Pouring my Heart Out: Self Sabotage and Weight Loss

I have been hovering right around the same weight since I met my 80 lb. goal. I have been getting so frustrated with myself. I have found no motivation to workout like I should be. I have been going over my weekly points ever since I met that goal. My weight has been reflecting how I have been handling my weight loss efforts- and that’s not very well!

I have felt frustrated with myself. Where has my resolve gone? I have lost 80 lbs. I should be able to lose more! Why can’t I say no when someone offers me chocolate anymore? Why can’t I say no to myself every time I get a craving for some food that I know won’t get me closer to my goal? Why can’t I seem to break out of this fog I’m in and get myself motivated to exercise regularly. Why don’t I seem to care anymore?

The truth is, I do care. I care more than anything. I have had more than one sob session as I told my husband how I cannot go back to where I’ve come from. I just cannot. I cannot be obese. I cannot feel depressed and horrible about myself like I used to. I cannot go back. And I am so afraid that I will.

I make a promise to myself each night that I will do better tomorrow. I have to, right? But the next day comes and I’ll fail all over again. Maybe some days are good but then I’ll snack in the evenings and use too many weekly points. I am honest with what I eat- when I post my pictures- that’s what I’ve eaten. But we all know, I could be doing better throughout my days. Or maybe I allow myself an indulgence once in a while, but then I allow myself an indulgence every single day- and that adds up. And that’s not healthy. There are healthy ways of “indulging” without going crazy on the calories. And I’ve lost grasp of doing that.

So last night, hubby and I had another heart to heart. I thank him for that so much. I am blessed to have such a supportive husband, even though I get mad at him when he reminds me that I shouldn’t be eating that second cupcake. But he helped me open up and talk about what’s going on. And that’s when I realized that I was practicing Self Sabotage.

I am sabotaging my weight loss efforts with poor choices. I am losing a mental and emotional battle with myself. So I delved into that a little further. Why am I losing this battle? And for goodness sake, what is the battle?

The more I think about it- the more emotional I get when I come to one aspect of this journey. I am becoming someone that I’ve never been. And that is so hard for me. It’s not that I don’t want it. I want it with everything I am. But I am so afraid. I don’t know what it’s like to be a thin, athletic and attractive woman. I have always been the fat girl, who hides in the corner. The girl too shy to talk to anyone- but desperately wanting to feel accepted. The girl with no self confidence. The girl who didn’t believe it was possible to be where I am today—even though I still have so far to go. The girl who no one notices. The girl who is comfortable with that.

I want to be that girl who is thin, joyful, athletic, outgoing and social. I want to run marathons. To complete a triathlon. To show the world my witty and silly self. To not be afraid to show my intelligence. I want to be a wife that my husband is proud to be with (and bless his heart, I know that he already is). I want to feel good about myself. I want to be proud of ME. I want to love ME. Because the problem is I don’t love myself. And I don’t believe that I can be all that I dream of being. But I will have to go out of my comfort zone.

I don’t know what it’s going to be like to be thin. I have no concept of it because I’ve never been thin. But I feel like I’m not good enough to be who I want to be. I don’t feel I’m capable of it. I’ve lost that determination and belief in myself. But why? I am so close to being in Onederland- and I think that’s why.

Since figuring all of this out—I have realized that it’s time to remember why I started this journey in the first place, and to remember all that I have begun to want to accomplish after continuing on this journey. I want to be healthy. I don’t want to have high blood pressure or develop diabetes like some of the women in my family. I don’t want to die of a heart attack at 30 years old like I was headed. I want to have beautiful children with my husband. I want to be a mom—and I don’t want to put our child or my life at risk because I can’t form a healthy relationship with food. I want so much out of life. My husband deserves a healthy and active wife to be the mother of his children someday. I deserve it. As hard as it is for me to say that and try to believe it. I do. I deserve so much. I can do this for me, too.

I don’t want to sabotage my efforts anymore. I am capable of completing this journey. I can do it. I have to believe in myself. And it’s ok to believe in myself. Obesity and all of the complications are not worth it. I choose health and happiness. I am going to work on believing in myself. Having confidence in myself. Loving myself. Being myself. And learning who I can become if I just set my mind to. Anything is possible if I just believe it. And I will believe that I can. I want more than anything to get over this hurdle. I want to be more mindful of my eating. To make choices that will get me closer to my goal. But mostly, I want to learn to love ME. I am worth it. I am.