Being a New Mother

Motherhood has been everything and nothing like I thought it would be. I have a new respect for all of the women I know who are excellent mothers. This is especially true for my own mother—this woman bore and raised four children—all of whom grew up to be respectable people (except for myself when I am stressed out ). And through the eyes of her child, she made it look easy—but now that I’m a mother myself, I see that being a mother isn’t as easy as she made it look and it probably wasn’t as easy for her as I thought it was.

I want to be as good a mother as my own was/is to me.

I want baby Sienna to grow up knowing that she always has me standing behind/beside her to support her, encourage her and to love her. I want to make her feel like she is loved without any reservation and that she will always know that home is a refuge.

Let me tell you, I am a ball of nerves sometimes. Being a new mom is tough. Being a new mom who had never changed a diaper and had always been uncomfortable around babies is probably even tougher. But you learn and maternal instincts kick in that you never would have thought existed. In some ways, being a mother is natural and in many other ways it’s a learning experience.

I am trying so hard and often feel like I don’t have a clue about what I’m doing. I suppose confidence is learned too. If only I could change her diapers faster so that she wouldn’t have to scream every time I do it. If only I knew exactly what each and every cry meant so that I could meet her needs more quickly.

If only I didn’t have to feel the pressure of the stares of certain people judging me as I try to decipher her cries. I am probably my own worst critic, but some people know how to be encouraging and understanding and there are others I’d rather not be around until I get this whole act together…and maybe I never will. Maybe that’s just the life of a mother.

There was the first time I had to take her out of her car seat at our bible study and bumped her head on the handle. One woman gasped. It didn’t even phase baby Sienna but this Mama had a big case of Mommy Guilt. I bawled my eyes out on the way home.

There are so many things that many other new moms probably do better than me. I guess I really don’t know—but that’s how I feel as my own worst critic. But then I hold Sienna in her calm moments and she gazes into my eyes and I know that I must be doing something right. When she reaches her little arm up onto my chest when I feed her, when she opens her little mouth like a baby bird trusting that she will receive food, when her cries are quieted when I pick her up, when only mommy can calm her down, and when she lifts her head up just so she can look at my face, I know I must be doing something right.

Being a new mom isn’t easy, but there are those times when you are rewarded with precious looks, unforgettable moments, and lovable cuddles and it makes it all worth it.

And I am learning that all I can do is give my best and all that I have for this precious miracle we have been blessed with--and it will be enough. One day, when I am toting around four children, I will look back at my struggles as a new mother and laugh—I am sure of it.

Birth Story

Some have asked about the birth story… so here it is!

On April 30th, life went on as usual. It was my day to go into the office to work and everything went as normal. On my way home, I called my sister and told her I was feeling pretty good and was sure that I would go past my due date, which was May 6th.

Hubby and I stayed home from our bible study that night just because I would get so uncomfortable in the evenings and the thought of sitting in the car and then during the study for so long wasn’t very appealing. Thankfully we stayed home because I started getting contractions at 7 p.m.!

This being our first child, I wasn’t really sure what contractions felt like. I hadn’t had Braxton Hicks during pregnancy—just some cramping here and there. So I wasn’t really sure if I was in labor or not—but was pretty confident after the contractions started getting closer together and a lot more painful.

These continued throughout the evening and into the early morning hours on May 1st. My sister had a baby a few weeks before me and so, thankfully, she was up breastfeeding frequently and checked in via text. I was waiting for the contractions to last for 1 minute every 5 minutes, by the book! I didn’t want to show up at the hospital only to be told to go home—and we had about a half hour drive to get to the hospital anyways.

The contractions were irregular—sometimes 8 minutes apart, sometimes 10, and sometimes 4 or 5 minutes apart. I had read that real contractions would be at very regular intervals, so I doubted I was in true labor. But they were getting SO intense. I tried to manage them on my own—eventually throwing up from the pain. And then I found my lifesaver, if I stood up and squeezed hubby’s hands with all of my strength during the contractions, they were much easier to bear. Afterwards, hubby remarked about how he didn’t know I was so strong! lol

At about 3 a.m. my sister said, “You need to go to the hospital NOW!”…so we went. I don’t think we would have had she not said to go. By the time we go there, contractions were about 2 minutes apart.

The nurse brought us to triage where she told me that I was dilated to 7. I was hooked up to the blood pressure machine and they immediately got very concerned. My BP was higher than I have ever seen it—like190’s/100’s. The nurse started talking to me about pre-eclampsia—the greatest concern since even prior to pregnancy for me. Of course, this stressed me out even more and my BP just kept getting higher.  They took blood and ran the tests. All during pregnancy my BP was better than ever—so this was a shock! I thought I was going to die and my mind was going a mile a minute.

They got me into my labor, delivery and recovery room and in that short time, I had dilated to 9 and was 100% effaced. They contacted the doctor. I chose to have an epidural and that did the trick. My blood pressure dropped down to normal again and the blood work turned out that everything was fine. Whew! It must have been the pain causing my blood pressure to spike, so I am thankful for that epidural.

The nurse thought that I would have the baby by 10 a.m. but 10 a.m. came and the baby wasn’t dropping. The doctor didn’t want to give me medications to speed things up, so instead he had me labor down. I sat upright and let my body do the work naturally. He said the contractions would naturally bring the baby down without me having to push for a long period of time. I felt good!

They had me start pushing about noon. Remember, hubby and I didn’t get any sleep the night before and couldn’t fall asleep with all of the excitement going on. So I was tired at this point—but energized at the same time. I pushed for two hours and all of the sudden just broke into tears. I don’t know what caused it exactly, probably exhaustion. I apologized for being such a baby, at which the nurses and the doctor told me not to apologize and that I was doing great.

My Doctor told me that I should rest for an hour and then we would try again. At this point, I seriously think the epidural quit working on one side—I could feel so much pain on that side. I was pretty miserable. I also kept feeling like I had to pee really bad but there wasn’t anything in my bladder! That was the worst. So I laid there for an hour not doing much resting, but mentally preparing myself. I was thinking, I don’t want to die, but this is pretty horrible!! And finally I started positive self talk and after that hour had passed, I was absolutely determined to bring this child into the world ASAP!

I ended up pushing for another hour until finally a beautiful little girl with a full head of dark hair was born. And I sat there and cried while they placed her on my stomach. She was perfect.

Total time in labor was 20 hours. I pushed for 3 hours. I suppose things went relatively smoothly since both baby and I came out perfectly fine.

I know most people say that once the baby is born that all of the pain immediately fades away. It didn’t! I told hubby that next time we are adopting!! lol But now, 20 days later, I can say that it was worth it. Maybe we will bring another beautiful child into this world… but not for a while!!

It is simply amazing what our bodies are capable of doing.