Postpartum Depression: Not Good Enough

I wish babies came with a manual, maybe then I wouldn’t have to feel like such a failure sometimes.

I know I’m not a bad mom—I take the best care of baby as I know how. She is safe, happy, and healthy. But I just can’t shake the feelings that I’m not doing enough, not doing the right things, not being enough.

I read books about babies, search online for the answers, take advice from whomever gives it—but it’s just not enough. No matter how prepared I am on being a mom, I can’t seem to feel like I’m a good enough one.

When things are going smoothly, I feel alright—like I’m doing something right. But we all know that life doesn’t go smoothly when you have babies or children. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s part of the territory, but I am no good at it right now.

Like last night, I was up a few times in the night because baby girl was crying. I would hold her and rock her until she was asleep and put her back in her crib. It kills me that I don’t know what’s wrong with her when this happens. Sometimes I know it’s teething, but I don’t think that was it last night. And I just don’t know what to do to help her except just rock her and hold her. I don’t know how to make it better. And I feel guilty for feeling exhausted and frustrated. I feel like that doesn’t make me a very good mom.

I hate that I don’t have the answers for a lot of things, like why she won’t settle down to go to sleep for her naps when she’s tired. I worry and worry.

I worry that I’m not feeding her a varied enough diet—it’s not that I don’t try, it’s just that she often won’t eat my homemade purees like she used to and it’s hit or miss. I worry when she won’t drink much of her bottles that she won’t get enough nutrients. I worry that she’s not getting the benefits of breastfeeding. For everything that I am, I do not want her to become like me and have a weight problem and I worry that I won’t/don’t know how to make sure that doesn’t happen.

It’s not that I have all bad days or that I can’t keep myself together. My family didn’t even realize that I was struggling so much until I finally admitted it myself and started talking about it. I hope that people can’t see my struggles with being a mom, but I always think the worst. I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me as not knowing how to be a good mom—but I am trying my hardest.

I know I should be focusing on recovery and the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can’t help but see the darkness right now. Sometimes I just don’t know if it can get better and feel like somehow all of this is my fault.

I am trying to build myself up to be strong again, but something will happen and I crumble again. I have felt like I needed to cry for days, but the tears just didn’t come. Instead, I started lashing out at my husband again. It’s like these feelings need one outlet or another—I prefer that outlet to be tears. Finally, I hit the breaking point again today and the tears came—and they felt like they’d never end. I know that sounds sad, but it is a relief to me and I feel better already.

Thanks for listening.