Update on life and #PostpartumDepression

Hello everyone! I hope that you are all doing well and enjoying warmer weather like we are here in Iowa. Could it be that spring is here to stay? I have a feeling we’ll have another big snow storm or two before it’s all said and done.

When I saw the weather for the week, I knew I wanted to get outside and enjoy it. My goal was to go for a walk every day and that sounds reasonable—but it is harder for me to get out of the house sometimes than you might think. It sounds so simple and I will have the best of intentions and then I will start to feel so overwhelmed and that turns into exhaustion and I can’t do anything but rest.

Plus, many times I don’t want to be seen—I want to hide away in the safety of my home. That sounds pretty sad, doesn’t it? I do so much better when I have someone with me—I sure hope that this postpartum depression is the only reason I feel so incapable and it’s not because I actually AM incapable. Sigh.

It’s not that I don’t try. On Monday I went grocery shopping by myself with baby girl. It’s so much easier when I don’t have to bundle baby up. I got a cross body bag so I can easily go into the store without lugging a big huge baby bag. It went really well—but come that evening, I was so drained and emotionally exhausted. It’s like my body reacts to things I am doing unconsciously or something. It’s the strangest thing to think you feel ok and then your body shows signs that you’re really not.

But I have gone for two walks this week, one with hubby and one with my mom, while pushing baby girl in the stroller. She loves going for walks. My mom even bought her some stylish little sunglasses! She did leave them on for the longest time.

Hubby and I have the most adorable baby girl in the whole wide world. Seriously. Can she get any cuter? I just can’t get over it sometimes—she’s so cute! I’m sure all parents feel this way. hehe

At the beginning of my first counseling appointment, the counselor asked me to tell her about the most recent time I’ve felt my best. At that point, I told her it was when my mom was with me at home and we were able to talk and she helped with the baby. It’s good for me to laugh and have someone constantly available for me to express my feelings, worries, anxieties, etc.. I have been so thankful for her help the last few weeks and look forward to her coming again next week. When she leaves I start to wonder how in the world I will be able to do this on my own again? I can do it because I had been doing it for 10 months, but I end up feeling drained, etc. and my biggest fear right now is that somehow I am not capable of this. Please, please, please tell me that it will get better.

My most recent “best day” was last Saturday. Hubby and I spent the entire day at home relaxing and playing with baby. He has really stepped up his game (which was already good) and helps so much with the baby. I laid on the floor in the sunshine for the longest time while baby played around me. We took a two hour nap while baby napped. That day, I felt really good and I thought for sure that I was better—but come Sunday, I wasn’t. But Saturday was a really good day for me and I tend to feel my best when I have a lot of rest—but that’s just not possible every day of the week and it shouldn’t be a requirement! I’m trying to be patient but I wish everything would hurry up and get back to normal.

So that’s just a little update on me and how I’m feeling. I’m trying to stay hopeful! I have my second counseling appointment and a doctor’s appointment this week.