Body Image: I'll remember not to look

My hopes were high as I began browsing the Plus Size section-- interestingly enough, it was the smallest section of the store. The variety was even smaller. I was left to choose between a ridiculous patterned tent-like shirt or a hideous body-hugging top which would show all of my fat rolls as well as how many I had eaten at dinner last night.

I grabbed a few of the less-ugly articles of clothing and headed for the fitting room. I saw myself in the mirror-- my shirt snug against my mid-section. How did I become so big again?

My eyes moved to my thighs. While they've always been large, they were always "firm"-- if that makes sense. This time, they looked lumpy, with purple veins spidering out across my legs like cracks in glass. My heart sunk-- a new level of self-hatred achieved. These things don't start to happen when you're only thirty years old.

One by one, I tried on each article of clothing. The top that I somewhat liked looked crooked across my body, and not because it was styled that way--it was simply cheaply made.

I wondered if whomever designed it, or sewed it, thought about the plus sized woman who might wear it one day. Was it an attempt to make a woman feel beautiful, or just another low-quality style that could be over-priced since plus size women have very few options when shopping for clothes?

And why do we even need mirrors? Couldn't we just imagine how we look based upon how we feel? At least then we wouldn't have to face the truth.

The times that I feel best about myself are the times when I don't think about my body or worry about my food choices. I'm able to live in the moment, enjoy a good conversation, savor a delicious bite of food-- to just be, with no judgement or rules.

The moment I look in the mirror and see the shape that is growing ever rounder, plumper, and fuller-- I begin to feel desperate, helpless, and afraid. Worst of all, I feel so much shame and self-hatred that I question whether I even deserve to have a body for my soul to dwell within.

I can't shake the image of my lumpy thighs. I find that I'm wearing a larger size than ever before. My mood grows darker. When I leave the fitting room, I can't even look people in the eye because I am so ashamed and confident that they are judging me by my size.

And the only thing that I have on my mind is how I will get some chocolate.

Logically, it doesn't make any sense-- but somehow, my emotions have taken over every part of my being. And it has been this way for a long time. My emotions take over and the only way I know how to deal with them is by food-- and that's not even effective in the long run.

Will there ever be a way out-- some chance of escape? Likely not.

I'm here in the only body that I will ever have-- fat, defeated, and fearful. I know that my body is trying to save me by causing these urges to eat. It's a way to cope. In times of restriction (dieting), my body has a primal urge to save myself because it thinks I'm starving. If I were starving, this would be a good thing, but I'm not-- far from it.

All that I want is freedom, but I feel imprisoned in my body and in my thoughts. I know that it's ridiculous and that I have so much to be grateful for. My body is just trying to save me even though I am destroying myself.

I understand that I am not a victim, but I don't understand how to truly take control. Maybe I try to have too much mental control over things that my body should be able to tell me naturally-- when I'm truly hungry, what I need to eat, etc.

For now, the next time I'm in front of a full-length mirror, I'll remember not to look at my thighs.

6 Proven Things Every Beginner Needs When Training for a 5K #RaceDayRelief #ad

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #RaceDayRelief #CollectiveBias

I have completed more 5Ks than I can count. My fitness level varied at each race-- sometimes I set personal records & ran the entire race, and other times I was happy to have walked over the finish line in last place.

If you're a beginner, coming in last is probably one of your biggest race day fears. This may sound cliche, but even if you come in huffing and puffing into last place (been there) you're still lapping the person sitting on the couch (I have also been there). You will have a sense of self-pride simply for having completed the race.

I quickly learned that there are essentials when it comes to being a newbie runner. These are the top 6 things that are my personal must-haves.

{Proper Gear}

Having a good pair of running shoes is a must. I have used Saucony, Asics, New Balance, and Adidas-- my favorites have always been the Asics. It's worth spending a little extra money for a pair of shoes that will prevent pain in your feet, legs, and hips. 

You'll be a lot more comfortable if you have workout clothes that are made of wicking material. If you're plus-sized like me, it can be difficult to find good workout clothes so if you find some that you like--buy a few! 

Investing in socks that won't slip down into your shoes will help prevent blisters. If you're a woman, wear a supportive sports bra. I always wear sunglasses when running outside. You can buy sunglasses that don't steam up, but I've never bought them.  Wearing a non-slip headband helps keep your hair out of your face.

{Find a Training Program; Make it Yours}

You can find 5K training programs by doing a Google search for "5K training programs for beginners". My personal favorite is the Couch to 5K training program. Each training session lasts approximately 20-30 minutes. You have a choice between completing the workout for time or distance. As a beginner, if I completed the workout for distance it would often take me longer than 30 minutes--and that's ok.

There is no one-size-fits-all training program out there. You have to find a program and make it your own. As a beginner, I struggled to complete even running 60-90 seconds at a time. So I gave myself grace and I stayed on a certain week of the training program for as long as it took me until I felt comfortable or ready to move on to the next week. I would complete the same week over and over again, sometimes for months. 

{A Good Sports Drink}

Hydration is important when you're exerting yourself while running. I drank water at first, but then decided to try a low calorie sports drink and I was amazed at the difference that I felt. I had more energy and increased my endurance. I personally use a drink that's only 35 calories, is sweetened with stevia, and doesn't contain anything artificial. 

{Fast Acting Advil Film-Coated}

There's no doubt about it, training for a 5K can be painful. You're putting a lot of pressure on your joints and pushing your body to do more than it's used to-- you will more than likely be a little (or a lot) sore.

While training for any kind of race, whether it's a 5K or a stock car race-- comfort is key when it comes to the big Race Day. Participants spend a lot of time preparing for Race Day and not having to be distracted by discomfort is a plus for any rookie, even Ty Dillon knows how important it is to be comfortable for the big race after placing in the top 6 at his first race at a new venue.

While it's good to have a rest day or two prior to the official race day to make sure you're comfortable, one could also take Advil Film-Coated for fast acting relief from the aches and pains associated with running. Use fast acting Advil Film-Coated for headaches, muscles aches, toothaches, menstrual cramps, back pain, and aches and pains associated with the common cold. Because of the rapid release formula, it begins working within minutes and you'll be ready for Race Day without the aches to slow you down.

I found Advil Film-Coated at Walmart in an 80 count package which also contained 20 free tablets for a total of 100. It was near the pharmacy section in the Pain & Fever aisle.

Click here for a $3 off coupon for the 80 count+ Advil Film-Coated.

{Yoga}

Your muscles will need a good stretching after enduring a run. Yoga is a good practice for your cross training days. It feels absolutely amazing and is a great way to take care of yourself. It's good for the mind and body. You can find free yoga workouts on YouTube.

{Self-Love}

Most of all, be kind to yourself and show yourself love. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be the fastest. You don't have to run the entire 5K-- it's ok to walk if you need to. Focus on the positives rather than anything you feel you're not doing well enough. Practice makes practice because nobody is perfect. Do your best and that's all that matters. The only one you need to compete with is yourself.

How do you make yourself comfortable for race day? Do you use Advil Film-Coated?

Cute Clothing Finds in Rue21 Plus Sizes

I am happy to report that I’ve been doing well this week so far! I am starting to feel motivated again. I also love the way that I feel when I’m doing well.

I went shopping a little bit today and seeing so many cute spring clothes was motivation enough to stay on track! I bought 2 tops and a dress. They are styles that I always love when I see them but can never find in plus sizes! Score!

Have you shopped the plus size section at Rue21? This isn’t a store that I usually shop at, but when I saw a sign for plus sized clothes I decided to take a look. I’m glad that I did! While their clothes aren’t really the best quality, they’re cute and cheap.

This is the dress I bought:

Cute, huh? I think it’d be good for family pictures this spring. We’ll see.

Here is one of the shirts I bought:

You can shop online, but I did notice that the fit was kind of hit or miss for all of the things I tried on. Some things seemed huge on me and others seemed tight—same size.

Anyways, kind of a random post today! Not much else to share right now!

How are things going for you?

Up to 70% off Torrid Clearance - My Favorites!

Torrid is having a great sale through January 12th with clearance up to 70% off of the original prices. There's also buy one get one 50% off of regular prices. There is free shipping with a $50 purchase today only.

Here are some of my current favorites from the clearance section.

Floral French Terry Raglan Sweatshirt $18.99

Multi-Function Faux Fur Trim Anorak Jacket $86.78

Torrid Active Skirted Leggings $23.24

Torrid Active Leopard Tank Top $16.98

Heart Coffee V-Neck Tee $18.89

Leopard Face Boyfriend Watch $17.98

Ruffle Chiffon Dress $27.79