A Journey to Thin: June 2015

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Chocolate Covered Emotions

“Life is like a box of chocolates,

you never know what you’re gonna get.”

-Forrest Gump

I have been trying to create the right mindset for this journey because I think it is essential for lasting results. This takes a lot of emotional work and I feel like I am ready to do this—simply because I hit absolutely rock bottom and I want nothing more than to climb out of the pit and to soar far above it.

I firmly believe that those of us who are severely overweight are so because of underlying emotional issues and not because we just love food so much that we can’t stop eating. Food is our drug. It helps us escape. We eat to try to fulfill a need that is not being met and, for me, I believe that it’s because of the way that I think—my mindset.

I live in a constant state of guilt, shame, anxiety, and self-criticism. I take everything quite personally and I feel very much. I don’t know that this is necessarily a bad trait because I think that analytical thinking and introspection are good things—they make me who I am. But I need to learn to harness that way of thinking so that it doesn’t lead to self-destruction.

My therapist taught me a skill that I have found very useful in making peace with things that have happened in my past that my mind wants to frequently remind me of and make me feel hurt and ashamed. This same skill can be used for current situations and the more I practice it, the better I will become at it.

For example, I had a teacher in middle school who basically bullied me. As a 13 year old, I didn’t understand that what he did was absolutely unacceptable but instead I took on shame and embarrassment. I am going to save the specifics of this for another post, but I will share how I have learned to start to heal from this experience.

How did it make me feel? I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and it made me hate myself.
What is the logic? I was just a child and so I thought like a child. This was not my fault. Apparently, this teacher had issues of his own which he took out on me.
What is the lesson? We all have luggage and we carry around our pain. However, taking it out on other people is wrong. It’s even more wrong to be in a leadership role as an adult and to belittle those under our leadership or power—especially a child. It’s never ok to belittle another to try to fit in with the “cool kids”. Always respect the feelings of another.

When I analyze my thoughts and my mindset, I can change the way that I think about the situation and this brings me peace. I am carrying around memories of a 13 year old girl, but if I can think about those memories as the 29 year old woman that I am—I can bring wisdom to these memories and instead of guilt, I have more wisdom about life. Instead of shame, I can be thankful for the fact that I survived the experience and proud because I learned from it and even though it was painful, it has played a small part of who I am today.

My goal is to apply these three questions to whatever experience is causing me to want to eat. The overall logic of every situation that pushes me to emotional eating is that eating is not going to fix the emotional problem but it will probably make me feel worse. Essentially, I have to process what I am feeling instead of stuffing it inside and trying to cover it with chocolate.

No more chocolate covered emotions. Instead, I will refine the emotion until I can make a pure nugget of wisdom, the fruit of life.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Weekend, Motherhood, C25K, Aspirations, and Gratitude

I had a much needed restful weekend. After Friday night, I actually didn’t leave the house once—I didn’t even go outside. And for me, that’s what I need to center myself again and recover. When I feel like that, I just don’t want anyone to see me—which I think is a pretty common feeling of those who suffer from depression.

We enjoyed supper out at a Mexican restaurant on Friday—it was delicious. My strategy at Mexican restaurants has always been to avoid the rice and beans. I’d much rather use points on the flavorful food. Most restaurants will bring you a salad instead if you request it. I also always make sure to get my meal grilled or “soft” instead of fried. This saves points and calories.

On Saturday, I straightened up the house that routinely falls apart when I fall apart. I cannot stand clutter. I am on a mission to get rid of things—I’d like to make a few extra bucks doing so but that takes time. So I guess I’ll go slow, but it needs to be done.

In the afternoon, hubby actually told me to have some time to myself and to finish up a movie that we started that he didn’t like. That was wonderful, plus he spent time with baby girl and she loves her daddy. I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel, which wasn’t all that spectacular but it was somewhat interesting to watch. I just enjoyed some much needed alone time.

I am finding that sometimes I just need to be alone with nobody telling me they need something, no complaining and whining, and no one touching me. I know that probably sounds horrible, but even just 15 minutes or an hour and I feel so much better and I’m re-energized and ready to go again. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family so so much and I love being with them and they are a blessing to me, which I am so thankful for. But do any other moms just not want to be needed sometimes? I’m beginning to see that just a little alone time is really important as a mom. Please tell me someone understands this! It makes me feel guilty to “say” it.

Sunday was just a low key day spending time as a family. Last night, baby girl actually laid her head down on my chest and let me sing to her and rock her. Usually she just can’t sit still anymore! That was precious and I savored that moment.

I think that avoiding stress was just what I needed. I am feeling better today and more energized again. I woke up early but felt lazy and just wanted to lay in bed. After breakfast, baby girl was pretty whiney so I decided I’d go for my Day 2 C25K run outside to keep her entertained. I knew I had to get it done this morning because it’s supposed to rain this afternoon (again). I had already made my coffee and everything—but I left it for later and went outside to get it done. (I’m enjoying that re-heated coffee now!)

This was my first jog outside pushing baby girl in the stroller. I liked pushing the stroller—it made me feel like I could hide behind it. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be—but my course was pretty flat.

The pushing of the stroller part was not that hard on my arms, I should say. After completing the workout, I still felt like I was going to die! It was so hot and I was sweating before I even left. There isn’t a lot of shade and the sun was so hot. But, it does make the workout go faster when you’re outside, except that I ended my workout on the other side of town and had to walk home almost another mile. But it’s all about activity.

I was interested to see how my stats compared with my treadmill workout. My average calorie burn per minute was the same. Since I was pushing the stroller, I couldn’t wear my Fitbit on my wrist to track my heart rate so I don’t know how that compares. My workout was also significantly longer since I had to walk so far home. The good news is that I earned 5,217 steps, burned 487 calories and completed 2.33 miles. I’m proud of that.

I was super duper red after my workout!! Told you that I was hot!

I signed up for our annual 4th of July 5K. My dad told me he would walk with me. I just want to walk this year—no pressure. I don’t want to be exhausted for the entire day from wearing myself out. Something is better than nothing! I think hubby is going to try to run it—we’ll see.

I feel like I have an awful lot of quit in me—but I am proving that I still have a little motivation in there too. I am proud of my progress so far and I think it’s important for me to build my self confidence and self image.

I have a whole bunch of thoughts to share with you on self image but I’m going to save it for another day because this post is getting pretty long!

Oh, another thing—I am officially going to work on writing my first book. Thank you for those of you who gave me the kindest compliments on my writing—it was just the push that I needed to take the plunge. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I have to start somewhere! It will be a collection of memoirs/personal essays on postpartum depression. I have shared quite a few of them here on the blog and I will edit those to polish them and also write many more.

I’m almost done here—but I just wanted to say how thankful I am for where I am in my life right now. I am overwhelmed most of the time, but this too shall pass as I overcome the PPD and work on bettering myself physically and emotionally. I am incredibly lucky to be able to go after my dream and I am thankful to my husband for providing so that I can do that. I have always wanted to write, but it seemed with working full time, going to school, taking care of the house, etc. etc. that I just never found the time to really put my mind to it. I have the opportunity to make time for writing now and I’m really excited about that. I feel like I’ve finally found my niche and my voice. I could also share a million thoughts about self image and identity on this one too, but I’ll save that for another post.

Have a great week!

Shhh… Private Gymboree Sale (awesome deals!)

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you click on a link and make a purchase, I will receive a small commission that helps keep A Journey to Thin running. Thanks!

I’m excited to share a private affiliate only Gymboree sale with you today. This is a 48-Hour Flash Sale! Shop Gymboree's best deals, plus receive an additional 10% off for total savings of up to 80% off!

This is a hidden sale, so you won’t find these deals by going directly to the Gymboree site, you’ll want to use the link below:

Gymboree's Hidden 48-Hour Flash Sale: Get the best deals plus an additional 10% off with code EXTRA10

Valid: Monday, June 29th - Tuesday, June 30th
Code: EXTRA10

Have fun shopping!

(P.S. I will be back later with my regularly scheduled post.)

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Sale Saturday: Great Deal on Sam’s Club Memberships

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you click on a link and make a purchase, I will receive a small commission to help keep A Journey to Thin running.

I’m a fan of Sam’s Club and hubby and I get a membership each year. We have our favorites that we purchase there when we go. Not to mention, sometimes they have samples.

They have an awesome produce section with fresh strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, kiwi, plums, big bags of lettuce & spinach, etc. etc. The list goes on and on.

We also like to purchase cases of Greek yogurt because it’s cheaper than most grocery stores. Hubby loves the big bags of pistachios. They also sell Sara Lee light bread at cheaper prices than most stores. I’ve also bought delicious frozen salmon burgers which are to die for. We also buy our water softener salt there.

zulily.com is offering a great deal on Sam’s Club memberships right now. Seriously, if you aren’t a member and would like to be a member, this deal is too good to pass up! Memberships that are normally $141-$145 are on sale for $45 through Monday June 29th.

There are two options, as shown below. You also receive a gift card with each option, which makes the memberships $20-$25 in the end. BUT, they each include extras also—like free cupcakes and pizza with the party offer. For more information, visit zulily.com.

Sam's Club® Best Membership With Party Food

If you’re not a zulily.com member, it’s really easy to sign up and it’s free. They have great sales!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Weigh in Day & Honoring my Commitment

I started this week off tracking everything I ate and sometime Saturday I quit tracking. Monday morning I started tracking again and come Tuesday I wasn’t tracking at all. However, this doesn’t mean I was eating everything in sight. I would say that I ate “intuitively” for the most part. Not all good and not all bad.

I definitely need to track my food—and I definitely want to do that this next week. I want to get back to how well I was doing at the beginning of this and I know I can do that—no holidays this week! But the 4th of July is coming up so this will be the perfect week to practice being on track before the holiday throws me a curve ball.

Alright, so for the results. I lost 1.6 lbs. this week!! That puts me at my lowest weight yet and a total of 11.3 lbs. lost in 12 weeks. Being just under 1 lb. per week- I can handle that. That’s progress.

Stats for the week:

Weekly Points Used: --
Activity Points Earned: 11
Activity Points Used: --
Total steps: 37,286
Weight Loss this Week: –1.6
Total Weight Loss to Date: –11.3 lbs.

And now for more good news. I said I was going to start the Couch to 5K this week and I finally did it. I got my workout clothes together last night so they were ready to go. I woke up early, fought a million battles in my head and finally got downstairs to get it done…well, after I removed all of the clutter in front of the treadmill.

Honestly, I think I was making it harder than it is in my mind. I remember when I used to do this that I couldn’t run for the 60 seconds without stopping. I slowly worked my way up to running miles at a time. I’m happy to say that I can still “jog” for 60 seconds without stopping.

Since this was my first jog back, I took it a little slower and jogged at a 4.5 mph pace. Towards the end I had to back it off to 4 mph…which I know would be walking for some of you, but I do not have long legs and I am kind of a slow walker—so this is still a slow jog for me.

Anyways, I completed the workout and felt like I wanted to die at the end. See?

But it’s done and I think that finishing strong will spark a fire in me. I forgot how good it feels to blast my music and just focus on moving my body and putting one step in front of the other.

I listened to my old playlist back from when I started and from when I was doing really well with my weight loss. I heard Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter” and that was always a song that inspired me. These are excerpts from the song that have always inspired me in this journey.

After all that you put me through,
You think I'd despise you,
But in the end I wanna thank you,
'Cause you've made me that much stronger
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
But in the end you'll see
YOU-WON'T-STOP-ME
I am a fighter and I
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

I turned on my HR on my Fitbit and it shows that I was in the fat burning zone for basically the entire workout. I spent like a second in cardio—so I guess I didn’t get my cardio in. haha…but I’m counting it as cardio.

So there ya have it! How was your weigh in?

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Vulnerability & Blogging: Thank You

I’ve been reading a few blogs where the writer has talked about vulnerability and how they had to make the choice as to whether or not they were brave enough for it. My favorite bloggers are the ones who are honest and real about their lives. It’s evident in their writing because there are no fake undertones and they write about the good, the bad, and the ugly that is normal life for all of us. They make themselves vulnerable—and I am sincerely grateful for that.

Thanks to social media, we present our best selves, filtered pictures, and life’s perfect little moments. We all know that we also have plenty of moments that are messy, chaotic, and dysfunctional—but most people don’t share those moments because there isn’t always the need to “hang it all out on the line”. But many of us who blog do so for a specific purpose—writing for connection. I know I’ve breathed a sigh of relief when I read about someone else’s life that is just as crazy and overwhelming as mine feels to me.

For the most part, I have found that making myself vulnerable through my writing and on this blog has been rewarding for me. It is incredibly rewarding to hear comments along the lines of “me too” in response to a heartfelt blog post. It makes me feel less alone in the experience and in the struggle.

This connection is what fuels the fire—the ability to help others feel understood, to put into words what others may be feeling but cannot describe, to offer hope, and most importantly to reach the heart of others to find the common themes of our existence. At least that’s what fuels my fire.

Vulnerability is a choice and it opens us up to potential hurt. It’s a risk we take and if you’re a blogger like me, every time we hit that publish button we wonder if anyone will connect with the words we poured our hearts into. If the readers will be able to get insight into our “pain” or “experience” even though they have never experienced it. Sometimes we get comments and other times we’re left in our insecurity thinking that no one understood what we were trying to convey.

We all have our pains, heartbreaks and struggles. Just because one person’s pain is not another’s does not lessen that of either one. All pain is valid. It’s my experience and my truth. It’s your experience and your truth. We should use this for connection instead of criticism.

While we may not fully understand the pain of another, we can learn empathy for another’s pain by stepping into their world through each word, sentence, paragraph and post that they share. And that’s how we find connection.

If the world lacked those who would make themselves vulnerable, can you imagine how disconnected we would all be? Being vulnerable takes courage, but that doesn’t mean that those of us who bare our souls to the world are bullet-proof.

I’m not really sure if I’m getting my thoughts across, but I guess what I’m saying is that we need to be respectful of each other. We have the opportunity to see into the souls of others through blogging and that’s a privilege that we have been given due to the courage of the writer.

Thank you to those who have lifted me up through your words (whether blogger or reader), those of you who have shown me that I am not alone in my struggles, and those of you, who even though you don’t understand, have simply said “I hear you”. Thank you for being vulnerable and respecting mine.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Someday She Won’t Need Me Anymore #PostPartumDepression #PPDChat

My eyes popped open the moment I heard the frightened and desperate cry. Although groggy, I climbed out of the comfort of the warm bed and quickly made my way down the hall in my bare feet.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” I said with concern as she stood up with tears rushing down her cheeks and reached her little arms up towards me.

I gently picked her up and held her close and immediately, like magic, her crying stopped and she started to settle back to sleep in my arms, clutching her pink owl blanket and softly sucking her pacifier in quick intervals.

I sat rocking her in the big tan comfy chair, that I had spent countless hours in over the past year, and felt a surge of emotion. Joy and sadness both. I cherished the precious moment but grieved for all of the moments that had been stolen from me.

For the first year of her life, I fought a vicious battle inside of my head. I fell to the depths of postpartum depression and had finally climbed my way out of the darkness and emerged a changed woman—a woman who knows what it feels like to be broken, desperate, and afraid.

It wasn’t long before when the same desperate cry would have made me feel overwhelmed, angry, resentful and helpless. And the guilt of all of these feelings was the heaviest of all—it forced me farther and farther down into the depths of darkness.

The delicate pink and gray room, that had been so carefully planned and excitedly prepared before her birth, was lit by the gentle light of the moon. Her initials were carefully placed above her crib, a tree decal was planted on a gray wall with its pink leaves blowing as if in the middle of a gentle breeze. The art work I had chosen almost foretelling what I would desperately need to know, “Don’t worry about a thing, because every little thing is gonna be alright”. Finally, I could hear the peace in this room, which was no longer being drowned out by the clanging dissonant loudness of my thoughts, anxieties, and fears.

I held her for a long time, well after she was asleep again. I felt her soft and smooth skin, listened to her baby breath, inhaled her baby fragrance, and showered her in soft kisses—careful not to awake her.

So often I had held her while tears of sadness rushed from my eyes. This time, joy was overflowing instead. For the first time, I felt what it was like to feel bonded with my beautiful baby girl and I didn’t want to miss a thing, having already missed so much.

I slowly stood up from the rocker and carried her back to her crib, placing her gently inside what had become her own little nest. She quickly settled in and was fast asleep. I tip-toed out of the room, careful to avoid all of the places on the old wooden floor that creaked and quietly closed the door behind me.

Down the hall, my husband was fast asleep having not even noticed I was gone. I climbed into bed and I continued to silently cry, knowing that someday she, this precious little girl who needed me so much right now, was no longer going to need me anymore. She would grow up and become independent, no longer needing her mother’s comfort or wanting to hear the lullabies that escaped my lips and brought her peace.

What was taken from me by postpartum depression in that first year cannot be returned and the grief of that is heavy. We are not promised tomorrow, but we have today. And I am clutching to these little moments each day that move like soft whispers of love to an eager ear—heard only briefly in tenderness —and then they’re gone.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Book Review: What You Can When You Can: Healthy Living on Your Terms #wycwyc

cover

What You Can When You Can should be the healthy living bible; its concepts should be thoughtfully approached and applied to daily living for best results.

Many of us in the weight loss world tend to overthink matters when it comes to formulating a plan for our weight loss. How many times have you thought:

If I just eliminate (insert food group here), the weight will come right off. I will never eat (insert food group here) ever again!

I will buy (insert product here) and I will lose the weight in (insert number) days. After that, I will be able to eat however I want to again.

If I exercise for (insert insanely unrealistic number) hours per day, the weight will melt off. I will do this for the rest of my life and never miss a workout.

We are in a constant search for the secret to weight loss. There has to be a plan, a pill, a cleanse, a workout, something that will help us lose the weight. We cling to the most complicated of methods thinking this is the time that it will stick. Until it doesn’t and we’re left defeated having lost a great sum of money but not much weight—we may have even gained weight.

That’s the way the current weight loss and healthy living world work. So many of us are caught up in a cycle of starting an unrealistic weight loss plan with good intentions, giving up, and starting again on Monday. What You Can When You Can teaches that it doesn’t have to be that way, and it’s actually very uncomplicated.

The most influential message that I received from this book is towards the very beginning, in chapter 2:

“Perfect is never coming. You will never be perfect. Your life will never be perfect…So what’s the point of wasting time, energy, money, sweat, and tears on something that will never happen—on an unachievable ideal?”

It’s hard to accept, but it’s the truth. And so, since we can’t be perfect, we can do what we can when we can and that is always enough. This means that the journey does not stop and end at various curves and hills in the road, but we keep on going whether we are creeping along at the pace of a turtle or we are running as fast as a cheetah. And guess what? We will probably find ourselves moving at both paces along this journey.

What You Can When You Can offers common sense tips on how to live a healthy life--from matters of the mind, food, exercise, home, and relationships, this book offers sound advice on each topic.

The concept is simply about doing what you can when you can. Instead of driving to the library, walk there. Park farther away from the store, maybe even blocks away so you can walk. If you can only fit in 10 minutes of activity at a time, do that instead of just giving up and doing nothing at all. Choose the apple instead of the chips. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Doing what you can when you can also means that you can enjoy life, enjoy an occasional treat, choose to skip a workout to spend time with your family, etc. It means approaching healthy living in a realistic and maintainable way.

I actually wycwyc’d reading this book. I read a little bit each week until I had finally completed it. Three of us met each week at the A Journey to Thin Book Club on Google Hangouts and chatted about the book and how it applied to our goals and lives. We all three really enjoyed this book.

I highly recommend this book. It’s also special because it’s written by two healthy living bloggers, Carla Birnberg and Roni Noone.

You can find the book on Amazon (affiliate link):

What You Can When You Can: Healthy Living on Your Terms

Monday, June 22, 2015

Recovering (again) #PostPartumDepression #PPDChat

It is a gloomy and stormy Monday here in Iowa. I woke up to rain and wind, but it wasn’t severe here like it was in other places. Hopefully that continues through the rest of the day now!

I was planning on starting my 6 a.m. Couch to 5K workout this morning, but I am drained again and decided sleep would be best. I still aim to get this started this week though!

I just don’t get it—I get plenty of sleep but I keep waking up exhausted. My home sleep test results came back and while there were only two apneic episodes in the night, my oxygen never dropped into levels which are considered sleep apnea.

The doctor said that it wasn’t truly diagnostic and told me to have a sleep test done at a sleep lab. I told her I’d get back to her about that. After how I keep feeling, I’m wondering if it might be best to have that done, as much as I don’t want to. My Fitbit continues to show 30-40+ times restless at night. Although, for the first time, it only showed 10x restless last night and I got 8 hours of sleep. It’s odd that I feel especially exhausted this morning.

I had to give myself some TLC this past weekend after hitting rock bottom on Friday morning. I took 2 hour naps Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and stayed at home for the most part while avoiding stress. I was starting to feel better yesterday, but now I’m not feeling 100% again today—but not in the “dark cloud” kind of way, just very exhausted.

So I mentioned that I was going strawberry picking on Friday. Well, that didn’t happen. I was feeling so completely overwhelmed and depressed by the time we had to leave. I still wanted to try to go and get calmed down on the way. I got about half way there and pulled into a parking lot and let them know I wasn’t coming—I just couldn’t stop crying.

And I hate that. I really wanted to go—well, the REAL me really wanted to go. I know it was the best decision though. I just don’t like to fall apart in front of people.

It also didn’t help that I ended up running late—and I used to be a very punctual person. With a child, I just can’t seem to be punctual! I had to wake baby girl up to leave because she was still sleeping at 9 a.m. (which hardly ever happens), so I had breakfast for her that she could eat in the car, which she has done quite a few times now with no problem. Well, this time she decided to squeeze her fruit packet everywhere. She was completely covered. And I just completely fell apart—I had been on the brink of it since the incredibly stressful doctor’s appointment. It was all too much.

While driving there, I remembered a tip given in an online PPD support group—know your signs. I saw all of my signs—feeling overwhelmed, being irritable and angry, that horrible weighted down feeling that causes lack of energy, and constant negative thoughts about myself and life in general (the dark cloud feeling). I wanted to ignore them, to will them away—but that’s now how it works.

So I did what I had to do in the early days of recovery—rested. I allowed the house to be a mess and tried not to look at it. I didn’t do any laundry. The oven is broken, so that facilitated less cooking. Hubby canceled with the company that was supposed to come for the weekend and did a great job taking care of baby girl and being a rock for me. I cried when I needed to cry—feeling the emotions instead of pushing them inside, as my counselor told me to do. I talked to hubby about how I felt and the thoughts that I was having. I prayed. I listened to music.

I’m so afraid that this is how my life will be forever and that I won’t truly be myself again. They say the path to PPD recovery is a zig-zag line even though we want it to be a straight line. But I guess I’m still headed in the right direction—even simply for just being here and not giving up the fight.

I’m so glad that I have a counseling appointment today—it has been too long. I have a lot of things to talk about and talk through. Change begins with me, but it will be a learning process—one that I am 100% willing for now. I think it takes being broken to realize that you need help and you need change.

you don't know why you're exhausted? you're fighting a war inside your head every single day. if that's not exhausting i don't know what is...