Digging Deep

Monday? Already!?

I had to go into the office today, and normally I don’t take photos of my food on those days, but I decided I’d take them today. So please excuse the poor quality photos taken on my phone today!

For breakfast, I ate a slice of Ezekiel toast with almond butter and a sliced banana. I also had skim milk.

I thought my cat, Daisy, looked cute—just hanging out this morning!

While working, I drank my usual coffee with creamer, but I forgot to take a picture.

I tried to dress a little nicer today. It definitely makes you feel better about yourself when you feel like you look nice. Lately, it seems like I just go for comfort. Whatever clothes don’t feel tight on me.

But I liked my outfit today. Minus the slipper.

I want to get this weight off so that I feel good about myself again. My self-confidence is very low right now.

On my break, I ate a Yoplait Greek yogurt. I buy these for hubby, and it was just convenient for me today.

I also ate a homemade Larabar.

For lunch, I had a ham and gouda sandwich, carrot sticks, and red pepper hummus.

I also ate clementines.

In the afternoon, I ate a WW string cheese.

And I picked up a non-fat latte, but didn’t get a photo of that.

After work, I had a few errands to run, so I picked up supper and brought it home. Pita Pit and baked BBQ Lay’s.

Yummmm! I ate a Fiber One brownie with Cool Whip…and actually ate 2.

I guess if that was the worst of my eating today, I shouldn’t beat myself up over it too much.

I didn’t do so well over the weekend again. I let stress get the best of me. Hubby told me that he sees it all happen. He tries his best to help me. Sometimes it works and sometimes I just get angry.

Yesterday when he tried to help me, I just cried instead. And crying was exactly what I needed. Not that gooey brownie that I thought I needed.

I just feel like I’m falling apart. Maybe it’s because I put too high of expectations on myself. Hubby and I had a talk last night and he said some things that made me feel better, but I also feel like he helped me get to a really big issue that’s been bothering me.

I am so embarrassed for having gained about 30 lbs. back. I am absolutely ashamed. I feel like I have failed so many people. I feel like I am failing hubby by not living up to what (I THINK) he wants me to be. After hearing that, he told me exactly what I needed to hear. Reassuring words.

I feel like by failing myself, I have failed everyone around me.

I feel like this is just another example of how I have felt all of my life—like I’m never quite good enough. Like I never quite have what it takes.

Hubby told me that I don’t have to be perfect. I can’t explain the release that I felt when he said that. I don’t have to be perfect. I can’t quite grasp it. I have tried to be for so long. Never quite achieving it. It’s so hard on me, really.

He thinks that the reason I am so miserable is because I am not doing the things that I used to do, specifically exercise. He reminded me of how I used to be. I’d exercise 5 days per week. I was always doing workout videos. I felt good about myself because I was taking care of myself. It gave me self confidence. I know he’s right.

I need to find my inner strength again. I need to feel good about myself. I want my clothes to fit again. I want to be happy again.

Hubby told me to wake up every morning and say to myself, “I can do this”.

First, I need to learn how to forgive myself for taking backward steps. Second, I need to come to terms with the fact that I don’t have to be perfect all of the time, or in everything. It’s ok to just let loose a bit, to love myself, imperfections and all. I can stop beating myself up over every little thing.

How do you learn to accept yourself? To love yourself? To show yourself grace?