What I'm Doing Now

Just checking in!

I've been following a diet plan from a friend of a friend for a little over a month now. This woman plans all of my meals for the week (you eat the same things each day for a week), tells me what to do for exercise (which I haven't yet), and is there for support. This system she uses is called If It Fits Your Macros or IIFYM. Heard of it?

So the first few weeks went really well. I lost about 15 pounds rather quickly! And then PMS hit and threw me off track-- not insanely off track, but enough for me to lose my mojo. I've been struggling to get it back. I'm not giving up though. I just need to be more dedicated and remember WHY I am doing this.

I have a few goals ahead. First, I'll be attending conference again this year and the seats are TINY. Last year, I weighed a good 50 lbs. less and it was uncomfortable. I hate to know what it'd feel like at my current weight.

I also earned a couple of free trips with Thirty-One that I'll be taking this fall and I want to feel good in my skin. We'll be going to the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas in September and then on a cruise to the Bahamas in November. I'm really, really looking forward to both. I need a vacation SO BADLY.

I miss the feeling of accomplishment that I used to have back when I had lost all of that weight and was running. I felt good about myself and about life. Lately, I've just been feeling glum-- feeling badly about myself physically, stressed out dealing with a high-energy toddler, and playing the comparison game with other mothers.

But I know enough to try to focus on positive thoughts and not the negative ones. I just miss who I used to  be.

Happy Mother's Day

Motherhood: Time is Passing

It's the end of April already and I feel like we just celebrated the New Year. Where has the time gone? Can it just slow down a little bit?

I am in awe of how fast Little Miss Sunshine has grown. When you're pregnant, everyone always tells you to enjoy it because it goes so fast. You hear it so much that eventually you're doing epic mental eye rolls.

But really, it goes fast.

It's not all sunshine, rainbows, Starbucks, and trips to Target while toting around your adorable little one who immediately falls asleep when you begin shopping--to tell you the truth it's pretty much never like that--but it certainly goes fast and you will find yourself yearning for the time to slow down. Except for when you're up in the middle of night cleaning up puke...in your hair.

Little Miss Sunshine has grown from an itty bitty baby who was losing weight during her first few weeks of life...

...to an almost two year old as tall as your typical four year old. She has grown like a weed.

Being a parent is hard. You stress and worry about things you'd never imagine you would worry about.

When I was pregnant, I worried that I wouldn't naturally be a mother since I'd never really been comfortable around babies. I will tell you, without a doubt, that motherly instincts simply kick in. Maybe you don't know how to be a perfect mother (if one ever existed), but you will pour your entire heart and soul into motherhood and that's all that matters.

Sometimes I want to hold the baby version of her again. As a toddler, she doesn't like to sit still for more than a second or two and so those moments have slipped right through my hands.

I've said before that postpartum depression stole such an important part of my life from me. With all of that firmly in my past now, I can look back and still have some precious memories. Even if they are a little tainted with the darkness of depression and anxiety.

I know it sounds cliche, but I wouldn't trade this for the world. She is my little friend--always ready to give a hug or a kiss and to make me laugh. I look forward to learning more about this precious ray of sunshine that has warmed my soul--get to know her personality, her quirks, everything about her because I know I will love her forever.

These days, I find myself saying "no" about a thousand times a day--and some days infinitely more than that. She presses buttons, demands attention, lacks patience like her daddy, and has the temper of her mama.

Her eyes sparkle mischievously. Her quietness in the next room means trouble. Any other time, she never quits jabbering--happy chatter, most of which only she can understand. But her smiles and laughter brighten the room as much as her little tantrums in public cause my face to turn a warm crimson red.

I never expected that a heart could love so much, that my thoughts would constantly be filled with her, or that I'd be so protective of this little life I created with the love of my life.

She is my everything, even though she tries my patience over and over again. I want nothing more than to see her happy and content.

The days are long, but the years are short. 

Me Time

I could feel myself nearing the edge. My patience was beginning to wear thin. I was starting to pick fights with my hubby. Anger and resentment began to surface like little bubbles. Depression loomed ahead—I could see it and physically feel it taking over.

I finally realized that what I really needed was some “me” time. Just a little space and time to myself—to breathe, to think, to just be.

I used to think that taking time for myself was selfish. I still feel a pang of guilt every time I leave for a couple of hours. I’m afraid of judgement—like moms are just supposed to continually give of themselves without rest.

Now I know that me time is essential. If I’m not taking care of myself, it makes it much more difficult to take care of my family. It’s not selfish if it’s making me a better mother, wife, and friend. It’s the “put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before you try to save others” concept.

I try to take a couple of hours per week for myself. This hasn’t happened in quite a few weeks and I hadn’t realized it. I’ve had appointments here and there, but not any real down time when the only person I had to take care of was myself.

Today, I met my friend at the gym and we walked on the treadmill and talked. After that, we both had a quick 10 minute massage. We followed it up with lunch. It was perfect. I felt so much better.

It was the first time I’ve been to the gym since maybe February. Oh my goodness. That’s far too long. I was reminded of how much I enjoy going and how much I need it.

I’m working on making a peaceful place in the back yard where I can sit this summer. I think it will be great during nap times. It is good for the soul to be outside!

So anyways, I am proud of myself for getting to the gym—but I’m trying to focus on the fact that exercise should be about loving myself enough to take care of myself and not some punishment because I am not good enough the way that I am.

My goal is to take care of myself, take time for myself, and get healthy because I love myself. I’ve been asking myself the question, “What would I do in this situation if it were about loving myself and not just an old, bad habit?” It will take time to change my thought process—but I’m working on it!

A Fun Weekend

Hello everyone! I hope you had a good weekend.

On Friday, my MIL had the day off and wanted to spend some time with Little Miss Sunshine so she was over pretty much all day. I left for a couple of hours so she could have some alone time with her.

I found the perfect little coffee shop and it’s not even that far from my house. I’m so excited about it because it will be the perfect place for me to go enjoy a latte and either read a book or get some work done.

Isn’t that pretty? I look forward to going back.

Hubby and I were able to go on a date night too! It has been over two months since our last date night, so it was time. We went out for pizza at our favorite pizza place, stopped by the Home Show to see if the video I had been working on was playing correctly, and I went to Target while he went to a sporting goods store. Yep—we sound like an old married couple!

Since my video wasn’t working correctly, I spent a long time trying to figure that out when I got home! This was the first video I’ve ever made and it needed to be on a DVD. I finally got it all figured out and we brought it back to the Home Show on Saturday. That was a big stress relief for me! I got lots of compliments on it—so that makes me feel good!

The corporation that I made it for is very happy with it so far, but there is a lot more to add and it will probably never be “finished”, so I am thankful to have another ongoing work project!

The video took me 33 hours—I couldn’t believe it! I had estimated 10 hours. I apologized to them, explaining I had no idea how much work was involved in making a video—they told me not to worry one bit about the hours and to just send them an invoice. Whew!

I don’t know why I didn’t start trying to do more freelance work prior to becoming a SAHM. I can make more money in less than a week’s time than I did in 2 weeks—or even in a couple hours. It’s nice to finally feel like my time, work, and talent is being valued. I am thankful for the experience that I got at my last job though—it has served me well in many areas, including some of the freelance work I’m doing.

Speaking of, I have been a Microsoft PC user all of my life. I have been so fed up with the updates on Windows 8 and 10 and how incredibly slow my laptop was running that I did some research and determined that the MacBook Pro is best for the type of work I do.

I took the plunge and upgraded and I am SO glad that I did. I cannot believe how much better this Mac is. It’s so clean and intuitive…not to mention incredibly faster! I hope it will last me many, many years.

As a side note, I also bought a bright pink hard cover for it. Totally me. I thought you might enjoy that.

After the second stop at the Home Show on Saturday, we decided to use some gift cards to Red Lobster. I am obsessed with their Soy Ginger Salmon. So good.

I got to go to Target (alone!) and do some shopping with some gift cards that I’ve saved up. I bought a French Press (oh my goodness…amazing), eos lotions, and some random office/paper things that you know I like so much. Just perfect!

Except for the fact that I was still sick all weekend, it was a good one! Today is the first day that I feel like I’m actually improving. Fingers crossed! I also feel like I’m getting my energy back so that’s a good sign.

Now that I have phase 1 of my big project completed, I hope to have time to blog more this week! Not to mention, focus on my other business again, and get back to decluttering the house!

What are you up to this week?

Indoor Play Time Outing

Today was another first for me—and another step in the right direction. I took Little Miss Sunshine to an open gym playtime for little ones. She had a lot of fun. There were various pieces of play equipment, a bouncy house, balls, etc. There were probably 10 other children there. It only cost $3 for her to play and I would say that was well worth it for a new and different activity where she could run around during the winter months.

Why was this a big step for me?

I have been talking a long time about wanting to take Little Miss Sunshine to some sort of activity where there are other kids to play around/with, but this is really the first time I’ve done it (the park and mall being an exception). I felt anxious the entire time, but did it anyways and I’d take her again.

It all comes down to my thoughts—still thinking other moms are looking at me and thinking negatively of me. It’s not NEARLY as bad as it used to be when I was suffering with PPD, but there’s still just a tiny bit of that going on in my head and it’s something I need to continue to work on. I do remember thinking to myself, “You have just as much a right as every other person to be here—so just stop thinking like that”. So that means I was conscious about my thoughts a little bit.

Since this is something I’m “afraid” of, I think that the more I do it the less afraid I will be because I will grow more confident. It seems like a small battle, but it really isn’t for me! It would be a lot easier to just stay home and not take any risks.

I didn’t try socializing with any other mothers and may have avoided them a little bit. Hey, one step at a time, right? Eventually, I would like to do something like this once per week. It’s good for both myself and Little Miss Sunshine. I just hate that it has to be so far away for any activities. There used to be something similar in my town but I guess it was discontinued. I might look into trying to get it started up again. Who knows? Maybe the mom who kept it going doesn’t have kids that age anymore.

What activities do/did you do with your toddlers in the wintertime?

10 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Mom of an 18 Month Old

You can read all of the latest books on parenting, take all of the childcare classes, and prepare all you want—but nothing prepares you like actually getting down and dirty in the trenches of parenthood.

Before I had a child, I thought I had all of the answers. Now that I have a child—I have all of the questions for the experienced mamas I know. There’s nothing quite as humbling as being a parent.

I cannot imagine how many more lessons I will learn as a parent, but here are just a sampling of some of the lessons I’ve learned thus far. Enjoy!

 

 

Your house doesn’t need to look perfect

I was really hard on myself in the first year after my daughter was born. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t keep the house clean, cook a healthy supper at night, take care of the baby, and manage to shower that day. I was lucky if I managed to shower. Part of this was due to postpartum depression, but part of it was due to the fact that I thought I had to have it all together, all of the time. Great news—I don’t!

Someone wise once told me that when you become a parent you have to find a new normal. For me, this means that sometimes I just have to ignore the toys scattered across the floor, the laundry piling up, and dishes stacking up in the sink and accomplish what needs to be done at that moment—whether it be taking a shower, playing with the little one, or just taking some me time. A home is meant to be lived in.

 

Whatever you do, don’t act alarmed

Whenever the little one would take a tumble, she would immediately look up at me to see my reaction. I quickly learned that if I acted like it was no big deal, then she would too. Conversely, if I panicked—so would she. Now, I wait for her response before I respond—and most often, she takes her tumble, stands back up and keeps on trucking without a single tear.

 

Increased number of blowouts? Go up a diaper size

This has been my number one indication that it was time to move up a diaper size. Once the blowouts start happening on a regular basis, you know it’s time to move up a size. For me, it’s kind of hard to physically tell if the diaper is too small or not by just looking.

 

Dislike a food the first, third, or fifth time? Keep trying

If you continue to introduce a new food, more than likely the little one will end up learning to like it. Sometimes the new texture or taste of food isn’t agreeable at first, but don’t give up too easily!

I think my daughter refused strawberries the first 20 times I offered them. Then one day, she started eating them and loved them. I was glad that I didn’t give up!

 

ALWAYS bring an extra outfit

I keep a bag in the car with an extra outfit or two, diapers, wipes, and snacks. The time that you forget the extra outfit is the time you’re going to need it. Babies are messy little creatures! It doesn’t hurt to have an extra outfit for yourself too—unless you like the look of food or spit up splattered across your shirt.

 

Little One Acting Out? Remain calm

When my daughter was going through a horrible biting stage, our pediatrician told us that parents are a baby’s favorite toy. Babies love to see the reaction of a parent—both good and bad. She told us that, although it can be hard, when the little one acts out, we need to do everything we can to remain calm. If we start yelling, or scream “ouch”—the baby will probably continue the behavior because he/she finds the reaction entertaining.

 

Happiness is contagious

One of the most rewarding parts of being a parent is seeing how people light up when they see your little one. Every time we go out, our little girl makes random strangers smile. Children truly are precious and their happiness is contagious. There’s a lot to be learned from the innocence of a child.

 

It’s okay to accept help

It took the humbling experience of postpartum depression to make me realize how important accepting help is. You don’t have to do it all alone. If you feel overwhelmed, ask for help. If someone offers help and you need it, accept it graciously without guilt. If you just need a few moments alone to recharge, ask someone to take care of the little one for an hour or two. As parents, we need a village of support and it’s so important for our mental and physical health.

 

It’s Just a Phase

Oh, the countless times I wondered how I would ever survive. There was the biting phase, the chewing on the furniture phase, the throwing food phase (we’re still in this one), the throwing herself on the floor in a tantrum phase, and so many more. Each time, I wondered how in the world I was ever going to be able to teach this little girl of mine that the particular behavior was not acceptable—because nothing I tried would work.

After surviving a few phases, you realize that these behavioral issues are simply phases and eventually your little one will grow out of that phase and onto yet another one. But, it’s only just a phase.

 

You think you won’t, but you will

Before having a child, I told myself I would never do this and never do that. I would never give up listening to the music I like and listen to children’s music instead. I did—I know so many nursery rhymes, lullabies, and children’s songs now. I often find myself singing them when I’m all alone.

While pregnant, the birth horror stories that every mother thought she needed to tell me was irritating. Now I find myself wanting to share my story—thankfully, I’m usually able to stop myself before I share—but seriously, you think you won’t—but you will. Just wait and see.

 

Can you relate to any of these lessons? What is an important lesson that you would add to this list?

4 Postpartum Depression & Anxiety Triggers from Personal Experience

Having safely made it to the other side of postpartum depression, I’ve come to recognize some of the things that trigger symptoms of anxiety—thanks to therapy. Anxiety is closely related with depression and they often go hand in hand.

When something triggers these feelings, I have to quickly take control of my thoughts and focus intently on thinking positively. It is very easy to let anxiety and negative thoughts take control and send me into a downward spiral towards panic or deep depression.

I’m sharing these four triggers with you for a few of reasons. 1) I’m hoping that if you are a mother going through the horrors of postpartum depression that this will assure you that you’re not alone in this, 2) to make everyone aware, mindful, and sensitive of what things may trigger symptoms in mothers with postpartum depression, 3) to continue chronicling my personal journey through this mental illness.

 

Negative Judgment

More specifically, negative judgment about my ability and choices as a mother. This is by far my number one trigger and is one thing that can very quickly send me spiraling out of control.

Examples are: breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, homemade baby food vs. store bought food, the vaccination debate, snack choices for the little one, attire, car seat choices, and just simply mothering, in general.

Do these sound like normal topics that might cause any mother some anxiety? Probably. The difference is that for a mother with postpartum depression, these negative judgments are a reflection on her ability as a mother—whether they are true or not.

So what may be a difference in opinion becomes thoughts such as the following:

I do not know how to make the right choices. I am a terrible mother. I’ll always be a terrible mother. I probably wasn’t cut out to be a mother even though I want to be a good mother so badly. I’m so sorry that my baby has to have a terrible mother like me. My husband deserves better. I’m a terrible human being. I wish I didn’t exist.

At this point in my recovery process, I recognize that sometimes the judgment is intentional and sometimes I feel judged based upon my own insecurities and I simply perceive being judged when that’s not always the case.

 

Sights, Sounds & Smells

This one is coming from my perspective as a mother of an almost one and a half year old. I’ve been through the worst of this illness and these signs seem to linger in my memories.

Whenever I hear the music that’s played on the bouncy seat that my daughter sat in while I prepared dinner, or some other task that required two hands, I still feel a sense of panic. The same thing is true for classical music (which was the only thing that would content her in the car), a newborn’s cries, the sound machine through the baby monitor, and even recently I felt a sense of panic arise when I heard a baby’s heartbeat on an ultrasound—which makes me realize how much anxiety I had even before I gave birth.

Whenever I wash my hands at a doctor’s office, the smell of the soap brings back feelings of anxiety from being at the hospital, having a newborn baby to care for who was also choking on fluid that she kept coughing up and no one knew why, and the panic I felt when they took her from me to pump her stomach and told me I wouldn’t want to be there while they performed this procedure. A simple smell brings those feelings rushing back. This is true for that general smell of a doctor’s office.

I recently had an appointment in the same building where I gave birth. When I pulled into the parking garage, walked through the entrance, and even rode in the elevator I felt a sense of panic. If I see a picture of myself from when my daughter was a newborn, I immediately feel like I did at the time—overwhelmed and anxious.

Triggers involving the senses tend to sneak up on me. I can be grocery shopping and hear a baby cry from a few aisles down and my heart begins to pound. I can simply see a new mother with her baby and my body goes tense. I was recently packing up nursing supplies for storage and I felt the smooth coldness of a nipple shield and I began to feel like I could cry—a reminder of the struggles baby and I had nursing. These little things that come up suddenly still make me suck in my breath in panic.

 

Crowds of People

This probably has a lot to do with my social anxiety, but being in a room with a lot of people while taking care of my daughter can be a huge stressor. This has a lot to do with perceived judgment from others.

Sometimes I feel like I can hardly breathe when the attention of everyone in the room is turned towards me and the baby. A lingering stare upsets me the most, especially when baby girl is “acting out” as any child her age would.

 

Unsolicited Advice

This is another big trigger for me. I take it very personally and it really doesn’t matter who the advice is coming from—it could be from a complete stranger.

When I am doing my best and someone gives me unsolicited advice, I begin to doubt myself as a mother and my ability, similar to what I described earlier in the judgment section.

Everyone has an opinion on the way parenting should be done and everyone thinks that their way is the right one. There are a lot of things that just really don’t matter all that much and giving advice is completely unnecessary. If I were doing something that affected the wellbeing of my child—then the unsolicited advice would be appreciated.

For example, we have someone in our lives who routinely tells us how we should be dressing our daughter for the weather. It irritates me every single time. I care about my daughter’s well being and have dressed her in a way that I feel is appropriate for the weather. When this person tells me otherwise, I feel judged as a parent and it can be very easy to go down the path of self-depreciation.

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One of the most helpful things that you can do for a mother with postpartum depression is to simply encourage her. Reassure her. Tell her she’s doing wonderful. Tell her she’s a good mother, which more than likely she is or she wouldn’t be worrying so much about what type of mother she is.

Therapy was essential to my recovery and I highly recommend it. I have the skills that I need to overcome the obstacles that sometimes arise, instead of falling deep into depression. The mind is a powerful thing—it’s like a muscle that must be routinely strengthened by thinking positive thoughts.

 

What is a trigger for you? Can you relate to any of the ones I’ve listed here?

Update on my plan, psychiatrist visit, and life in general

It probably won’t come as much of a surprise that I have failed miserably at sticking to my new Simply Filling plan. But I’m still on board with following the plan.

This holiday weekend brought a series of unplanned events and outings and I ended up going way off track. Pizza, donuts, ice cream, cookies, pancakes…yikes. I felt horrible by the time the weekend was over.

But I have seen improvements in my food choices overall—not including those parts of the weekend where I was way off track. I went grocery shopping and did not buy any “junk” foods. The contents of my cart looked much healthier!

On Friday night, hubby told me to take Saturday and go out and enjoy some alone time. I don’t know why, but I was nervous about it and felt guilty. But once I was out the door and on the road I felt much better about it.

It is AMAZING what a little bit of alone time can do. This was my first outing by myself since baby was born. I cranked up my music and sang in the car, did a little shopping, ate lunch in the car, went to Barnes & Noble and sat at the Starbucks drinking an iced latte and eating a cookie while reading my book, and finally I went grocery shopping—ALONE.

By the time I got home, I felt so refreshed. I was able to be the patient and loving mother and wife that I want to be. I really needed a break—I see that now and so does hubby. Even baby girl seemed happier after having some quality time with daddy. I think we both needed a little break from each other!

Sunday, hubby’s dad invited us out for Chinese. And then that evening we all left on a little road trip to meet some of hubby’s relatives. That was completely unplanned.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I explained everything to her. I don’t feel like she really hears me. I feel like I’m being rushed in and pushed out sometimes. She tells me the exact same things every single time. She asks me questions that I answer the same every single time. She obviously does not look at my file before seeing me and I find that frustrating.

Anyways, she tells me that of course I have chemical based depression and that means that I don’t have enough serotonin. But how does she know that’s what’s causing my symptoms? She’s just guessing. I tried to explain everything that happens, etc. and her answer is to up my anxiety meds and doubled my Xanax and told me to take it before I get anxious. Ummm? How am I supposed to know beforehand that I am going to be too anxious for my own health?

She says the buzzing feeling in my arms and my legs is the anxiety. She asks me abruptly, “Why do you feel like that?”—Well, I don’t know! That’s the point. Isn’t that exactly what depression and anxiety are? You have thoughts and feelings and you don’t know why or how to stop them. You’d think a psychiatrist would know that. Something isn’t quite right and I want to figure out what isn’t right before I just keep taking more and more medications.

I told her how it was like a flip of a switch for me and the depression comes on suddenly and can last for days or for weeks. Her response, “we all have times we feel sad, even on the medications”. DUH. There is a big difference between feeling sad, and feeling like you want to die, lacking all energy, crying all the time, feeling like a dark cloud surrounds you, and feeling hopeless. I know what it feels like to have a bad day—and what I feel is not just a bad day. But she doesn’t seem to hear me. Maybe it’s time to find a new psychiatrist.

Anyways, baby girl came down with a 102 fever yesterday afternoon. Poor baby. She went to bed last night at 6:30 and is still sleeping this morning at 10 a.m.! That’s a sure sign she doesn’t feel well. I’m glad she is resting though because that’s the best medicine. Hopefully it’s short lived.

My Sense of Self

Happy September!

I love September for a variety of reasons: it means that fall is coming (and I love fall), my birthday is this month (even though I’m hitting the big 3-0)…and yeah, pretty much I love September because my birthday is in September and my hubby spoils me. ha

Anyways, I am feeling better today—not 100%, but it at least feels like the fog is lifting. I’ve been making myself sleep until I really feel rested in the morning, which means that I miss out on my morning “me-time”, but I think it’s best for now. I feel excited about starting a new project or going somewhere and that means that I’m feeling positive about life again…that’s a huge relief!

It really helped me to write my post yesterday and just express what was going on in my mind. It helped me to process it all and have a good cry. I’m sorry for when I’m a Debbie Downer, but I want to keep record of this entire process.

When hubby got home, he offered to help me clean the house and told me I would feel so much better if the house looked organized. I pushed myself to do it and it did make me feel better, especially when I came downstairs to an organized house this morning. Hubby didn’t even help me very much…I see how that works. lol

I want to focus on eating foods that are good for me. I have salmon in the oven for lunch today. I need to get groceries because we don’t have a lot of food in the house right now, but I’m trying to use what we do have. I know that we will all feel better if we are eating healthier foods, which means that I really need to practice preparation.

I just don’t want to believe that I will be like this for the rest of my life. It’s all up to me and the choices that I make. It will probably mean exercising and eating healthy when I don’t want to or when I don’t feel like it. It’s required at first and eventually you learn to want to exercise and to want to eat healthy. I can’t wait to get back to that place again.

My life has changed so much. I went from working (and having weekends and evenings off) and doing what I wanted, whenever I wanted--to staying at home (a job that has no “off” hours), and prioritizing my child before myself.

Mothers are required to be selfless, and part of my struggle has been losing my sense of self. I used to think that my identity was wrapped up in my job and my weight, to be honest. And when I no longer had an employer or a position and my weight was heavier than ever, I just felt lost.

Over the past few months, I have begun to figure out what I like to do and what goals and aspirations I have. Yes, I am a wife and I am a mother first and foremost, but I am still a woman with interests and goals.

I’ve begun to put more effort into my blog because blogging is something that I truly love to do. I’ve started to read books again when I have the chance. I’ve been teaching myself photography—I purchased macro lenses and a backdrop to experiment with. I set a goal to write a book. I’ve begun to really write. I’ve been dabbling in web design. I have a variety of other things that I want to do when I am ready.

I’m slowly finding myself again and I am learning that who I am is not contingent on my title or on my weight, but who I am is determined by who I choose to become.

My Journey: Therapy for my Emotional Eating Habit

A few years ago, the thought of talking to someone about my emotional eating tendencies would have scared me enough that I would have never considered it. And I never did, until now.

I hit rock bottom this year, thanks to postpartum depression. Because of that, I was more than willing to go to therapy to work through my emotions and learn the coping skills that I so desperately needed to simply function and overcome the anxiety that I had developed. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still haven’t completely recovered. It’s a process that takes time and a lot of work.

I had a therapy session yesterday where we talked about how I feel like my hubby and baby girl deserve someone much better than me. It was the hardest session that I’ve had yet and it made me realize how deeply I have shoved my emotions into my heart.

We focused on how I feel like my hubby deserves a woman who has it more together. Someone who doesn’t have all of my issues. Someone who is fit, thin, and beautiful. Someone the opposite of me. And once again, it all came down to  poor body image, intense feelings of shame & guilt, and not loving & accepting myself.

We talked about my pregnancy and how I never really got to enjoy it because I was always worried about my weight and felt like I was ugly & huge. I never got to experience really having a “baby bump” because I already had a plump figure. No one could even tell that I was pregnant—it just looked like I was getting fatter and fatter.

I told her about something my doctor did to me in the last few weeks of pregnancy and the emotions and shame swept over me like it had just happened again. I sobbed. My heart is still broken over that and I never took the time to heal and come to terms with the experience, which is why I still feel the pain of it so strongly. I feel like it is finally time to blog about that experience so that I can finally heal. I’ll share that when I have the time & gain the courage.

It all came down to my weight, my negative body image, and my negative self image—once again. And I believe that may be the root of my problem. I don’t love myself. I absolutely hate myself. That didn’t just happen over night but it has been a lifelong accumulation of negative self talk, and believing what any person said about me like it was the gospel truth. It’s because of a lack of confidence. It’s a feeling of unworthiness.

My therapist seems fairly religious and I am thankful for that because she brings insight into how God might view my situation. Her thoughts cause me to think differently about my experiences and it helps to spin a more positive light on my situation.

My biggest take away from this appointment was that God created me and He knows that I am not perfect and that I will never be perfect. But if I am living my life trying to become what would please God, then that is enough. He loves me, despite the fact that I am imperfect.

Maybe I don’t have the perfect body and I struggle with my weight. Maybe I have postpartum depression. Maybe I am not perfect. But because of these physical & emotional imperfections, great things have been done in my heart.

If was had been born with a perfect body and no eating issues, I would never have been able to understand what it’s like to be bullied & belittled and maybe I would never have had the empathy that I have now. I never would have needed this blog as an outlet. Perhaps the entire course of my life would have changed, and quite honestly—I have a pretty good life the way it is.

Life may have been a lot less complicated and easier if I had not been predisposed to postpartum depression. But if it had never happened, the restoration that is occurring in my heart and soul would never have happened. Once again, it has helped me to have empathy and compassion for others.  It has caused me to seek out God more earnestly. The experience has improved my marriage and brought us even closer together. And it is because of this experience that I am even beginning this journey of therapy to address the issues that have lead to my weight problem.

How can I have shame about my perceived imperfections when these are the very tools which have molded me into who I am?

How can I expect to attain perfection when God has created me knowing that I will be imperfect, and yet loves me anyway?

These questions are like the effect of the warmth of the rising sun on a densely foggy morning—they dissipate the fears and bring clarity to the distant horizon. It’s a start. I can see my goal, but the road to get there is still long and winding.

My mission for the next couple of weeks is to begin to track my emotions when I “go off track” or when I am eating for reasons other than hunger. I stopped at Target and bought a little notebook that I will keep in my purse. And wouldn’t you know that my first entry is: ate a chocolate chip cookie from Starbucks because I was emotionally drained after therapy.

It is amazing how physically draining emotions can be. After the appointment, I never did get my energy back. I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. I feel better after a good night’s sleep.

This was my first therapy session where we discussed how I need help with the psychological reasons of why I am overweight. She told me this is something that we can work on. And that gives me hope. By journaling, she believes this will bring insight into why I am overeating, etc. and then we can go from there.

And so this is only the beginning.

Things I Love Thursday

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Welcome to another edition of Things I Love Thursday!

 

LOL

source: Pinterest

I don’t think this requires an explanation. Too funny!

Produce from our garden

These are our first tomatoes from our garden this year, we’ve had a few peppers already, and these are the first blackberries that I’ve gotten to before the birds! Hubby and I cleaned the blackberries and ate them immediately—they were so juicy and sweet.

 

Peanut Brittle (a few bites!)

This may have been the first time I’ve eaten peanut brittle in any month other than December. But, alas, this was the best peanut brittle I’ve ever eaten—honestly! This was another goodie that Gourmet Gifter sent me to try out. The peanut brittle has been closely monitored to only be eaten occasionally and in moderation. No worries.

 

How They Blog Podcast

I have been listening to episodes of this podcast every chance I get. I have learned a lot about blogging and discovered new resources by listening to Kat’s wisdom and the tips from her guests. She hasn’t recorded a new episode for a long time, but her old episodes are great. I highly recommend checking it out!

 

Cereal

© Marilyn Barbone via Fotolia

Cereal is pretty much my favorite food ever and I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I usually only buy cereal that has practically no sugar, like Cheerios or Rice Krispies, but somehow I slipped into a bad cereal habit! I’ve acknowledged I have a problem and that I need to change. The first step is admitting it. So Hubby and I agreed—back to our healthy cereal again. As much as I love you, my dear delicious unhealthy cereals, I will have to say goodbye.

 

What are you loving this Thursday?

The Rollercoaster of Postpartum Depression

I have felt a little bit “off” since sometime last week. It has kind of been a rollercoaster of sorts. It got the worst Saturday night and so I spent all day on Sunday resting as much as I could. I actually took two naps that day and thankfully hubby picked up the slack for me. I guess it’s going to take a really long time to fully recover from PPD. Supposedly, the longer you wait to get help the longer it will take to fully recover. I waited too long!

There are so many ups and downs. At the beginning of last week I felt amazing. I was highly productive and feeling like myself. Towards the very end of the week it all started to fall apart. The first sign is that I’m not keeping up with the housework or the laundry. And somehow every single time I never correlate the two when I’m in the midst of it. Instead, I just feel like my environment is completely out of my control and it overwhelms me even more yet I can’t find the energy to get the needed tasks done. Anyone who has had depression can probably relate to this.

I finally went to see my counselor again on Thursday. I know that I should probably go more consistently and more often because apparently I still need a lot of help. I feel like I spent most of the time telling her how I feel and my concerns for an upcoming event. We discussed how something triggered a relapse for about three weeks (the stressful appointment at my psychiatrist) and how I want to learn how to avoid that in the future.

It is absolutely horrible when somehow my brain tells me that it’d be easier if I wasn’t around, or that my husband and daughter deserve someone much better than me, or knowing that I have everything I’ve ever wanted but yet feeling like I just want to die. These thoughts aren’t like the “real” me. I’m an optimistic and hopeful person, but somehow this horrible illness does this to me. And it makes me feel utterly out of control even though they’re my own thoughts…it’s so hard to explain.

My counselor told me that if I ever feel like that again (it’s not the first time) that I need to call her office and ask to be added to her wait list so that I can get in to see her as soon as someone cancels. That is good to know because sometimes it’s hard for me to remember what was going on in my head during the experience when I’m past it and feeling much better.

I still have thoughts that I thought were normal until I start telling my counselor about them, or even tell someone else about them. I feel so much guilt about pretty much everything, and especially as it concerns being a parent. I still feel like everyone in the world is looking at me and judging me. I have improved to the point where I don’t often let it stop me from going out in public (except when it’s really bad), but the thoughts are still there and I think that eventually it just all adds up and I completely fall apart.

I keep snacks in my purse for the little one for when we’re out and about—it’s really just entertainment to keep her from having a melt down while I’m getting groceries, for example. I feel like everyone judges me as a bad mother because she’s not eating something like fruits or veggies. She might be eating Annie’s bunnies, Cheerios, or animal crackers because they’re convenient and no, she doesn’t eat them all of the time—but I feel like a bad mother. I have a lot of hang-ups about myself and body image and I am sure this is why I feel so bad about these issues.

Many have reassured me that toddlers act out, but I still feel like I’m a horrible parent when she does this in public. I feel like I should be able to handle it better or prevent it from happening. Maybe it’s feeling like I have a lack of control in general. My counselor told me that people are not meant to be completely controlled and a toddler will do what a toddler will do and it’s completely normal for a toddler to act out and is not a reflection on me—but yet I feel like it is.

I feel guilty because I still haven’t worked up the confidence or the energy to take the little one to an activity where she can interact with other toddlers. It takes everything I have sometimes just to take her outside and let her run around. I hate feeling like that! For a while I was doing so well, taking her to the pool, to various parks, to the library, going for walks, etc. But then something happens that triggers the depression symptoms and I’ll take a few steps back again. I am afraid I am failing her in not providing enough experiences.

My husband reminds me that he never had play dates and come to think of it, neither did I and I think we both turned out ok…well maybe. (ha) I just want what’s best for her and it frustrates me when I don’t have the energy or state of mind to do the things that I want to do with her. We have lots of play time at home, read books, etc. I just hope my love is enough!

Last night, even my dreams were filled with anxiety. I remember telling myself to breathe deeply in my dream as I kept panicking. It’s like my entire being becomes affected, even in the state of unconscious sleep. When it starts to get bad, I start to feel like my body is buzzing, my eyes feel heavy, I’m tense, and all I really want to do is stay in bed all day (or for a lifetime)—but of course I can’t.

Anyways, I’ve been doing what I can. I’m looking for the triggers. I’m resting when I need to because that seems to be the only cure for me. The counselor says that’s a good choice because many people turn to alcohol in those situations. (Eek!) And so, I’m hoping that instead of plunging into weeks of depression that instead I will just have moments or days where I feel like that.

It’s hard to be patient with myself when I have goals that I want to meet in so many different areas of my life. The good news is that I am on track with my points. I quit tracking on Saturday and of course that leads me to feeling even more out of control. Yesterday I went back and tracked everything I had eaten and realized that I was doing just fine—what a relief!

I guess this post turned into a long rambling one!

Is there anyone else out there recovering from postpartum depression or depression of any kind? How are you doing?

The Amazingly Endless Contents of a New Mom’s Purse

This weekend I was searching for something in the deep abyss that is my purse. I stuck my hand in and started sorting through all of the contents to find what I was looking for. Instead of feeling the soft fabric that lines the bottom of my purse, I felt a mound of Cheerios. So is the life of a mom!

I decided it was time to clean my purse out and I had to laugh at all of the contents in my bag. I thought it would be fun to share.

You don’t even want to know all of the things that I carried in my purse when our little one was actually a baby! Now that she’s one year old, I don’t have to carry around as much stuff. Let’s take a closer look.

Here we have wipes, butt paste, 4 diapers, a packet of baby food, three emergency snacks to avoid a toddler meltdown in public, Xanax to avoid a mommy meltdown (thanks to PPD), an inhaler, cell phone charger, and Bluetooth.

And here we have a measuring spoon, baby toy, another baby toy, wet bag, sunglasses, regular glasses, bib, sippy cup, container with snacks, one pacifier (who knows where the other 5 are), baby keys, a case I keep my wallet in, gum, mints, and two baby hair bows.

The diaper case, iPod case and iPod charger (who knows where my iPod is?).

Additional items shown here are my wallet, keys, various coupons & receipts, and a lipstick style pepper spray that my husband insists that I carry.

And last but not least we have lotion, pill bottle, ibuprofen in a small baggy, two peppermints, a pen, Tums, Bandaids, tampons, pads, eyebrow pencil, makeup sample, lip balm, a small hair band, mirror, and a wristlet.

After I put all of the contents back in my purse I found a pack of Kleenex that I would probably never find if I needed them.

I challenge you to post what’s in your purse!

Before I became a Stay at Home Mom

Last week, I asked you to submit any questions you had for me on a Get to Know Me post. I will be answering those questions in posts, starting with this one from Finding Lori.

It is hard to believe that I have been a stay at home mom for over a year now. It seems like just yesterday that I worked a 40 hour traditional job. Being a mom has been more challenging than any job I have ever had, but it also has more benefits.

In January of 2007, I escaped the horrible life of working in retail and began working at a call center. I was working on completing my last “two years” of a B.A. in English Language and Literature and this new job turned out to be the perfect job as a student because I was often able to study at work.

I worked on various accounts and with each one I learned more. I learned about taxes and engines and eventually ended up with a door and window company in August of 2007. Let me tell you, call center agents are not paid nearly enough for the abuse received from some customers. It is an emotionally draining job.

I learned the most at this last account and I know way too much about windows and doors. I have installed the products, taken them apart and reassembled them, ordered parts, toured multiple factories, diagnosed service problems, ordered countless parts, and talked thousands of customers through the steps of fixing their products. It was not a job for the weary, I will tell you that. The turnover rate was pretty high and it took considerable time for people to “catch on”. It was a constant learning experience.

In 2011, I finally graduated from college. It took me four years to finish the last “two years” because I was also working full time. At this point, I was ready to find a new job. I actually hated working at a call center by this time (not as much as I hated retail though). There were unrealistic expectations at times (most of which have been changed), crazy drama, and office politics. I was so happy when I was able to begin working from home, but I still dreaded my work days.

Around this time I began working part time as a newspaper reporter in addition to my full time job. Eventually, I worked part time hours at both. Being a reporter was a good experience for me because I got to know a lot of people in my small town and learned how much I love to hear & write about others, but after about a year I realized that this wasn’t the job for me.

During this time, I was also offered a new position at my other job and I finally started to love my job—at least the work part of it, but not being highly underpaid. I was back to working full time hours at this place again.

This was a new program for which I was the first writer. I wrote content for both customers and phone agents. The type of work that I did at first would be considered technical writing.

After a while, the program expanded and the corporate office hired someone at their location with the same degree I had. I don’t think the client actually knew I had a degree—either way, I was doing the work which I was qualified for while still earning the same paycheck as I did as a call center agent. I was super bummed--but so it goes when you work for a call center because you don’t actually work for the client. It was really frustrating to realize that there was no way I could move up any further as a writer with this type of client relationship at a call center.

And so I decided to look at the job as simply a way to get experience. And it was great experience. As the program became a little more organized, they gave us official role names. For a while I was an editor until they decided to only have editors at the corporate location again—another bummer. And then I was a content author.

Long story short, I wrote articles and instructions for both agents and customers. This was written for the web, so it was much like blogging where I also included pictures, etc. I created an entire glossary for the company and even drew many of the pictures myself—I was pretty proud of it and so was the company. I wrote countless articles about varied topics.

Eventually, I was the only person at my office working on this program again. I was responsible for training the entire team, of about 40 people, as we learned more and more about the program—until they delegated that task to the “trainer” of the account and so I assisted her when she needed. It was a constant shift in organization as they figured out how it should be organized using their current structure of people.

I was pretty happy that maternity leave was nearing. I worked on creating a training guide and trained the person who would fill in for me when I was gone. I tried to have everything in order and a lot of organization to the way everything worked so it would always go smoothly.

After a long day at work and after having just taken on another project, I went into labor later on that evening and baby girl was born the next day. I eventually made the final decision that I would be a SAHM and went into the office one more time to talk to my boss and give my resignation. He told me that the call center and the client were really going to miss me and if I ever wanted to come back he would hire me immediately. I’m glad that I left on such good terms.

This job showed me how much I disliked working in the “business” world. I used to have to go on business trips and sit in meetings and get through dinners out with the clients. The people were super nice & the fancy restaurants were amazing, don’t get me wrong, but I just didn’t feel like it was where I belonged. I hated the competition and the way people acted to try to move their way up. That just isn’t me—I am a genuine person and don’t fake who I am.

But I did love the challenge of my job. I loved having to research and work on technical questions. I enjoyed working through a problem with a product and then figuring out how to put it all into words so that a 5th grader could understand the process. The mental challenge was awesome and kept me from getting bored and feeling unchallenged. I loved being able to work alone but also collaborate as a team.

Overall, I think I hated more aspects of my job than I loved but it was a great experience for 7 years. I learned a lot about myself. More than anything, I learned that jobs will always disappoint you in the end so it’s important not to put your entire life and soul into the job. Faith and family are most important to me and no job will ever rob me of either—it’s all about priorities.

And so this all contributed to my decision to be a SAHM and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to do so. It means less money & expensive things, but the trade off is worth it to me. Now I am able to chase after my real dream of being a writer and publish a book. I’m just getting started!

A {busy} Day in the Life of Post

I thought it was time for a day in the life of post—so here is my Tuesday! I am so out of the habit of doing this that I forgot to take pics of my breakfast and so I decided to just eliminate the food from this post.

I woke up shortly before 7:00. It takes me a little bit to wake up and be ready to take on the day, so I just laid in bed for a little while. I headed downstairs and had to smile when I found this note from hubby on the table. He leaves me a note every morning. <3

I heard baby girl talking in her room at about 7:00, which was at least an hour earlier than her usual wake up time. She just sat in there quietly hanging out—completely content.

She likes her alone time here and there. It’s kind of funny because just about every day she goes over to the door to the stairs and wants to go up to her room. I’ll put her in her crib like she’s going down for a nap and she will spend an hour up there just laying down quietly but not going to sleep. She has started to only take one nap per day now, but she still likes that second “quiet time”—which is alright by me because she usually needs it.

Anyways, she kept acting like she was going to go back to sleep so I finally decided to try to sneak downstairs without her hearing me. Hubby found a way to do so and it’s genius. If we walk with one foot on each side of the hallway the floor doesn’t squeak as much. hehehe I’m sure that we look pretty ridiculous doing it—but it works! And sure enough, she was sound asleep.

I used the time to sit down and do some writing, enjoying the muted light, breeze from the fan, and quietness. I also started drinking a big glass of water—which is something I like to do first thing in the morning because it makes my body feel good.

I actually got my shower in and got ready for the day before baby girl woke up. She slept in extra late today. When she finally woke up, we had breakfast and then got ready to leave.

Hubby was going to be working super late, so I wanted to keep busy throughout the day so that baby girl didn’t get fussy. So the was a little more “fun filled” than most days. Hubby needed to pick up some eggs from his parent’s for a coworker and he wasn’t going to be able to, so I volunteered to go get them for him.

I know his parent’s love their time with baby girl, so I asked if they wanted to spend some time with her while I went for a walk. They were thrilled. This was the first time I asked someone other than my mom to watch baby girl…and doing it didn’t make me anxious like it would have in the past. I think the fact that she’s older and has shown me her growing independence makes me feel much more comfortable with leaving her alone with someone I know and trust. She’s also at an age that’s easier for them.

Oh my goodness, I really enjoyed my walk. I was reminded of why hubby wants us to move out into the country. It is so peaceful out there. I just walked up the gravel road to the next farm and back—which hubby says is exactly a mile away (so I would have walked 2 miles total)—but my Fitbit told me I walked 1.75 miles so it’s probably off a little bit…or maybe it didn’t count steps every time I was wiping away the sweat from my face! Eek.

It was a hazy day, but hot and humid. My MIL commented that it was nice and cool out and they had their windows opened. It never ceases to amaze me how they do that. I get soooo hot and moody that hubby is more than happy to run the AC…haha. And I’m only truly comfortable when it’s set to 72!!

Here I am towards the beginning of my walk—still nice and cool from the Jeep AC… so no oceans of sweat running down my face yet.

We’ve had so much rain lately. The water in the creek was rushing along.

I was going to listen to my iPod, but I decided to listen to the peacefulness instead: the crunch of the gravel beneath my feet, birds chirping on the lines overhead, the soft whoosh of butterflies in front of me, bugs singing in the grass, and water rushing out of the fields through the tile systems. It was really beautiful.

The Iowa corn has gotten so tall and so quickly too! I guess the hot weather and rain will do that. There’s a saying that the corn will be “knee high by the 4th of July”—I would say it’s probably to my shoulders!

On the way back I was facing the hot sun and was feeling tired so I decided to listen to podcasts. I love listening to podcasts when I can—usually when I’m working around the house when baby girl is napping.

On the way back, I found these items on the side of the bridge. I was kind of fascinated by this…odd! It made me wonder where they came from, how old these pieces were, etc.

When I made it back to the in-law’s place, I could see baby girl happily exploring. When she saw me she just burst into tears! I picked her up and she wouldn’t let me put her back down. I guess when she saw me she realized I had been gone! She looked at me like I had betrayed her! Poor baby—but it is good for her. She will learn that mama will always return!

It was lunch time, so I headed to a nearby Subway for lunch. Yummy! I have to order a kid’s meal for baby girl because she literally eats the entire sandwich! This girl eats so much—but she is SO active, so I guess she has to get the energy somewhere. She’s a typical toddler though and eats in cycles—sometimes she hardly eats a thing at a meal or two.

She enjoyed waving to everyone who walked in the door and yelling out “DA DA” to every tall dark headed man that came in…lol. That always makes me feel awkward…

You can see her pretty blue eyes in this one.

After that we headed home. She doesn’t fall asleep in the car very often anymore. I have a backpack full of toys that I keep in the front seat and when she gets fussy, I hand her one at a time. I have all kinds of toys with buttons that make sounds because that’s what she likes best—oh and some books because she loves those too right now.

When we got home I put her down for a nap. She just hung out in her crib for the LONGEST time trying to avoid her nap. She was content for quite a while but then started fussing. She throws everything out of her crib and she can’t sleep unless she has her lovey and her pacifier. I had to make a few trips up to her room to retrieve everything for her. I gave her a couple of books and she eventually settled down and slept for a really long time! She really needed the nap and I wanted to make sure that she took it.

Thankfully, she woke up a happy baby! Sometimes you just never know—sometimes she goes down for a nap an angel and wakes up a little devil! haha

I was pretty tired, so I just hung out while she slept. A vacation day it was! I finally got to enjoy some coffee, I read some blogs, read my book, and got supper together. I made myself a bbq chicken pizza on a tortilla with garden fresh green beans and I made her a chicken parmesan pizza on a tortilla and she also ate some avocado. She had fun making a mess!

After supper, we played and read books. I picked up my book to read a little and so then she picked up her books and would read too. It was cute.

When it 7:00 and the pool would open up again for the evening, I pushed her in the jogging stroller and walked up there. When she saw the pool she got so excited. The water was a little cold but it didn’t stop her.

She is so brave—when I expect her to be scared, she is completely fine. I want to hold onto her hand the entire time and she’s always trying to get away from me—the second I let go, she fell down of course. She got her face in the water and it didn’t even phase her! I expected screams but nope—totally fine. I was the only one upset. lol.

She is incredibly persistent and she spotted something in the lifeguard office and so she repeatedly kept trying to go in there. Oh my goodness! Other than that, all she wanted to do was step up and down from the pool to the edge—she is obsessed with stairs of any kind.

When I was starting to get tired of keeping baby girl out of the lifeguard office, we headed home.

And then it was bath time. After that, she was all tired out and bedtime was no problemo! She was out like a light. I think she requires constant activity and action so I’m going to have to provide that for her!

I did a little maintenance with my flower pots and then decided to call it a night.

I think today proves that I am finally over this “relapse” of PPD. On bad days it’s a triumph to just take a shower. It’s so nice to feel like myself again and have lots of energy! I got over 12,000 steps!

So that was a super long post…are you still with me?! I guess I have a lot of things to say! I’ll try to do these posts every once in a while and I’ll also try to remember to take pics of my food next time!

Weekend, Motherhood, C25K, Aspirations, and Gratitude

I had a much needed restful weekend. After Friday night, I actually didn’t leave the house once—I didn’t even go outside. And for me, that’s what I need to center myself again and recover. When I feel like that, I just don’t want anyone to see me—which I think is a pretty common feeling of those who suffer from depression.

We enjoyed supper out at a Mexican restaurant on Friday—it was delicious. My strategy at Mexican restaurants has always been to avoid the rice and beans. I’d much rather use points on the flavorful food. Most restaurants will bring you a salad instead if you request it. I also always make sure to get my meal grilled or “soft” instead of fried. This saves points and calories.

On Saturday, I straightened up the house that routinely falls apart when I fall apart. I cannot stand clutter. I am on a mission to get rid of things—I’d like to make a few extra bucks doing so but that takes time. So I guess I’ll go slow, but it needs to be done.

In the afternoon, hubby actually told me to have some time to myself and to finish up a movie that we started that he didn’t like. That was wonderful, plus he spent time with baby girl and she loves her daddy. I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel, which wasn’t all that spectacular but it was somewhat interesting to watch. I just enjoyed some much needed alone time.

I am finding that sometimes I just need to be alone with nobody telling me they need something, no complaining and whining, and no one touching me. I know that probably sounds horrible, but even just 15 minutes or an hour and I feel so much better and I’m re-energized and ready to go again. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family so so much and I love being with them and they are a blessing to me, which I am so thankful for. But do any other moms just not want to be needed sometimes? I’m beginning to see that just a little alone time is really important as a mom. Please tell me someone understands this! It makes me feel guilty to “say” it.

Sunday was just a low key day spending time as a family. Last night, baby girl actually laid her head down on my chest and let me sing to her and rock her. Usually she just can’t sit still anymore! That was precious and I savored that moment.

I think that avoiding stress was just what I needed. I am feeling better today and more energized again. I woke up early but felt lazy and just wanted to lay in bed. After breakfast, baby girl was pretty whiney so I decided I’d go for my Day 2 C25K run outside to keep her entertained. I knew I had to get it done this morning because it’s supposed to rain this afternoon (again). I had already made my coffee and everything—but I left it for later and went outside to get it done. (I’m enjoying that re-heated coffee now!)

This was my first jog outside pushing baby girl in the stroller. I liked pushing the stroller—it made me feel like I could hide behind it. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be—but my course was pretty flat.

The pushing of the stroller part was not that hard on my arms, I should say. After completing the workout, I still felt like I was going to die! It was so hot and I was sweating before I even left. There isn’t a lot of shade and the sun was so hot. But, it does make the workout go faster when you’re outside, except that I ended my workout on the other side of town and had to walk home almost another mile. But it’s all about activity.

I was interested to see how my stats compared with my treadmill workout. My average calorie burn per minute was the same. Since I was pushing the stroller, I couldn’t wear my Fitbit on my wrist to track my heart rate so I don’t know how that compares. My workout was also significantly longer since I had to walk so far home. The good news is that I earned 5,217 steps, burned 487 calories and completed 2.33 miles. I’m proud of that.

I was super duper red after my workout!! Told you that I was hot!

I signed up for our annual 4th of July 5K. My dad told me he would walk with me. I just want to walk this year—no pressure. I don’t want to be exhausted for the entire day from wearing myself out. Something is better than nothing! I think hubby is going to try to run it—we’ll see.

I feel like I have an awful lot of quit in me—but I am proving that I still have a little motivation in there too. I am proud of my progress so far and I think it’s important for me to build my self confidence and self image.

I have a whole bunch of thoughts to share with you on self image but I’m going to save it for another day because this post is getting pretty long!

Oh, another thing—I am officially going to work on writing my first book. Thank you for those of you who gave me the kindest compliments on my writing—it was just the push that I needed to take the plunge. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I have to start somewhere! It will be a collection of memoirs/personal essays on postpartum depression. I have shared quite a few of them here on the blog and I will edit those to polish them and also write many more.

I’m almost done here—but I just wanted to say how thankful I am for where I am in my life right now. I am overwhelmed most of the time, but this too shall pass as I overcome the PPD and work on bettering myself physically and emotionally. I am incredibly lucky to be able to go after my dream and I am thankful to my husband for providing so that I can do that. I have always wanted to write, but it seemed with working full time, going to school, taking care of the house, etc. etc. that I just never found the time to really put my mind to it. I have the opportunity to make time for writing now and I’m really excited about that. I feel like I’ve finally found my niche and my voice. I could also share a million thoughts about self image and identity on this one too, but I’ll save that for another post.

Have a great week!