I Cried in front of my Doctor

I literally broke down and sobbed at the doctor’s office today. It was rather humiliating.

The doctor just mentioned that maybe there was a difference in scales because my weight was up about 9 lbs. in their records.

And I just lost it. I told her that it wasn’t the scale, it was me. I explained how I can’t seem to get my head in the game and that it scares me to death because I just CANNOT go back to 288 lbs. I’ve gained more than 9 lbs. according to my home scale! I told her how I’ve felt depressed and just not myself. How I’ve been dealing with life change and trying to figure out how to work my schedule out.

I have to tell you, I have the best doctor EVER. She just listened and I think she was slightly shocked at my tears, who wouldn’t be. She gave me the best advice and I think she really understood where I was coming from. I just want to share some of what she told me.

• I need to think about exercise like a pill that I take every morning for my blood pressure. A pill you can swallow in a few seconds and while exercise might take a little longer, but it’s just as important.
• She also told me she wasn’t here to be hard on me because I seem to be doing a pretty job of that myself. Which was a pretty good indication to me that I am WAY too hard on myself. Point taken.
• She told me that sometimes in weight loss, we have these little bumps. And the weight that I have gained is just a bump. This is a life long thing.
• And what really hit home for me—she told me I am not a failure. Gaining back some weight does not make me a failure. She told me that sometimes we get caught up in those negative thoughts and it just spirals out of control. She told me I have done wonderful things and in no way whatsoever am I a failure.
• She also told me that she schedules her workout into her day. After I told her my schedule, she understood how it’s tough for me to try to fit it in, but told me a little secret to how she fits her workouts in. She said she HAS TO because she can’t come to the office and tell her patients to do it if she’s not doing it herself. What a great doctor.
• She also told me that if I feel like I need to, that maybe I could consider counseling. It makes me feel like a nut case to think about it, but the more I think about it, and after the way out conversation went today—I wonder if it would be good for me.
• She also told me that working out will be a great way for me to de-stress, and that it sounded like I had a lot of stress in my life right now.

After telling my mom about my sheer embarrassment of crying in front of my doctor, I realized something about myself. I internalize EVERYTHING. The fact that I am struggling with my weight must mean I am an absolute failure at EVERYTHING in life, my job, my relationships, EVERYTHING. One little awkward look from someone else, they must not like me because I am a), b), or c)….

Everything is personal to me. I REALLY feel BAD about gaining weight. LITERALLY. It affects me so badly that I hate myself. I begin to dread life. I feel unattractive. I feel like an ugly person inside and out.

Even outside of weight loss, one little thing goes wrong, one person isn’t very happy…EVERYTHING is my fault. That’s how I feel. And I KNOW it’s not true, but I still internalize it. I’m the type of person that loves to see everyone smiling and make everyone laugh. I like to see people happy and if they’re not, I internalize it. I’ve been like that since I was a little girl standing in the middle of the living room doing silly things to try to make my family laugh.

I did make today another new start. I have literally hit rock bottom this time. I mean, I bawled in front of my doctor who just wanted to make sure that my blood pressure was normal (which it was for once) and that my asthma isn’t causing me too much trouble. I’m embarrassed, but she was very understanding.

So far, I have done very well today. I am making exercise a priority. Plain and simple.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am doing these things for my health. Because I want to feel good and feel happy. I want to be a healthy wife for my husband and a healthy, happy mother to our children someday. Those things are more important to me than how I look or what clothes I can fit into. Those are the reasons I am doing this.

And now I need to make that connection every time I am confronted with emotional eating, for whatever reason.

I think that will be the tricky part.

This afternoon, I went for a walk. I decided my workout time will be a time for me to de-stress. It’s like that pill that will help me clear my head and refresh my soul. It’s what I am going to turn to when I feel that sinking feeling, pressure on my chest and like I am about to explode. It’s a lot healthier alternative than food!

And my walk was much more enjoyable when I thought about it that way.

So, will this be the time that I turn it back around?

I sure hope so.