Here we go again…

Hubby and I are both feeling miserable lately so we made today sort of a “day 1” again. There’s that quote—“If you’re tired of starting over then stop giving up”. I think that applies! Although I wouldn’t say I’m starting over, I just keep making U-turns.

I’m not going to blame it all on hormones—but it’s definitely a factor. Remember my post about how well I had been feeling for about a month? This was just Friday. I shouldn’t have jinxed myself!

Well, I woke up Saturday morning and, once again, it felt like someone flipped a switch and I was feeling horrible. This isn’t PMS as I actually was at the end of my TOM (you’re welcome for the info).

I felt that dark cloud over me again, not as bad as the last time—but life definitely looked hazy again. My body ached, especially my lower back and hips, but also headaches. I felt exhausted. The worst part was my mood—I was irritable and angry for no good reason.

I ended up sleeping for 3 hours in the afternoon on both Saturday and Sunday. The sleep definitely helps, as it always has since all of this began.

For the first time in a month I took Xanax because of how horrible I was feeling mentally—I knew I wouldn’t make it through our church meeting without breaking down if I didn’t take it. I’ve grown to know the feeling of nearing my breaking point.The higher dosage seemed to help. This was the first time I’ve taken the higher dosage since my psychiatrist prescribed it.

Today the body aches have disappeared and I haven’t had a headache all day, now that I think of it. My mood has been better, but definitely not to the same level as it was last week. I still felt tired and ended up having to take a short nap because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. And then I forced myself outside with Little Miss Sunshine, as my psychiatrist also recommended for these moments when I feel like I’m starting to slip.

It definitely helped to get out of the house and feel better about myself—in these times I feel so guilty as a mother because I lack the energy and desire to leave the house. I give Little Miss Sunshine plenty of attention inside and we read books and play—but I know how important going outside and exploring is and I feel like a horrible mother when I’m in those funks. It’s embarrassing to even admit that, but not wanting to leave the house (and the guilt) are actually part of depression.

I want so badly to figure myself out but it’s really hard when I go to the doctor and they don’t really hear me. Maybe I will discuss this with my primary doctor because she always listens and researches until she has answers for me. I just can’t shake the feeling that something is “off” with my body and I feel like I should get it figured out. We’ll see.

I would be thrilled if I am 100% by tomorrow or so and could just expect to have like 5 days or so of these symptoms every month and be over it. But right now, it’s just the wonder of how long it’s going to last, will I sink into a deep depression again, will I be like this for the rest of my life?

I’m going to think positively! I felt horrible for having to take a nap, but by doing so I was able to function better. So if a little 30 minute nap is what it’s going to take to rejuvenate my body, that’s perfectly fine. And I’m thankful I even have the privilege of doing so. Self-care is important.

All for now.