This morning, I stepped on the scale and gained a ton more weight. And I thought yesterday was better than Saturday!!!
I was SHOCKED to see the number. It was higher than it has been in MONTHS. I had to step on a couple of times to make sure it was right. I was expecting a loss.
I weighed 215.8. That’s a HUGE gain. And all of the sudden! I was maintaining somewhere between 207-210.
I’m not even going to pretend like I don’t know why I’ve gained, although I don’t think that my eating was THAT bad. I’d have to eat A LOT more calories to actually make up that kind of a weight gain. So I am wondering if it’s PMS or something. I guess we will find out.
But needless to say, this was a real wake up call.
I am gaining back my weight.
My biggest fear.
I laid my head down on my arms and just thought for a bit.
How can this happen? And so easily?
And then Hubby told me that he could tell I had gained.
Now that’s a slap in the face and another major wake up call.
And then I just hated myself.
I hate that I can’t seem to get it together. I hate that I am ALWAYS going to have to watch every single bite that goes into my mouth because I wasn’t born with the ability to eat like a normal person.
So I started thinking about how connected my weight is with how I feel about myself. I like myself when I can control my eating and lose weight. I hate myself when I am out of control and gain weight.
I dislike the person that I am. I start to doubt EVERYTHING. I start to doubt that I deserve anything good since I can’t seem to control what I eat. I am ugly. I am fat. No one likes me. I can’t do anything right. I am a failure. Why am I even here?
Seriously. I start to think like that.
And I KNOW that it’s wrong. Deep down, I know that I am worth it. But I still think like that. Old habits, maybe?
But I am trying again today. Tracking my food. Trying to do a better job.
But also feeling completely lost as to why I cannot get it together. One day at a time… I know…
I will update you all later on with how I did today. Just wanted to say how I’m feeling.
I definitely agree with you on the watching what you eat! I am sick of being the type of person that has to monitor what they eat and be careful not to over eat or eat junk.
ReplyDeleteI have had to same feelings you are having. It is hard - you just need to get yourself back on track and when you start losing again you will feel better.
Good Luck! Your blog makes me feel like I am not the only one and it is inspiring to know you are continuing to try. :)
I could of written that post. I have the same feelings as you. I gained weight back and I couldn't seem to get it under control and I hated myself for it. So, I'm taking it one day at a time right now. I know I can lose this weight and I also know I need to figure out what holds me back. Take care and if you ever need a buddy to talk about this stuff, you can send me an e-mail.
ReplyDeleteYour words have power - even the ones unspoken. You have to learn to separate your struggle with weight loss with your self worth and who you are. Who you are is not defined by the scale - for better or worse. Who you are as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, what you accomplished with your life, who you helped in life those are the things that define who you are. When it's all said and done, I guarantee you no one will say, "she lost a bunch of weight." I know it matters and it's important (believe me, I KNOW) but don't let it define you.
ReplyDeleteSending a big supportive hug your way Alissa!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou faced the music and you can reverse it. I share your frustration too. I've had a tough few weeks and realizing it is never going to be effortless.
ReplyDeleteThe bottom line is that we are WORTH this effort! Make us the priority! You can do this.
Have a wonderful week!
Thin girls also have to watch what they eat and control...that's why they thin....have u ever watched a thin person eats then watch an over weight person....huge difference - I learned so much by watching a thin persons natural habits when eating....
ReplyDeleteNever give up...this is a lifestyle.
I think you have come so far-you can't give up now!
ReplyDeleteEach day is a new day! :)
Shannon
http://www.irunreadteach.wordpress.com
Never think badly about yourself. Your weight does not define you. Your weight will not be posted on your tombstone. Yes, you should try to be as healthy as you can, but that doesn't mean you aren't worthy just as you are this very minute.
ReplyDelete"hugs"
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome no matter what you do!
Normal people do watch what they eat. I am skinny and I watch every bite! I am so tired of people telling me how "lucky" I am to be "naturally skinny" . There is no such thing! Normal people dont binge, or if they do they compensate by eating less or detoxing after. Anyways I congratulate your weight loss! It is a hard road but you can do it. Don't get upset by minor setbacks.
ReplyDeleteNormal people do watch what they eat. I am skinny and I watch every bite! I am so tired of people telling me how "lucky" I am to be "naturally skinny" . There is no such thing! Normal people dont binge, or if they do they compensate by eating less or detoxing after. Anyways I congratulate your weight loss! It is a hard road but you can do it. Don't get upset by minor setbacks.
ReplyDeleteNormal people do watch what they eat. I am skinny and I watch every bite! I am so tired of people telling me how "lucky" I am to be "naturally skinny" . There is no such thing! Normal people dont binge, or if they do they compensate by eating less or detoxing after. Anyways I congratulate your weight loss! It is a hard road but you can do it. Don't get upset by minor setbacks.
ReplyDelete