A Day on Track

Yesterday was a fantastic day for staying on track! I actually had 4.5 points left over. Which, I know, shouldn't be done regularly and I need to use up all of my points everyday. But still, that's amazing for me!

I actually got hungry at work around 1:15 again. I found out that we have cappuccino's in our machine for 60 cents. So I got one of those and it was delicious, for 2 points. Then I got some animal crackers out of the machine that are low in calories, for 2 points. So I felt like that was a much better choice than 2 huge cookies! I felt more satisfied too, so I may have to start making that my snack. It seems like a warm drink takes away the urge to eat.

How do you deal with hunger?

Weigh In Day

I weighed in at 249.8 this morning, exactly what I weighed last week. I'll take that, given the circumstances. At least I didn't gain.

I'm feeling back in my zone with WW. I know exactly what to expect.

Goals for the week:

1. Track EVERYTHING
2. Stay away from the sweets at work
3. Plan meals this weekend

If I stick to my points I KNOW that I will lose next week!

It's Not the Diet

Over the past few days I've come to the realization that it's not the diet that's wrong- It's ME! I did really well counting my calories on livestrong.com until the weekend, then I went over a few calories, which on weight watchers would be ok as long as I'm within my weekly points, but I didn't know how this factored in to livestrong.com and it just screwed me all up.

Marcelle got me thinking when she commented on my post that people who switch around to different diets don't lose much weight. So I've come to the conclusion that since WW's has obviously worked for me, I've lost 40 lbs, when I'm dedicated to it. There isn't a diet in the world that is going to work if I'm not dedicated to it.

So I decided instead of continuing to spiral out of control, it's back to WW TODAY! I know I said I would be doing livestrong.com through today, but I feel like I need a little extra help than I'm getting from that website. Besides, I'm all equipped for the WW plan with all of my point books and cookbooks. :)

Hiding Behind My Weight

Last week, I asked myself the question, “Do you hide behind your weight?” And as much as I wanted to answer no, I knew deep down that the answer was yes.

I’ve always tried to be the type of person who does everything that I want to do. Not being the most athletic person in the world, I played softball in high school and I didn’t quit even when the coach made me sit on the bench for almost every game. I did surprise him when I hit a double header one time when he let me play, even though it was against the worst team. Despite how he treated me, I was there at practice, giving it my all.

My softball coach literally made fun of me in front of everyone. Before handing out uniforms he gave a speech about how the first year he coached the team the girls on the team were HUGE, and then proceeded to say he would hand out the uniforms with the largest first. He called out my name first and said something like, “hope it fits.” He was always rude to me, especially about my weight, which is funny because he was severely overweight himself. I didn’t try out for the team the next year. That is just an example of an experience that made me start to hide behind my weight.

I’ve been shy for as long as I can remember. When I think about it, I realize that I’m shy because I’m embarrassed of myself. I’ve been told so many times that I’m fat, and not good enough that I think it’s going to be true in every aspect of my life. I’ve dealt with so many people who are discriminatory to me because of my weight that I’ve come to believe that I’m not quite good enough.

As I make this journey, I am going to undo the damage that has been done, especially in middle and high school. The terrible things that people said to me have produced scars. As I lose the weight I am going to gain confidence, but I realize it is deeper than that. I am going to be the same person inside that I have always been, but I may be percepted a little bit different by those around me. I am no longer going to be content with sitting on the sidelines and watching the game- this time around I’m going to be in it- and not worry about who is judging me for it!

Weigh in Day and My Plan

I lost 1.6 lbs this week. Not too bad, but I'm ready to start losing and reach my 50 lb goal! As you can see from my sidebar, I have set my goal to allow myself $50 to spend on myself for some new clothes. I'm always buying new clothes, but at least I won't have to feel guilty about it this time! :)

Thank you for all of your great suggestions and comments. I have decided to try a different free website for a week, for the rest of the month and then I am going to make my decision about WW online. This week I am following Lori's suggestion and am tracking my food on livestrong.com. This is a little different for me because I am tracking calories and not points, but it has been fun today! I am motivated and haven't used all of my calories yet, so that's a good sign! I will come up with a list of what I love and what I don't like about the site and post them next week before I go on to try the next site. Anything that gets me motivated is worth it to me right now, in the end I may stick with weight watchers, but at least this is giving me a kick start.

I had a little bit of a break through last night while watching last week's episode of The Biggest Loser. I might take a whole post to talk about that, but let's just say that it helped motivate me today also. Good things to think about. I think Jillian is on to something when she breaks the contestants down and makes them confront what has gotten them where they are today. Any of us who are obese have our own story to tell. Are we hiding behind our weight? There are certainly some psychological issues involved with my weight. More on that next time!

Time for a Change?

I really need something to get me seriously motivated again. Whatever I do, I cannot seem to get into that mindset that I AM going to do this! I seem to have slip ups everyday and my weight is not going down, if anything it's going slightly upwards.

I've been thinking for a while how I am wasting a lot of money on weight watchers online. I pay $16 a month and I haven't been tracking like I should, nor am I utilizing the website like I did when I first joined. Hubby and I are trying to manage our money better and I could probably eliminate the $16 a month. What I like about WW.com is that I can track my progress from the very beginning with nice charts. I am sure that WW.com has been instrumental in these first 40 lbs. I've lost, but I'm not sure if it's what I need to continue.

Or is it just me? Do I need to force myself to track those points online. Sometimes I wonder if just going back to the old-fashioned tracking in a journal would help me out. I guess I'm afraid of canceling my membership. I feel like I'd be canceling my goal to lose weight, which I don't want to do!

With the two days of exercising that I got in, I started to feel sicker. Yesterday I took as a rest day, and now today I am feeling a little bit better. Not sure what to do about that either? Keep waiting it out, or is it completely unrelated? I have been sick for 6 weeks now I'm really tired of it.

I think If I was up to running again that would really help. I feel so hopeless and helpless. Tears are actually coming to my eyes as I write this. I need help and I just can't seem to help myself right now. I wish I had someone who could cook my meals, tell me exactly what I could eat and there would be no options. That's just it, I have choices, like every other human being, and I'm not making the right ones.

Just today, I had done very well. I came home, had some smart pop popcorn, which is fine. Then I indulged in 3 truffles, a mini Hershey's bar, and 12 whoppers. I understand that I need to get that stuff out of the house but I don't feel right throwing things away. I'm too attached to that kind of food, and maybe that's another thing to think about.

This weekend I am going to take the time to plan out my days and all 3 meals. I need to be more organized. Thanks for the idea of making a list of all of the foods that I shouldn't touch and the good foods. I think I will try to work on that too.

Overall, I'm a bit of a mess and I don't want to undo all of my hard work. Food should not be that important to me, why do I struggle so much?

I know you're probably tired of hearing me talk about this because I've been posting about getting back on track for a long time now. Bear with me as I fight this battle...I'm trying to be honest as I post on here...I hope you'll stay with me. Your encouragement means the world to me.

Sunday Morning Update

I hope everyone had a great Halloween!

We had a family reunion on my husband's side yesterday afternoon. It was interesting and fun. He has such a huge family! They had it at an auction house so they auctioned off silly items to raise money for the next reunion. We did score a healthy Mexican cookbook for $3, so that will be fun to try out! Eating wise, it's hard to eat at things like that. Lots of pot luck type food. I just had a little bit of different things and feel that overall, I could have done better, but I only had one plate of food and such tiny servings, I'm sure I was ok.

We came home and then sat out in the porch for trick or treaters. Yes, I indulged in a few pieces of candy... But the good thing is that all of the bad stuff is gone! There's only a few whoppers left and they're 1/2 point each. We had lots of little kids who tried to grab the whole basket. lol But the worst was when I handed the candy to the kids and then the dad came up with his bag...SERIOUSLY? He said he had a little one at home...right. lol. But it was fun anyways!

I made a healthy chili for supper last night, lots of fiber with the beans. That was delicious! Today is another new day and I think it will be easier for me to eat right. We're going to visit my Grandma in the hospital, she had open heart surgery and is having a hard time recovering. We're hoping for the best!!