This morning, I stepped on the scale and gained a ton more weight. And I thought yesterday was better than Saturday!!!
I was SHOCKED to see the number. It was higher than it has been in MONTHS. I had to step on a couple of times to make sure it was right. I was expecting a loss.
I weighed 215.8. That’s a HUGE gain. And all of the sudden! I was maintaining somewhere between 207-210.
I’m not even going to pretend like I don’t know why I’ve gained, although I don’t think that my eating was THAT bad. I’d have to eat A LOT more calories to actually make up that kind of a weight gain. So I am wondering if it’s PMS or something. I guess we will find out.
But needless to say, this was a real wake up call.
I am gaining back my weight.
My biggest fear.
I laid my head down on my arms and just thought for a bit.
How can this happen? And so easily?
And then Hubby told me that he could tell I had gained.
Now that’s a slap in the face and another major wake up call.
And then I just hated myself.
I hate that I can’t seem to get it together. I hate that I am ALWAYS going to have to watch every single bite that goes into my mouth because I wasn’t born with the ability to eat like a normal person.
So I started thinking about how connected my weight is with how I feel about myself. I like myself when I can control my eating and lose weight. I hate myself when I am out of control and gain weight.
I dislike the person that I am. I start to doubt EVERYTHING. I start to doubt that I deserve anything good since I can’t seem to control what I eat. I am ugly. I am fat. No one likes me. I can’t do anything right. I am a failure. Why am I even here?
Seriously. I start to think like that.
And I KNOW that it’s wrong. Deep down, I know that I am worth it. But I still think like that. Old habits, maybe?
But I am trying again today. Tracking my food. Trying to do a better job.
But also feeling completely lost as to why I cannot get it together. One day at a time… I know…
I will update you all later on with how I did today. Just wanted to say how I’m feeling.
