A Fun Weekend

Hello everyone! I hope you had a good weekend.

On Friday, my MIL had the day off and wanted to spend some time with Little Miss Sunshine so she was over pretty much all day. I left for a couple of hours so she could have some alone time with her.

I found the perfect little coffee shop and it’s not even that far from my house. I’m so excited about it because it will be the perfect place for me to go enjoy a latte and either read a book or get some work done.

Isn’t that pretty? I look forward to going back.

Hubby and I were able to go on a date night too! It has been over two months since our last date night, so it was time. We went out for pizza at our favorite pizza place, stopped by the Home Show to see if the video I had been working on was playing correctly, and I went to Target while he went to a sporting goods store. Yep—we sound like an old married couple!

Since my video wasn’t working correctly, I spent a long time trying to figure that out when I got home! This was the first video I’ve ever made and it needed to be on a DVD. I finally got it all figured out and we brought it back to the Home Show on Saturday. That was a big stress relief for me! I got lots of compliments on it—so that makes me feel good!

The corporation that I made it for is very happy with it so far, but there is a lot more to add and it will probably never be “finished”, so I am thankful to have another ongoing work project!

The video took me 33 hours—I couldn’t believe it! I had estimated 10 hours. I apologized to them, explaining I had no idea how much work was involved in making a video—they told me not to worry one bit about the hours and to just send them an invoice. Whew!

I don’t know why I didn’t start trying to do more freelance work prior to becoming a SAHM. I can make more money in less than a week’s time than I did in 2 weeks—or even in a couple hours. It’s nice to finally feel like my time, work, and talent is being valued. I am thankful for the experience that I got at my last job though—it has served me well in many areas, including some of the freelance work I’m doing.

Speaking of, I have been a Microsoft PC user all of my life. I have been so fed up with the updates on Windows 8 and 10 and how incredibly slow my laptop was running that I did some research and determined that the MacBook Pro is best for the type of work I do.

I took the plunge and upgraded and I am SO glad that I did. I cannot believe how much better this Mac is. It’s so clean and intuitive…not to mention incredibly faster! I hope it will last me many, many years.

As a side note, I also bought a bright pink hard cover for it. Totally me. I thought you might enjoy that.

After the second stop at the Home Show on Saturday, we decided to use some gift cards to Red Lobster. I am obsessed with their Soy Ginger Salmon. So good.

I got to go to Target (alone!) and do some shopping with some gift cards that I’ve saved up. I bought a French Press (oh my goodness…amazing), eos lotions, and some random office/paper things that you know I like so much. Just perfect!

Except for the fact that I was still sick all weekend, it was a good one! Today is the first day that I feel like I’m actually improving. Fingers crossed! I also feel like I’m getting my energy back so that’s a good sign.

Now that I have phase 1 of my big project completed, I hope to have time to blog more this week! Not to mention, focus on my other business again, and get back to decluttering the house!

What are you up to this week?

What's Happening Lately...in Pictures

Last weekend, hubby and I went on a date night to celebrate his birthday. This was the first time we've been able to go out in a very long time. We definitely need to start doing this again!

We went to a Japanese steakhouse and it was so delicious. Once again, the chef made a comment about me being quiet. Every.Single.Time. I'm talking away to hubby and everything so I'm not really sure what that's about? Maybe they just can't hear me and they think I'm talking about them. Ha

After that, we ran a few errands-- what everyone does on an exciting date night, right? We stopped at a cupcake shop and I ate a super rich chocolate cupcake while hubby had a smoothie. It wasn't the healthy kind of smoothie, so he wasn't being all healthy while I ate my cupcake-- in case you were wondering.

I gave him his birthday presents on Monday, which was his birthday. He told me he wanted Iowa Hawkeye gear, so that's what I bought him. Little Miss Sunshine gave him a Starbucks gift card. ;)

Speaking of LMS, it seems like she has taken another leap in development over the past week. I am amazed at how much she understands. She can follow directions (when she wants to), and makes correlations that show there is a lot of thinking going on in her little brain.

She has started to be very affectionate with lots of hugs and kisses. She really knows how to turn on the charm when she knows she's being naughty and we're starting to lose our patience.

I caught her walking around the house in one of my shoes. It was pretty cute.

She especially likes to stack up blocks, Tupperware containers, bottles of shampoo, or anything she pulls out of the cupboards. We like to play Legos, yep--I have fun with it too!

I assembled her new table last week and she will sit there every once in a while. Mostly, she likes to drag her chair with her and use it to climb up and get the things she can't reach, especially all of the things on my desk.

Not a lot of exciting things going on this week! Well, except that I found a live moth in a bag of fresh, washed, and ready Spinach! I called customer service and they're sending me a $5 gift card.

I know it's produce and it grows outside where there are bugs and all, but I don't want to find bugs in my "washed and ready" produce! I'm kind of wondering how that even happened! Yuck!


What has been happening with you this week? 

Baby, I Can’t Live Without You

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #loveandprotect #CollectiveBias

As a family, we all rely on each other and the truth is that every member of the family provides a portion of the support which helps keep the family going strong. The Holderness family (the family with the funny holiday greetings videos) created a funny video for Protective Life about the humorous side of how families rely on each other.

Watch it. It’s funny, I promise. It does poke fun at spouses, but it brings up an important topic—needing to be prepared for the unthinkable.

I know I can’t live without my hubby and I thought I’d share some of the reasons with my own personal ballad to him.

 

Who would keep my feet warm at night? My feet are always fuh-reezing and I depend on hubby’s warm legs to keep them warm. I usually catch him off guard and he shrieks when he feels how cold my feet are—which leads to a lot of giggling on my part.

 

 

I’d be stranded without gas. Hubby is the one who always puts gas in the truck. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even realize the tank is running low until the empty light comes on.

 

I’d have an inflated ego about my cooking. With no one to tell me what’s wrong with the meal “this time”, I’d surely think I was an award winning chef.

 

Life would be boring without our adventures. Did I tell you about the time hubby decided to drive our jeep into a field covered in a foot or two of snow? I told him it probably wasn’t a good idea since I was pregnant and we didn’t want to get stuck. “We won’t get stuck”, he said. Well, we got stuck. I got to enjoy a few laughs while he dug us out—wearing his Sunday best. This is just one of many adventures we’ve been on together!

 

How would I experience the country life? From taking down fences, to riding on tractors, shooting a gun, and getting covered in mud on a four wheeler ride—I’d never have experienced any of it without him.

 

My tires would be flat. The very first gift I received from my husband was a digital tire gauge. True story. So romantic. But he cares about me and takes care of me in the most practical ways.

 

Who would clean the toilets? Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Cleaning the toilets is just one of those jobs that I can’t stand. All I can think about is all of the germs and it just grosses me out.

 

I don’t know how to load the dishwasher correctly. Or so he says. The silverware must be placed facing upward singly within each slot. The bowls must go here, the plates over there and they must only face a certain direction. The soap must be added in just the right amount and the cover shut in just the perfect way.

 

Who would take my before picture? I can poke fun at myself too. Seriously, how many of these pictures do I have? Probably a hundred or something. One of these days I’ll have the after picture.

 

 

I could never raise our daughter alone.  I need his support when my patience runs out or she poops her diaper while I’m cooking dinner. Really though, I couldn’t do this without him.

 

Who would comfort me when disaster strikes? It’s times like this when you realize what’s most important. When we experienced a derecho (a hurricane of the prairie) and we were huddled in the basement hearing the house creak, wondering if our house would still be standing in a few minutes, hubby told me everything would be ok. He’s my rock in this life.

On a serious note, planning for the future is so important. Nobody wants to think about the possibility of tragedy striking the family, but it can happen in an instant and your life can be changed forever.

Did you know that it costs approximately $400,000 to raise a child? I learned that while reading an article in Protective Life’s Learning Center.

I know I wouldn’t be able to make ends meet without my hubby’s income to support us. We have made plans so that if the unthinkable does happen, we are prepared and taken care of financially.

 

Be sure to check out the Holderness Family’s video for a chuckle and head to the Protective Life Learning Center learn about the importance of being prepared.

Who can’t you live without and why?

9 Years

Today is our ninth wedding anniversary and I have no idea where that time went. So much has changed in the past nine years, except for the fact that we still love each other.

It seems that with each year I love hubby more and more. This past year has been a trying one with my postpartum depression diagnosis and recovery, but he showed me what unconditional love is and I fell in love with him all over again.

I look forward to falling in love a million more times in our forever together.

My Journey: Therapy for my Emotional Eating Habit

A few years ago, the thought of talking to someone about my emotional eating tendencies would have scared me enough that I would have never considered it. And I never did, until now.

I hit rock bottom this year, thanks to postpartum depression. Because of that, I was more than willing to go to therapy to work through my emotions and learn the coping skills that I so desperately needed to simply function and overcome the anxiety that I had developed. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still haven’t completely recovered. It’s a process that takes time and a lot of work.

I had a therapy session yesterday where we talked about how I feel like my hubby and baby girl deserve someone much better than me. It was the hardest session that I’ve had yet and it made me realize how deeply I have shoved my emotions into my heart.

We focused on how I feel like my hubby deserves a woman who has it more together. Someone who doesn’t have all of my issues. Someone who is fit, thin, and beautiful. Someone the opposite of me. And once again, it all came down to  poor body image, intense feelings of shame & guilt, and not loving & accepting myself.

We talked about my pregnancy and how I never really got to enjoy it because I was always worried about my weight and felt like I was ugly & huge. I never got to experience really having a “baby bump” because I already had a plump figure. No one could even tell that I was pregnant—it just looked like I was getting fatter and fatter.

I told her about something my doctor did to me in the last few weeks of pregnancy and the emotions and shame swept over me like it had just happened again. I sobbed. My heart is still broken over that and I never took the time to heal and come to terms with the experience, which is why I still feel the pain of it so strongly. I feel like it is finally time to blog about that experience so that I can finally heal. I’ll share that when I have the time & gain the courage.

It all came down to my weight, my negative body image, and my negative self image—once again. And I believe that may be the root of my problem. I don’t love myself. I absolutely hate myself. That didn’t just happen over night but it has been a lifelong accumulation of negative self talk, and believing what any person said about me like it was the gospel truth. It’s because of a lack of confidence. It’s a feeling of unworthiness.

My therapist seems fairly religious and I am thankful for that because she brings insight into how God might view my situation. Her thoughts cause me to think differently about my experiences and it helps to spin a more positive light on my situation.

My biggest take away from this appointment was that God created me and He knows that I am not perfect and that I will never be perfect. But if I am living my life trying to become what would please God, then that is enough. He loves me, despite the fact that I am imperfect.

Maybe I don’t have the perfect body and I struggle with my weight. Maybe I have postpartum depression. Maybe I am not perfect. But because of these physical & emotional imperfections, great things have been done in my heart.

If was had been born with a perfect body and no eating issues, I would never have been able to understand what it’s like to be bullied & belittled and maybe I would never have had the empathy that I have now. I never would have needed this blog as an outlet. Perhaps the entire course of my life would have changed, and quite honestly—I have a pretty good life the way it is.

Life may have been a lot less complicated and easier if I had not been predisposed to postpartum depression. But if it had never happened, the restoration that is occurring in my heart and soul would never have happened. Once again, it has helped me to have empathy and compassion for others.  It has caused me to seek out God more earnestly. The experience has improved my marriage and brought us even closer together. And it is because of this experience that I am even beginning this journey of therapy to address the issues that have lead to my weight problem.

How can I have shame about my perceived imperfections when these are the very tools which have molded me into who I am?

How can I expect to attain perfection when God has created me knowing that I will be imperfect, and yet loves me anyway?

These questions are like the effect of the warmth of the rising sun on a densely foggy morning—they dissipate the fears and bring clarity to the distant horizon. It’s a start. I can see my goal, but the road to get there is still long and winding.

My mission for the next couple of weeks is to begin to track my emotions when I “go off track” or when I am eating for reasons other than hunger. I stopped at Target and bought a little notebook that I will keep in my purse. And wouldn’t you know that my first entry is: ate a chocolate chip cookie from Starbucks because I was emotionally drained after therapy.

It is amazing how physically draining emotions can be. After the appointment, I never did get my energy back. I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. I feel better after a good night’s sleep.

This was my first therapy session where we discussed how I need help with the psychological reasons of why I am overweight. She told me this is something that we can work on. And that gives me hope. By journaling, she believes this will bring insight into why I am overeating, etc. and then we can go from there.

And so this is only the beginning.

Thursday Update

I’m so glad it’s Thursday and a 3 day weekend with hubby home is just around the corner! We don’t have any big plans, but we plan to try to get a few things done around the house—which we badly need to do! Everything has been so crazy this past year that I feel like we were over our heads and have fallen behind on a lot of things—it will take some time to catch up again.

This past week has been pretty average. On Tuesday, I went to Kohl’s to exchange a dress for Sienna that was too small. She also needs some new PJs for spring/summer and hubby wanted some black and gray undershirts. I also found a skirt for myself, but the jury is still out on whether or not I like it. What do you think?

I imagine wearing it with my new denim shirt and a white tee—and if I wanted to get really trendy, I could wear a fedora hat! I love that look but I don’t usually wear hats.

Yesterday, I was super tired all day long. I should have just taken a nap, but instead I just sat around doing nothing and wanting to snack—which I did a little too much of. I must sleep when I’m tired!!

And then when I’m tired is when my anxiety and everything else kicks in. So our church meeting didn’t go so well with Sienna. Hubby takes care of her most of the time because of my issues. I just wanted to cry. Everyone was so nice afterwards and told us that she did really well and that they could tell us all kinds of stories about trying to take care of their children during the meeting—they’ve all been there. That was an encouragement to me.

This week I reached out to someone to try to make a new friend and was kind of rejected. My first try and it didn’t work out—I don’t think she really meant it to be anything against me but still…I didn’t need that on my first try!! haha

But the good news is that someone reached out to me and invited me to get together with her and another friend of mine to do a little craft project. We’re going to paint flower pots. Afterwards, we’re going to visit a new coffee shop. That’s this afternoon. I sure hope baby girl can handle everything…and me too!

Baby girl continues to be so silly. Last night, she was cheesing at everybody and giggling. She isn’t shy at all. She has been walking a little more lately. She started “singing” and whistling. Oh my goodness it’s so funny. Also, if I ask her what a kitty says, she makes this meow noise that requires her to stick her tongue all of the way out of her mouth to make. She’s also getting to be quite naughty and has quite the attitude at times. I guess if she’s still doing this stuff at 6 years old then we’ll worry—probably just another phase!

Weigh in day tomorrow…I’m not sure how it will go really. Hoping for the best.

I better get going because I don’t have a lot of time to get ready!!

April At Home Date Night: Hubby’s Turn!

Hubby waited until the very last minute to plan our April date night. Seriously, we had our date at 8:30 p.m. on April 30th! And that’s perfectly ok because it felt so romantic and I loved every minute.

In case you are just starting to follow along, at the beginning of the year, hubby and I decided to alternate turns planning a date night each month. Since becoming parents a year ago, we have realized how important it is to foster our relationship. While it’s not always possible for us to leave the house and go out for a date night alone, we plan at home dates!

I put baby girl down for bed and came down the stairs to have hubby stop me and tell me to wait before coming down. He came back and took my hand and walked me to our enclosed porch.

He had set the patio table and had a sushi supper removed from take out containers and placed perfectly on dishes. He had three little candles burning and had placed a red tulip in a little vase on the table. It was just perfect. The sun was setting and the weather was just right. It made me so happy that he put together something so romantic for us.

Once we started eating, I noticed he had written a note on my napkin.

Wasn’t that just the sweetest plan for a date night at home?

It was so nice and relaxing to eat a delicious meal as just the two of us. We had nice conversation and a great time together.

May is my turn! Hmmm…better start planning!

Interested in previous date nights?

January

February

March

She Wears a Cardigan Beneath Her Dress

I wake up before the alarm, as I often do when I am worried. One hour and 32 minutes early. My hands are shaky and I feel so much nervous energy, like I could start twitching. Behind my tired and heavy eyes, my mind immediately starts running 1,000 miles a minute.

My heart seems to be pounding in my chest. It’s not deafening, but I notice it. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. You’re not supposed to notice your own heart beat—it’s like breathing, it’s something you do unconsciously but it becomes laborious when you’re mindful of it. 

I try to be still and quiet so as not to wake him. I try to silence my mind and to relax my muscles but I realize it’s futile. I reach for my phone and read my emails, check for new photos on Instagram, and take a peek at the weather for the day—frigid, yet again. But no matter how still I try to be, he always seems to know when I’m not restful and he begins to stir. Three gentle taps of his big, calloused hands on my arm tells me he loves me even when he’s still too sleepy to say it out loud.

He wakes up at his 6 a.m. alarm. He likes to be punctual and he has this habit of waking up hours before the time when he would absolutely have to wake up. He really does it for me, but he doesn’t say so.

I tell him that I’ll come downstairs too—there’s a lot that needs to be done and I won’t be able to sleep anyways. He tells me to stay put and to rest—I need it. So I do. I’m not able to sleep, but I enjoy the silence of the morning, the stillness of the house, the softness of the sheets, and the morning light peeking around the shades.

Even though I feel like curling up in a ball and staying there forever, I roll out of bed. I’m very quiet so as not to wake the baby. The old wooden floor creaks under my socked feet and I anticipate the dependable morning chatters of her morning wake. While the noise does bring joy to my heart, I also feel like cringing because it means I have to start the day. Another day. Yet another day. And I don’t know if I have the strength.

When I come down the stairs I smell the distinct woodsy smell of his soap. The air is warm and moist. He is freshly shaven and dressed in a white cotton shirt and red boxer shorts. I could forever breathe that smell—close my eyes and savor its pleasantness and how uniquely it is him. But there’s too much to be done and so I simply let the moment pass seemingly unnoticed.

I mutter good morning. He asks me what’s wrong. I sharply deny anything and everything. Nothing. It’s always nothing, yet it’s everything and I just can’t understand or express it all.

And then I notice. The clean dishes are put away, even though not exactly like I would put them away—I try not to focus on that because I know it’s not really important, but I still let it irritate me. The dirty dishes are loaded in the dishwasher, precisely the way that he believes is the best way to get them clean. He’s folding warm towels.

I breathe a sense of relief, but feel guilty that he has done all of this. I’m supposed to be the homemaker now, why am I struggling so much? Appreciation overflows from the cup of my very soul and I tell him how thankful I am for how much he does. His actions are precious gifts.

Feeling courageous after hearing his actions speak, I tell him how I feel. I am nervous. I worry that while we are out that baby will be out of control, that I won’t know how to keep her quiet, that everyone will be staring and judging me as a bad mother, that I don’t know what I’m doing, that I can’t keep afloat in this motherhood role. I am so nervous and it’s making me on edge. I desperately don’t want to feel nervous. I want to feel normal.

And he hugs me, assures me that he’ll be there and he will help. It will be ok. I breathe him in and I feel better.

The sun continues to rise while I make breakfast, feed the baby, brew coffee, plan lunch, make bottles, pack the baby bag, clear the dishes off the table, clean up the kitchen, and plan our outfits. It’s never enough though. There’s always more to be done. I’m exhausted and the day has barely begun.

I take a moment to sit down to finish my coffee, which has grown cold. I close my eyes and long for a caffeine rush but, as usual, it never comes. My mind does feel better for resting, but I still have to shower. I am in a nervous frenzy as I rush into the bathroom to get ready. I tell him that I don’t think I’m ever going to have enough time to get myself ready and to dress the baby. I try to hurry. I’m worried, nervous, and anxious.

When I step out of the shower, he is getting his clothes together. I hear the baby whining as she crawls towards the bathroom. I immediately start to panic and feel overwhelmed, even resentful. Though it doesn’t all lie on my shoulders, I feel like it does.

He picks up the baby and starts to sing “The Wheels on the Bus”, her favorite song and instant soother. His manly voice singing this childish song is a sweet melody to my heart. When I look at them both, my heart absolutely melts when I see he has dressed her.

Her gray cardigan sweater is buttoned up and beneath her purple and white polka dotted dress instead of over top of it.  She’s wearing pink athletic style socks, but otherwise she is bare legged with no tights on. Her hair is disheveled and unruly. As he holds her like she is his masterpiece, his brown eyes are sparkling and he is beaming with pride.

Although she looks slightly irritated, her pretty pink lips curl and she smiles her toothy, slobbery grin. She bounces in excitement.

And I giggle at the sight of it all. And then I start laughing so hard I feel like I could cry. He laughs too, but doesn’t know why I’m laughing.

I’m pretty sure there is no greater love than his on this earth. And I am so grateful that he shares it with me.

 

This post was written prior to a postpartum depression diagnosis. This is a snapshot of a moment of an ordinary day with postpartum depression.

This post is also in response to the 52 Weeks of Gratitude Challenge on Pinterest, “Spouse/significant other” writing prompt.