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Sunday, January 2, 2011

Always on the Edge

I thought I had holidays down. I took Thanksgiving with a breeze and lost a significant amount of weight that week. Christmas? I knew the points for everything I ate ahead of time and saved most of my weekly points for over the course of the weekend. I lost 1 lb. that week.

Over New Year’s Eve weekend, things did not go as the past holidays have gone. I felt like my grip on control loosened and I was being dragged across the ground by my own choices. I may have fallen off the wagon, but my hands never let go of the reins.

So here I stand before you, covered in dust, bruised and mostly broken, or should I say bloated, thirsty, and disappointed in myself. But I’m not giving up!

But it does make me realize that I constantly stand on the edge of being healthy overlooking the black and looming depth of where I used to be. And it’s just one choice away. One. Choice. Away.

I refuse to go there again. Back to the constant feelings of self loathing. Back to feeling bloated and uncomfortable in my clothes, body and life. I refuse to go back to feeling so insecure and unhappy about myself that it would bring me to tears. It’s not just food that I’m choosing to eat during those times when I am constantly shoving junk in my mouth, I am choosing all of those things that I hate about being obese. All of the things that I thought I had conquered. I have realized that I may never have this tiger by the tail. I may always struggle. Some battles I may win and some I may lose, like this past weekend. This will be my life long battle. But if I get back up. Wipe the dust off my bloated body and just keep going, I will never go back to where I was before. It is just one choice. One choice that takes me back from that ledge and back to more stable ground.

I. Choose. Health.

18 comments:

  1. ~ JuryJanuary 2, 2011 at 5:51 PM

    AMEN!!!! You´ve come so far and I don´t think you´d ever let yourself truly get back to that place but I´m totally with you about how even make 1 bad choice will bring those feeling back right? Let´s not dwell on it and make it a year to remember!!! Happy New Year :)

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  2. the strawberryJanuary 2, 2011 at 6:16 PM

    You can't go back because you KNOW better now- you can't just magically unlearn everything you've gained along the way. Yes, a bad choice was made. But so were a LOT more good ones. You got back on, not the next week, or the next whatever, but the next moment. That's what will get you to goal.

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  3. Kyle and DarciJanuary 2, 2011 at 6:17 PM

    Awesome post Alissa!!! That's always been something I think is important, realize when you've gone off track & make a change!!

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  4. RozJanuary 2, 2011 at 6:53 PM

    LOVE the honesty of your post. I can tell you will quickly recover from the MINOR setback, and be back on track before you know it!!! It's behind you now, and you're moving forward into a bright new year. Take care!!!

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  5. FatGirlJanuary 2, 2011 at 7:31 PM

    I just started following your blog. But this post is so inspiring! You opened my eyes quite a bit. We ARE choosing not just food, but all of the things that come along with being obese. I never really thought about it like that.
    I choose health too!

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  6. JannaJanuary 2, 2011 at 7:34 PM

    You.are.AMAZING! Keep looking forward...thanks for sharing!

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  7. kristiJanuary 2, 2011 at 8:01 PM

    I have weekends like this. This weekend (yesterday) was not good. But today I did okay and I exercised for 1 hour.

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  8. Vegan Chick PeaJanuary 2, 2011 at 8:06 PM

    You're incredible. You make me smile all the time. I've told you before, but your dedication to health and leading a healthier life is unwaivering and amazing. I'm so happy for you that you continuously stick to your goals, even when you slip up. Good for you. You're an inspiration, A.

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  9. AnonymousJanuary 2, 2011 at 8:28 PM

    "I. Choose. Health" - Amen sister! Such a wonderful post, Mae. Thank you for your honesty, and your motivation is contagious. :) This is going to be our year!

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  10. Baby Weight and BeyondJanuary 2, 2011 at 10:39 PM

    That's great! It's not about falling off the wagon it's about getting back on right away!

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  11. Shabby Chic MomJanuary 3, 2011 at 12:24 AM

    I choose health too! Great post!

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  12. CrysJanuary 3, 2011 at 12:58 AM

    Such a fantastic post. I think these little earthquakes are important. Anytime I think I've figured it all out, something happens to remind me that this will be a lifelong issue. I'm grateful for that! I have no doubt you'll land on your feet!

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  13. reneasskinnylove.blogspot.comJanuary 3, 2011 at 8:38 AM

    You have lost 73 pounds and that is AMAZING!
    You are doing a really great job!
    The holidays have passed and sad but true we probably will have a few of these days along our journey. It's how we deal with them after that is most important! Keep up the good work

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  14. Kelly the Happy TexanJanuary 3, 2011 at 9:15 AM

    Every single day is a clean slate. You've done fantastic and I've enjoyed following your progress.

    I tripped while running once. But I kept going and I finished. One trip didn't stop me. ;-)

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  15. JessicaJanuary 3, 2011 at 10:52 AM

    Great post...and by posting this you are already moving in the right direction!

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  16. LoriJanuary 3, 2011 at 11:36 AM

    It is always a day to day choice. I don't know if that ever will go away. It's what you do after this happens that really matters.

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  17. Foodie GirlJanuary 3, 2011 at 1:39 PM

    Thanks for stopping by. I have missed everyone so much!

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  18. Anne HJanuary 3, 2011 at 2:32 PM

    Powerful writing.
    Strong and determined.
    You sound ready to get back in with both
    hands and both feet!

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