Being a New Mother

Motherhood has been everything and nothing like I thought it would be. I have a new respect for all of the women I know who are excellent mothers. This is especially true for my own mother—this woman bore and raised four children—all of whom grew up to be respectable people (except for myself when I am stressed out ). And through the eyes of her child, she made it look easy—but now that I’m a mother myself, I see that being a mother isn’t as easy as she made it look and it probably wasn’t as easy for her as I thought it was.

I want to be as good a mother as my own was/is to me.

I want baby Sienna to grow up knowing that she always has me standing behind/beside her to support her, encourage her and to love her. I want to make her feel like she is loved without any reservation and that she will always know that home is a refuge.

Let me tell you, I am a ball of nerves sometimes. Being a new mom is tough. Being a new mom who had never changed a diaper and had always been uncomfortable around babies is probably even tougher. But you learn and maternal instincts kick in that you never would have thought existed. In some ways, being a mother is natural and in many other ways it’s a learning experience.

I am trying so hard and often feel like I don’t have a clue about what I’m doing. I suppose confidence is learned too. If only I could change her diapers faster so that she wouldn’t have to scream every time I do it. If only I knew exactly what each and every cry meant so that I could meet her needs more quickly.

If only I didn’t have to feel the pressure of the stares of certain people judging me as I try to decipher her cries. I am probably my own worst critic, but some people know how to be encouraging and understanding and there are others I’d rather not be around until I get this whole act together…and maybe I never will. Maybe that’s just the life of a mother.

There was the first time I had to take her out of her car seat at our bible study and bumped her head on the handle. One woman gasped. It didn’t even phase baby Sienna but this Mama had a big case of Mommy Guilt. I bawled my eyes out on the way home.

There are so many things that many other new moms probably do better than me. I guess I really don’t know—but that’s how I feel as my own worst critic. But then I hold Sienna in her calm moments and she gazes into my eyes and I know that I must be doing something right. When she reaches her little arm up onto my chest when I feed her, when she opens her little mouth like a baby bird trusting that she will receive food, when her cries are quieted when I pick her up, when only mommy can calm her down, and when she lifts her head up just so she can look at my face, I know I must be doing something right.

Being a new mom isn’t easy, but there are those times when you are rewarded with precious looks, unforgettable moments, and lovable cuddles and it makes it all worth it.

And I am learning that all I can do is give my best and all that I have for this precious miracle we have been blessed with--and it will be enough. One day, when I am toting around four children, I will look back at my struggles as a new mother and laugh—I am sure of it.