A New Beginning

It's New Years Day, so of course you're going to hear from me again! I'm another one of those New Years Resolutioners, but you have to start somewhere or you'll never start. So here I am.

The most significant thing that I did for weight loss was join a medically supervised weight loss program. It was very low carb, no drugs or anything like that, but I found that I could not stick to it. I ended up quitting and they gave me a portion of my money back.

I'm ok with the fact that I quit. I tried something new, found it wasn't for me, and I made a decision to stop and try something else. Granted, I did not try something else after I quit in November-- but it was the holidays and I enjoyed living without obsessing about food. So I'm ok with that too.

As far as weight loss goes, I have learned that I cannot do any diet with restriction-- restriction of a certain food group, too much restriction, or generally trying to force my mind into believing that something is off limits. It's probably a mind thing, but it is the way I am and always have been. Whenever I start restricting, it leads to a massive binge period at some point-- and that's not healthy.

The last year has been a good one for me. Miraculously, I developed either a growth in self-love or maybe a failure-to-care anymore attitude. Either way, I am in a better place mentally.

I no longer look in the mirror and hate myself-- I do avoid mirrors most of the time though, just sayin'. But I don't feel the overwhelming feeling of self-hatred anymore.

Mostly, I am in awe that despite what I have put my body through it continues to be strong, give me life, and my bloodwork is perfect. With my blood work alone, you'd never know I was morbidly obese. And I am so thankful to my body for that. It's incredible.

But it's time to start taking better care of myself, not because I hate myself and want to change, but because I respect what my body is capable of and I love myself enough to want to change. I want to change because I deserve more. I want to change because I don't binge on certain foods because I want to, but because I'm using them as a bandaid. I'm tired of being broken, and I want to rehabilitate.

After some thought, I did join WW online again. I feel like it will give me the guardrails that I need with enough wiggle room to avoid restriction and deprivation. It's a different program from the last time that I did it so I am excited about it.

My Journey: Where I'm at

I don't want to become obsessive about weight loss, dieting, and eating healthy because of where it has taken me in the past, but I do want to blog about it from time to time. I am learning that I have to be very careful of my thoughts and to keep my focus on the positive.

I'm at a higher weight than I've ever been and higher than I ever thought I'd be. I don't know exactly where I am because I don't weigh myself very much anymore. The scale tends to make me feel depressed or discouraged-- so I stay away.

Shopping for clothes that make me feel good is a way I can practice self-love. I've started to shop almost exclusively at Torrid because their clothes fit perfectly. There are a lot of brands out there that advertise themselves to be made for plus size women, but Torrid is the only place I've found where the clothes are actually made for plus size women. I'm working on loving myself even though I don't like where I'm at-- inside, I'm still me.

My focus is going to be on making healthier choices. Today hasn't been the best day, but I have made at least one good choice today. Yesterday, I chose to eat a delicious salad for lunch! I want to get back to eating salads for lunch again. I really enjoy them when they are flavorful.

Mostly, I just want to feel better again. I want to feel like I have my life together. There's something about exercise that does that to you. It's probably just the simple act of following through with something.

It would also help if I started getting up early in the morning and trying to get a workout in before Little Miss Sunshine wakes up and before my day begins-- just getting it out of the way as soon as possible!

However, I am struggling to sleep lately. I can't seem to turn my mind off to settle down and go to sleep. It has been a long time since I've felt that way. Thankfully, I've learned to read a book on my Kindle instead of tossing and turning and letting my thoughts get out of control.

This cruise coming up in about 5 months will be a great incentive to get started. Plus, the weather is starting to warm up so I can be outside more. The first thing on my list will be to create an ideal "schedule" for the day. I need to get more organized and intentional!

The Struggles Keep on Coming

I've come to the realization that I have a long way to go before I ever develop healthy habits involving food. There are so many ups and downs along this journey. I have never given up and I don't intend to, but I'd also like to make progress.

I can do really well for a short period of time and then everything comes undone. It makes me think about what my therapist has told me about having an all or nothing mentality. It's either perfect or it's not and I leave no option for just being "ok". Perfectionism and Binge Eating Disorder are actually linked.

But when I think about it, I don't feel like I'm a perfectionist. I don't ever feel like anything is good enough, there's always something that could be better and I'm often not motivated enough to make it better (or I procrastinate) so instead I worry and feel guilty about it. Maybe that is perfectionism...

I was listening to a Chalene Johnson podcast yesterday when she said, "You deserve the best, so why wouldn't you eat the best?". That really hit home for me.

Do I believe that I deserve the best?

If I do, then why don't I eat the best?

I find myself indulging too often. I'm all about indulging occasionally, but when it becomes a habit then it's no longer healthy in any way whatsoever.

It becomes like an obsession. I can't stop thinking about it, I will literally eat something in secret so that my hubby doesn't remind me that I shouldn't, and then that's followed by guilt.

Sometimes I feel like my out of control eating has been worse than ever lately. It goes in spurts though. I'll do wonderfully, followed by a short period of eating horribly and indulgently.

I keep telling myself that it's just an indulgence, and that's just life-- sometimes there will be indulgences. But like I said before, there are too many of them.

Maybe I'm not mindful enough. The journey seems so long and the goal so far away that I lose sight of the impact the choice that I'm making in the moment will have on the outcome. That's tough. I'm being too short sighted.

Anyways, thanks for reading my ramblings. Any thoughts?

Gratitude for My Body

I have been hosting a personal development book club where we are reading The Magic by Rhonda Byrne. The basic concept of the book is that gratitude can change every area of your life. It's the secret to success.

I have noticed an improvement in my outlook on life and even in my relationship with my husband. I take the time to think about, and write down, things I'm grateful for every morning. When you stop to think about it, there are so many things to be grateful for.

One of the chapters is about practicing gratitude for health. In that chapter, Byrne writes about how each body part plays a very important role and we should be grateful for each one.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you would know that I have very poor body image. I've been known to say that I hate my body and feel trapped inside of it. I focus so much on the fat that I forget to be grateful.

Yes, my midsection is large--but I carried a child for 9 months, it houses many vital organs, and works just as well as any skinny person's midsection.

My legs are larger than I would like, and I've always hated my wide calves. But, I can walk, run, and get around so easily. I am so grateful for my legs.

My arms are flabby and I'm embarrassed about stretch marks that I've had since I was a teenager (or sooner!). But my arms allow me to carry my little girl, to embrace my husband, and serve such an important purpose. I am incredibly grateful for my arms.

Maybe self-love is so much more than just accepting my body as it is, but it is actually being grateful for my body as well. Every single moment is a gift.

Why spend those moments worrying about something so insignificant as undesirable fat when I could be grateful for all of the positive aspects of my body and truly enjoy and embrace life.

On another note, being grateful for my body should also mean that I take good care of it. When we truly appreciate something, we do our best to keep it in good shape. Taking care of the body means eating foods that are good for the body, exercising, and so much more.

Gratitude can lead the way!