Little Victories!

Yesterday was a little more of a challenge. I was hungry all day and was really craving sweets.

I actually broke down and baked a cake mix and whipped up a little frosting. I was feeling really guilty about it but continued to tell myself what I recently learned in my Beat Binge Eating program.

There is nothing wrong with a small sweet treat.

I ate one piece and felt satisfied, yet there was something about that feeling of "cheating" that started to get to me. I wanted to go back into the kitchen and have more.

I stood at the stove and looked at the cake. I had a silent conversation with myself and asked, "If this cake were unlimited and I could eat it whenever I wanted to without any guilt, would I still want another piece?" The answer was no.

And so that was it! I only ate one piece and I felt very satisfied! The sweets craving went away and I continued on with my evening.

That's a HUGE triumph for me!

I admit, I am still battling those thoughts of the "all or nothing" mentality. I keep telling myself that it takes little steps and consistency.

Someone commented the other day about my eating habits and deeper issues. You mentioned that maybe I needed to let go of the shakes.

Deep down, I know you are right. I keep fighting it, hoping for different results. I have friendships intertwined with this program and that makes it a little tougher to try to let go of. Although, I don't want to let go of it 100% because I do believe it makes me feel better. I just have to make it my own, and that's what I'm trying to do!

So like you said, I shouldn't feel guilty for eating a salad with a shake. If that's what helps keep me on track to healthier living-- that's perfectly ok!

Weigh in Day: How did I get here?

 

I had another gain this week which puts me only a couple of pounds below my starting weight. And I can feel it.

My body feels huge and unfamiliar. This isn’t me. It can’t be. I’ve already successfully lost a lot of weight—how can I find it such an impossible task now?

It’s because I never fixed the root cause and I do believe the cause is emotional eating.

I saw a picture of myself sitting down yesterday. For some reason sitting down pictures are just horrific—all of the blubber piles up and isn’t distributed like when I’m standing up. I couldn’t believe it was me. I seriously did not know I was that big. How did that happen?

Yesterday was the first time I couldn’t do something with my daughter that I wanted to because of my weight. There was this giant jumping pillow and it said you had to weigh less than 225 lbs. to jump on it. I hated that. I was able to take her down this huge slide though.

I’ve begun again today and I’m tracking my food, which hasn’t been happening regularly.

I feel like I’m at a great place to begin addressing the emotional eating issues again. I’m going to make an appointment to meet with my therapist again when I can—probably not for a couple of weeks.

I am feeling really well lately (except for the brief few days last weekend). I have my old energy back.

I met a friend for a little outing last week and went to the fall festival yesterday. I never would have survived either of those activities a few weeks ago without breaking down in tears.

I’ve actually kept the house relatively clean for about three weeks now. It helps that the FIL has been coming over pretty regularly! haha But really, I have been doing a great job keeping the house looking good. I’ve also kept up on the laundry and have cooked some new recipes! That’s pretty good comparing to where I have been.

This afternoon I was feeling that emotional eating feeling and I wanted to stuff my face with sugar. I stopped and I thought about it and made a conscious decision to drink a cup of coffee instead. It wasn’t long and the feeling passed and I felt just fine. Victory! I can do this, but it will take a lot of mindfulness.

But I just have to do this. I cannot gain any more weight or get any larger. I’m miserable, so why do I keep doing this to myself? I know I’m not alone in this but it sure feels like I’m the only weird one.

Anyways, thanks for reading and have a great weekend!

Weigh in Day Surprise: The Journey of Renovation in Weight Loss and Self-Love

I really messed it up this past week. I mean really badly. I was out of control with my eating.

I think it’s because I have been stressing about having a guest today. I’m feeling a lot better at the moment because I finally finished cleaning the entire house, with the exception of our bedroom—which will be my next project. I mean really and truly clean—hardly hiding any messes! You know what I mean? ha

I also have been pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in some relationships. I am a work in progress and I am seeing change in myself that I thought would never, ever happen. And it’s rewarding to me. It has brought me peace of heart in a way that I cannot explain. But it has been a little stressful for me—but as I keep going, it will get easier and more comfortable.

But anyways, I was expecting a gain this morning. I feel horrible. I look horribly bloated from the terrible food choices (sugary sweets). I don’t know how I did for points because I stopped tracking, once again.

In the midst of all of this, I am paying attention to how I am feeling, how I’m reacting, and I’m journaling it all. I just know I am going to conquer this lifelong demon that I have let control me (a part of myself without good judgment).

So get on with already, Alissa!

I lost 2.2 lbs. this week. Total loss of 9.4 lbs. I didn’t earn it in the least bit, but I’m going to take it and let it motivate me to do better.

Now that I think about it, I have made some positive changes and progress that doesn’t show on the scale but that I think will help me in the long run. I’m in the midst of transformation and renovation.

Everyone knows that a cocoon isn’t very beautiful, but the butterfly is.

When an old building is renovated, there’s a lost of dust, junk, and a lot of mess. But when an old building is renewed, it’s sometimes even more beautiful than it was in the first place.

This process is messy. It’s ugly. It even hurts sometimes.

But just like when I don’t have the energy to truly clean the house and it’s easier to just hide messes, I refuse to just hide my problems and struggles so that I don’t have to acknowledge them.

Not this time.

Not ever again.

I’m under construction right now, but after a lot of hard work and dedication (not just on the scale) I will be transformed into something more beautiful than ever before.

The walls I’ve built up will come down. The junk will be emptied out of the drawers (and my trunk - ha). I will be renewed and ready to face down those demons once and for all.

But for now, I am still a work in progress.

Weigh in & 2015 Goal Check in

I was 100% on track for the first time in about a month and do you know what I was rewarded with?

A 1.1 lb. GAIN!

Isn’t it funny how that works? I have been feeling a little “off” the past couple of days…like my body is up to something. So, I’m guessing it’s water weight or something.

I had a lot of NSVs this week, so I’m not really worried about it. I started the Couch to 5K, I was significantly more active, and I only succumbed to emotional eating once. I am seeing progress!

	This Week	Last Week
Weekly Points Used:	49/49	--
Activity Points Earned:	27	11
Activity Points Used:	11	--
Total Steps:	51,990	37,286
Weight Change:	+1.1	-1.6
Total Weight Loss:	-10.2 lbs.

---

It has been quite a while since I checked in with my 2015 goals—so I thought I would do that today since it’s the beginning of the month.

Lose Weight	I’m down 10.2 lbs. since April.
Exercise Regularly	As of this last week I have been walking more and also started the Couch to 5K.
Be Present (unplugged)	I’m still working on this one, but I feel like I have made a little bit of progress. I try to pick up a book more often instead of my phone.
A Single Step (towards being a writer)	I am making progress. I am working on establishing a schedule and setting aside time to write. I have book plans. I’ve contacted an old professor for advice. I’m working on believing in myself.
Make New Friends	Hmmm… sort of. I’ll count new friends when I actually spend time with someone in person. So no, haven’t met this goal yet.
Budget	Ummm… Nope.
Purge	This past month, my biggest accomplishment was purging my tank top drawer. I sold almost all of them. I also attempted to sell some cookbooks, etc. but no luck.
Blog More	Most definitely. I’ve really been enjoying it, although sometimes sharing makes me feel insecure when I don’t get many comments.
Read More	I finished reading What You Can When You Can, and have started reading three more books. I should probably focus on one…
A Better Me	Since being diagnosed with PPD, I have made incredible strides. I’m certainly not perfect, but the therapy has helped and I’ve been doing a lot of emotional work and soul searching.

Not too bad! Looks like I better get back on budget and start making some new friends—the year is half over!

Have a fantastic weekend!

How was your weigh in?

Weekend, Motherhood, C25K, Aspirations, and Gratitude

I had a much needed restful weekend. After Friday night, I actually didn’t leave the house once—I didn’t even go outside. And for me, that’s what I need to center myself again and recover. When I feel like that, I just don’t want anyone to see me—which I think is a pretty common feeling of those who suffer from depression.

We enjoyed supper out at a Mexican restaurant on Friday—it was delicious. My strategy at Mexican restaurants has always been to avoid the rice and beans. I’d much rather use points on the flavorful food. Most restaurants will bring you a salad instead if you request it. I also always make sure to get my meal grilled or “soft” instead of fried. This saves points and calories.

On Saturday, I straightened up the house that routinely falls apart when I fall apart. I cannot stand clutter. I am on a mission to get rid of things—I’d like to make a few extra bucks doing so but that takes time. So I guess I’ll go slow, but it needs to be done.

In the afternoon, hubby actually told me to have some time to myself and to finish up a movie that we started that he didn’t like. That was wonderful, plus he spent time with baby girl and she loves her daddy. I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel, which wasn’t all that spectacular but it was somewhat interesting to watch. I just enjoyed some much needed alone time.

I am finding that sometimes I just need to be alone with nobody telling me they need something, no complaining and whining, and no one touching me. I know that probably sounds horrible, but even just 15 minutes or an hour and I feel so much better and I’m re-energized and ready to go again. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family so so much and I love being with them and they are a blessing to me, which I am so thankful for. But do any other moms just not want to be needed sometimes? I’m beginning to see that just a little alone time is really important as a mom. Please tell me someone understands this! It makes me feel guilty to “say” it.

Sunday was just a low key day spending time as a family. Last night, baby girl actually laid her head down on my chest and let me sing to her and rock her. Usually she just can’t sit still anymore! That was precious and I savored that moment.

I think that avoiding stress was just what I needed. I am feeling better today and more energized again. I woke up early but felt lazy and just wanted to lay in bed. After breakfast, baby girl was pretty whiney so I decided I’d go for my Day 2 C25K run outside to keep her entertained. I knew I had to get it done this morning because it’s supposed to rain this afternoon (again). I had already made my coffee and everything—but I left it for later and went outside to get it done. (I’m enjoying that re-heated coffee now!)

This was my first jog outside pushing baby girl in the stroller. I liked pushing the stroller—it made me feel like I could hide behind it. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be—but my course was pretty flat.

The pushing of the stroller part was not that hard on my arms, I should say. After completing the workout, I still felt like I was going to die! It was so hot and I was sweating before I even left. There isn’t a lot of shade and the sun was so hot. But, it does make the workout go faster when you’re outside, except that I ended my workout on the other side of town and had to walk home almost another mile. But it’s all about activity.

I was interested to see how my stats compared with my treadmill workout. My average calorie burn per minute was the same. Since I was pushing the stroller, I couldn’t wear my Fitbit on my wrist to track my heart rate so I don’t know how that compares. My workout was also significantly longer since I had to walk so far home. The good news is that I earned 5,217 steps, burned 487 calories and completed 2.33 miles. I’m proud of that.

I was super duper red after my workout!! Told you that I was hot!

I signed up for our annual 4th of July 5K. My dad told me he would walk with me. I just want to walk this year—no pressure. I don’t want to be exhausted for the entire day from wearing myself out. Something is better than nothing! I think hubby is going to try to run it—we’ll see.

I feel like I have an awful lot of quit in me—but I am proving that I still have a little motivation in there too. I am proud of my progress so far and I think it’s important for me to build my self confidence and self image.

I have a whole bunch of thoughts to share with you on self image but I’m going to save it for another day because this post is getting pretty long!

Oh, another thing—I am officially going to work on writing my first book. Thank you for those of you who gave me the kindest compliments on my writing—it was just the push that I needed to take the plunge. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I have to start somewhere! It will be a collection of memoirs/personal essays on postpartum depression. I have shared quite a few of them here on the blog and I will edit those to polish them and also write many more.

I’m almost done here—but I just wanted to say how thankful I am for where I am in my life right now. I am overwhelmed most of the time, but this too shall pass as I overcome the PPD and work on bettering myself physically and emotionally. I am incredibly lucky to be able to go after my dream and I am thankful to my husband for providing so that I can do that. I have always wanted to write, but it seemed with working full time, going to school, taking care of the house, etc. etc. that I just never found the time to really put my mind to it. I have the opportunity to make time for writing now and I’m really excited about that. I feel like I’ve finally found my niche and my voice. I could also share a million thoughts about self image and identity on this one too, but I’ll save that for another post.

Have a great week!

#Postpartumdepression Rearing its Ugly Head & Health Update

Postpartum Depression: A bit of a Relapse

On Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I kind of lost my energy streak. I felt exhausted and noticed my thinking start to revert back to my postpartum depression ways where I would be worrying about things that I didn’t need to worry about, even in the middle of the night. (we’re talking about things that happened in elementary school here…)

I ended up doing a lot of napping when baby napped, which is when I would normally use that time to get in some steps or do things around the house, etc. I took 2 hour naps all three days—I really seemed to need it!

Sunday was a big day for me and the first time in probably a month that I got out of the house to go to our church meeting. I was very anxious in the morning and even though I wanted to brave it without any help, I went ahead and took a fast-acting pill for anxiety. That seemed to kind of mute my anxiety a bit.

I made it through about 3/4 of the 2 hours and I started to feel completely exhausted. I had taken baby girl out and I was just pushing her around in the stroller a bit and trying to keep her quiet. My hubby and I have a system where he keeps his cell phone handy so if I need him I can text him—so I thought I would text him and maybe he could watch baby and I could sit and listen since I felt so worn out.

So he gladly came out and took care of baby and I went and sat down to listen. I sat there about 2 minutes before I just started crying. I think I was just holding it all in and when I had a moment to relax, it just all came out—all of the physical pressure I was feeling inside from the anxiety, all of the stress, etc. I quickly left the room before I started crying too much because I can’t seem to cry quietly and always end up snorting or something. lol

I found hubby and he comforted me and I told him I just had to go. I was done for. Completely drained and I couldn’t do it anymore. The thing is, I really don’t know exactly what triggers it. I think it’s definitely a social anxiety, but I didn’t have to interact with a single person. There’s something about being in the same room with a bunch of people that just completely overwhelms me and it doesn’t make any logical sense—it’s just the way my body is reacting. I had all of the symptoms: chest pain, tingly arms, feeling shaky (and physically shaking a little), etc. I thought I was done with all of that!!! Turns out, I had just been avoiding true social events that are my biggest triggers.

My sister pointed out that this is my only real “social” type activity and that’s why I am struggling with it so much. That does make sense and makes me feel a lot better. I want so much to be there and I know it’s not my faith that’s wavering at all. It just makes me sad that I’m going through this—but I’m not going to let it conquer me. I know that God understands and I am so thankful for that.

Weight Watchers & Steps Update

Needless to say, I didn’t meet my step goal any day this weekend. When I first began this journey again, I told myself that I would be having these days and that when I did—I needed to rest and be ok with that. It’s easy to want to throw in the towel when you don’t meet your goals, but I think it’s important that I cut myself some slack and understand that what my mind & body needed was to rest. So It’s all ok and I am not a failure.

Not all of my steps were counted because I didn’t have a pocket when I was pushing the stroller on Sunday—bummer!

I am proud of myself on the eating front. I did very well. I really, really, really wanted to eat a bunch of chocolate to try to make myself feel better (emotional eating). BUT, I didn’t. I had a single serving of chocolate and that was it. No going crazy. I realized I was tired and worn out, so I slept instead of bingeing on chocolate. That’s a NSV for sure.

However, since we had dinner at hubby’s parent’s house, I did end up using some weeklies. I’m ok with that. It was a delicious meal and I enjoyed all of it.

Ultimately, I feel like I’m still on track and going strong! I am feeling much better this morning. The weather is beautiful and I can’t wait to get outside to go for a walk and to push baby girl in her new swing.

How was your weekend?