Journaling

At my last appointment, my therapist recommended a new kind of journaling. She gave me these instructions. I finally had time to sit down and do this and I think it’s a great activity.

Writing has always been a great outlet for me. I haven’t been sitting down to write as much lately and I really need to start again. Tonight was beneficial in turning my thoughts around.

Basically, you pick an emotion that you’re feeling today. The instructions above give you a series of questions to write about which help you think through your emotion and make sense of it.

Today, I felt ashamed. I am ashamed of myself for many reasons—the top reason being how overweight I am. I wrote about these reasons.

By the end of the activity, I realized that while I may have imperfections and struggles—I have many positive attributes too. It comes down to what I’m focusing on.

It’s time to stop focusing on the negative and begin focusing on the positive!

My Sense of Self

Happy September!

I love September for a variety of reasons: it means that fall is coming (and I love fall), my birthday is this month (even though I’m hitting the big 3-0)…and yeah, pretty much I love September because my birthday is in September and my hubby spoils me. ha

Anyways, I am feeling better today—not 100%, but it at least feels like the fog is lifting. I’ve been making myself sleep until I really feel rested in the morning, which means that I miss out on my morning “me-time”, but I think it’s best for now. I feel excited about starting a new project or going somewhere and that means that I’m feeling positive about life again…that’s a huge relief!

It really helped me to write my post yesterday and just express what was going on in my mind. It helped me to process it all and have a good cry. I’m sorry for when I’m a Debbie Downer, but I want to keep record of this entire process.

When hubby got home, he offered to help me clean the house and told me I would feel so much better if the house looked organized. I pushed myself to do it and it did make me feel better, especially when I came downstairs to an organized house this morning. Hubby didn’t even help me very much…I see how that works. lol

I want to focus on eating foods that are good for me. I have salmon in the oven for lunch today. I need to get groceries because we don’t have a lot of food in the house right now, but I’m trying to use what we do have. I know that we will all feel better if we are eating healthier foods, which means that I really need to practice preparation.

I just don’t want to believe that I will be like this for the rest of my life. It’s all up to me and the choices that I make. It will probably mean exercising and eating healthy when I don’t want to or when I don’t feel like it. It’s required at first and eventually you learn to want to exercise and to want to eat healthy. I can’t wait to get back to that place again.

My life has changed so much. I went from working (and having weekends and evenings off) and doing what I wanted, whenever I wanted--to staying at home (a job that has no “off” hours), and prioritizing my child before myself.

Mothers are required to be selfless, and part of my struggle has been losing my sense of self. I used to think that my identity was wrapped up in my job and my weight, to be honest. And when I no longer had an employer or a position and my weight was heavier than ever, I just felt lost.

Over the past few months, I have begun to figure out what I like to do and what goals and aspirations I have. Yes, I am a wife and I am a mother first and foremost, but I am still a woman with interests and goals.

I’ve begun to put more effort into my blog because blogging is something that I truly love to do. I’ve started to read books again when I have the chance. I’ve been teaching myself photography—I purchased macro lenses and a backdrop to experiment with. I set a goal to write a book. I’ve begun to really write. I’ve been dabbling in web design. I have a variety of other things that I want to do when I am ready.

I’m slowly finding myself again and I am learning that who I am is not contingent on my title or on my weight, but who I am is determined by who I choose to become.

Vulnerability & Blogging: Thank You

I’ve been reading a few blogs where the writer has talked about vulnerability and how they had to make the choice as to whether or not they were brave enough for it. My favorite bloggers are the ones who are honest and real about their lives. It’s evident in their writing because there are no fake undertones and they write about the good, the bad, and the ugly that is normal life for all of us. They make themselves vulnerable—and I am sincerely grateful for that.

Thanks to social media, we present our best selves, filtered pictures, and life’s perfect little moments. We all know that we also have plenty of moments that are messy, chaotic, and dysfunctional—but most people don’t share those moments because there isn’t always the need to “hang it all out on the line”. But many of us who blog do so for a specific purpose—writing for connection. I know I’ve breathed a sigh of relief when I read about someone else’s life that is just as crazy and overwhelming as mine feels to me.

For the most part, I have found that making myself vulnerable through my writing and on this blog has been rewarding for me. It is incredibly rewarding to hear comments along the lines of “me too” in response to a heartfelt blog post. It makes me feel less alone in the experience and in the struggle.

This connection is what fuels the fire—the ability to help others feel understood, to put into words what others may be feeling but cannot describe, to offer hope, and most importantly to reach the heart of others to find the common themes of our existence. At least that’s what fuels my fire.

Vulnerability is a choice and it opens us up to potential hurt. It’s a risk we take and if you’re a blogger like me, every time we hit that publish button we wonder if anyone will connect with the words we poured our hearts into. If the readers will be able to get insight into our “pain” or “experience” even though they have never experienced it. Sometimes we get comments and other times we’re left in our insecurity thinking that no one understood what we were trying to convey.

We all have our pains, heartbreaks and struggles. Just because one person’s pain is not another’s does not lessen that of either one. All pain is valid. It’s my experience and my truth. It’s your experience and your truth. We should use this for connection instead of criticism.

While we may not fully understand the pain of another, we can learn empathy for another’s pain by stepping into their world through each word, sentence, paragraph and post that they share. And that’s how we find connection.

If the world lacked those who would make themselves vulnerable, can you imagine how disconnected we would all be? Being vulnerable takes courage, but that doesn’t mean that those of us who bare our souls to the world are bullet-proof.

I’m not really sure if I’m getting my thoughts across, but I guess what I’m saying is that we need to be respectful of each other. We have the opportunity to see into the souls of others through blogging and that’s a privilege that we have been given due to the courage of the writer.

Thank you to those who have lifted me up through your words (whether blogger or reader), those of you who have shown me that I am not alone in my struggles, and those of you, who even though you don’t understand, have simply said “I hear you”. Thank you for being vulnerable and respecting mine.