A New Beginning

It's New Years Day, so of course you're going to hear from me again! I'm another one of those New Years Resolutioners, but you have to start somewhere or you'll never start. So here I am.

The most significant thing that I did for weight loss was join a medically supervised weight loss program. It was very low carb, no drugs or anything like that, but I found that I could not stick to it. I ended up quitting and they gave me a portion of my money back.

I'm ok with the fact that I quit. I tried something new, found it wasn't for me, and I made a decision to stop and try something else. Granted, I did not try something else after I quit in November-- but it was the holidays and I enjoyed living without obsessing about food. So I'm ok with that too.

As far as weight loss goes, I have learned that I cannot do any diet with restriction-- restriction of a certain food group, too much restriction, or generally trying to force my mind into believing that something is off limits. It's probably a mind thing, but it is the way I am and always have been. Whenever I start restricting, it leads to a massive binge period at some point-- and that's not healthy.

The last year has been a good one for me. Miraculously, I developed either a growth in self-love or maybe a failure-to-care anymore attitude. Either way, I am in a better place mentally.

I no longer look in the mirror and hate myself-- I do avoid mirrors most of the time though, just sayin'. But I don't feel the overwhelming feeling of self-hatred anymore.

Mostly, I am in awe that despite what I have put my body through it continues to be strong, give me life, and my bloodwork is perfect. With my blood work alone, you'd never know I was morbidly obese. And I am so thankful to my body for that. It's incredible.

But it's time to start taking better care of myself, not because I hate myself and want to change, but because I respect what my body is capable of and I love myself enough to want to change. I want to change because I deserve more. I want to change because I don't binge on certain foods because I want to, but because I'm using them as a bandaid. I'm tired of being broken, and I want to rehabilitate.

After some thought, I did join WW online again. I feel like it will give me the guardrails that I need with enough wiggle room to avoid restriction and deprivation. It's a different program from the last time that I did it so I am excited about it.

Shared Medical Appointment #1

Today was the first shared medical appointment in my new weight loss program. This is a medically supervised weight loss program and we meet in groups every couple of weeks. I think there are about 15-20 people in my class, but I didn't count.

I love the concept of a shared medical appointment for those with chronic conditions-- in this case being obesity and obesity related conditions. Thinking about it as a shared doctor's appointment made me realize that I am learning so much more this way as opposed to just a one-on-one visit with the doctor.

Chances are, when someone has a questions there are others that have the same question-- even if they haven't thought of it yet, which is what I do at doctor's appointments! I always think of questions to ask once I've left the office.

We each still had a one-on-one visit with the doctor. I had just seen him a couple of days ago, so mine was pretty short! However, following the nutritionist's advice at my first appointment has led to a couple of pounds lost already and I've only completed one (now almost two) days. The official "diet" actually begins tomorrow-- so I guess I'll call that extra credit that I started a little early! I figured why not get started NOW rather than wait.

A large portion of the meeting was with the nutritionist. He cooked two different healthy entrees and we each had a sample. While cooking, he taught us proper ways to cut veggies, told us nutritional information and also answered questions.

I learned a lot and the food was delicious and colorful! I really need to go get a full load of groceries so that I can have success. I even ate peppers, which I'm not a huge fan of. I'm going to try to force myself to learn to like them. I don't hate them, but they're not my favorite veggie. Peas, on the other hand, I will not force myself to try to like. That's just not possible. I hate them.

I think a huge part of being able to maintain with something like this is taking the time to cook delicious food. I love grilled food so I want to start grilling more or even find my George Forman grill to make it more convenient for me.

I've been very hungry today but haven't had a lot of time to eat either. The doctor told me that after 2-3 days I won't be so hungry. I love how they understand that it's impossible to stick to a diet if you're hungry all the time-- and it certainly isn't maintainable to be hungry all of the time! This is why fat is so important in a diet, contrary to popular belief.

I'm not going to lie-- I made a batch of brownies the night before I knew I was going to begin. I enjoyed brownies and ice cream (my favorite dessert) as my farewell to obesity and promptly packed up the brownies and gave them to a friend the next day! I'm glad I did because it's so easy to mindlessly eat when I'm stressed out or tired. I paid for those brownies though-- let me tell you! I had horrible heartburn that night and the next day.

The last couple of days I've had a huge improvement in my eating. I feel better, less bloated, and have a better outlook overall. I cannot hide my anxiety like I usually can though! They take my blood pressure each visit! It was sky high again today-- my body tends to think I'm in danger a lot, apparently. I'll be tracking it at home to get a better idea of what my blood pressure has really been like.

The next two weeks are very important. The doctor described them as like building the foundation. If you build a house with a foundation that is all messed up, then nothing else will work right either-- the windows will be out of whack, the walls not plumb, the floors crooked, etc. I'm going to give it my all at 100%.

One thing about this is that I am 100% convinced because not only are we given instruction, but we were given a book about the science behind it. It makes sense, it coincides with my own experience with obesity, food, and with my failed experiences with mainstream diets.

Anyone can have success if they starve themself with a calorie deficit, but is it maintainable in the long run? For myself, absolutely not. I've lost weight numerous times and I've never been able to keep that weight off for good. This is the same experience of most of the people I know.

So yeah, I'm excited about this! At the same time, I'm still jaded and afraid that nothing will ever work for me. I'm betting that the proof is in the carb-free pudding and I'll have more confidence the longer I'm experiencing the program.

Getting Started Again

It's the beginning of a new year so that means it's time to set goals again. And, as always, losing weight is at the top of my list. It has to be because I weigh more than ever.

Why is it that every time you lose weight, if you gain it back you also gain back more? Sigh.

Anyways, it is what it is.

Over the last while of eating whatever I want, I have finally gotten over judging myself for every single bite of food I put into my mouth. I will call that progress, even if my weight has gone up.

Now is the tricky part, to begin nourishing my body without thinking of it as deprivation or as a diet. It's a mental thing.

I have been working on accepting myself as who I am. That I can be both overweight and accepted at the same time. That's hard! I'm trying to respect myself more, to just be me and be proud of it. I am learning to love myself for who I am instead of beating myself for who I wish I was. Does that make sense?

So yesterday was my first day. Actually, hubby and I are doing this together again. My plan is to drink my two shakes per day, 2-3 snacks per day, and one healthy meal. Yesterday I was really hungry at lunch, so I had a salad with my shake.

It's about nourishing my body, right? I mean seriously-- just because having a salad with my shake isn't on plan, should I really beat myself up for eating a SALAD? I think I should give myself a pat on the back for choosing something nourishing.

Yesterday wasn't perfect. It was hubby's last day of his vacation and that makes things a little different than when we're in our regular routines! Today should show a little more progress! Overall, I'm happy.

However, I made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning thinking that I surely shed a lot of weight. Only lost .1 lb. Yep, basically stayed the same. So I had to remind myself that I FEEL better. I feel smaller and lighter and that's what is important!

Are you starting again?

Day 1: My New Plan

I made it through Day 1!

There were moments throughout the day where I had to remind myself that I didn't have enough points to afford to eat something I wanted. And then I'd find myself realizing I wasn't even hungry, but I was eating for other reasons.

I'm just going to go ahead and tell you that I'm following Weight Watchers SmartPoints-- thanks to a Groupon and an extra coupon code.

I definitely increased my fruit and veggie consumption today and decreased my processed food consumption. I know I'm going to feel a lot better very soon simply for these two reasons alone.

When I got on the scale this morning to see my starting weight, I had actually lost 6 lbs. from my highest weight-- so that was a really good feeling. I'm going to make myself get on the scale regularly so I don't lose my focus and let things get out of control.

My husband doesn't read my blog often, so I think it's safe to go ahead and say that he doesn't know I'm doing Weight Watchers yet. I am terrible at keeping secrets from him so we'll see how long that lasts! I just didn't want to feel the pressure of knowing he is probably thinking "here she goes again...it never works for her". I have told him that today was going to be my first day of getting healthy and he hasn't asked any questions as far as what I'm doing-- but he did check up on me to see how I did today.

I am focusing on the fact that I'm using Weight Watchers as a way to learn how to eat healthy again. Somehow my good habits I developed a few years ago were completely disregarded in the last year or so. I want to feel like I used to feel when I had lost almost 100 lbs. I was doing something right at that time!

The more I think about it, I realize that my disordered eating habits truly became a big problem when I hit a plateau that first time around. I want to write more about this and why I think it contributed to my backslide soon.

I'm not going to lie-- I'm so hungry right now. I'll be going grocery shopping this weekend and can stock up on the things that I should be eating. I'd love your recommendations on snacks with low SmartPoints values. This is all kind of new to me!

I made my Easy Beef Stew for supper tonight with some rolls. I may have eaten a little too much stew, but I only ate one roll and no dessert. I'm happy with that! The stew is full of veggies. It was perfect for this fall day.

Let me know if you are following the current SmartPoints WW plan!