Losing a lot of weight and then gaining

Some people can hide their struggles, but the struggle with weight is always visible.

Everyone noticed that I lost a ton of weight. I received comment after comment about how my hard work had paid off. “You look great”, they said.

But then I started struggling and gained some back…that was ok—not terribly noticeable. But then when I got pregnant I encountered a weight struggle like no other and put on more weight than I should have. And now I’m paying the price.

But since weight is never a matter of private concern, everyone else can also see that I’ve put on weight. And it’s embarrassing.

While I was pregnant, a woman wrote a letter to my husband and me and casually mentioned that she hoped I wasn’t gaining too much weight. I don’t know this person all that well…since when is saying something like that even remotely acceptable? I tried to shrug it aside; I was pregnant after all.

Recently, I saw a woman I hadn’t seen since pregnancy and she quite obviously gave me the once over. I’m talking a head to toe 10 second critique of me with her eyes once over. What makes someone think that this is ok? Do you think I don’t notice?

I just feel like shouting to the world, YES, I HAVE GAINED WEIGHT. YES, I AM FAT. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. KEEP MOVING. ON TO THE NEXT PERSON TO JUDGE.

Nobody knows about the other things in life that I am successful at. They just see what they see.

I can’t take the stares. And to be truthful, I mostly can’t take the assumptions I make in my head about what these people are thinking. And I take every little comment to heart.

Someone recently asked the baby (more on this topic at a later post), “what do you and mommy do all day?” And later asked me “Do you go on walks?” I can’t help but think this person thinks I’m sitting around eating all day…see how I think?

And then I used to be a go-to person about what was healthy and what was not. Is this food good for you—that kind of thing. People still ask me those questions and I no longer feel like I have any right to answer. Yes, I know the correct answers—but what right do I have to say anything about being healthy and weight loss? None. I am ashamed.

All of those old voices in my head are coming back larger than life with their obtrusive tones and outright rudeness. You know the ones that I fought so hard to get rid of while I was losing weight? They’re painfully loud and clear.

There’s a lot of shame involved in weight gain.

They say you have to hit your low before you are ready to make changes. Well this is definitely one of those lows…but yet I still continue to struggle.