Separating #PostPartumDepression from Myself

Yesterday, I talked about the thoughts that go along with postpartum depression that leave me feeling like I am constantly being judged by anyone and everyone—which is irrational, but very real to me.

Depression is such a challenge because it is hard to differentiate thoughts as “your own” versus thoughts that are a result of depression—it’s hard to explain and maybe you can’t understand that until you’ve been through it.

And so, I have mentioned in the past that getting a diagnosis of postpartum depression was a relief to me because I finally realized that I hadn’t just become this horrible person, but there was a reason for the way I was acting, the way I am feeling, and the thoughts that I have. It is still a struggle to accept that it is postpartum depression affecting me physically and emotionally and not some weakness on my own part—it’s a really strange experience to have all of this going on inside your own mind and body and yet be able to differentiate what’s normal and what’s not.

The counselor advised me to view postpartum depression as separate from myself. I could even envision postpartum depression as a shape or an object if I wanted to, like a dark cloud. At this point, I don’t feel the need to let the postpartum depression take a shape, but it does help me to view postpartum depression as being separate from myself.

Granted, this is not a process that happens with the flip of a switch and it will take time for me to be able to identify the thoughts caused by postpartum depression, swap them around to be more logical vs. completely emotional, and not feel guilty for them-- because they are caused by the postpartum depression and not the “real me”.

I was also told to ask myself, “am I going to let postpartum depression rule me or is the “normal” me going to rule again?” It all leads back to the need to build myself up again—to be the strong person that I was before postpartum depression started attacking me and destroying me without my knowledge of it.

But it’s extremely helpful to be able to envision postpartum depression as being separate from myself and helps me to understand that it’s not MY fault that I am this way, it’s postpartum depression’s fault and I’m going to kick its butt! One day at a time, of course—postpartum depression is a pretty powerful enemy, but I am confident that I’m more powerful than it is. It’ll just take a big fight on my part.