Update on my plan, psychiatrist visit, and life in general

It probably won’t come as much of a surprise that I have failed miserably at sticking to my new Simply Filling plan. But I’m still on board with following the plan.

This holiday weekend brought a series of unplanned events and outings and I ended up going way off track. Pizza, donuts, ice cream, cookies, pancakes…yikes. I felt horrible by the time the weekend was over.

But I have seen improvements in my food choices overall—not including those parts of the weekend where I was way off track. I went grocery shopping and did not buy any “junk” foods. The contents of my cart looked much healthier!

On Friday night, hubby told me to take Saturday and go out and enjoy some alone time. I don’t know why, but I was nervous about it and felt guilty. But once I was out the door and on the road I felt much better about it.

It is AMAZING what a little bit of alone time can do. This was my first outing by myself since baby was born. I cranked up my music and sang in the car, did a little shopping, ate lunch in the car, went to Barnes & Noble and sat at the Starbucks drinking an iced latte and eating a cookie while reading my book, and finally I went grocery shopping—ALONE.

By the time I got home, I felt so refreshed. I was able to be the patient and loving mother and wife that I want to be. I really needed a break—I see that now and so does hubby. Even baby girl seemed happier after having some quality time with daddy. I think we both needed a little break from each other!

Sunday, hubby’s dad invited us out for Chinese. And then that evening we all left on a little road trip to meet some of hubby’s relatives. That was completely unplanned.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I explained everything to her. I don’t feel like she really hears me. I feel like I’m being rushed in and pushed out sometimes. She tells me the exact same things every single time. She asks me questions that I answer the same every single time. She obviously does not look at my file before seeing me and I find that frustrating.

Anyways, she tells me that of course I have chemical based depression and that means that I don’t have enough serotonin. But how does she know that’s what’s causing my symptoms? She’s just guessing. I tried to explain everything that happens, etc. and her answer is to up my anxiety meds and doubled my Xanax and told me to take it before I get anxious. Ummm? How am I supposed to know beforehand that I am going to be too anxious for my own health?

She says the buzzing feeling in my arms and my legs is the anxiety. She asks me abruptly, “Why do you feel like that?”—Well, I don’t know! That’s the point. Isn’t that exactly what depression and anxiety are? You have thoughts and feelings and you don’t know why or how to stop them. You’d think a psychiatrist would know that. Something isn’t quite right and I want to figure out what isn’t right before I just keep taking more and more medications.

I told her how it was like a flip of a switch for me and the depression comes on suddenly and can last for days or for weeks. Her response, “we all have times we feel sad, even on the medications”. DUH. There is a big difference between feeling sad, and feeling like you want to die, lacking all energy, crying all the time, feeling like a dark cloud surrounds you, and feeling hopeless. I know what it feels like to have a bad day—and what I feel is not just a bad day. But she doesn’t seem to hear me. Maybe it’s time to find a new psychiatrist.

Anyways, baby girl came down with a 102 fever yesterday afternoon. Poor baby. She went to bed last night at 6:30 and is still sleeping this morning at 10 a.m.! That’s a sure sign she doesn’t feel well. I’m glad she is resting though because that’s the best medicine. Hopefully it’s short lived.