Me: Let’s walk up to the store to get the last few things I need to make the orange salad you like.
Hubby: Ok, are you sure you don’t want to run?
Me: Yes, I’m sure….
Hubby: Oh no, I bet the grocery store isn’t open. We’ll walk all the way up there and it’ll be closed.
Me: I bet it will be open…
Hubby: I’ll bet you $20 it’s closed.
Me: I’ll bet you $50 and I also get to pick out any chocolate item I want out of the Easter candy, I bet they’re still open.
Hubby: Why do you keep doing that? You know eating Easter candy isn’t going to get you to Onederland.
Me: I know… I just can’t stop craving things I shouldn’t have!
Hubby: Why are you struggling so much lately? You were doing so well for a while.
Me: I don’t know…
(pause)
Me: Maybe I’m just meant to be at this size. Maybe I should just be happy with where I’m at. Maybe I’ve gotten too happy, too content…
Hubby: No! You know you want to get to 144. You’ve wanted this so bad for so long! You can’t stop now. Look how far you have come!
Me: I know… I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
(brief interlude at the grocery store where I pointed out cookies that I love, cheesecake in the fridge, and candy in the aisles)
On the walk home…
Hubby: You’re not giving up are you?
Me: No! I don’t want to give up…I’m just really struggling. I don’t know what to do… I’m so overwhelmed.
Hubby: Maybe you need help. I’m totally ok with it if you want to hire a professional trainer or get professional help. It’s harder to lose those last pounds.
Me: It really is…I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Hubby: I know you want to see what’s in that Onederland Box. I hope you’re just not afraid to be smaller. Afraid to get into the 100’s. We see that on Biggest Loser all the time. The contestants let fear of the unknown keep them back. Are you afraid of being smaller?
Me: I don’t know… (knowing all the while that saying I don’t know is an avoidance mechanism)
Hubby: I hope you’re not afraid. Look how much your life has changed already!
Me: I know. And I love the changes. But it’s been hard. I am stepping outside of my comfort zone all the time. Doing things that I never imagined having the courage to do before. And it’s HARD! Some days, I get to the end of the day and I am so exhausted. I’ve pushed myself to my limits, mostly socially, because I’ve gained the confidence to do things I’d have been afraid to do before. I’m STILL learning how to be comfortable in the skin I’m in now… I’m not sure I’m ready to get SMALLER and then have to learn to be myself in that skin too…
Hubby: You have so much you want to accomplish. And you are completely capable of it. Don’t let anyone tell you that you should be happy with where you’re at right now. You keep on going. It’ll only get better from here. You will be able to run faster. You will be healthier. You’ll be just fine. I love you however you are, but I want YOU to be happy with yourself.
This post is part of a series of posts that will run through the month of April as part of the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge.
Today’s prompt was to write about a conversation I had in the past week. I chose this one because it’s a common one that I have with hubby. I’m lucky to have someone who knows what I want and is always there to push me along and make me think about my actions. I’m struggling, weight loss is hard…
Have you had conversations like this one?
