I am struggling. I keep thinking that if I just keep going, the weight will come off. The truth is, I have only lost about 11 lbs. since January. Last year at this time, I had lost 25 lbs. The year before that, 26 lbs. I am REALLY far behind this year. I feel like I must be doing something incredibly wrong. I know that the more weight you lose, the harder it is to lose more. But is this actually, in truth, my fault, not the fact that I have already lost 85 lbs.? And I tend to think it is my fault—I tend to be hard on myself, so I am trying to to believe that it’s 50% my choices and 50% that it’s just going to be harder to lose weight this far along in the journey.
I’ve lost 85 lbs. But how? The same strategies to lose the first 85 lbs. are not working to lose the last 60, or at least not at the same rate. And that’s probably the way it works.
But if I am going to be 100% honest, I know that I have not been following the plan 100%. I know I haven’t reached a plateau because I know I have not been giving it 100%. It seems that every week, something comes up where I end up eating more than I had planned. It’s a holiday, it’s my birthday, I had to eat someone else’s cooking and be polite, or cupcakes are just SO good and everyone should enjoy a cupcake once in a while, I’m super busy and don’t have time to exercise, I’m exhausted, I’m sick, I need to relax, or I’m starving. Are these valid reasons for my inability to get this weight off/exercise or are they just excuses that I’m making while avoiding the truth? I think that what I need to do is be more strict with myself. I’m going to have to accept that it’s ok to be hungry once a while—after all, I am trying to lose weight. I don’t like to be hungry and when I do get hungry, I tend to eat more than I should. Instead of just eating, maybe I should drink more water. Maybe I should practice more self control and not allow myself to eat if it’s not necessary. Life events are going to happen. Sometimes I’m going to eat more than I had planned on. That doesn’t mean I should keep going down that road because I “screwed up,” but I should get right back on track. This is a lifestyle change and I have to learn how to handle eating at social events and holidays. It’s just the way it is. And I am going to have to put forth more effort. Period. How bad do I want this?
It comes down to self control. And I am lacking it. My self control muscle has gotten too weak. Just because I want something, doesn’t mean I have to have it. More than likely, there will be opportunities to eat the tempting food at another date. My favorite foods are not going to disappear from the face of the earth anytime soon, so I shouldn’t act like they’re going to!
And exercise is a whole other issue. I am genuinely busy right now. I find myself doing homework, going to class, or working about 95% of my time. I wake up at 5 AM as it is, and I know I used to wake up at 4:30 AM to get a workout in but I really need my sleep. Or do I? Would 1/2 hour be all that bad? Usually, it turns out to be not quite enough time for me to get a good workout in by the time I get my workout clothes on and hop on the treadmill or pop in a workout dvd—so I’d probably have to get up at 4:15—which is just way too early. And then there are the evenings. Tuesdays and Thursdays are school days and I have been pretty good about getting out for a walk or something on those evenings because my days are a little less tiring. But MWF, I work 7-5:30. I am starving by the time I am done working and so is hubby, so I make supper and before we know it, it’s 7:00 and I’m exhausted. This would be a good time to workout, but I often cannot find the motivation to work out after my long and draining work day. I go to bed at 9:30, so that gives me 2 1/2 hours of free time—often spent doing homework but many times just vegging out watching a show and spending time with hubby. And usually, I just want to crash. And that’s really only true for Mondays because on Wednesdays we go to church and get home at about 9:00, giving me half an hour before bed time, and on Fridays, we usually run errands and get groceries—and living 30 minutes from the nearest big town makes the time slip away faster than you’d think. So I’m busy. But am I making up excuses? I feel like I’m making up excuses. Feeling sorry for myself. In truth, I could use the free 30 minutes I have on most mornings to workout instead of checking my email. I could probably fit in a short workout on most evenings. The problem is, I can never motivate myself to go running when I have super busy days. And I feel like running is the key to success. Weekends are usually a little more free—so I should take advantage of them and become more active. If I aim to workout 5 days a week, I have 2 days on the weekend to easily fit in a workout. That gives me 3 days within the week to workout. Something I need to think about.
Sorry for rambling here, but this is how I get my thoughts out there. After writing this post this morning and letting it settle in, I came to the following conclusion:
I am busy, but life is always going to be busy and I have to stop making excuses and do what I can, when I can. I have to practice more self control. I have to be patient with myself and understand that I am not going to change overnight, but if I make small changes everyday, they will lead to lasting changes. My emotions and feelings are valid, but they are not excuses. I am a strong woman. I am a determined woman and I must become more motivated again. I need to remember the important reasons that I want to lose weight—and it’s more than just being able to fit into cute clothes (although this is a HUGE benefit). Hubby and I want to start a family someday and we don’t want to do so until I hit my goal weight and am healthy. We are getting closer and closer to the time when it would make sense in our lives to start a family and I am still 60 lbs. from my goal weight. Now if that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is!! So to wrap it up, I need to exercise more and practice more self control—and remember my big reason to lose weight because that will keep me motivated. I want to me a Mama someday and I want to see Hubby be the fabulous Daddy that I know he will be!
Now if I can just do this…
