Isn’t it amazing how even at 26 years old, I can still encounter a rude jerk who makes me feel like I’m that awkward 14 year old fat girl getting made fun of in gym class again?
Tonight, hubby and I went to a graduation party for one of his relatives. A bunch of us younger people played volleyball for a while. I’m not very good at volleyball. And before I started this journey, I would just sit out and wish I could play with everyone else, too ashamed of my body to even try to play.
And I’ve changed, right? I’m fairly athletic now. So I thought I’d give it a whirl tonight.
About the only thing I’m good at in volleyball is serving the ball. Otherwise, I’m just not agile enough to lunge my body into the air and spike the ball to score the winning point. So I’m slightly awkward and slightly no good at volleyball, to tell you the truth.
But most of the people playing weren’t exactly stellar either. So I just decided to have fun and give my best. There was this one guy who I discovered was a total jerk. The first comment he made suggested that I go to the back row and let one of the “strong guys” play in the front. I brushed that one off.
But one comment he made was enough to send me back into my old self. And I don’t know if I’m more upset with him for saying such a rude thing or at myself for not having the strength to hold my head high and call him out on it. I think I’m more upset at myself for not having the “balls” (excuse my term) to just stand up to him and say, “what gives?”.
I missed one hit. Hubby thought I was going to get it and I thought he was going to get it. Hubby jokingly said…”honey…” in a disappointed voice. And I just laughed. Until I heard the Jerk Face say, “Yeh really, what are you doing up there? You could have at least spiked it or something instead of standing there just hanging out like you’ve been doing all game.” Not joking in the least bit, he was totally serious. I pretended like I didn’t hear him. Thankfully, that was the end of the game. And I left them all and told hubby I was ready to leave.
And after we left, I burst into tears. I felt like my old self again. The one that I have tried so hard to leave behind. I tried to put myself out there and participate in something slightly athletic and left feeling like a total loser. The guy obviously judged me from the moment I showed up to play. Middle school all over again.
I guess it just amazes me that after all of these years, some *** can show up and say some rude comment and bring me right back to that place. I hate that. But it’s my past. It’s my history. I have to accept that there will be times that I am going to be put right back into my old shoes again.
And nobody knows what I have been through. Sometimes I don’t think I understand the impact that those things had on me as a kid, but I’m starting to realize that those things were the source of so many of my self esteem and food issues that I have today. And understanding that helps me deal with issues like this a little bit better.
The lesson I took out of this is to treat everyone with kindness. I don’t know where they’ve been or what experiences they’ve been through. Unkind words serve absolutely no purpose. We don’t see the whole picture. We will never be able to. So we have to choose our words wisely because we don’t know how we might affect another.
Oh, and this song pretty much sums up how I feel. Sorry for the rambling, but I just had to get this off my chest. I had my feelings hurt big time tonight, something that hasn’t happened in years.
