My Sense of Self

Happy September!

I love September for a variety of reasons: it means that fall is coming (and I love fall), my birthday is this month (even though I’m hitting the big 3-0)…and yeah, pretty much I love September because my birthday is in September and my hubby spoils me. ha

Anyways, I am feeling better today—not 100%, but it at least feels like the fog is lifting. I’ve been making myself sleep until I really feel rested in the morning, which means that I miss out on my morning “me-time”, but I think it’s best for now. I feel excited about starting a new project or going somewhere and that means that I’m feeling positive about life again…that’s a huge relief!

It really helped me to write my post yesterday and just express what was going on in my mind. It helped me to process it all and have a good cry. I’m sorry for when I’m a Debbie Downer, but I want to keep record of this entire process.

When hubby got home, he offered to help me clean the house and told me I would feel so much better if the house looked organized. I pushed myself to do it and it did make me feel better, especially when I came downstairs to an organized house this morning. Hubby didn’t even help me very much…I see how that works. lol

I want to focus on eating foods that are good for me. I have salmon in the oven for lunch today. I need to get groceries because we don’t have a lot of food in the house right now, but I’m trying to use what we do have. I know that we will all feel better if we are eating healthier foods, which means that I really need to practice preparation.

I just don’t want to believe that I will be like this for the rest of my life. It’s all up to me and the choices that I make. It will probably mean exercising and eating healthy when I don’t want to or when I don’t feel like it. It’s required at first and eventually you learn to want to exercise and to want to eat healthy. I can’t wait to get back to that place again.

My life has changed so much. I went from working (and having weekends and evenings off) and doing what I wanted, whenever I wanted--to staying at home (a job that has no “off” hours), and prioritizing my child before myself.

Mothers are required to be selfless, and part of my struggle has been losing my sense of self. I used to think that my identity was wrapped up in my job and my weight, to be honest. And when I no longer had an employer or a position and my weight was heavier than ever, I just felt lost.

Over the past few months, I have begun to figure out what I like to do and what goals and aspirations I have. Yes, I am a wife and I am a mother first and foremost, but I am still a woman with interests and goals.

I’ve begun to put more effort into my blog because blogging is something that I truly love to do. I’ve started to read books again when I have the chance. I’ve been teaching myself photography—I purchased macro lenses and a backdrop to experiment with. I set a goal to write a book. I’ve begun to really write. I’ve been dabbling in web design. I have a variety of other things that I want to do when I am ready.

I’m slowly finding myself again and I am learning that who I am is not contingent on my title or on my weight, but who I am is determined by who I choose to become.