particular.

I specifically remember a time as a child when someone said to me, “Alissa, you know that nobody likes you, right? We all just put up with you because we have to.”

That statement shattered my heart. I remember it so clearly. I remember where I was, what the room looked like, what the other child looked like, how I had been so happy and excited until those words were said and it all came crashing down, and I also remember receiving a forced apology at the insistence of an adult.

I’ve been living with that for  years—subconsciously believing that everyone around me has been just putting up with me. That nobody really likes me, that the moment I feel comfortable in any relationship, the other person will drop a bomb and tell me none of it is real.

And that did happen a time or two, so is life. But I believe this has been a pattern that I have played out for years and years.

I don’t have any of the friendships from childhood because I believed my friends had ulterior motives and so I shoved them all away to protect myself. I still have trouble making friends because I don’t trust the motives of pretty much anyone.

Somehow, by some miracle, I met, trusted, and married my husband. I am comfortable in our relationship and I love him more than ever, but I even questioned his love for me.

In another therapy session, we discussed how I feel like my husband and baby girl deserve someone so much better than me. Since hubby went with me to the first few sessions when I was first diagnosed with postpartum depression, the therapist has seen the two of us together and hubby even talked in the therapy sessions when asked to, otherwise he was just there at my request for support.

My therapist asked me, “Don’t you see how much he loves you? It’s written all over his face. He simply adores you. You just have to believe it. Love like that is hard to find.”

It didn’t happen immediately, but after a while I could finally believe. He simply loves me for me. There are no ulterior motives. He doesn’t have to put up with me. He chose, and chooses, to spend the rest of his life with me.

When I think back to the cruel words from childhood, I’m still seeing the situation through the eyes of my child self. But now I have the wisdom to know differently, so I have to take another look at the experience with the wisdom of an adult—and that changes things.

I don’t know how long it will take to undo all the damage that was caused by the cruel words of another child, and I’m sure it won’t be over night. But at least now I’m cognizant of this “belief” that I’ve held for so long and when I find myself trying to sabotage another relationship in my life, I can stop myself before it’s too late.

My Sense of Self

Happy September!

I love September for a variety of reasons: it means that fall is coming (and I love fall), my birthday is this month (even though I’m hitting the big 3-0)…and yeah, pretty much I love September because my birthday is in September and my hubby spoils me. ha

Anyways, I am feeling better today—not 100%, but it at least feels like the fog is lifting. I’ve been making myself sleep until I really feel rested in the morning, which means that I miss out on my morning “me-time”, but I think it’s best for now. I feel excited about starting a new project or going somewhere and that means that I’m feeling positive about life again…that’s a huge relief!

It really helped me to write my post yesterday and just express what was going on in my mind. It helped me to process it all and have a good cry. I’m sorry for when I’m a Debbie Downer, but I want to keep record of this entire process.

When hubby got home, he offered to help me clean the house and told me I would feel so much better if the house looked organized. I pushed myself to do it and it did make me feel better, especially when I came downstairs to an organized house this morning. Hubby didn’t even help me very much…I see how that works. lol

I want to focus on eating foods that are good for me. I have salmon in the oven for lunch today. I need to get groceries because we don’t have a lot of food in the house right now, but I’m trying to use what we do have. I know that we will all feel better if we are eating healthier foods, which means that I really need to practice preparation.

I just don’t want to believe that I will be like this for the rest of my life. It’s all up to me and the choices that I make. It will probably mean exercising and eating healthy when I don’t want to or when I don’t feel like it. It’s required at first and eventually you learn to want to exercise and to want to eat healthy. I can’t wait to get back to that place again.

My life has changed so much. I went from working (and having weekends and evenings off) and doing what I wanted, whenever I wanted--to staying at home (a job that has no “off” hours), and prioritizing my child before myself.

Mothers are required to be selfless, and part of my struggle has been losing my sense of self. I used to think that my identity was wrapped up in my job and my weight, to be honest. And when I no longer had an employer or a position and my weight was heavier than ever, I just felt lost.

Over the past few months, I have begun to figure out what I like to do and what goals and aspirations I have. Yes, I am a wife and I am a mother first and foremost, but I am still a woman with interests and goals.

I’ve begun to put more effort into my blog because blogging is something that I truly love to do. I’ve started to read books again when I have the chance. I’ve been teaching myself photography—I purchased macro lenses and a backdrop to experiment with. I set a goal to write a book. I’ve begun to really write. I’ve been dabbling in web design. I have a variety of other things that I want to do when I am ready.

I’m slowly finding myself again and I am learning that who I am is not contingent on my title or on my weight, but who I am is determined by who I choose to become.

9 Tips for Achieving Healthy Living Goals & Finding Life Balance

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #SamsClubMag #CollectiveBias

Almost eight months have passed since you set those new year’s resolutions. Are you closer to achieving those goals or have you made steps in the wrong direction?

My progress has been slow, but I continue to make small changes with the ultimate goal of creating healthy habits that will last a lifetime and not just a couple of weeks.

With August being Health Awareness Month, it’s a good time to take a look at your health (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) and make sure that you are finding the right life balance. It’s a balance that takes mindful planning to achieve.

These tips are some of the ways that have helped me achieve success with my healthy living goals in the past and making this list has been a good reminder for me get back on track with my goals.

 

1. Do the Prep Work

There’s a lot to say for convenience. I am notorious for making bad food choices when I’m hungry. I’ll open the fridge and say, “There’s nothing to eat…”, and proceed to stuff my mouth with whatever is convenient.

Here’s the good news—with a little preparation, even healthy foods can be convenient.

For example, cut up fruits and veggies and have them ready to eat in the fridge. Fill small plastic storage bags (or small reusable containers) with the recommended serving size of your favorite snack to prevent overeating. Cook chicken or salmon on the weekends so that it’s ready to grab for a quick and healthy lunch during the hectic work week.

 

2. Prioritize Quiet Time

We live in an over-scheduled, noisy, and violent world. It’s important to take time to be quiet and listen to nothing other than our own thoughts. If you’re not used to this practice, it may seem difficult at first—but after a while you will come to treasure those peaceful moments.

There are a variety of ways that you can make the most of your quiet time. Sit down and read that book you’ve been meaning to read. Journal your thoughts and enjoy the therapeutic benefits. Meditate or pray to benefit the soul. Even just leisurely sipping a cup of coffee and taking in the scent and taste can be centering.

 

3. Take Vitamins/Supplements

If you’re already taking a daily multivitamin, give yourself a pat on the back! There are a variety of supplements that can benefit body and mind. Taking fish oil can have numerous health benefits, including supporting heart health. If you have trouble sleeping, melatonin supplements can often help. Consult your physician to find out what’s best for you.

When shopping at Sam’s Club, I love to browse the Healthy Living section. They carry everything you could possibly need to stay happy and well. And they have the most heavenly produce section that makes it easy to eat nutritiously. I love being a Sam’s Club member!

 

4. Lend a Hand

Doing good for others is a natural mood booster. There can never be too much kindness in the world. There are a millions ways to give—donate your blood to save lives, volunteer in your community, visit the elderly, drop off a freezer meal at a tired new mom’s house, hold the door open for the person behind you, or shovel your neighbor’s sidewalk in the winter. The possibilities are endless.

 

5. Hydrate

The average human is made up of approximately 65% water. Think about that—over 1/2 of you is water! It’s pretty amazing to think about and proves how essential hydrating with H2O is to human life and health. I feel a million times better when I am well hydrated and I feel even better when I’m using a reusable water bottle—saving the environment one sip at a time!

 

6. Checkup on Your Health

Getting a regular health checkup can save your life. I’ve heard countless stories of people who, during a regular checkup, find out they are in the early stages of cancer, and the fact that it was caught early meant that they were able to effectively treat it. I’ve also heard countless stories of people who ignore the symptoms and end up finding out they have a terminal illness by the time they go to the doctor for a check up. Make yourself a priority and keep tabs on your health.

Sometimes achieving good health means having a health screening done and facing the facts so that you can set goals for improvement. Once you meet those goals, monitoring your health is important in maintaining it. On September 12th, Sam’s Club is offering an in store free health screening—the perfect opportunity to check up on your health.

 

7. Make Physical Activity Fun

I struggle to find exercise that I love to do and I know that’s the secret to being consistent with it. I love to go for bike rides and explore nature trails. I love to swim. Sometimes being active just means that I do whatever I have to do to keep moving—such as going to the mall and walking around window shopping.

I have also enjoyed running numerous 5Ks and saving my race bibs to make a fun collage, which is displayed in my workout room. I’ve earned one medal for participation, but it is a goal of mine to someday earn a medal for placing in my age group. Setting goals like this can make exercise more fun because you have something to work towards.

But the struggle is real and that’s why finding an exercise that you enjoy doing is so important. You have to love what you do!

 

8. Be a Lifelong Learner

You literally can never stop learning. Isn’t the thought of that inspiring? There is so much more to learn and discover!

One of my favorite ways to continue learning is to listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning the house. It makes an otherwise dreadful task more bearable. I am a bit of a nerd, so I listen to a podcast about grammar, but I also listen to podcasts about finance, personal development, creative inspiration, current events, and healthy living. I know that I am better because of it.

I also love to read, whether it be literature, news stories, or light hearted essays. The Sam’s Club Healthy Living Made Simple Magazine is a great source for keeping up with healthy living topics.

 

9. Unplug and Unwind

While scrolling through social media is enticing, you can waste a lot of time reading about the lives of others while you’re completely wasting away your own. Every once in a while, completely unplug—put the phone down, turn off Netflix, and shut down your laptop.

Grab some friends and family and have some good old-fashioned fun. Go for a picnic, play a board game, toss a ball around, or even run through the sprinkler. Live life. Enjoy life. You’ll never regret it and I’m also willing to bet that you’ll be much happier with the memories of a good time spent with loved ones than you would be if you sat on the couch looking at your phone.

Making good memories will give you something to smile about later—it’s just simply good for your health!

 

These are just a few of the many ways to find life balance for physical, emotional, and spiritual healthy living. Sam’s Club has everything I need to work towards my healthy living goals.

What’s your favorite item at Sam’s Club that helps you work towards your healthy living goals?

P.S. Don’t forget to get your free Health Screening at Sam’s Club!

Weigh in Day Surprise: The Journey of Renovation in Weight Loss and Self-Love

I really messed it up this past week. I mean really badly. I was out of control with my eating.

I think it’s because I have been stressing about having a guest today. I’m feeling a lot better at the moment because I finally finished cleaning the entire house, with the exception of our bedroom—which will be my next project. I mean really and truly clean—hardly hiding any messes! You know what I mean? ha

I also have been pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in some relationships. I am a work in progress and I am seeing change in myself that I thought would never, ever happen. And it’s rewarding to me. It has brought me peace of heart in a way that I cannot explain. But it has been a little stressful for me—but as I keep going, it will get easier and more comfortable.

But anyways, I was expecting a gain this morning. I feel horrible. I look horribly bloated from the terrible food choices (sugary sweets). I don’t know how I did for points because I stopped tracking, once again.

In the midst of all of this, I am paying attention to how I am feeling, how I’m reacting, and I’m journaling it all. I just know I am going to conquer this lifelong demon that I have let control me (a part of myself without good judgment).

So get on with already, Alissa!

I lost 2.2 lbs. this week. Total loss of 9.4 lbs. I didn’t earn it in the least bit, but I’m going to take it and let it motivate me to do better.

Now that I think about it, I have made some positive changes and progress that doesn’t show on the scale but that I think will help me in the long run. I’m in the midst of transformation and renovation.

Everyone knows that a cocoon isn’t very beautiful, but the butterfly is.

When an old building is renovated, there’s a lost of dust, junk, and a lot of mess. But when an old building is renewed, it’s sometimes even more beautiful than it was in the first place.

This process is messy. It’s ugly. It even hurts sometimes.

But just like when I don’t have the energy to truly clean the house and it’s easier to just hide messes, I refuse to just hide my problems and struggles so that I don’t have to acknowledge them.

Not this time.

Not ever again.

I’m under construction right now, but after a lot of hard work and dedication (not just on the scale) I will be transformed into something more beautiful than ever before.

The walls I’ve built up will come down. The junk will be emptied out of the drawers (and my trunk - ha). I will be renewed and ready to face down those demons once and for all.

But for now, I am still a work in progress.

A History of Emotional Eating, Introspection, and Journaling

As a start to my therapy to find out why I struggle so much with emotional eating, I have been journaling when I eat and I know I’m eating for emotional reasons and not because I’m actually hungry.

I am ok with eating when I’m just enjoying a moment where food is involved—like enjoying a s’more or a delicious meal with family. I know that these occasional indulgences are not the root of my problem—it’s the overeating, or perhaps the bingeing, that I do in response to emotions.

Journaling has been eye opening. If you’re a long time reader, you know that I used to journal my food every day via pictures here on my blog. I would talk about a lot of things that happened throughout my day and how I was feeling. But the type of journaling that I’m doing now is much different and it is helping me become aware of what it feels like when I want to eat/binge on chocolate. Chocolate seems to be my drug of choice.

Here is how I was feeling before I decided to eat whatever food I was eating for emotional reasons within the past week:

emotionally drained, tired, overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, hormonal, anxious, frustrated, stressed, and feeling judged.

Now that I’ve been paying attention, I can literally feel it coming on. My entire body becomes tense, I feel tired, and the only thing I can think about is getting that sugar fix. Literally, I cannot get it off of my mind. And sometimes I feel better after eating something, but most of the time I don’t and it leads to a downward spiral.

This is certainly not something new and sugar/chocolate has not always been my fix. I can actually pinpoint exactly when chocolate became my drug of choice.

It began when I was 18 years old and was working a summer in Branson, MO and living with my aunt and uncle. I was working my first job. I was trying to come out of my shell and make friends, etc. It was so incredibly stressful for me, which now I understand is simply because I am an introvert (for the most part). I would have been better suited finding friends who enjoyed talking about literature and current events—but those are hard to find and I didn’t know at that time really who I was.

One day after work, I sat in the living room and I started eating Cadbury fruit and nut bites. Of course, I thought they were kind of healthy because they had fruit and nuts—ha. My aunt came home (she also has weight issues), and saw my pile of wrappers on the end table and asked me if I had eaten all of them.

I was shocked when I looked over and saw how many I had eaten. Probably 15 pieces or so. It was completely mindless. Maybe that’s why I felt like I needed it—it was like an escape from everything I was feeling. All I had to focus on was the rich, creamy chocolate melting in my mouth and sending my endorphins into overdrive. In those moments I felt better.

I remember shrugging it off and telling my aunt that it wasn’t a big deal. I believe she warned me about diabetes, something that she suffers from. But her attitude was judgmental and it hurt. I felt so much shame. After that, I would use one wrapper and crumple up the wrappers into little pieces and stick them inside the one wrapper so no one could see how many pieces I had actually eaten if they happened to see wrappers in the trash can. Now I see how that is disordered eating and probably considered bingeing.

Prior to those days, my drug of choice was anything that was junk food.

Middle school was incredibly stressful for me. Now I know that I have probably suffered from anxiety pretty much my entire life, but I didn’t know that then. Other kids made fun of me because I was larger than they were. I was awkward in my gym uniform and even less coordinated in sports. I hated changing clothes in the locker room. I hated putting on my swimsuit on my overweight body and having to swim with my entire class while we were in our swimming unit of the curriculum. I hated the laughs as the water splashed when I was required to jump off of the diving board. I was bullied by teachers. I could hardly fit in the small desks. I was painfully shy and would lose all train of thought if called upon in class, making me look like an idiot.

That’s a lot for a 13 year old.

I wouldn’t eat lunch at school because I was too embarrassed to eat in front of people. This meant I would be starving after school and usually have a headache. I would go home and eat anything I could find that wasn’t healthy.

I specifically remember a time when we had a guest at our house. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating and reading the comics from the newspaper—I yearned for this moment every day. I was eating an entire can of vegetable soup and eating bbq chips straight out of the bag.

I kept eating, and eating, and eating.

This guest took the bag of chips and closed it and put a clip on it, saying I had probably eaten enough. This made me angry and embarrassed. I reopened the bag and continued to eat them because well, she wasn’t the boss of me. But now I can see that she saw something that I was not able to see—disordered eating. I don’t know if she judged me for just eating too much, or if she really saw that I was eating for the wrong reasons. I don’t know. But I do know that it hurt. And I continued to feel ashamed.

These habits have never left me. When the going gets tough, I reach for food. When the mountain gets too steep, I stuff chocolate in my mouth. When I am sad, anxious, angry, stressed, or tired—I turn to food.

I have not talked about these events since the day they happened. I am doing a lot of introspection and am finally seeing the error of my ways and I want to change. Right now, I am just tracking what I am doing without really working through stopping myself quite yet. I want to figure out what’s triggering the eating first. I do use some self-control here and there, so it’s not like it’s a free for all. But I know my signs and I know when I’m eating for the wrong reasons.

I’m not quite sure what the overall point of this post is, other than to just express and admit some of my issues with emotional eating. There are so many emotions attached to food and it’s unhealthy for me. I hope that somehow I can get to the bottom of this and learn how to cope in a healthier way.

 

Can you relate to my eating issues? What has been your experience?

My Journey: Therapy for my Emotional Eating Habit

A few years ago, the thought of talking to someone about my emotional eating tendencies would have scared me enough that I would have never considered it. And I never did, until now.

I hit rock bottom this year, thanks to postpartum depression. Because of that, I was more than willing to go to therapy to work through my emotions and learn the coping skills that I so desperately needed to simply function and overcome the anxiety that I had developed. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still haven’t completely recovered. It’s a process that takes time and a lot of work.

I had a therapy session yesterday where we talked about how I feel like my hubby and baby girl deserve someone much better than me. It was the hardest session that I’ve had yet and it made me realize how deeply I have shoved my emotions into my heart.

We focused on how I feel like my hubby deserves a woman who has it more together. Someone who doesn’t have all of my issues. Someone who is fit, thin, and beautiful. Someone the opposite of me. And once again, it all came down to  poor body image, intense feelings of shame & guilt, and not loving & accepting myself.

We talked about my pregnancy and how I never really got to enjoy it because I was always worried about my weight and felt like I was ugly & huge. I never got to experience really having a “baby bump” because I already had a plump figure. No one could even tell that I was pregnant—it just looked like I was getting fatter and fatter.

I told her about something my doctor did to me in the last few weeks of pregnancy and the emotions and shame swept over me like it had just happened again. I sobbed. My heart is still broken over that and I never took the time to heal and come to terms with the experience, which is why I still feel the pain of it so strongly. I feel like it is finally time to blog about that experience so that I can finally heal. I’ll share that when I have the time & gain the courage.

It all came down to my weight, my negative body image, and my negative self image—once again. And I believe that may be the root of my problem. I don’t love myself. I absolutely hate myself. That didn’t just happen over night but it has been a lifelong accumulation of negative self talk, and believing what any person said about me like it was the gospel truth. It’s because of a lack of confidence. It’s a feeling of unworthiness.

My therapist seems fairly religious and I am thankful for that because she brings insight into how God might view my situation. Her thoughts cause me to think differently about my experiences and it helps to spin a more positive light on my situation.

My biggest take away from this appointment was that God created me and He knows that I am not perfect and that I will never be perfect. But if I am living my life trying to become what would please God, then that is enough. He loves me, despite the fact that I am imperfect.

Maybe I don’t have the perfect body and I struggle with my weight. Maybe I have postpartum depression. Maybe I am not perfect. But because of these physical & emotional imperfections, great things have been done in my heart.

If was had been born with a perfect body and no eating issues, I would never have been able to understand what it’s like to be bullied & belittled and maybe I would never have had the empathy that I have now. I never would have needed this blog as an outlet. Perhaps the entire course of my life would have changed, and quite honestly—I have a pretty good life the way it is.

Life may have been a lot less complicated and easier if I had not been predisposed to postpartum depression. But if it had never happened, the restoration that is occurring in my heart and soul would never have happened. Once again, it has helped me to have empathy and compassion for others.  It has caused me to seek out God more earnestly. The experience has improved my marriage and brought us even closer together. And it is because of this experience that I am even beginning this journey of therapy to address the issues that have lead to my weight problem.

How can I have shame about my perceived imperfections when these are the very tools which have molded me into who I am?

How can I expect to attain perfection when God has created me knowing that I will be imperfect, and yet loves me anyway?

These questions are like the effect of the warmth of the rising sun on a densely foggy morning—they dissipate the fears and bring clarity to the distant horizon. It’s a start. I can see my goal, but the road to get there is still long and winding.

My mission for the next couple of weeks is to begin to track my emotions when I “go off track” or when I am eating for reasons other than hunger. I stopped at Target and bought a little notebook that I will keep in my purse. And wouldn’t you know that my first entry is: ate a chocolate chip cookie from Starbucks because I was emotionally drained after therapy.

It is amazing how physically draining emotions can be. After the appointment, I never did get my energy back. I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. I feel better after a good night’s sleep.

This was my first therapy session where we discussed how I need help with the psychological reasons of why I am overweight. She told me this is something that we can work on. And that gives me hope. By journaling, she believes this will bring insight into why I am overeating, etc. and then we can go from there.

And so this is only the beginning.

Before I became a Stay at Home Mom

Last week, I asked you to submit any questions you had for me on a Get to Know Me post. I will be answering those questions in posts, starting with this one from Finding Lori.

It is hard to believe that I have been a stay at home mom for over a year now. It seems like just yesterday that I worked a 40 hour traditional job. Being a mom has been more challenging than any job I have ever had, but it also has more benefits.

In January of 2007, I escaped the horrible life of working in retail and began working at a call center. I was working on completing my last “two years” of a B.A. in English Language and Literature and this new job turned out to be the perfect job as a student because I was often able to study at work.

I worked on various accounts and with each one I learned more. I learned about taxes and engines and eventually ended up with a door and window company in August of 2007. Let me tell you, call center agents are not paid nearly enough for the abuse received from some customers. It is an emotionally draining job.

I learned the most at this last account and I know way too much about windows and doors. I have installed the products, taken them apart and reassembled them, ordered parts, toured multiple factories, diagnosed service problems, ordered countless parts, and talked thousands of customers through the steps of fixing their products. It was not a job for the weary, I will tell you that. The turnover rate was pretty high and it took considerable time for people to “catch on”. It was a constant learning experience.

In 2011, I finally graduated from college. It took me four years to finish the last “two years” because I was also working full time. At this point, I was ready to find a new job. I actually hated working at a call center by this time (not as much as I hated retail though). There were unrealistic expectations at times (most of which have been changed), crazy drama, and office politics. I was so happy when I was able to begin working from home, but I still dreaded my work days.

Around this time I began working part time as a newspaper reporter in addition to my full time job. Eventually, I worked part time hours at both. Being a reporter was a good experience for me because I got to know a lot of people in my small town and learned how much I love to hear & write about others, but after about a year I realized that this wasn’t the job for me.

During this time, I was also offered a new position at my other job and I finally started to love my job—at least the work part of it, but not being highly underpaid. I was back to working full time hours at this place again.

This was a new program for which I was the first writer. I wrote content for both customers and phone agents. The type of work that I did at first would be considered technical writing.

After a while, the program expanded and the corporate office hired someone at their location with the same degree I had. I don’t think the client actually knew I had a degree—either way, I was doing the work which I was qualified for while still earning the same paycheck as I did as a call center agent. I was super bummed--but so it goes when you work for a call center because you don’t actually work for the client. It was really frustrating to realize that there was no way I could move up any further as a writer with this type of client relationship at a call center.

And so I decided to look at the job as simply a way to get experience. And it was great experience. As the program became a little more organized, they gave us official role names. For a while I was an editor until they decided to only have editors at the corporate location again—another bummer. And then I was a content author.

Long story short, I wrote articles and instructions for both agents and customers. This was written for the web, so it was much like blogging where I also included pictures, etc. I created an entire glossary for the company and even drew many of the pictures myself—I was pretty proud of it and so was the company. I wrote countless articles about varied topics.

Eventually, I was the only person at my office working on this program again. I was responsible for training the entire team, of about 40 people, as we learned more and more about the program—until they delegated that task to the “trainer” of the account and so I assisted her when she needed. It was a constant shift in organization as they figured out how it should be organized using their current structure of people.

I was pretty happy that maternity leave was nearing. I worked on creating a training guide and trained the person who would fill in for me when I was gone. I tried to have everything in order and a lot of organization to the way everything worked so it would always go smoothly.

After a long day at work and after having just taken on another project, I went into labor later on that evening and baby girl was born the next day. I eventually made the final decision that I would be a SAHM and went into the office one more time to talk to my boss and give my resignation. He told me that the call center and the client were really going to miss me and if I ever wanted to come back he would hire me immediately. I’m glad that I left on such good terms.

This job showed me how much I disliked working in the “business” world. I used to have to go on business trips and sit in meetings and get through dinners out with the clients. The people were super nice & the fancy restaurants were amazing, don’t get me wrong, but I just didn’t feel like it was where I belonged. I hated the competition and the way people acted to try to move their way up. That just isn’t me—I am a genuine person and don’t fake who I am.

But I did love the challenge of my job. I loved having to research and work on technical questions. I enjoyed working through a problem with a product and then figuring out how to put it all into words so that a 5th grader could understand the process. The mental challenge was awesome and kept me from getting bored and feeling unchallenged. I loved being able to work alone but also collaborate as a team.

Overall, I think I hated more aspects of my job than I loved but it was a great experience for 7 years. I learned a lot about myself. More than anything, I learned that jobs will always disappoint you in the end so it’s important not to put your entire life and soul into the job. Faith and family are most important to me and no job will ever rob me of either—it’s all about priorities.

And so this all contributed to my decision to be a SAHM and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to do so. It means less money & expensive things, but the trade off is worth it to me. Now I am able to chase after my real dream of being a writer and publish a book. I’m just getting started!

Forgiveness

At my last job, I worked with a woman who was broken. Because she was broken she acted in ways that were unacceptable in the work environment and it often landed her in trouble and disciplinary action.

She struggled with severe mental health disorders. Sometimes she would sit at her desk and cry all day. If she came to work in the morning and noticed that someone had moved something on her desk, she would become extremely upset. At one point she left a threatening note about how she would harm the person who had moved something on her desk.

She was one of the most difficult people that I’ve ever known and while I did my best to be kind and patient with her, I sometimes failed. We had the most opposite of personalities—she was loud, boisterous, and frequently had conflicts with co-workers. She could be incredibly belittling to others. 

My position required that I had to edit her work and she did not respond well to that. At one point I feared for my life…no joke. Her work ethic was horrible. Ultimately, she was not someone whom I wished to remain in contact with after I no longer worked with her and therefore I cut off my ties.

Almost a year after, I experienced what it was like to be depressed. I found myself crying all day and unable to stop. I became that angry person and would start conflicts with my husband. I became a person that I did not recognize—I felt like a horrible human being. Part of the role of a SAHM is to keep the house and slowly the housework started to pile up. If someone didn’t understand, they might think I had a horrible work ethic.

And then I remembered my co-worker. I could not get her out of my mind. Some of the things I said to her in my ignorance felt like a sharp knife to my soul. I was ashamed of how I had sometimes treated her in my frustration. It kept weighing heavily on my heart and, after much thought, I knew I had to do something about it.

Recently, I reached out to her and apologized for how I had acted and the things I had said in ignorance. I told her that I now understood what it is like to be depressed and to have anxiety issues. I told her I was sorry for not being as kind and understanding as I should have been.

She accepted my apology and told me I was absolutely forgiven. She wished me the best in the future. And that was that—there was no need to try to become friends or any of that, but I was forgiven and our slate was wiped clean. I hoped that what I had done was the right thing to do and I felt like it was.

While I felt a relief, I didn’t feel 100% peace. I kept thinking of various things I had said or how I had acted toward her during her outbursts. I hated myself for having been so ignorant. I felt like a hypocrite because at the time I was doing what I thought was right—but now I understand it wasn’t. I felt ashamed and guilty.

That’s when I realized that while she had forgiven me, I wasn’t forgiving myself. My therapist pointed this out during one of our sessions, regarding a different situation. I don’t know how to forgive myself.

(source)

Forgive and forget. This isn’t just something that we do for others but we also need to do this for ourselves. The only difference is that instead of forgetting, we learn. I did the best that I could with what I knew at the time.

Today, I know so much more than I did yesterday—but I must forgive myself “for not knowing what I didn’t know before I learned it”.

It’s hard to think about how I may have unintentionally hurt another person. We are limited in knowing only what experience has taught us. While I am repentant and regretful, the experience has taught me and I will never make the same mistake again—I am a changed person because life has taught me that change was necessary.

Now that I have made it right with my co-worker, I have to accept that I can now close the book and place the lesson onto the shelf in my mind that holds the wisdom of life experience. I must also forgive myself before I can move on and truly be free.