First Weekend on Weight Watchers

This weekend opened my eyes to how bad my eating habits have gotten! It was definitely no secret that I wasn't eating right-- but tracking what I'm eating has been an eye opener. I have definitely been eating too many carbs and not enough fruits, veggies, and protein. I have been grabbing what's easy.

We went on a short road trip on Saturday and stopped to grab some coffee at McDonalds. When I looked up the points for the latte I ordered, I saw that it was 21 points. TWENTY-ONE! Can you believe that? So that really messed things up for me-- lesson learned!

I have a lot of work to do, but I guess that's the point!

Since my problem is primarily psychological-- I need to be very careful to not be hard on myself. That means giving myself grace when I fumble around in these first couple of weeks as I get used to developing good eating habits again.

Somehow, I've developed this inner voice that is self-depreciating whenever I do not eat "perfectly". It's like playing all of those negative and judgemental blog comments that I used to get in my head over and over.

Something that I learned from my binge eating program was about the repetitive cycle that goes on. Here is a graphic which explains it.

Does this sound familiar? This is exactly why I am trying to give myself grace. I have felt that anxiety building up about not "following the plan" properly. I tell myself that it's ok and that it's what I do 90% of the time that will make the difference. If I dwell on that 10% when I feel like I've "messed up" the plan-- then I will slide backwards.

The goal is to keep my eyes focused on the outcome and what I want to be instead of what I don't want to be!

Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the big day!

I am calling it day one. We won't go over how many "day ones" I've had! But you have not failed until you've failed to try, right?

Sometimes I feel like when I share my latest method of trying to lose weight that I'm not only disappointing myself but also disappointing everyone else. I know it doesn't really matter. I see the success that others continue to have on the same program I was on and I feel very ashamed and embarrassed. Just know that what I am going to do is a very sustainable and healthy method.

It's not that the plan didn't work, but it apparently wasn't sustainable for me and I believe it was a huge trigger to my binge eating, as you mentioned it was for you too, Karla. So thankful you posted that so I knew I wasn't alone in this.

But to see so many people losing pound after pound, it really crushes me. I am proud of them, but it crushes me. That could have been me. I have failed, yet again. And then there's the business side of it that I want to be a part of, but I know that I cannot because I cannot be authentic.

I knew in my heart that it was not a sustainable way to lose weight and keep it off, but I clutch onto every little hope that comes around. I have learned that these types of programs can be a very big problem for those of us with disordered eating. I just need to learn now to share what I'm doing with anyone so I don't have to feel the shame!

Weight, Body, and Food Obsessed

Thank you to everyone who either commented or contacted me personally to tell me that you could relate to my last post about body image. I really appreciate it. It inspires me to try to put words to the thoughts and emotions that I have regarding body image and so much more.

I am feeling a lot more optimistic now... but that could be because I haven't looked in a full length mirror! It is what it is, and I continue on trying to figure out what makes me get stuck in a cycle of losing weight and gaining it back.

I will never stop trying to figure it out.

Since starting the program that I'm doing currently, I have slowly felt a healthier relationship with food beginning to form. I am not dieting in any way. I am trying to listen to my body. I am not restricting or banning certain foods. There are no "good" foods and no "bad" foods-- only foods that make my body feel good and those which make my body feel bad.

Ultimately, I think our bodies know what they need. Somehow, our minds have become warped by the diet industry in general. We are lead to believe that our bodies don't know what they need and we must control what we eat in order to reach the weight we think we need to be.

I didn't realize how much I have relied on having rules by which to eat. By allowing every food, it inevitably has made me feel out of control and "bad", when in fact-- that's not the case. I just feel like I'm out of control because I am not following the rules of which I have set based on whatever the diet industry experts have told me.

I believe that it's possible to live in food freedom and that the body will find its natural weight. I also don't think it will happen quickly. But if you think about it, a cycle of losing weight and gaining it back again will occur for years on end-- and that's an even longer time!

A post has been brewing in my mind for quite a while now--but I have yet to put it into words. How did I develop an eating disorder? What are the habits which lead me there?

I know for a fact that I didn't have these issues, to the extent that I do now-- until I was well into my 20s. And I believe I have identified one of the things which lead me here. So stay tuned for that!

Ultimately, it is not about finding a diet that will work for me. If you struggle with your weight like I have over the years, I beg you to take a look at what binge eating disorder is. It may surprise you.

For some people, weight gain can be fixed simply by changing their eating habits for a period of time and they will never get to the point of obesity. But I do believe that some of us have deeper issues to identify than just needing to control calories or exercise more to try to force the body into submission. This is often a result of chronic dieting.

Is eating healthy food and exercising important? ABSOLUTELY.

But does it define whether you are a good or bad person? NO. If you're like me, you likely feel that what foods you're eating and what activities you are doing (or are not doing) define you as a person. You may feel that your self-worth is determined by the number on the scale. Thoughts of food and weight are all-consuming. You think about it constantly. And that's not normal.

This is all new to me-- I have learned so much in the last little while about myself, my habits, and my thoughts. It truly has been a journey... but I do feel that I am making forward progress.

Body Image: I'll remember not to look

My hopes were high as I began browsing the Plus Size section-- interestingly enough, it was the smallest section of the store. The variety was even smaller. I was left to choose between a ridiculous patterned tent-like shirt or a hideous body-hugging top which would show all of my fat rolls as well as how many I had eaten at dinner last night.

I grabbed a few of the less-ugly articles of clothing and headed for the fitting room. I saw myself in the mirror-- my shirt snug against my mid-section. How did I become so big again?

My eyes moved to my thighs. While they've always been large, they were always "firm"-- if that makes sense. This time, they looked lumpy, with purple veins spidering out across my legs like cracks in glass. My heart sunk-- a new level of self-hatred achieved. These things don't start to happen when you're only thirty years old.

One by one, I tried on each article of clothing. The top that I somewhat liked looked crooked across my body, and not because it was styled that way--it was simply cheaply made.

I wondered if whomever designed it, or sewed it, thought about the plus sized woman who might wear it one day. Was it an attempt to make a woman feel beautiful, or just another low-quality style that could be over-priced since plus size women have very few options when shopping for clothes?

And why do we even need mirrors? Couldn't we just imagine how we look based upon how we feel? At least then we wouldn't have to face the truth.

The times that I feel best about myself are the times when I don't think about my body or worry about my food choices. I'm able to live in the moment, enjoy a good conversation, savor a delicious bite of food-- to just be, with no judgement or rules.

The moment I look in the mirror and see the shape that is growing ever rounder, plumper, and fuller-- I begin to feel desperate, helpless, and afraid. Worst of all, I feel so much shame and self-hatred that I question whether I even deserve to have a body for my soul to dwell within.

I can't shake the image of my lumpy thighs. I find that I'm wearing a larger size than ever before. My mood grows darker. When I leave the fitting room, I can't even look people in the eye because I am so ashamed and confident that they are judging me by my size.

And the only thing that I have on my mind is how I will get some chocolate.

Logically, it doesn't make any sense-- but somehow, my emotions have taken over every part of my being. And it has been this way for a long time. My emotions take over and the only way I know how to deal with them is by food-- and that's not even effective in the long run.

Will there ever be a way out-- some chance of escape? Likely not.

I'm here in the only body that I will ever have-- fat, defeated, and fearful. I know that my body is trying to save me by causing these urges to eat. It's a way to cope. In times of restriction (dieting), my body has a primal urge to save myself because it thinks I'm starving. If I were starving, this would be a good thing, but I'm not-- far from it.

All that I want is freedom, but I feel imprisoned in my body and in my thoughts. I know that it's ridiculous and that I have so much to be grateful for. My body is just trying to save me even though I am destroying myself.

I understand that I am not a victim, but I don't understand how to truly take control. Maybe I try to have too much mental control over things that my body should be able to tell me naturally-- when I'm truly hungry, what I need to eat, etc.

For now, the next time I'm in front of a full-length mirror, I'll remember not to look at my thighs.

What does the food you eat say about you?

Update on my Binge Eating Disorder Journey

I was happy to step on the scale this week and see that I had lost a significant amount of weight from where I was the previous week. Whew. Thank goodness, otherwise I would have been in a really bad mood. I'm sure you know what I mean. Isn't it funny how the scale can dictate our moods so much?

Anyways, I discovered a woman who has an online program for helping people beat binge eating disorder. I did my research and felt like it might be something that could help me. I've seen good things. She used to struggle with it herself so she knows what it's like.

Hubby and I discussed it and we decided I would make the investment and give it a try. I kept thinking, "what if it doesn't work?"... but then I began to think, "what if it does work?". I have to at least try!

I will try anything and everything to overcome this! So for now, I will not be going to therapy but will be focusing on this program.

The last little while I have just been eating "whatever", which isn't exactly ideal. I've been out of most of my shakes and such and have just been eating what was convenient-- not all bad stuff. But it does seem like I struggle to find that "satisfied" feeling.

So that's where I'm at right now!


How is your journey going?

What is Binge Eating Disorder?

A year ago, I would have never thought that my struggle with food would be labeled as Binge Eating Disorder. I imagined bingeing as eating an entire pizza, or a whole cake by yourself-- something I have never done. However, while this is one example of Binge Eating Disorder, it is certainly not the only type of eating that is considered binge eating.

Binge Eating Disorder is not simply overeating either. It was recognized as a medical condition in 2013 and is more common than Bulimia and Anorexia combined. The only difference between Binge Eating Disorder and Bulimia is those with B.E.D. do not purge afterwards or exercise excessively to burn the calories. It can affect both men and women and research suggests that it may run in families.

To be classified as binge eating, an episode generally takes place once per week for a period of three months. A binge eater would eat more than a typical adult during a period of about two hours-- as mentioned before, this doesn't always mean consuming huge amounts like an entire pizza or cake, but simply eating large amounts of food--even if it's several normal amounts of different foods. The binge eater would feel out of control and would feel extremely upset by it.

If you struggle with binge eating, you may be so upset with yourself that you vow to stop but feel a compulsion to binge eat and can't resist it. This leads to more self-hatred. The cycle is shown in the image below. (source)

Binge eating episodes include three or more of the following criteria:

• Eating extremely fast
• Eating beyond feeling full
• Eating large amounts of food when not hungry
• Eating alone to hide how much one is eating
• Feeling terrible after a binge
• Feeling abnormal

Research shows that there is a correlation between perfectionism and eating disorders, including Binge Eating Disorder. Social perfectionism is the feeling that one never meets the expectations of others. This indicates the emotional complexity of Binge Eating Disorder, showing that it is caused by far more than a lack of self control.

Those with B.E.D. are often desperate for a sense of control which also correlates with perfectionism. Food is something that can be controlled and provides an escape from whatever feels "out of control" at the time of the binge. It is an escape from confronting uncomfortable emotions.

Triggers for bingeing can include stress, poor body-image, food, and boredom. Those with B.E.D. have often been lifelong dieters. Dieting or restricting calories during the day may lead to bingeing in the evening. 

Those with B.E.D. may isolate themselves, feel extreme shamefulness and guilt, be self-loathing,  experience anxiety and depression, and be obese. However, not all people with B.E.D. are obese.

How to help someone with Binge Eating Disorder? I think this quote sums it up better than I could myself: 

"Binge eaters feel bad enough about themselves and their behavior already. Lecturing, getting upset, or issuing ultimatums to a binge eater will only increase stress and make the situation worse. Instead, make it clear that you care about the person’s health and happiness and you’ll continue to be there." (source)

A binge episode is often followed with restriction or dieting in an effort to gain control. However, these behaviors are more damaging than helpful for someone with B.E.D.


Hopefully this helps you understand what Binge Eating Disorder is.


Do you have experience with B.E.D., either with yourself or someone you know? 

Once I'm recovered, I will be "thin" (which means...)

I read an excellent article about eating disorder lies over at recoverymama (go check it out!). It really hit home for me in so many ways.

One of the biggest takeaways I got was the lie "if I just find the right food plan, then I won't have these uncomfortable feelings or needs anymore".  Does that sound like me or what? It was affirming to me in many ways because it shows that there is no one food plan that is going to make the eating disorder go away. Maybe my food plan will change from day to day, and that's ok. It's not about the plan itself, it's about what's going on in my mind (or not) which prompts such behaviors.

Another takeaway is that you can call anyone "too sensitive". Sensitivity is something to be appreciated. It means one is in tune with their feelings and also the feelings of others. The important thing is how to cope with those feelings. Empathetic people can be a blessing in so many ways. Sensitivity is not a "weakness" but coping mechanisms are important.

It was the last lie that really got to me: "Once I'm recovered, I will be 'thin' (which means...)". What does being thin mean? Is it really the thinness of body that I'm looking for? You could say so, but I don't think that's the 100% truth. And here my blog is titled A Journey to Thin and I'm not even sure what it is that I'm aiming for!

So I thought I would put a clear definition on what my "thin" is. Chances are, "thin" is not something that I need to wait to achieve but is more than likely my own behaviors and thought patterns that need to be modified.

Once I'm recovered, I will be...

• Happy
• Confident
• Comfortable in my own skin
• A good role model to my daughter
• Sexy for my husband
• Outgoing
• Social
• In tune with my own feelings
• Athletic
• Successful
• Respected
• Admired
• Loved more
• I will love myself more

This is just a quick list of things that came to my mind. Wouldn't you know, they are all things that I can achieve right now, even before I lose all of my weight. Of course, I don't think I can achieve them because I am stuck in the belief that recovery will be this big event that once I get there everything will be perfect. I'm learning that it's not going to work that way. 

Recovery is a process that will take time. There will be ups and downs, triumphs and failures, and one change after another. For every low in the journey, there's a high and I don't think that will just end one day and all will be well and I will be thin.

I'm going to keep working on myself until I beat this! I will be the person I want to be and I can begin right now. 

Still Trying

I sat down to write a post every day this week, but I felt like I didn't have anything to say. In reality, I probably have a lot of things that I should be saying but instead I'm not taking the time to process and make sense of my behaviors lately.

I have continued to struggle. Even adding WW to my plan isn't really helping. It's not the plan, it's just me. I have a hard time not hating myself even more for that.

It's the same old cycle and I want it to end so badly. However, I can't seem to let go of old habits and using food as my coping mechanism.

I've felt defeated lately, like I will always be this way. Always fat and dealing with the shame and guilt of it all. Would I feel better about myself if I were thin? I'd still be me but just in a different body. Maybe I'd still hate myself.

I actually researched weight loss surgery this week because I was feeling so desperate. But I reminded myself that I'd be worse off if I don't fix the real psychological problem. I'd end up gaining the weight back and probably be worse off health wise. It's just not worth it. I have to fix the real problem first.

Maybe I had hoped that I would fix this problem quickly. It's a lot more complicated than that. Have you seen that quote going around that says, "I woke up one day and decided I couldn't live like this anymore, so I changed. Just like that."? I feel like it should be like that--that I wake up, make a decision to change, and all is done.

Here's the thing--I wake up every single day and tell myself that I'm going to change. Some days I do really well and others I fail miserably. There's never a day that goes by when I wake up and say, "I'm going to eat whatever I want today"--never. The good intentions are always there.

Anyways, this is where I'm at right now--back in the same place I've been in for years. I'm still not giving up though.

Changing Things Up: Adding in Weight Watchers (again)

I’ve been thinking about adding Weight Watchers back into my life for a while. I am not quitting my Isagenix plan by any means—I am in love with the product and how it makes me feel. But being that I am trying to learn how to have a healthy relationship with food, I thought that adding in Weight Watchers might be a good idea.

I’ve been struggling since February, and not because Isagenix doesn’t work. I just lost my mojo—despite seeing incredible results. I’ve since discovered that it’s because I struggle with Binge Eating Disorder and despite whatever efforts I’ve ever made to lose weight (many times with success)—I always fall back into these habits whenever I have something going on in my head which triggers my disordered eating.

I am continuing therapy and have seen progress, albeit very slow, by doing so. It’s a process. I have to change the way that I think about food. I have to be mindful of every bite. I have to learn to find a new way to cope with emotions and to find comfort. That will take time. I’ve been fostering these habits for 20+ years and I can’t expect to change over night.

One thing I’ve started to do is to think about food differently. I’m trying to eliminate the “good” or “bad” food concept. It’s just food—it doesn’t have any impact on my value as a human being.

For example, while dining out recently I ordered a side salad and a small order of garlic parmesan fries. I rarely eat fries and the garlic parmesan part just sounded amazing.

It took me a long time to figure out what to order and it was because I was being very mindful. I finally settled on just ordering two items ala cart because it’s what I really wanted and was the amount of food I could eat without over indulging.

I didn’t feel stuffed afterwards. I felt satisfied. I enjoyed that meal more than any meal I’ve had in a very long time. I tried not to beat myself up for eating fries, a perceived “bad” food in my book.

For me, it’s about realizing that the 20th bite, when I’m actually well past full, never tastes as good as the 1st or 2nd bite tastes. It’s about realizing that the first 19 bites did not make me feel better, so continuing to eat to try to find comfort is not working. I seem to think that the more I eat and the faster I eat will somehow satisfy whatever emotional hunger I have. It never, ever does—and it’s realizing that which is inspiring me to change my habits.

Starting Weight Watchers will help me learn to eat the right portion sizes again and to be more mindful of the impact that the food is having on my body. It will help influence my food choices.

A lot has changed since I followed Weight Watchers last! There are no longer PointsPlus values but points are now called SmartPoints. It seems that the calculation of points includes calories, saturated fat, sugar, and protein.

I finally made the decision to add WW to my current plan when I saw that you can get 3 months for 55% off today since it’s Cinco de Mayo. You can sign up here. 3 months gives me a good amount of time to decide if my modified plan is working for me or not!

Self-Hatred & Eating Disorders

Do you know what it’s like to hate yourself? To feel trapped inside a body that feels out of control?

I don’t remember exactly when I started hating myself so much. It began in childhood. The self-hatred comes and goes in unrelenting phases directly corresponding to my weight or my perceived success to a weight loss or exercise regimen.

There is never a moment when I am not painfully aware of the fat which rests on my lap when I’m sitting, that widens my hips, that balloons my arms, and makes me feel like I make the earth shake with every step.

I avoid mirrors as much as possible. I don’t like to see the reality. It makes me hate myself more.

I know that my body will never be beautiful because it will always be scarred with stretch marks from my childhood days. I’m forever conscious of them, although I try to ignore them and feign confidence.

I try to stand tall and to at least appear to love myself, but the thoughts inside my head never stop. It’s my stomach, my arms, my legs, my face, my hair, my feet—the only part of me I don’t hate are my eyes.

I feel trapped, yet I’m holding the key in my hands. It seems that freedom is just a choice away, that it should be easy—it seems so straightforward. Yet it’s elusive. Sometimes I think I have both feet planted on freedom’s shore, only to find myself lost and shipwrecked on a solitary island—no sails to catch the wind, no vessel to float—nothing but me and my self-inflicted prison of fat.

I have learned that self-hatred is at the core of eating disorders. Some hate themselves so they restrict food, others binge on food and then purge, and then there are those of us who feel unable to stop overeating but don’t purge and rather build ever-growing walls of shame around ourselves.

Hate. Shame. Guilt. Despair.

Helpless. Worthless.

I am tempted to give up—to shove it all inside and continue to pretend that I’m ok, to stop going to therapy, and to resign myself to obesity. It would be so much easier. But I would only hate myself more.

It is hard to accept what I feel. It’s hard to identify what I feel. How can I be so disconnected from myself? It’s me after all— these are my own thoughts, coming from my own brain. Yet I don’t know myself at all. There’s an enemy residing inside my brain spewing negative thoughts.

Every negative emotion has been shoved deeper into my soul with every bite until my heart is like concrete. And then I hate myself more because of it.

Binge Eating Disorder: Uncomfortable with Emotions

I had another therapy appointment this week. I journaled my food and my feelings for two weeks to try to figure out what my “triggers” for emotional/binge eating are. It was insightful.

But when I told my therapist about how each time I was unable to control my urges to eat, it had been preceded by some kind of

“feeling”, she then asked what feelings I was having.

And then I was stumped. Sometimes I didn’t really know what I was feeling, but it was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it. So while I might have felt stressed or anxious, those are umbrellas of feelings which include numerous other feelings and emotions. They’re very broad terms.

I felt kind of silly when she then handed me a paper with various facial expressions and the name of the emotion listed below each picture. She asked me which emotions I felt comfortable feeling. To my surprise, there were very few which I felt comfortable with—they were all of the more positive emotions.

A few that stuck out to me as being the most uncomfortable were anger, frustration, guilty, ashamed, overwhelmed, nervous, and shy.

And then she began explaining a concept called Emotional Intelligence. We measure how much we know by IQ, and similarly we can measure our emotional intelligence (EQ). It is something that is often overlooked but is extremely important.

Whether we know it or not, we have been conditioned to accept some emotions as acceptable, “good” emotions and others as “bad”. We all know someone stoic, who seems to be without emotion—and often it seems to run in families.

Believe it or not, being “stoic” (often wrongfully thought of as “strong”) is actually very unhealthy and can manifest in health problems. It is a good thing to be able to have emotions, to recognize the emotions, and then process the emotions. This is called Emotional Intelligence.

I feel like I have a pretty high EQ, but on the same note I struggle with my own emotions. I am aware of the feelings of others and can identify their emotions. Sometimes I think people like myself are too in tune with the emotions of others that it can have a dramatic affect on us. You could call it emotional sensitivity—it’s a great attribute to have because it makes us considerate of others, but it can also be a nightmare because we essentially “feel” too much.

But here’s the kicker, while maybe I have a high EQ—I am not comfortable with certain emotions. And so, in an effort to avoid feeling the emotions, I stuff them inside. I do anything to avoid “feeling”. As my therapist said, I “self-harm” by certain behaviors including binge eating. This causes me to zone out because, in some odd way, these self-harming behaviors are comforting to me. Of course, this makes me feel ashamed.

It makes perfect sense.

For example, the other night after a stressful “event” I thought I was hungry. So I grabbed a bowl, Cheerios, milk, and some fresh fruit. When hubby saw me, he asked “are you hungry or are you eating for an emotional reason?”.

I realized I wasn’t physically hungry. And so, one by one, I put each item away. I left the kitchen and I began to feel emotions come over me like a huge wave. I didn’t like it—it made me very uncomfortable. And so, I distracted myself by doing something else. I never truly felt the emotions, but at least I didn’t eat.

This is a pattern that happens over and over again. I know without a doubt that this is why I’m overweight.

My official diagnosis is a moderate Binge Eating Disorder. I have been listening to podcasts about eating disorders in general and the psychological similarities between Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating are incredible. However, Binge Eating Disorder is not commonly talked about as being in the same camp.

For me, treatment means identifying the psychological reasons that I want to compulsively eat. I am learning more about myself the more that I pay attention. There are definite patterns.

After that last appointment, I felt hopeful about overcoming this. I am also beginning to understand that the struggle will never “go away”, but I can learn how to cope with my emotions better.

Food Journal: Tracking Emotions

As I mentioned in this post, I have begun work on figuring out what triggers my emotional eating and binge eating episodes. My first step has been journaling what I am eating—not to count calories or macros, but to see how I am feeling emotionally when I’m eating.

It has been eye opening. It seems like every day I follow a pattern. I start off the day feeling great and I slowly enjoy my shake. As the day goes on, my behavior starts to shift.

Another thing I’m tracking is how fast I’m eating. I set a scale of 1-5 with 5 being the fastest—binge type behavior, and 1 being the slowest—extremely mindful.

The earliest “5” I have tracked was at 10:15 a.m. and this is certainly an exception. Every other “5” is somewhere between 12-evening.

I’ve found that one of my most frequent feelings prior to eating is being tired. I also tend to eat more following a stressful event or when I am upset.

I definitely would not consider every “5” a binge. I started tracking on Thursday, and I would count two times as a “binge”—neither being incredibly terrible, but it was definitely different than overeating and just emotional eating.

What’s the difference?

To me, binge eating is eating and eating as if to fill a void. I know I’m not hungry, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from eating. For me, this very rarely entails me eating one specific food—but entails me eating various amounts of multiple foods so that, at first glance, it doesn’t look like bingeing at all, but rather portion controlled snacks. At a closer look, you can see that there are a series of these “portion controlled snacks” in a row and they add up to a binge.

To me, overeating is just that— over eating. I’m not emotional. I feel in control of my behavior—I am just loving whatever food I’m eating and end up eating too much.

To me, emotional eating is eating something (usually sweets), to find comfort. This can easily turn into a binge, but I wouldn’t consider emotional eating a binge unless I feel out of control. The difference is the amount of food eaten in a specific amount of time (approximately two hours or so). If I eat a couple of scoops of ice cream and move on—I’d call that emotional eating.

However, if I followed that up by eating a couple of cookies, a handful of nuts, and a cheese stick (within a couple of hours)—I’d call that a binge. It really comes down to the amount of control I feel capable of at any given time.

This is a topic that definitely makes me feel insecure. I feel so embarrassed that this is even an issue for me, but I also know that admitting it is going to help me overcome it. It is what it is.

I’m not a victim. I could choose to continue blaming my weight issues on emotional eating, but the truth is that since I know what the problem is— it’s in my hands to fix it. I’m a survivor and I will overcome this.

I am ashamed. I feel guilty. It makes me dislike myself. These are all things that I will work through one step at a time.

Therapy is Hard: Binge Eating Disorder?

I had my second therapy session today for my “weight issues”. My first appointment went well and I had just started my nutritional plan. I had high spirits, was hopeful, and felt very much in control at that time.

Fast forward about four months to today where I found myself sitting in therapy with a completely different mental state. I felt defeated, powerless, disappointed in myself, and out of control. I was desperate for help—I needed help and I knew it.

My original plan was to keep going to therapy, but one thing after another happened and here we are four months later. Previously, I didn’t feel like I needed help. I was in the “high” of weight loss where I was seeing results and able to stay on track.

But at the beginning of February, I found myself back into the cycle that I always seem to find myself whenever I start any weight loss program. I was spiraling out of control and I still haven’t stopped. As of this morning, I am 9 lbs. above my lowest weight.

It is so hard to talk about things that I feel so ashamed about, but I was honest and I told her what has been going on in my head and the actions I have been taking which have led to weight gain and the downward spiral out of control. I can remember having this behavior back to middle-school, although I did have a weight problem prior to this. It is humbling and embarrassing to talk about it, even though I know that this is what she specializes in.

We talked about Binge Eating Disorder. While I have sometimes wondered if I have this issue, today confirmed it for me. In situations that feel “out of control” to me, I turn to food because it is something that I can control. It’s a temporary fix for every problem. It takes my mind off of whatever is bothering me—as my therapist said, “to avoid feeling emotion”.

That’s huge to me because it’s an explanation for my behavior. It’s also frightening. In order to develop a healthy relationship with food, and to get my weight under control, I will have to change the habits that I have developed over the years.

This means that I will not be able to turn to food to get me through whatever emotions I’m having that I don’t want to feel. It means that I will have to deal with the emotions. It means I absolutely have to let go of that crutch if I truly want to change.

Can I do it? Am I strong enough to do it? Do I truly want to change?

My first thoughts are that of fear and shame. Afraid of the struggles that I might endure trying to change. Ashamed that this is even a struggle for me. Afraid that this is one more coal to the “crazy person” fire that I have blazing over here. Afraid to admit that I have a problem.

Binge Eating Disorder is along the same lines as substance abuse. It makes sense that I might have an issue such as this because one side of my family has a long line of alcoholics. Food may just be my drug of choice. Perhaps I’m predisposed to such behavior—I have no idea.

We worked on an action plan titled, “This is how I can stop automatic negative thoughts that cause negative behaviors”. Once again, we’re back to controlling my thoughts.

The good news is that I have successfully accomplished being aware of my thoughts when it comes to my role as a mother (i.e. not allowing negative thoughts to make myself think I’m an inadequate mother, etc.— related to postpartum depression). If I could accomplish that, I can certainly accomplish this—I hope.

I have a plan. It will take a lot of introspection and work on myself to overcome this—but I just have to. I cannot live like this. My weight and food take up too much space in my thoughts and life and I’m tired of it.

I read over an article my therapist gave me about Binge Eating Disorder and it described me to a T. I probably shouldn’t admit that I read this article while having a “mini-binge”—I definitely knew I was eating for emotional reasons and yet I don’t try to stop myself because I know it will make me feel better temporarily. It’s hard to admit that. But there it is.

Anyways, sorry for the rambling post. I am glad that I’m back into therapy and I’m ready to put in the work—despite how afraid I am. I plan on updating you all on my progress.

Do you have Binge Eating Disorder? How did you conquer it? What are you doing to fight it?

Calorie Restriction vs. Calorie Adjustment

I was reading through a forum where someone commented about calorie restriction and adjustment. I can’t remember what site it was on, but it got me thinking anyways.

When you think about calorie restriction, you might imagine your ordinary diet—you eat less so that you can lose weight. A typical calorie restrictive diet is a plan followed temporarily until the results you are looking for are achieved—primarily with weight loss.

Being that I am overweight, but otherwise healthy (no medical problems contributing to weight gain), it’s evident that I consume far more calories than I burn—hence, my body stores the excess energy in fat cells.

As a 5’5 woman with a medium build, a healthy weight for myself would be about 130 (give or take). According to the American Cancer Society Calorie Counter, a 30 year old woman of this size would need about 1,900 calories to maintain that weight.

This means that throughout my life I have consumed more than 1,900 calories per day on average. I have no idea how many calories I would consume on a day where I am not consciously trying to limit my calorie intake, but let’s say I consumed 2,500 calories per day.

If I go on a “diet” and only eat 1,500 calories per day, is that truly restricting calories? You could think of it that way, but thinking of it as a calorie adjustment is more indicative of lifestyle change.

The reason for this is that I only truly need 1,900 calories per day to function and maintain my weight. For weight loss reasons, eating 1,500 calories per day would cause me to lose weight—but in reality it’s only 400 calories less than I would theoretically be eating if I were at a healthy weight of approximately 130 lbs. and wanted to maintain. Yes, it’s also 1,000 calories less than what I would be “over eating”, and a larger body requires more energy to function—so it would equal more weight loss.

If I am used to eating 2,500 calories per day and suddenly I am only eating 1,500, I’m probably going to be hungry because my body has gotten used to the higher calorie intake. Sometimes the hunger will be physical and other times emotional.

You could think of this as calorie restriction, but is it really restriction if your body doesn’t truly need 2,500 calories per day to function?

A calorie adjustment, which would mean that you are simply readjusting to consume the amount of calories that your body actually requires, and that once you lose the excess weight you will have adjusted to the true calorie requirement that your body needs.

It doesn’t stop there. If you begin to eat more calories than your body requires, the weight will come back on.

So my point is this—use the time that you are actively trying to lose weight to let your body adjust and work on an adjustment of your mind also. If you’re like me, a significant part of the reason you are overweight has to do with your emotions.

It’s kind of like re-calibrating the body and the changes truly will be an adjustment, both calorically and mentally.

This is my goal right now—to analyze my thought process which leads to over eating, and work on re-calibrating and adjusting my mind and body to a place of good health. I want the weight loss to be permanent this time—not just temporary.

 

What are your thoughts?

My New Plan Unveiled

I’ve decided to go ahead and tell you what the new program is that I’ve been so secretive about while I tried it for a bit. I’m really happy with it. I have hope and motivation for the first time in…I don’t even know when. But I want to do a little explaining first.

You’ve been along this journey with me and you know all of the struggles I’ve been having. It has done a number on my self-confidence and I have felt pretty hopeless.

For a little recap, I lost almost 90 lbs. on Weight Watchers, gained it back and more by the time I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression when the little one was 10 months old and have been struggling prior to that and after that.

Over the years, I have counted calories, tried clean eating, followed Trim Healthy Mama, Weight Watchers numerous times, Advocare, the Atkins Diet, South Beach Diet, and Metabolife. I have been dieting since I was in elementary school.

Most of these methods afforded me weight loss at some point—some more than others, but I never got to my goal on any of the programs. My previous endeavor at Weight Watchers was the time that I thought it would all “stick” and that I had truly changed my habits.

Unfortunately, I was wrong and as soon as I had high levels of stress in my life all of the weight came back on and I reverted back to my old habits—ones I’ve had since I’ve been a child. I had not “cured” myself, I was simply taking care of the side effects of my real issue by losing weight. All along I struggled with emotional eating.

 

My new plan has two parts that will complement each other.

Part One: The Plan

I heard about it a year and a half ago and brushed it off, not believing the rave reviews from friends—but I stayed a part of the Facebook group. Here we are a year and a half later and these ladies are still raving about it.

Last Friday, after not being able to get myself back on track (yet again)—I decided what I was doing was insane.

Trying to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results is insanity. And at that very moment I decided to join and stop WW for a while—I have since canceled WW.

I’m not saying WW doesn’t work or isn’t a good plan—I think it’s definitely a good plan and works for many, many people. However, I have also finally accepted that there is no “one size fits all” plan when it comes to weight loss and learning how to maintain weight.

That being said, I am trying something completely different and something that I would have (and did) scoff at in the past.

But it’s time to try something new and I won’t know the outcome unless I try. We’ll call it another endeavor, another experiment to see if this new way will work for me. So please hear me out and understand my perspective.

The new plan that both hubby and I are following is called Isagenix. We ordered one 30-Day Cleansing and Fat Burning System with the intent of each of us trying it for 15 days to see what we think because I was skeptical and pretty jaded.

The first day went well for me but hubby came home with a horrific headache and was ready to quit. Apparently, that is very common as the body gets rid of toxins. He decided he’d try another day.

On Day 2, we both felt fantastic. It’s really hard to explain. Of course we felt lighter, but we also felt that grogginess lift and I definitely have experienced more mental clarity and less brain fog. Part of this system is supposed to combat stress and fatigue—something we all know that I need.

I even noticed my skin looking better.

Anyways, the system is all natural and organic. You drink 2 shakes per day, eat 2 snacks, and eat one balanced meal that’s 400-600 calories. One day per week you do a cleanse—not a colon cleanse.

At this point, you’re probably about ready to give me a lecture. I know, I get it. I really do. But I’m also feeling the need to try something new, have some success, and get my life back again…I just have to try.

You have to remember that while many people gain back the weight with programs like this, many people also gain back the weight with other programs and ways of eating, including WW. But there are also some people who follow a plan like this, completely change their lives and the weight never comes back on. There are success stories as well as failures in every plan.

This plan will be paired with exercise, of course.

Both hubby and I have lost about 8 lbs. in 4 days (Monday through Thursday). My clothes are definitely fitting better, I have much more energy, and we’re both sleeping better (our Fitbits prove it!).

My plan is to lose the weight, fix the issues, and maintain when the time comes. Isagenix does have a plan for maintenance too. I have a lot of support from my family.

The next part should make you feel better if you are skeptical.

 

Part Two: Therapy

Today was my first session with a new therapist. At my Doctor’s Appointment, I asked to be referred to a therapist who specialized in disordered eating and my doctor promised to research and find the best one for me. And she did!

I absolutely love this therapist. She is so kind and understanding. She used to be a Stay at Home Mom and totally understands what that’s like. I just feel like I formed a better connection with her.

This session was more of a “get to know me” session. She summarized that she thought we needed to work on my “all or nothing” mentality, my perfectionism, low self-confidence, handling stress, and developing a support system that is here in Iowa. She recommended joining MOPS.

She told me to keep writing about what I’m going through and feeling—so you’re still on the hook for reading about my issues!

I don’t get to go back for about a month because of the holiday, etc. I have a homework assignment to come up with a list of things that I want more of and things I want less of. I love that I have an assignment because it makes me feel like I’m thoughtfully and intentionally working to better myself.

She saw that I was just “done” and willing to do whatever it takes to fix the mental issues so that I can finally lose the weight for good. I really feel like that’s the place where I’m at. I have just felt so hopeless and hit rock bottom this past year. I used to be too afraid to go to therapy for this, but I am finally ready.

 

So there you have it! This is what I’m doing and I’m glad I told you so I can start telling you all of the details along this new direction in my journey!

 

I ask that you please be kind in the comments. Please understand where I’m coming from and I also ask that you please be respectful. Your support would mean the world to me. Thanks!

Guest Post: I Don’t Have an Eating Disorder… or do I?

I am happy to have Christina as my guest writer today! She is a fabulous writer and I love her blog. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us, Christina!

Hello! My name is Christina and I blog over at Love Yourself Healthy. I live in New Orleans with my husband and 2 children, and I am thrilled to be writing a guest post for Alissa! When she first asked if I’d like to write a post for her blog, I immediately said “sure!” Coming up with a topic was a bit more challenging, but a few of her more recent posts inspired my topic for today: “I don’t have an eating disorder… or do I?”

It was April of 2014 when I first started to think that I might have a problem; not a simple, “Ijustlovefoodsomuch” problem, but an “I think I might need professional help” problem. I’d always struggled with my weight, and I’d jump on one weight loss bandwagon after another. I’d lose a little, then fall off the wagon, give up, and gain everything back and then some. Every one of these failures resulted in an epic loss of “willpower,” an all-out binge, and I’d start the cycle all over again.

I never knew there was a name for what I was experiencing—and until recently, there really wasn’t. Binge Eating Disorder (BED) was finally added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) as an “official” eating disorder in 2013. It is the most common eating disorder among US adults (surprised? Yeah, me neither).

(I would like add that it was very difficult for me not to go off on a wild tangent at this point, but I’ll save that for another day!)

According to www.BingeEatingDisorder.com, the symptoms of BED are as follows:

1. Regularly eating far more food than most adults would in a similar time period and in similar circumstances, and feeling that one's eating is out of control during a binge.
2. Binge eating episodes that include three of the following:
1. Eating extremely fast
2. Eating beyond feeling full
3. Eating a lot when not hungry
4. Eating in secret to hide how much is being eaten
5. Feeling terrible after a binge
3. Feeling very upset by eating binges.
4. On average, binge eating at least once a week for three months.
5. Unlike people with other eating disorders, adults with BED don't routinely try to "undo" their excessive eating with extreme actions like throwing up or over-exercising.

It is important to note that not everyone who binge eats has binge eating disorder (source). I’d experienced periods of binge eating all throughout my life, but I don’t think it was actually BED until maybe the year prior to when I actually got help. The triggering event was the loss of my job.

My job loss could be a whole post in and of itself, but the important part is this--it took a HUGE toll on my self –esteem and I felt like garbage. I started to believe that all the crazy things at my former job were actually my fault and that I was a horrible person and a terrible employee. We eventually had to sell our house and move to New Orleans for my husband’s new job, and after that I was certain that if I could just get a job, everything would be better.

After a year of unemployment, I did finally get a job, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I questioned everything about myself that I’d always thought to be true, and I didn’t trust my abilities. Through all of this, I continued eating through my feelings. Every negative thought was squashed with a candy bar. Every time I felt angry, I ate until I quite literally couldn’t eat any more. I have a lap band (it’s unfilled and I don’t utilize it anymore, but there’s still a limit on how much I can stuff myself), so I’d throw up a bit and then continue eating. Every feeling of sadness, of loss, of anger, of failure, was stuffed down until I couldn’t stuff myself any more.

The final straw came in April 2014. Easter candy was on sale and I went to the store and bought all kinds of candy and ate it in my car on my lunch break from work. I remember thinking, “Oh my God, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, but I can’t stop. I CAN’T STOP.”  And I finished every bit of it, tears pouring down my face.

I went back to my office and immediately joined Weight Watchers, and then I starting googling Weight Watchers blogs. Now, before that day, I’d never even heard the words “binge eating” or “binge eating disorder” in relation to what I’d been experiencing, but the first two blogs I came across were women who’d struggled with binge eating. That, of course, led me to more blogs and then I did some research and realized that I just truly needed help. I found a therapist who specialized in eating disorders (binge eating disorder was actually specified in her profile), and it took a few days but I was finally able to make an appointment.

That, my friends, was probably the single most important thing I’d ever done for myself. I saw my therapist weekly for a while, then moved to every other week, then once a month. Maybe 5 months in, she finally convinced me to meet with the nutritionist she worked with, and I’m glad I finally did that. (I was also going to my Weight Watchers meetings every week.) I did this for 10 months, and my “team” was amazing. I worked through so much, so many experiences, so many feelings I didn’t even know I had.

I still struggle—in fact, I’ve made an appointment to see my therapist next week. I still struggle with depression, with binge urges, but now I have tools. I have tools to use to help me fight off those urges, and I feel empowered. I learned that in a world full of things I cannot control, the one thing I can control is myself—how I react to different people or events, the food I put in my body. It’s all my choice, and I have the power to control these things—no one else.

If you think you might have a binge eating problem, don’t be afraid to seek help. It’s so hard to take that first step, but it’s so worth it once you do it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thank you, Alissa, for allowing me to share a bit of my story on your blog today!

Weigh in Day Surprise: The Journey of Renovation in Weight Loss and Self-Love

I really messed it up this past week. I mean really badly. I was out of control with my eating.

I think it’s because I have been stressing about having a guest today. I’m feeling a lot better at the moment because I finally finished cleaning the entire house, with the exception of our bedroom—which will be my next project. I mean really and truly clean—hardly hiding any messes! You know what I mean? ha

I also have been pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in some relationships. I am a work in progress and I am seeing change in myself that I thought would never, ever happen. And it’s rewarding to me. It has brought me peace of heart in a way that I cannot explain. But it has been a little stressful for me—but as I keep going, it will get easier and more comfortable.

But anyways, I was expecting a gain this morning. I feel horrible. I look horribly bloated from the terrible food choices (sugary sweets). I don’t know how I did for points because I stopped tracking, once again.

In the midst of all of this, I am paying attention to how I am feeling, how I’m reacting, and I’m journaling it all. I just know I am going to conquer this lifelong demon that I have let control me (a part of myself without good judgment).

So get on with already, Alissa!

I lost 2.2 lbs. this week. Total loss of 9.4 lbs. I didn’t earn it in the least bit, but I’m going to take it and let it motivate me to do better.

Now that I think about it, I have made some positive changes and progress that doesn’t show on the scale but that I think will help me in the long run. I’m in the midst of transformation and renovation.

Everyone knows that a cocoon isn’t very beautiful, but the butterfly is.

When an old building is renovated, there’s a lost of dust, junk, and a lot of mess. But when an old building is renewed, it’s sometimes even more beautiful than it was in the first place.

This process is messy. It’s ugly. It even hurts sometimes.

But just like when I don’t have the energy to truly clean the house and it’s easier to just hide messes, I refuse to just hide my problems and struggles so that I don’t have to acknowledge them.

Not this time.

Not ever again.

I’m under construction right now, but after a lot of hard work and dedication (not just on the scale) I will be transformed into something more beautiful than ever before.

The walls I’ve built up will come down. The junk will be emptied out of the drawers (and my trunk - ha). I will be renewed and ready to face down those demons once and for all.

But for now, I am still a work in progress.

A History of Emotional Eating, Introspection, and Journaling

As a start to my therapy to find out why I struggle so much with emotional eating, I have been journaling when I eat and I know I’m eating for emotional reasons and not because I’m actually hungry.

I am ok with eating when I’m just enjoying a moment where food is involved—like enjoying a s’more or a delicious meal with family. I know that these occasional indulgences are not the root of my problem—it’s the overeating, or perhaps the bingeing, that I do in response to emotions.

Journaling has been eye opening. If you’re a long time reader, you know that I used to journal my food every day via pictures here on my blog. I would talk about a lot of things that happened throughout my day and how I was feeling. But the type of journaling that I’m doing now is much different and it is helping me become aware of what it feels like when I want to eat/binge on chocolate. Chocolate seems to be my drug of choice.

Here is how I was feeling before I decided to eat whatever food I was eating for emotional reasons within the past week:

emotionally drained, tired, overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, hormonal, anxious, frustrated, stressed, and feeling judged.

Now that I’ve been paying attention, I can literally feel it coming on. My entire body becomes tense, I feel tired, and the only thing I can think about is getting that sugar fix. Literally, I cannot get it off of my mind. And sometimes I feel better after eating something, but most of the time I don’t and it leads to a downward spiral.

This is certainly not something new and sugar/chocolate has not always been my fix. I can actually pinpoint exactly when chocolate became my drug of choice.

It began when I was 18 years old and was working a summer in Branson, MO and living with my aunt and uncle. I was working my first job. I was trying to come out of my shell and make friends, etc. It was so incredibly stressful for me, which now I understand is simply because I am an introvert (for the most part). I would have been better suited finding friends who enjoyed talking about literature and current events—but those are hard to find and I didn’t know at that time really who I was.

One day after work, I sat in the living room and I started eating Cadbury fruit and nut bites. Of course, I thought they were kind of healthy because they had fruit and nuts—ha. My aunt came home (she also has weight issues), and saw my pile of wrappers on the end table and asked me if I had eaten all of them.

I was shocked when I looked over and saw how many I had eaten. Probably 15 pieces or so. It was completely mindless. Maybe that’s why I felt like I needed it—it was like an escape from everything I was feeling. All I had to focus on was the rich, creamy chocolate melting in my mouth and sending my endorphins into overdrive. In those moments I felt better.

I remember shrugging it off and telling my aunt that it wasn’t a big deal. I believe she warned me about diabetes, something that she suffers from. But her attitude was judgmental and it hurt. I felt so much shame. After that, I would use one wrapper and crumple up the wrappers into little pieces and stick them inside the one wrapper so no one could see how many pieces I had actually eaten if they happened to see wrappers in the trash can. Now I see how that is disordered eating and probably considered bingeing.

Prior to those days, my drug of choice was anything that was junk food.

Middle school was incredibly stressful for me. Now I know that I have probably suffered from anxiety pretty much my entire life, but I didn’t know that then. Other kids made fun of me because I was larger than they were. I was awkward in my gym uniform and even less coordinated in sports. I hated changing clothes in the locker room. I hated putting on my swimsuit on my overweight body and having to swim with my entire class while we were in our swimming unit of the curriculum. I hated the laughs as the water splashed when I was required to jump off of the diving board. I was bullied by teachers. I could hardly fit in the small desks. I was painfully shy and would lose all train of thought if called upon in class, making me look like an idiot.

That’s a lot for a 13 year old.

I wouldn’t eat lunch at school because I was too embarrassed to eat in front of people. This meant I would be starving after school and usually have a headache. I would go home and eat anything I could find that wasn’t healthy.

I specifically remember a time when we had a guest at our house. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating and reading the comics from the newspaper—I yearned for this moment every day. I was eating an entire can of vegetable soup and eating bbq chips straight out of the bag.

I kept eating, and eating, and eating.

This guest took the bag of chips and closed it and put a clip on it, saying I had probably eaten enough. This made me angry and embarrassed. I reopened the bag and continued to eat them because well, she wasn’t the boss of me. But now I can see that she saw something that I was not able to see—disordered eating. I don’t know if she judged me for just eating too much, or if she really saw that I was eating for the wrong reasons. I don’t know. But I do know that it hurt. And I continued to feel ashamed.

These habits have never left me. When the going gets tough, I reach for food. When the mountain gets too steep, I stuff chocolate in my mouth. When I am sad, anxious, angry, stressed, or tired—I turn to food.

I have not talked about these events since the day they happened. I am doing a lot of introspection and am finally seeing the error of my ways and I want to change. Right now, I am just tracking what I am doing without really working through stopping myself quite yet. I want to figure out what’s triggering the eating first. I do use some self-control here and there, so it’s not like it’s a free for all. But I know my signs and I know when I’m eating for the wrong reasons.

I’m not quite sure what the overall point of this post is, other than to just express and admit some of my issues with emotional eating. There are so many emotions attached to food and it’s unhealthy for me. I hope that somehow I can get to the bottom of this and learn how to cope in a healthier way.

 

Can you relate to my eating issues? What has been your experience?

Self-Love < Cookies

Hello everyone!

I had a relaxing weekend camping and napping. It was just what I needed and I’m feeling much better today. It was so hot and humid outside that we spent most of our time inside the camper with air conditioning, so I’m not sure you would actually call that camping…! ha

I packed a lot of healthy food for us this time and it definitely made me feel better! However, we went to Chili’s for a meal and I convinced myself to order a salad because it would be better for me but I didn’t look at the points until afterwards! It was 38 points. I just couldn’t believe it. So that pretty much did me in for my points. Lesson learned—look up the points prior to eating!

Anyways, I’m back to counting the points today and hopefully I can undo some of the damage before Friday! Overall, I’m proud of myself for the improvements for most of my food choices—but there’s still room for improvement!

I did a lot of thinking this weekend about my next step. Talking about all of this in therapy has me wondering if my core issue is that I do not respect or love myself enough. Hence, I sabotage myself and make poor choices over and over again.

I think that a great plan of action would be to consider the impact of my choices before making a choice. Instead of thinking “I hate my body. I need to lose weight and because of this I’m going to eat a salad for lunch even though what I really want is sugary cereal”, I will think “Because I love myself and care about my health, I’m going to eat this nutritious salad for lunch because I know it’s what my body needs”. Make sense?

This way of thinking will help me to place value on myself rather than on food. I will learn to love and respect myself more than I love eating cookies. That sounds kind of weird—like I’m a cookie monster or something! But that’s really the choice that I’m making when I choose to overindulge in cookies—I want cookies more than I want to meet my goals and take care of myself.

I’m sure this sounds pretty easy to anyone who does not have issues with disordered eating. I’m starting to learn that maybe this is my problem. I never wanted to admit that I was a binger, but maybe I am. I am continuing to look inward to reach the very core of my issues so I can finally get to the bottom of my weight problems. It’s going to take a lot of work.

Seriously, just today I thought, “eating oatmeal would be something I could do to show love and respect for my body. Nah, I’d rather eat cereal.” So somehow I am going to have to want to meet my goals more than I want to eat or receive whatever comfort I receive from food.

Any tips for me as I attempt this?