I have been struggling with blaming myself. Everything is my fault. Everything.
If baby girl starts acting out, I think it’s because I have postpartum depression and it’s making her aggressive.
I worry that she has something wrong with her and it will be all my fault.
I worry that my having to take blood pressure and asthma medications during pregnancy could have caused her hemangioma. I have no basis for thinking this might be the case, I just feel guilty about everything.
When people don’t understand what I’m going through, it causes rifts—and I feel guilty that this even has to be an issue. I hate that I can’t just snap out of it.
I think that maybe I need to try harder—but I know that I’m giving every ounce of my effort and I don’t have any more strength to try any harder. I’m trying so hard.
I feel guilty that I need help. Why am I not strong enough? Why is everything so hard?
I feel bad that I am not a better wife right now. I feel bad that hubby has to deal with this.
There is so much guilt—about everything.
Sorry to be such a debbie downer—just wanted to get this off of my chest. I’m so afraid that this is my new normal. It just can’t be.
I have been struggling with PPD and so appreciate your candor - even if you feel like you are being negative. You are expressing your emotions and feelings - that is not negative - it is therapeutic. Know that you are not alone and that you are TRULY doing the best you can for you and your family. I know how hard it is to focus on the positives (I've been there). My doctor tried to put me on antidepressants and I just couldn't take them because I felt guilty about how they may affect my daughter. It is amazing how much we are willing to sacrifice of our own health for our children's health and well being. I wish I had/have taken them - I know that I probably struggle a lot more than I should. This is not the new normal - it is a temporary normal and you are taking the appropriate steps to heal yourself. Others are out there listening and appreciating your words. Thank you for your postings!
ReplyDeleteI am sure you hate dealing with the PPD. I'm sure it makes you question if every little thing that goes wrong is linked to it. I'm really sorry. I am sure it's not a new normal. If what you're doing now doesn't end up helping, your doctor will keep working with you! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated. You say you are not strong enough, but I think it takes a strong person to admit they are feeling "off". Baby girl is so lucky to have such a strong Mommy in her life! Don't apologize, we are here for you...talk about your feelings....it helps. hugs from me as well!!
ReplyDeleteNothing but a BIG GIANT hug being sent your way Alissa! Hang in there!!!
ReplyDeleteCan't remember if you told us..but are you on an SSRI? I had ppd after my second and got on Zoloft, and I felt better in no time. Just wondering why your medicine doesn't seem to be helping (if you're on it.)
ReplyDeletelife is a battle with ppd but it is not your new normal trust me I am struggling as well but we just need to focus on the positive and eventually we wont have to force ourselves to stay positive it will just happen and medicine helps but it is def not a cure .... I had ppd with my son who is now 9 it lasted a good couple years and I had my ups and downs but then it went away for a couple years too and we had amazing times then I had another child she is 7 months and im struggling even worse because of breastfeeding and my hormones being all over but I just focus on knowing it will get better with time .......it really will get better I promise
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