A New Beginning

It's New Years Day, so of course you're going to hear from me again! I'm another one of those New Years Resolutioners, but you have to start somewhere or you'll never start. So here I am.

The most significant thing that I did for weight loss was join a medically supervised weight loss program. It was very low carb, no drugs or anything like that, but I found that I could not stick to it. I ended up quitting and they gave me a portion of my money back.

I'm ok with the fact that I quit. I tried something new, found it wasn't for me, and I made a decision to stop and try something else. Granted, I did not try something else after I quit in November-- but it was the holidays and I enjoyed living without obsessing about food. So I'm ok with that too.

As far as weight loss goes, I have learned that I cannot do any diet with restriction-- restriction of a certain food group, too much restriction, or generally trying to force my mind into believing that something is off limits. It's probably a mind thing, but it is the way I am and always have been. Whenever I start restricting, it leads to a massive binge period at some point-- and that's not healthy.

The last year has been a good one for me. Miraculously, I developed either a growth in self-love or maybe a failure-to-care anymore attitude. Either way, I am in a better place mentally.

I no longer look in the mirror and hate myself-- I do avoid mirrors most of the time though, just sayin'. But I don't feel the overwhelming feeling of self-hatred anymore.

Mostly, I am in awe that despite what I have put my body through it continues to be strong, give me life, and my bloodwork is perfect. With my blood work alone, you'd never know I was morbidly obese. And I am so thankful to my body for that. It's incredible.

But it's time to start taking better care of myself, not because I hate myself and want to change, but because I respect what my body is capable of and I love myself enough to want to change. I want to change because I deserve more. I want to change because I don't binge on certain foods because I want to, but because I'm using them as a bandaid. I'm tired of being broken, and I want to rehabilitate.

After some thought, I did join WW online again. I feel like it will give me the guardrails that I need with enough wiggle room to avoid restriction and deprivation. It's a different program from the last time that I did it so I am excited about it.

My Journey: Where I'm at

I don't want to become obsessive about weight loss, dieting, and eating healthy because of where it has taken me in the past, but I do want to blog about it from time to time. I am learning that I have to be very careful of my thoughts and to keep my focus on the positive.

I'm at a higher weight than I've ever been and higher than I ever thought I'd be. I don't know exactly where I am because I don't weigh myself very much anymore. The scale tends to make me feel depressed or discouraged-- so I stay away.

Shopping for clothes that make me feel good is a way I can practice self-love. I've started to shop almost exclusively at Torrid because their clothes fit perfectly. There are a lot of brands out there that advertise themselves to be made for plus size women, but Torrid is the only place I've found where the clothes are actually made for plus size women. I'm working on loving myself even though I don't like where I'm at-- inside, I'm still me.

My focus is going to be on making healthier choices. Today hasn't been the best day, but I have made at least one good choice today. Yesterday, I chose to eat a delicious salad for lunch! I want to get back to eating salads for lunch again. I really enjoy them when they are flavorful.

Mostly, I just want to feel better again. I want to feel like I have my life together. There's something about exercise that does that to you. It's probably just the simple act of following through with something.

It would also help if I started getting up early in the morning and trying to get a workout in before Little Miss Sunshine wakes up and before my day begins-- just getting it out of the way as soon as possible!

However, I am struggling to sleep lately. I can't seem to turn my mind off to settle down and go to sleep. It has been a long time since I've felt that way. Thankfully, I've learned to read a book on my Kindle instead of tossing and turning and letting my thoughts get out of control.

This cruise coming up in about 5 months will be a great incentive to get started. Plus, the weather is starting to warm up so I can be outside more. The first thing on my list will be to create an ideal "schedule" for the day. I need to get more organized and intentional!