I wasn’t sure what to post tonight so I decided to just write for therapeutic reasons, so bear with me as I randomly write about what I’m feeling.
I have just felt stressed the last few days. I am worrying but can’t seem to take the initiative to get my paper written or start studying for my final. Don’t get me wrong, I have done everything BUT work on school stuff. I have cleaned the house (again and again), done laundry, cleaned the fridge, baked, and exercised. I’ve tried to do school work, and have gotten a little bit accomplished- but I haven’t FINISHED it and that stresses me out. This week is finals week, so it’s almost over and hopefully I’ll feel better come Thursday afternoon when it’s officially over for the semester.
I don’t know if it’s due to the stress or due to the fact that we’ve had blizzard conditions all weekend and haven’t left the house since Friday night, but I am feeling stir crazy and restless. I have wanted to eat and eat and eat. I am a bottomless pit, so it seems. I have been controlling myself remarkably well. I do have to give myself credit for that. But even with that being said, I have eaten through almost all of my activity points for the week. I am in control though. I know at this point in this journey there is no turning back for me. I will never be able to mindlessly eat chocolate, chips, cookies and whatever my emotions desire, because I know better now. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no playing innocent anymore. I can’t ignore what I’ve already confronted. This is a good thing. Hopefully it will keep me on track for the rest of my life. But sometimes I wish I could just sit down with a plate of Chocolate Chip cookies and a big glass of milk and have at it. I’m embarrassed even writing that. Old behavior trying to resurface. You see? I recognize that now. There’s no going back.
I am feeling upset with the new WW plan, I want to be positive about the new program and give it a chance but it has me worried. My weight has been fluctuating like crazy. This morning I was 4 lbs. up from my lowest weight- it’s not weigh in day and it doesn’t count but it has me worried. I try to eat more fruits and veggies and that leaves me hungry at the end of the day. I try to eat like I used to (successfully none the less!) and I run out of points too quickly. Maybe it’s because I’m out of the fruits and veggies that I love. I’m not sure what it is. But I’m going to give this new plan through January and see what I think. I need to give it my best effort though. But it’s so hard to adapt to a new plan when I knew how to estimate points in my head before. I had points values memorized for my favorite foods. I knew I had to get in my 5 fruits/veggies for the day before I could indulge in other snacks. WW should know what works. I’m going to trust them, but it’s really hard for me to get used to.
Not to be all Debbie Downer here, on a more positive note, I did workout 5 times this week- which is always my goal. I ran 4.5 miles. I walked 1.5 miles. I biked 7.2 miles. I should be proud of that.
But I still want to think that it’s not good enough. Nothing is ever good enough for me. I cannot pat myself on the back for my accomplishments, I always have to look at what I could have improved on or done differently. I get a 99% on a paper and I wonder what 1% I did wrong and I focus on that more than the 99% I did right. I have always been too hard on myself. It stresses me out. It’s not good for me. Maybe the first step is acknowledging it. What’s the second step? How do you change who you are at the core? How do you change behaviors that you have fostered your entire life?
Maybe I should ask myself that same question. I have the answers. I’ve done it before. Maybe it’s time to reconstruct other areas of my life- not just the area related to weight loss.
It’s really just peace we’re all looking for, right? Being happy with who you are. The very essence of your being. Learning to accept yourself and love yourself. You are worth it. Work for it. Achieve it. Be it. Live it. Radiate it.
