Feeling the effects of #postpartumdepression

Yesterday I posted that I was feeling better. I was hopeful that it would last forever but I knew realistically that probably wouldn’t be the case since that’s not how recovery from postpartum depression works.

By afternoon yesterday I started to feel drained again. But not in the “I’m tired and I need a nap” kind of way. This exhausted feeling associated with PPD is different and also carries along with it other physical and emotional manifestations.

I feel anxious, although I have no reason to be anxious. My body feels shaky. I feel short of breath—like I need to yawn but can never quite get that full and satisfying yawn. My eyes feel heavy. My shoulders feel tense. My heart pounds in my chest so hard that I feel like it could be seen. My stomach feels nervously upset. I start to fidget. 

Last night while sleeping, I felt my heart pounding in this really strange way—pounding very hard and fast in my chest and in my head. And then all of the sudden, I took a big gasp of air and woke up. And that was it. It scared me, but I went back to sleep. It made me scared that I will die in my sleep.

And then I start to wonder if some of this is caused by my medication and I’m thankful that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week who will be an expert about things like that. And just yesterday morning I was wondering if I should cancel my appointment because I was feeling so well.

But I also wonder if something like the sleep episode could be caused by sleep apnea because of the extra weight I have put on. And that is just extremely depressing and scary if that’s the case. But that was only one time that this happened like that. I don’t snore, although I have woken myself up with a snort before. Goodness, that even makes me sound like a pig! ha

Today, I just feel a mess again. I wish I could metaphorically go down to the basement and access my electrical box. I’d flip quite a few switches and be so happy when I’d see the lights turn back on in each area of my life. I’d flip the switch on this postpartum depression, my anxiety, fatigue, my weight, and my motivation. And just like that I’d be my old self again—smiling, happy, motivated, eating right, exercising and meeting goals—but also enjoying this time of my life that is supposed to be so happy because I now have a beautiful baby girl.

Imagining being my old self with the addition of this precious gift of a child makes me feel hopeful. Can that ever happen? Will that ever happen? I hope so.