Rock Bottom

Today, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. The added weight of poor health decisions on my shoulders as I crash into the depths of obesity is crushing and horrifying. It’s a horrible feeling, but it’s also the kind of place one needs to reach before real change can happen.

I recently blogged about realizing that I have started to maintain, finally, after continued weight gain—and I continue in that maintenance. But in the process of getting to the point of maintaining again, I put on some weight. Not everything, but I did gain a good chunk, about 30 lbs., back.

I feel the extra weight in each step I take and even every time I choose to remain sedentary instead of going for a walk. Shopping isn’t very much fun any more- I’m on the brink to having to shop in the plus sizes—but still able to shop in the misses. I’m on the edge in so many ways.

But all of that is not really what make me feel like I’ve hit rock bottom.

I’ve had a horrible headache all day long. Nothing cures it. After years of no terrible headaches, I’ve begun to get them again. I’ve had two migraines since the beginning of the year. Today’s headache isn’t quite a migraine, but it’s painful. And I can’t help but think that maybe occasional poor eating choices and lifestyle choices are causing them. If anything is going to make me change, it is the sick feeling of obesity. The aches, the pains, the fatigue. I HATE that. I hate how I am ruining my life! OBESITY is NOT ruining my life—I AM.

My biggest problem is my inability to deal with stress in a healthy way. I have a hard time leaving my worries at work at the end of the day. Somehow, I think that I need to be perfect at everything. I constantly worry that I haven’t done the right thing, said the wrong thing, should have said something, shouldn’t have said something, or that I’m not meeting everyone’s expectations. I worry that I’m not making everyone happy. It is so stressful trying to please everyone. And yet I try.

My husband constantly tell me that I have a right to say and think whatever I want to. My opinion is no less important than the next guy’s. I don’t need to worry so much about just being myself. It really is ok. Why do I struggle with that so much?

I eat when I am stressed out. Plain and simple- I don’t know if I overeat for any other reason lately, to tell you the truth. It’s always stress. And I don’t mean just the kind of stress you have when you have a big test. I’m talking about the overwhelming feeling of having to be amongst a large group of people, of having been (or having perceived to have been) looked at sideways, or to having to go outside of my comfort zone (there are a hundred different ways this can happen). I stress and I stress and I stress. This probably causes headaches, I know it causes the incredible tension in my neck and shoulders, and it often causes other symptoms.

I know I’ve told you all of this a million times. And I’m saying it again. But this time, I’m about to embark on the next leg of my journey. I am ready again.

I am going to make some plans by this weekend and get started. Concrete plans. 

I don’t want you to think I’m horribly depressed—because I’m not at all actually. I mostly feel overwhelmed. I feel very normal in my weight struggles—I know I’m not the only one who has these issues. But I hope to be able to share with you one day that I have overcome them. Because I know it’s possible. I thought I had overcome these demons once—but I hadn’t.

I feel like I’m beginning a new chapter in my life in many, many ways. Maybe a post on that at a later date. But I just wanted to let you all know that I am about to set sail once again.

This journey is tough and it has no end. So while I feel hopeless now, I like to think that it’s just a stepping stone. There are lessons learned the hard way. But I am not giving up.