Weight Loss Woes—A Breakdown (Pouring my Heart Out…Again!)

This morning I weighed in at 203.6, which is a .6 gain from last week. I have gained 2 weeks in a row. Last week I gained .5 lb. I was mad at myself. The truth is, I haven’t been trying hard enough. I haven’t been dedicated enough.

But when hubby asked me how my WI went, he started asking me questions about why I kept gaining? Why have I been staying around the same weight for months? When am I going to open that Onederland box? He also reminded me that we are waiting for me to get to a healthy weight before we have babies, which won’t be for a while yet anyways, but it was just really hard for me to take. I pretty much had a break down.

These are questions that I wish I could answer with something straightforward. To say, I sometimes snack too much because I can’t exercise self control does not cover all of the bases. It’s complicated. I know that if I eat right and exercise, I should lose weight. I believe in that process. I want to lose weight, therefore I should eat right and exercise. That would be the simple answer. The complex part about weight loss is that even if you want to lose weight, you can set your goals to eat right and exercise, but there are so many other factors involved. I do not live in a bubble where my only purpose is to eat right and exercise. I have to work a full time job. I go to school. I have a home to take care of. I have other responsibilities. I want to have fun. I want to enjoy life. I just want to forget about trying to lose weight for a while. On and on. All of the factors that we all have in our lives.

The point is, there is so much more to this than wanting to eat right and exercise. There are outside forces and there are internal forces that affect my decisions. I have been trying to think about the times when I just can’t seem to control what I’m shoving into my mouth. And there are two things that I can think of, without a doubt, that will do it to me every single time. One is stress. I have serious problems with stress management. Not all of which I wish to share with the world. But I don’t handle it well. I worry and I worry and I worry. Last year, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown over a stressful school project. So my inability to cope with stress causes me to eat. I know I am the one in control and I allow myself to eat, but I am recognizing that stress makes me want to eat. I must get some sort of temporary psychological relief from eating that I am not fully conscious of. Second, I eat when I am frustrated and angry. There are certain people that make me this way, and I know it’s how I am choosing to react. But every single time I am around them, I want to come home and eat chocolate. Now how weird is that? How can I deal with anger and frustration? What is the healthy way to do this?

I have been trying to think about the times when I feel in control and able to practice moderation and self control. And lately that’s not as often as it should be. But I am good at practicing self control when I realize that whatever the temptation is, is just not worth it. That takes a conscious effort. And usually, when I feel that way, I have planned ahead. I have healthy snacks on hand and have thought about the temptations I might face and have decided they’re not worth it. And honestly, what IS worth it? Sometimes it is worth it to indulge, but when I indulge frequently, it’s not worth it anymore. The indulgences don’t really even taste good anymore. At least not as good as that first bite did. If I can consciously decide these things, I can make big changes.

For example, I used to love ice cream sundaes. I mean turtle sundaes with ice cream, caramel, hot fudge and full fat whipped cream with a cherry on top. I would indulge in these, as a treat, but it started to get too frequent. And I’m talking the ice cream shop kind, not the portion controlled ones at home. Quite a while ago, I decided that I would no longer eat those when we go out for ice cream. MAYBE once in a while. Instead, I would get an ice cream cone or a single scoop. And I’ve stuck to that. Maybe I need to start making more decisions like that. I think the most important thing is realizing there’s a problem, really realizing it, and then I am ready to make the changes needed. I have to have some moment of clarity where I truly understand it—and not just because I know I should do something.

I got a kick in the pants this morning. I felt deflated and worthless. I felt terrible for actually struggling with overeating versus making a choice not to overeat so that I can be healthy so hubby and I can have a baby. I mean, how horrible does that sound? I’m not consciously choosing food over having a baby, that would be silly. But ultimately, that is the choice I am making. So why is it still such a struggle?

I talked to a friend about this and she said that she has the same struggles. She has diabetes and high blood pressure but when pizza is around, that doesn’t stop her from eating it. She wants to live a long life, but for some reason we just don’t make the connection between our little actions and the big results that are inevitable.

It’s time to start exercising my self discipline muscle. What I eat the majority of the time is fine. I often mess up on the weekends. I am not going to eliminate the foods I love, I will continue to practice moderation. But the problem lies in the times where I go to the cupboard and snack on something. Eating one, two, or three too many cookies. Or eating a piece of cake at a get together and then eating a cupcake a couple of days later. Probably not necessary. I must sound like such a food addict. And I am, really. I could write a whole post about that one. But, it’s about making choices. It’s about staying mindful. It’s about staying in control. It’s about being empowered. Most importantly, it’s about sticking to the points that WW gives me. And this past weekend, as with many others, I totally lost count of my points. Embarrassing. This blog is not about my triumphs, but it is about the whole struggle. This is HARD. If anyone ever told you it was easy, they’ve never tried to lose weight.

I know I have said this a  million times, but I am recommitting. What more can I do? What more can I do but recommit every. single. time. that I fall down. Hopefully, I will learn something each time. I am going to remember how important this is to me and to hubby. I am going to stick to my points this week. I am going to exercise. I am not going to let temporary satisfaction rob me of my goals.

There ya have it. The struggles I’m having. The struggles I’m sure you’ve all been through or are going through right now. Losing weight SUCKS. But I like to think that it’ll be worth it someday. Heck, it’s already worth it.

For breakfast this morning, I had 1/4 cup egg beaters on light toast along with a glass of milk and a banana for 5 points.

I sipped on Trader Joe’s Duchess Gray tea for 0 points.

I tried to make a conscious choice about whether I needed a snack or not and the answer was no. A big part of this is being more mindful of my choices, even the seemingly little choices.

I had a SUPER early lunch today for some reason. I was scheduled at 10:30. Who eats lunch at 10:30? lol. So I made an egg sandwich, since it was so delicious yesterday, and had a sliced apple with caramel for 9 points.

It wasn’t until I was eating my sandwich that I remembered I had egg beaters for breakfast. I guess I was craving eggs today! I also made a conscious decision that if I ate the caramel dip that I didn’t need an extra “sweet” for dessert. And I stuck with it. I busied myself by unloading the dishwasher.

On my very last break, I made a green smoothie out of yogurt, 1 cup spinach, 1 Tbs. milled flax seeds, strawberries and mango for 2 points.

I really need a new blender. I had a mishap while making my smoothie. It’s been on the way out for a while, so when it started smoking, I got a little worried! It completely chewed up one of the parts. Thankfully, we have an extra part to fix it.

It’s the second time this has happened now. It’s a dual blender and food processor. The food processor works awesome, just not the blender anymore! I would love recommendations for a good, powerful blender!

I didn’t get as far as adding the ice before the blender fell apart, but the thick smoothie was delicious!

I also snacked on some baby carrots for 0 points.

I was exhausted by late afternoon. Hubby came home and suggested we order a pizza, but we both decided it would be best to cook something at home. Ordering a pizza would have been much easier though!

So for supper, I made sandwich thin pizzas with a side salad topped with gorgonzola cheese and Pear Vinaigrette for 8 points.

It was a very satisfying meal. Very tasty! I forgot how delicious those sandwich thin pizzas are!

I finished it up with No Sugar Added Blue Bunny Bunny Tracks for 4 points.

I have 4 points left for the day. I am very happy with how I’ve eaten today.

Hubby and I have made a plan for what days we will exercise this week. We are both beat tonight, so agreed to take it easy tonight, but we will be back at it tomorrow!

One more thing I want to say is that we are all very different. We all have struggles. We all have busy lives. We all have our battles to fight. Mine may be different than yours. Yours may be different than mine. One reason this morning’s events were so hard on me is that I am already SO hard on myself. I beat myself up constantly. It’s kind of what motivates me to always do my best. To get good grades. To be the top performer at work. A bit of a perfectionist? In more ways that I want to admit. But it’s really not good for me and adds to my stress. I REALLY need to read a book on stress management or maybe seek some professional help. lol And because I am like this, I do best when I get encouragement from others. When I am encouraged for what I am doing right rather than “corrected” for what I am doing wrong. Maybe I care too much about what others think? Maybe. When I feel like I am doing something right, it inspires me to keep going. It inspires me to make more healthy choices. It’s kind of a chain effect. But when I hear how I have failed, I tend to beat myself up more and more. Today, I took control and realized that hubby was right. He is my husband and he has every right to say the things to me that maybe I don’t want to admit. Other people, not so much. But I trust my husband. I know he wants what is best for me. I guess what I’m trying to say is, hurtful comments do not help me one bit. They are not going to cause me to have some “ah-ha” moment. They don’t usually do that for me. I’m just curious about you? Do you take criticism (we will only consider the constructive kind) or positive reinforcement better? Which one is more effective for you?