On my own

I'm giving the IIFYM thing a try on my own today. I had planned to go off on my own last week until the super-nice coach offered me a free month. But I've been reminded again this week why I wanted to go on my own.

I have this issue with accountability-- I get too stressed out about it and it messes with my head! It's better if I can just follow a plan on my own and I'm the only one who knows if I've messed up or not. Maybe I care too much about what other people think? Oh well.

The good news is that I feel excited to track and pick out my foods today, so that's good! 

Tracking my coffee creamer has once again reminded me of how many carbs I'm drinking in it! It's just one of those things that I don't want to give up because I enjoy it so much and miss it a lot when I don't have it. I'll just have to go easy on it. My coach actually told me that I can go ahead and enjoy my coffee and a latte or two each week, so that was working well. I don't think it's the coffee creamer and latte or two each week that has made me fat anyways-- maybe if I was only 10 lbs. overweight I'd believe that.

But anyways, wish me luck!

What I'm Doing Now

Just checking in!

I've been following a diet plan from a friend of a friend for a little over a month now. This woman plans all of my meals for the week (you eat the same things each day for a week), tells me what to do for exercise (which I haven't yet), and is there for support. This system she uses is called If It Fits Your Macros or IIFYM. Heard of it?

So the first few weeks went really well. I lost about 15 pounds rather quickly! And then PMS hit and threw me off track-- not insanely off track, but enough for me to lose my mojo. I've been struggling to get it back. I'm not giving up though. I just need to be more dedicated and remember WHY I am doing this.

I have a few goals ahead. First, I'll be attending conference again this year and the seats are TINY. Last year, I weighed a good 50 lbs. less and it was uncomfortable. I hate to know what it'd feel like at my current weight.

I also earned a couple of free trips with Thirty-One that I'll be taking this fall and I want to feel good in my skin. We'll be going to the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas in September and then on a cruise to the Bahamas in November. I'm really, really looking forward to both. I need a vacation SO BADLY.

I miss the feeling of accomplishment that I used to have back when I had lost all of that weight and was running. I felt good about myself and about life. Lately, I've just been feeling glum-- feeling badly about myself physically, stressed out dealing with a high-energy toddler, and playing the comparison game with other mothers.

But I know enough to try to focus on positive thoughts and not the negative ones. I just miss who I used to  be.

Hello, It's Me

Hello, It's Me.
I was wondering if after all these months you'd like to hear
to go over everything
I know that I was supposed to check in, but I ain't done much checkin

Hello, Can you hear me?
I'm in Iowa dreaming about who I used to be
When I was thinner and free
I'd forgotten how it felt before the weight was on my knees
There's such a difference between us
and a million meals

Hello from the girl who's tryin
I must've tried a thousand times
To tell you I'm alive
and I'm doing alright
But when I try I never seem to be brave
Hello from this side
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you, I'm living and doing just fine
But it don't matter
It clearly isn't meant to be rude, for sure

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're thin
Did you ever reach your goal weight or run that one marathon?
It's no secret that the both of us
are running the same way

So Hello from the girl who's tryin
I must've tried a thousand times
To tell you I'm alive
and I'm doing alright
But when I try I never seem to be brave
Hello from this side
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you, I'm living and doing just fine
But it don't matter
It clearly isn't meant to be rude, for sure

Hangry

Yesterday was Day 1 and it went well! I didn't feel like I was dieting at all, but I did feel in control. It was a success.

Today has been a bit of a struggle! I'm so hungry! So far so good though. I decided to eat some boneless, skinless chicken for a snack since I figure the protein will help-- and it's 0 points with WW Freestyle SmartPoints. 

Perhaps I need to eat a little more fat too so I feel satiated, or cut down on the carbs at breakfast and get back to eating eggs-- which by the way are 0 Freestyle SmartPoints too! I need to boil some eggs to eat as snacks.

Are you following the new FreeStyle SmartPoints system? What do you eat regularly? I'd love some ideas!

A New Beginning

It's New Years Day, so of course you're going to hear from me again! I'm another one of those New Years Resolutioners, but you have to start somewhere or you'll never start. So here I am.

The most significant thing that I did for weight loss was join a medically supervised weight loss program. It was very low carb, no drugs or anything like that, but I found that I could not stick to it. I ended up quitting and they gave me a portion of my money back.

I'm ok with the fact that I quit. I tried something new, found it wasn't for me, and I made a decision to stop and try something else. Granted, I did not try something else after I quit in November-- but it was the holidays and I enjoyed living without obsessing about food. So I'm ok with that too.

As far as weight loss goes, I have learned that I cannot do any diet with restriction-- restriction of a certain food group, too much restriction, or generally trying to force my mind into believing that something is off limits. It's probably a mind thing, but it is the way I am and always have been. Whenever I start restricting, it leads to a massive binge period at some point-- and that's not healthy.

The last year has been a good one for me. Miraculously, I developed either a growth in self-love or maybe a failure-to-care anymore attitude. Either way, I am in a better place mentally.

I no longer look in the mirror and hate myself-- I do avoid mirrors most of the time though, just sayin'. But I don't feel the overwhelming feeling of self-hatred anymore.

Mostly, I am in awe that despite what I have put my body through it continues to be strong, give me life, and my bloodwork is perfect. With my blood work alone, you'd never know I was morbidly obese. And I am so thankful to my body for that. It's incredible.

But it's time to start taking better care of myself, not because I hate myself and want to change, but because I respect what my body is capable of and I love myself enough to want to change. I want to change because I deserve more. I want to change because I don't binge on certain foods because I want to, but because I'm using them as a bandaid. I'm tired of being broken, and I want to rehabilitate.

After some thought, I did join WW online again. I feel like it will give me the guardrails that I need with enough wiggle room to avoid restriction and deprivation. It's a different program from the last time that I did it so I am excited about it.