Motherhood: Time is Passing

It's the end of April already and I feel like we just celebrated the New Year. Where has the time gone? Can it just slow down a little bit?

I am in awe of how fast Little Miss Sunshine has grown. When you're pregnant, everyone always tells you to enjoy it because it goes so fast. You hear it so much that eventually you're doing epic mental eye rolls.

But really, it goes fast.

It's not all sunshine, rainbows, Starbucks, and trips to Target while toting around your adorable little one who immediately falls asleep when you begin shopping--to tell you the truth it's pretty much never like that--but it certainly goes fast and you will find yourself yearning for the time to slow down. Except for when you're up in the middle of night cleaning up puke...in your hair.

Little Miss Sunshine has grown from an itty bitty baby who was losing weight during her first few weeks of life...

...to an almost two year old as tall as your typical four year old. She has grown like a weed.

Being a parent is hard. You stress and worry about things you'd never imagine you would worry about.

When I was pregnant, I worried that I wouldn't naturally be a mother since I'd never really been comfortable around babies. I will tell you, without a doubt, that motherly instincts simply kick in. Maybe you don't know how to be a perfect mother (if one ever existed), but you will pour your entire heart and soul into motherhood and that's all that matters.

Sometimes I want to hold the baby version of her again. As a toddler, she doesn't like to sit still for more than a second or two and so those moments have slipped right through my hands.

I've said before that postpartum depression stole such an important part of my life from me. With all of that firmly in my past now, I can look back and still have some precious memories. Even if they are a little tainted with the darkness of depression and anxiety.

I know it sounds cliche, but I wouldn't trade this for the world. She is my little friend--always ready to give a hug or a kiss and to make me laugh. I look forward to learning more about this precious ray of sunshine that has warmed my soul--get to know her personality, her quirks, everything about her because I know I will love her forever.

These days, I find myself saying "no" about a thousand times a day--and some days infinitely more than that. She presses buttons, demands attention, lacks patience like her daddy, and has the temper of her mama.

Her eyes sparkle mischievously. Her quietness in the next room means trouble. Any other time, she never quits jabbering--happy chatter, most of which only she can understand. But her smiles and laughter brighten the room as much as her little tantrums in public cause my face to turn a warm crimson red.

I never expected that a heart could love so much, that my thoughts would constantly be filled with her, or that I'd be so protective of this little life I created with the love of my life.

She is my everything, even though she tries my patience over and over again. I want nothing more than to see her happy and content.

The days are long, but the years are short. 

10 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Mom of an 18 Month Old

You can read all of the latest books on parenting, take all of the childcare classes, and prepare all you want—but nothing prepares you like actually getting down and dirty in the trenches of parenthood.

Before I had a child, I thought I had all of the answers. Now that I have a child—I have all of the questions for the experienced mamas I know. There’s nothing quite as humbling as being a parent.

I cannot imagine how many more lessons I will learn as a parent, but here are just a sampling of some of the lessons I’ve learned thus far. Enjoy!

 

 

Your house doesn’t need to look perfect

I was really hard on myself in the first year after my daughter was born. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t keep the house clean, cook a healthy supper at night, take care of the baby, and manage to shower that day. I was lucky if I managed to shower. Part of this was due to postpartum depression, but part of it was due to the fact that I thought I had to have it all together, all of the time. Great news—I don’t!

Someone wise once told me that when you become a parent you have to find a new normal. For me, this means that sometimes I just have to ignore the toys scattered across the floor, the laundry piling up, and dishes stacking up in the sink and accomplish what needs to be done at that moment—whether it be taking a shower, playing with the little one, or just taking some me time. A home is meant to be lived in.

 

Whatever you do, don’t act alarmed

Whenever the little one would take a tumble, she would immediately look up at me to see my reaction. I quickly learned that if I acted like it was no big deal, then she would too. Conversely, if I panicked—so would she. Now, I wait for her response before I respond—and most often, she takes her tumble, stands back up and keeps on trucking without a single tear.

 

Increased number of blowouts? Go up a diaper size

This has been my number one indication that it was time to move up a diaper size. Once the blowouts start happening on a regular basis, you know it’s time to move up a size. For me, it’s kind of hard to physically tell if the diaper is too small or not by just looking.

 

Dislike a food the first, third, or fifth time? Keep trying

If you continue to introduce a new food, more than likely the little one will end up learning to like it. Sometimes the new texture or taste of food isn’t agreeable at first, but don’t give up too easily!

I think my daughter refused strawberries the first 20 times I offered them. Then one day, she started eating them and loved them. I was glad that I didn’t give up!

 

ALWAYS bring an extra outfit

I keep a bag in the car with an extra outfit or two, diapers, wipes, and snacks. The time that you forget the extra outfit is the time you’re going to need it. Babies are messy little creatures! It doesn’t hurt to have an extra outfit for yourself too—unless you like the look of food or spit up splattered across your shirt.

 

Little One Acting Out? Remain calm

When my daughter was going through a horrible biting stage, our pediatrician told us that parents are a baby’s favorite toy. Babies love to see the reaction of a parent—both good and bad. She told us that, although it can be hard, when the little one acts out, we need to do everything we can to remain calm. If we start yelling, or scream “ouch”—the baby will probably continue the behavior because he/she finds the reaction entertaining.

 

Happiness is contagious

One of the most rewarding parts of being a parent is seeing how people light up when they see your little one. Every time we go out, our little girl makes random strangers smile. Children truly are precious and their happiness is contagious. There’s a lot to be learned from the innocence of a child.

 

It’s okay to accept help

It took the humbling experience of postpartum depression to make me realize how important accepting help is. You don’t have to do it all alone. If you feel overwhelmed, ask for help. If someone offers help and you need it, accept it graciously without guilt. If you just need a few moments alone to recharge, ask someone to take care of the little one for an hour or two. As parents, we need a village of support and it’s so important for our mental and physical health.

 

It’s Just a Phase

Oh, the countless times I wondered how I would ever survive. There was the biting phase, the chewing on the furniture phase, the throwing food phase (we’re still in this one), the throwing herself on the floor in a tantrum phase, and so many more. Each time, I wondered how in the world I was ever going to be able to teach this little girl of mine that the particular behavior was not acceptable—because nothing I tried would work.

After surviving a few phases, you realize that these behavioral issues are simply phases and eventually your little one will grow out of that phase and onto yet another one. But, it’s only just a phase.

 

You think you won’t, but you will

Before having a child, I told myself I would never do this and never do that. I would never give up listening to the music I like and listen to children’s music instead. I did—I know so many nursery rhymes, lullabies, and children’s songs now. I often find myself singing them when I’m all alone.

While pregnant, the birth horror stories that every mother thought she needed to tell me was irritating. Now I find myself wanting to share my story—thankfully, I’m usually able to stop myself before I share—but seriously, you think you won’t—but you will. Just wait and see.

 

Can you relate to any of these lessons? What is an important lesson that you would add to this list?

Update on my plan, psychiatrist visit, and life in general

It probably won’t come as much of a surprise that I have failed miserably at sticking to my new Simply Filling plan. But I’m still on board with following the plan.

This holiday weekend brought a series of unplanned events and outings and I ended up going way off track. Pizza, donuts, ice cream, cookies, pancakes…yikes. I felt horrible by the time the weekend was over.

But I have seen improvements in my food choices overall—not including those parts of the weekend where I was way off track. I went grocery shopping and did not buy any “junk” foods. The contents of my cart looked much healthier!

On Friday night, hubby told me to take Saturday and go out and enjoy some alone time. I don’t know why, but I was nervous about it and felt guilty. But once I was out the door and on the road I felt much better about it.

It is AMAZING what a little bit of alone time can do. This was my first outing by myself since baby was born. I cranked up my music and sang in the car, did a little shopping, ate lunch in the car, went to Barnes & Noble and sat at the Starbucks drinking an iced latte and eating a cookie while reading my book, and finally I went grocery shopping—ALONE.

By the time I got home, I felt so refreshed. I was able to be the patient and loving mother and wife that I want to be. I really needed a break—I see that now and so does hubby. Even baby girl seemed happier after having some quality time with daddy. I think we both needed a little break from each other!

Sunday, hubby’s dad invited us out for Chinese. And then that evening we all left on a little road trip to meet some of hubby’s relatives. That was completely unplanned.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I explained everything to her. I don’t feel like she really hears me. I feel like I’m being rushed in and pushed out sometimes. She tells me the exact same things every single time. She asks me questions that I answer the same every single time. She obviously does not look at my file before seeing me and I find that frustrating.

Anyways, she tells me that of course I have chemical based depression and that means that I don’t have enough serotonin. But how does she know that’s what’s causing my symptoms? She’s just guessing. I tried to explain everything that happens, etc. and her answer is to up my anxiety meds and doubled my Xanax and told me to take it before I get anxious. Ummm? How am I supposed to know beforehand that I am going to be too anxious for my own health?

She says the buzzing feeling in my arms and my legs is the anxiety. She asks me abruptly, “Why do you feel like that?”—Well, I don’t know! That’s the point. Isn’t that exactly what depression and anxiety are? You have thoughts and feelings and you don’t know why or how to stop them. You’d think a psychiatrist would know that. Something isn’t quite right and I want to figure out what isn’t right before I just keep taking more and more medications.

I told her how it was like a flip of a switch for me and the depression comes on suddenly and can last for days or for weeks. Her response, “we all have times we feel sad, even on the medications”. DUH. There is a big difference between feeling sad, and feeling like you want to die, lacking all energy, crying all the time, feeling like a dark cloud surrounds you, and feeling hopeless. I know what it feels like to have a bad day—and what I feel is not just a bad day. But she doesn’t seem to hear me. Maybe it’s time to find a new psychiatrist.

Anyways, baby girl came down with a 102 fever yesterday afternoon. Poor baby. She went to bed last night at 6:30 and is still sleeping this morning at 10 a.m.! That’s a sure sign she doesn’t feel well. I’m glad she is resting though because that’s the best medicine. Hopefully it’s short lived.

Struggling in a big way—a novel of a post

Emotional eating has been the name of the game for the past few days. I haven’t been feeling like myself and I’m hoping it’s just hormones to blame.

I haven’t been able to stay away from chocolate—I’ve had some every day for probably the last week, but not in moderate portions the past few days. I’m not talking about crazy amounts, but just enough for me to realize that it’s emotional eating. I also ate two servings of ice cream yesterday for no particular reason other than I felt like it.

I am feeling stressed out (and don’t have a reason to be), anxious, and a little blue. I’ve had a couple of things happen this week that have added to my anxiety.

First, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. This is not like what you see in the movies. While she does have a couch, this isn’t therapy but it’s just about figuring out what cocktail of medication I need for the PPD recovery process.

So anyways, hubby was supposed to be able to watch baby girl while I had my appointment but he ended up not being able to make it. Since I had already canceled my appointment once, I decided I would take her with me since it’s usually a pretty quick in-and-out appointment.

I arrived and the small waiting room was filled with people. The receptionist was telling me that I owed money and if I didn’t pay it they were going to turn it over to collections. This was news to me because we have paid all bills we have received and I had no idea what she was talking about. However, the entire waiting room was our audience. That’s embarrassing—and not even accurate!

So I headed out to the small hallway to wait because there were just too many people in that small room for me to feel comfortable with. I let baby girl walk up and down the hallway, having to hold her hand most of the time because she wants to explore anything and everything she comes across, including trying to stick her fingers in electrical outlets. This child…lol.

And then this well-intentioned man came out of the waiting room to tell me that there were a couple of chairs available. So I felt like maybe I should go sit down since he was trying to be kind and I didn’t want to be rude. So I found a seat on the edge of the room. And then this lady gave baby girl her cell phone to play with. Whhatttt? Anyways, I didn’t want baby girl touching this thing for one thing but I also didn’t want her to break the phone! So I let her hold it for like a minute and then handed it back to the lady and said thank you.

In situations like these, I prefer to snuggle up inside my shell and not interact with anyone and just try to make it through. I know this sounds crazy but I guess it is how I have always coped. With baby girl, that is impossible. She likes to interact with anyone and everyone who will pay attention to her, including another baby in the room which she felt the need to yell across the room to. lol. She was waving at the receptionist and even wanted to walk through the room of people, probably to go make some new friends. She is a very friendly little girl, which I am proud of her for because it is not something I know how to do—but it’s also uncomfortable for me.

So we waited for 45 minutes PAST our appointment time. At that point I was about ready to leave. I was incredibly anxious and sweaty. Baby girl was about to lose it because it was passed her nap time and she was getting cranky and throwing everything I gave her to try to keep her entertained.

When the doctor finally called me in, her first question was that she noticed me waiting in the hallway and was I doing that because the room of people made me uncomfortable. She also proceeded to hand me a Kleenex because she saw me sweating. Oh my goodness—embarrassing, but it was anxiety related. So she saw my issues in person and told me she wanted to up one of my medicines if I was comfortable with it because she was confident it would help my social anxiety, but also told me to continue therapy to find ways to cope in these situations.

Meanwhile, baby girl wanted to run around her office and check everything out because that’s just her. I was trying to keep her close but the doctor said, just let her go—she’s fine. So she was going all over her office and trying to get in her papers, ripped a page in a children’s book, started to play with the mini-blind cords, and even went behind the doctor’s desk and right up to the doctor! So I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be worrying about what she was doing because the doctor told me not to, but I didn’t want her running around doing whatever so I was super nervous about that. The doctor didn’t care at all—but I was completely distracted and nervous. The doctor commented that baby girl is very inquisitive, happy, and active, which is a good thing, but keeps me on my toes—which she said was good for me because it will help me lose weight. lol…Anyways. She also told me my medication can also help me lose weight—so I will be pleasantly surprised if that does happen.

So by the time this appointment was done, I had given up any hope of going to Wal-Mart to look for a swim suit for my water aerobics class. I buckled baby girl into her car seat and then realized she had thrown her lovey blanket somewhere in the doctor’s office. There was no way I was going to try to live without that—so I unbuckled her and back into the office we went. Someone was talking to the receptionist, so we waited and waited. The receptionist quickly got the lovey and off we went….to Starbucks where I bought a nonfat caramel macchiato and a flourless chocolate cookie. Totally stress eating—and I would say that was the beginning. And then I got home and hubby told me he had to work late and I wouldn’t be able to make it to my first water aerobics class. I was disappointed and relieved all at the same time.

Now I know that I have written a novel, but I have more to say—lol.

Last night we had our bible study. Hubby had to work late again…but said he thought he could meet me there…and he did. As I’ve mentioned, I haven’t been feeling like myself and I need to learn that when I feel like that I should just stay home and “heal”, if you will. But I didn’t.

So there was a visiting couple there with a 6 month old. And this mom was completely relaxed and so was her baby. Just laying there and hardly making a peep. Baby girl has never acted like that in her life. So here she is chattering away and yelling and making her noises, throwing her toys, trying to climb all over me and hubby, and squirming to try to escape our arms so she can go climb the nearest steps (her latest obsession). She still takes a night time bottle and unfortunately I forgot it at home.

I saw this couple making sideways glances at us and at their parents. And I understand that I do not know what people are thinking but I think that I do…ha. So I was thinking that they were thinking (now that sounds crazy), “Wow, she is obnoxious…they really need to take her out. Why aren’t they taking her out…she’s distracting. We’re so much better parents than they are…just look, our precious baby is sitting so still and just staring at their wild child like he can’t believe his eyes. It’s probably because she’s formula fed”.

My thoughts get out of control. So hubby took baby girl out and I sat there and got very anxious to the point of tears, so I left the room and found hubby and cried. I told him I just couldn’t handle it and that I would take care of baby girl while he was in the bible study. He told me to take a Xanax, which I probably should have done before I got there.

While keeping baby entertained, she was starting to lose it. I tried to feed her Cheerios and she took a fistful and threw them all on the floor. She kept throwing her pacifier. I gave her a drink and she drank and drank and then started spitting water and she was soaking wet so I had to change her clothes.

Once the study was over, I rejoined the group and picked up all of the toys strewn all over. Finally baby girl could get down to walk around all she wanted to do was try to climb the stairs. So I stood up and held her. One man was joking with me and asked I was still having fun or if I was ready to give her away. I just laughed but I was thinking to myself, well actually I’m just now starting to have fun and unfortunately I never got to experience that before (a topic for another post). But I just smiled. And then another woman (a mother with older children) kind of sighed and said, “how are you?” and then said to baby girl “you are keeping your mama busy!”. And then I just started to lose it and started to cry so I said excuse me and went outside where I just started bawling. Thankfully, hubby had noticed and brought all of our stuff out and got us to the car and ready to leave.

It was just too much for me. And then I felt like I was back-tracking on the progress that I had made and I felt really disappointed. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just hormones or something.

I really feel like we have a unique child. I have a feeling that she is very smart (I know all parents probably think this…lol), and she is incredibly active and outgoing. The girl can whistle. If we sing the ABC’s, we sometimes catch her continuing the song, her “words” imitating the sounds of the letters. We get these little glimpses of what’s going on in her head and we are surprised! She definitely has a sense of humor.

I absolutely love her, but as her mother, I also understand her while people who are not around her everyday do not. So I’m afraid people might look on like, “what is up with her”, but they don’t really know her personality, etc. They don’t know that the only time she really acts out is when she is really tired, but otherwise she is a well behaved, sweet and funny little girl.

So while I wanted to begin the Couch to 5K this morning, I decided sleep was a better option for me at the moment. And I feel disappointed in myself for a variety of reasons. I’ve lost the energy that I had recently found. I have found myself wanting to curl up at home and not interact with anyone—except that we have company coming tomorrow night until Monday—whom I invited myself when I was feeling wonderful.

I actually called my husband last night and told him that I was too fat to leave the house…I know that sounds weird but it’s just my sense of humor and trying to express the way that I felt. I was sitting on the floor playing with baby girl and I saw myself in the mirror and I cannot believe how horrible I look. I am ginormous. I look like I sit around the house and eat Twinkies and entire pizzas by myself. I don’t do either, by the way, but no one else knows that—I just look like a woman who has absolutely no self control with food. And I probably am that woman.

I have been trying to tell myself that it’s OK that I am where I am. Most people do not know what I have been through in the last couple of years. They don’t know the battles that I have fought and that I am a SURVIVOR. A Warrior Mom. Even though right now, I feel like I have curled up inside my armor, laid down on the battle field clutching my sword with my shield resting over my body like a turtle shell.

I will get up again. The battle isn’t over yet.

Rocky Relationships: The Karpman Drama Triangle

I have been wanting to share the Karpman Drama Triangle with you all ever since my counselor introduced me to it. It has been especially helpful for me in dealing with certain rocky relationships in my life that have never gotten better despite the passing of years. I am not an expert on any of this, but I'm going to share what it means to me and how it has helped me.

Take a moment to review the triangle below.

(source)

There are three roles here, the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. As you can see, everyone ends up feeling like the victim in these relationships. It's unhealthy and full of drama, drama, drama.

I'm going to give an example of how this might play out and honestly this can play out in SO many ways and in pretty much every situation.

1. Baby cries and the mother begins to do what she believes her baby needs for soothing.
2. A rescuer offers unsolicited advice on what he/she thinks the mother should be doing.
3. The mother feels like a victim because she feels like the rescuer doesn't think that she knows how to comfort her own child. The mother feels sorry for herself because she has to deal with this type of behavior from the rescuer. 
4. The mother lashes out and snaps a  response, "I think I know how to care for my own child." In turn, the mother now switches from being the victim to being the persecutor.
5. The rescuer now takes on the role of the victim and begins to feel "poor me" type feelings.

In this situation, both people involved come away from the situation feeling hurt and resentful of the other person- like victims. Neither feels like he/she is guilty but places the blame on the other person. 

More than likely, the rescuer has been living out this type of behavior for a long time. They may often try to place guilt on others and are generally negative. And perhaps the victim has also taken on this role for far too long. Most importantly, someone needs to make a change to escape from this dramatic cycle.

This can be the hard part and takes humility. The person has to either value the relationship enough, or at least be tired of the negativity enough, to take a stand and make a change. For me, this has been about practicing the Golden Rule- do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and also about setting boundaries firmly but kindly.

Setting boundaries can be hard to do because we don't want to offend the other person. However, if we want the negative cycle to stop we have to put our foot down. The important thing is to be kind about it. So in the situation above, the mother could say, "I know you are very concerned because you love baby too, but I am going to try this method of comfort because I know that it works for baby". It is so easy to be snippy when someone annoys us, but if we practice the Golden Rule we can change the cycle.

I don't want to go into all of the specifics here, but doing this has definitely helped. It doesn't change the other person necessarily, but it does make me feel better about myself and how I'm acting. I am no longer the victim, rather I am a survivor. I don't feel guilty for my bad behavior.

My counselor told me something else that has helped me tremendously in many relationships. Sometimes we encounter people who are just odd, abrupt, rude, and unkind. Instead of feeling like a victim, I have to tell myself that "that's just them" and it is not my fault. I do not need to allow their actions or attitudes (what makes this person "just them") affect me and cause me to be the kind of person that I don't want to be. I am in control of me and I cannot control the actions of others and their actions are not my fault; however, my actions are my responsibility and I have the power to change negativity into positivity, even if the other person continues to be "just them". 

I'm not sure if all of this makes sense, but it definitely makes sense to me and has been incredibly helpful. 

Thursday Update

I’m so glad it’s Thursday and a 3 day weekend with hubby home is just around the corner! We don’t have any big plans, but we plan to try to get a few things done around the house—which we badly need to do! Everything has been so crazy this past year that I feel like we were over our heads and have fallen behind on a lot of things—it will take some time to catch up again.

This past week has been pretty average. On Tuesday, I went to Kohl’s to exchange a dress for Sienna that was too small. She also needs some new PJs for spring/summer and hubby wanted some black and gray undershirts. I also found a skirt for myself, but the jury is still out on whether or not I like it. What do you think?

I imagine wearing it with my new denim shirt and a white tee—and if I wanted to get really trendy, I could wear a fedora hat! I love that look but I don’t usually wear hats.

Yesterday, I was super tired all day long. I should have just taken a nap, but instead I just sat around doing nothing and wanting to snack—which I did a little too much of. I must sleep when I’m tired!!

And then when I’m tired is when my anxiety and everything else kicks in. So our church meeting didn’t go so well with Sienna. Hubby takes care of her most of the time because of my issues. I just wanted to cry. Everyone was so nice afterwards and told us that she did really well and that they could tell us all kinds of stories about trying to take care of their children during the meeting—they’ve all been there. That was an encouragement to me.

This week I reached out to someone to try to make a new friend and was kind of rejected. My first try and it didn’t work out—I don’t think she really meant it to be anything against me but still…I didn’t need that on my first try!! haha

But the good news is that someone reached out to me and invited me to get together with her and another friend of mine to do a little craft project. We’re going to paint flower pots. Afterwards, we’re going to visit a new coffee shop. That’s this afternoon. I sure hope baby girl can handle everything…and me too!

Baby girl continues to be so silly. Last night, she was cheesing at everybody and giggling. She isn’t shy at all. She has been walking a little more lately. She started “singing” and whistling. Oh my goodness it’s so funny. Also, if I ask her what a kitty says, she makes this meow noise that requires her to stick her tongue all of the way out of her mouth to make. She’s also getting to be quite naughty and has quite the attitude at times. I guess if she’s still doing this stuff at 6 years old then we’ll worry—probably just another phase!

Weigh in day tomorrow…I’m not sure how it will go really. Hoping for the best.

I better get going because I don’t have a lot of time to get ready!!

I did it!! Weigh in Day Recap & Personal Update #PostPartumDepression

Well, I guess that was a dead giveaway in the title! There’s no guessing on the outcome of this weigh in. Yep, it was a loss! But it wasn’t just any old loss…

It was a fantastic loss! And you know why?

Well, first… it was 3.8 lbs., which is just amazing for me—the slow loser.

Second of all, I hit my 10 lb. goal! I’ve lost a total of 10.4 lbs. in 5 weeks. Yay! That means that I can get my pedicure (my reward for my 10 lb. goal) any time now!

I knew that last week’s gain of .3 was just a fluke…that’s probably why I had the big loss this week. Most importantly, I didn’t just say “screw it” and go off track after that gain. Instead, I kept on track and the scale gave me some love.

I also want to say that I did not eat all super duper healthy food last week. I just ate what I wanted (well maybe not everything I wanted…) and I counted the points for it. I truly watched my portions. With baby girl’s party, I had cupcakes. I even had a donut with family. But every single point was counted. That doesn’t mean that all I ate was “unhealthy” food—I had MORE of the healthy stuff.

This is exactly how I lost almost 90 lbs. the first time. It seems like when I started to try to “eat clean” or omit certain foods, etc. that I started to slip up. It was too obsessive and no longer fun. I’m just going to be realistic and do my own thing this time. It seems to work.

Stats for the week:

• Weekly Points Used: 48/49
• Activity Points Earned: 19
• Activity Points Used: 0
• Total steps: 44,414
• Weight Loss this Week: –3.8 lbs.
• Total Weight Loss to Date: –10.4 lbs.

I didn’t do so wonderfully in the activity department—but it takes small changes so I’m not going to beat myself up about it.

---

I thought I’d give another personal update too. Maybe this makes these weigh in day posts too long, what do you think?

Anyways, I am feeling really great. The addition of the anxiety med really seemed to do the trick. I don’t think I have ever felt so calm and relaxed—it feels very “normal”, like that cloud has been lifted and the heaviness is gone. It’s such a wonderful feeling (this is just in this past week). Now I just need to see how I handle a “stressful” event.

I think my mental health plays a huge role in the weight department. I don’t feel overwhelmed or weary and so I don’t turn to food. I am not so worn out mentally that I don’t have the strength to think about health and making good choices. It will be very interesting to see if this really does the trick for me. Obviously, it takes my effort and it’s not like I’m taking a magic pill—but if the chemical balance was off then maybe that’s what was causing me such trouble (maybe even prior to PPD, just not to the same extent).

It’s a good feeling, let me tell you.

Baby girl continues to be just the cutest little thing ever. *gush and swoon* She’s just so happy like 99.9% of the time. Always smiling and laughing…and making everyone else smile and laugh too. She just has a way about her. She’s very sociable and loves attention from anyone and everyone. She loves to wave and smile at people in the stores.

Don’t get me wrong, she can be very stubborn—like throwing her food on the floor, throwing her sippy cup on the floor, standing up in the seat of the cart, or refusing to sit down when I put her in her high chair. I don’t know that it’s necessarily being naughty but just testing her limits and trying to show her independence, I suppose. She has opinions, I guess. lol

Funny thing though, this morning she threw food on the floor and shook her head no…so she obviously knows she’s not supposed to do it! I’m just trying to practice consistency and hopefully she will stop. She used to like to chew on the furniture (yes, again like a little puppy dog), but with consistently telling her no—she eventually just stopped.

Why didn’t anyone tell me how much I would worry about how to be the right kind of parent? Why didn’t anyone tell me how much I would wonder if I know how to discipline her correctly? Why didn’t anyone tell me how much I would worry that I won’t influence her in the right ways and shape her little life into a girl and woman who is respectable and kind? Why didn’t anyone tell me that I would change when I realized that little eyes were watching and little ears were hearing?

I am most certainly not the woman I was a year ago. It’s been difficult and trying, maybe more so because of the postpartum depression. But it’s been worth it. All of it.

Who knew that this little girl would change my life so much?

Every single moment has lead me to where I am right now---and for that I can be thankful. If there are any other women out there struggling with PPD, it DOES get better.

Much love.

April At Home Date Night: Hubby’s Turn!

Hubby waited until the very last minute to plan our April date night. Seriously, we had our date at 8:30 p.m. on April 30th! And that’s perfectly ok because it felt so romantic and I loved every minute.

In case you are just starting to follow along, at the beginning of the year, hubby and I decided to alternate turns planning a date night each month. Since becoming parents a year ago, we have realized how important it is to foster our relationship. While it’s not always possible for us to leave the house and go out for a date night alone, we plan at home dates!

I put baby girl down for bed and came down the stairs to have hubby stop me and tell me to wait before coming down. He came back and took my hand and walked me to our enclosed porch.

He had set the patio table and had a sushi supper removed from take out containers and placed perfectly on dishes. He had three little candles burning and had placed a red tulip in a little vase on the table. It was just perfect. The sun was setting and the weather was just right. It made me so happy that he put together something so romantic for us.

Once we started eating, I noticed he had written a note on my napkin.

Wasn’t that just the sweetest plan for a date night at home?

It was so nice and relaxing to eat a delicious meal as just the two of us. We had nice conversation and a great time together.

May is my turn! Hmmm…better start planning!

Interested in previous date nights?

January

February

March

Food Highlights and Day in Review (with pictures)

What a gorgeous day it was! The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the grass was deep green, and spring flowers are everywhere to be seen. Not to mention it was in the 70s today.

I didn’t sleep well last night—I don’t know if I was too hot or if I drank the Starbucks Refresher a little too late in the day and the caffeine kept me awake. I woke up at 6:45 and I was tired and fell back asleep at about 7:15. The next thing I knew, I heard baby making noises in her room and it was 9:15! That never happens—I can’t believe she slept that long either, but she did refuse an afternoon nap yesterday.

I had a delicious egg sandwich and a side of fruit for breakfast. Yum, yum, yum.

This is how baby girl’s breakfast went.

Yep, she thinks it’s the best thing ever to throw her food on the floor. We try to tell her no and she just thinks it’s funny and keeps doing it. Oh boy!

I have been afraid to feed her a lot of foods because of random things I have read here and there. I’m feeling a lot better about feeding her now that she’s about a year old. She hasn’t had peanut butter yet—so that will be a fun one to give her! I tried to feed her a clementine today, but you can see how that turned out. I just keep offering her the foods and letting her do her thing—eventually she’ll eat them!

I did some laundry while baby girl tried to eat the toilet paper, get in the garbage can, access the toilet plunger, and try to touch the toilet bowl cleaning brush. Ew. Time to find new homes for those—mission accomplished.

I have mentioned the toilet paper issue a couple of times. She likes to unroll the toilet paper and eat it… yes like a puppy dog. lol. I have tried telling her no and getting after her about it but she thinks it’s funny. So I decided to just ignore her when she does it—and you know what? It works! She doesn’t like eating toilet paper as much when I’m not paying attention to her, apparently. lol (Don’t worry, I was secretly keeping as eye on her—the trick was so that she didn’t know that I was)

Baby had a little bit of play time but it didn’t take long until she was ready for her nap. The mornings go SO quickly!

While she napped, I did my usual things—read my bible & prayed, checked up on blogging things, wrote an article, and did some preparing for lunch. I sipped on one of these and enjoyed it very much! We have to drink these up before Saturday! I haven’t had one for a long time. The smaller bottle (this one) is 5 PointsPlus which is about what I used for an iced coffee because I really like my coffee creamer—yep I’m back on it. I just can’t stop. I need flavored coffee creamer.

Speaking of Starbucks, did you see they sell a Smores Frappuccino out now? I definitely want to try that but I haven’t taken a peek at the calories yet. Maybe I don’t want to.

Since our schedule was way off, we had lunch at 2:00. I made a chicken burrito with leftovers for myself. I tried the new Yogurt 100 calorie Greek Whips! Strawberry Cheesecake flavor for dessert. Oh my goodness—this was SO good! Only 2 PointsPlus!

And Ash informed me there is a cupcake flavor. Be still my heart. I can’t wait to try that.

After lunch, we headed out for a walk for about 30 minutes. Whew—I was hot and sweaty by the time we got home. I swear, ever since I was pregnant I get SO hot all the time. I used to be cold all the time…I want that back! Maybe it’s all of my extra blubber.

Baby girl refused her afternoon nap again which is understandable since it was a lot later than usual. And she was a mess. Throwing tantrums and everything. I used my “ignore the behavior tactic” and it seemed to work again. Goodness knows I do not want her to think acting like that will get her attention. Parent in training. Whew.

I decided the best tactic would be going outside. We played in the grass and with her new big pink ball. I pushed her in the swing until she started “saying” all done.

I set up her new Summer Infant Pop ‘n’ Play to give it a try and so hubby could watch her while he grilled and I could get everything ready for supper inside.

Well played on my part because it worked fabulously and baby was happy—which is much better than a screaming baby pulling on your leg, hubby asking when supper is going to be done while supper burns on the stove. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Motherhood.

I made the above picture extra large so you can see how blue her eyes are! She gets lots of compliments on those beauties. I thought for sure she would have brown eyes because hubby does. I have a bluish grayish color eyes—I’m not really sure what color they are, but blue eyes run on my side of the family. One of hubby’s relatives said “now where in the world did she ever get blues eyes?” They all have brown. ha.

The highlight from supper was fresh asparagus from our garden. There wasn’t enough for all three of us, so I added broccoli and mushrooms. The broccoli was SO green. It was all delicious.

I have been loving Skinny Cow ice cream treats. Tonight, I had a caramel truffle bar. Divine.

I quickly cleaned up the kitchen and we headed out for a short walk as a family. I really needed more steps.

It was only 20 minutes long, but it was nice, windy, and cool and it was perfect for me—the human furnace.

I need about 600 more steps to meet my 10,000 step goal so I’ll be doing some walking in place tonight but I will definitely meet my goal! Two days in a row! I’m loving my Fitbit and it certainly helps me be more active.

There is still time to join the A Journey to Thin online book club!

I also wanted to tell you that some days I will have a couple of posts per day, especially if I have a post like my zulily one today with sale information. I like to have mostly personal posts but I also want to have the ad kind here and there. On those days, you’ll probably see both posts—so be on the watch for both. So if you’re not an email subscriber or you don’t follow my blog via the feed, make sure to scroll down and check to make sure there isn’t another post for the day! Better yet, just subscribe and you’ll be good to go.