I wasn’t sure what to post tonight so I decided to just write for therapeutic reasons, so bear with me as I randomly write about what I’m feeling.
I have just felt stressed the last few days. I am worrying but can’t seem to take the initiative to get my paper written or start studying for my final. Don’t get me wrong, I have done everything BUT work on school stuff. I have cleaned the house (again and again), done laundry, cleaned the fridge, baked, and exercised. I’ve tried to do school work, and have gotten a little bit accomplished- but I haven’t FINISHED it and that stresses me out. This week is finals week, so it’s almost over and hopefully I’ll feel better come Thursday afternoon when it’s officially over for the semester.
I don’t know if it’s due to the stress or due to the fact that we’ve had blizzard conditions all weekend and haven’t left the house since Friday night, but I am feeling stir crazy and restless. I have wanted to eat and eat and eat. I am a bottomless pit, so it seems. I have been controlling myself remarkably well. I do have to give myself credit for that. But even with that being said, I have eaten through almost all of my activity points for the week. I am in control though. I know at this point in this journey there is no turning back for me. I will never be able to mindlessly eat chocolate, chips, cookies and whatever my emotions desire, because I know better now. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no playing innocent anymore. I can’t ignore what I’ve already confronted. This is a good thing. Hopefully it will keep me on track for the rest of my life. But sometimes I wish I could just sit down with a plate of Chocolate Chip cookies and a big glass of milk and have at it. I’m embarrassed even writing that. Old behavior trying to resurface. You see? I recognize that now. There’s no going back.
I am feeling upset with the new WW plan, I want to be positive about the new program and give it a chance but it has me worried. My weight has been fluctuating like crazy. This morning I was 4 lbs. up from my lowest weight- it’s not weigh in day and it doesn’t count but it has me worried. I try to eat more fruits and veggies and that leaves me hungry at the end of the day. I try to eat like I used to (successfully none the less!) and I run out of points too quickly. Maybe it’s because I’m out of the fruits and veggies that I love. I’m not sure what it is. But I’m going to give this new plan through January and see what I think. I need to give it my best effort though. But it’s so hard to adapt to a new plan when I knew how to estimate points in my head before. I had points values memorized for my favorite foods. I knew I had to get in my 5 fruits/veggies for the day before I could indulge in other snacks. WW should know what works. I’m going to trust them, but it’s really hard for me to get used to.
Not to be all Debbie Downer here, on a more positive note, I did workout 5 times this week- which is always my goal. I ran 4.5 miles. I walked 1.5 miles. I biked 7.2 miles. I should be proud of that.
But I still want to think that it’s not good enough. Nothing is ever good enough for me. I cannot pat myself on the back for my accomplishments, I always have to look at what I could have improved on or done differently. I get a 99% on a paper and I wonder what 1% I did wrong and I focus on that more than the 99% I did right. I have always been too hard on myself. It stresses me out. It’s not good for me. Maybe the first step is acknowledging it. What’s the second step? How do you change who you are at the core? How do you change behaviors that you have fostered your entire life?
Maybe I should ask myself that same question. I have the answers. I’ve done it before. Maybe it’s time to reconstruct other areas of my life- not just the area related to weight loss.
It’s really just peace we’re all looking for, right? Being happy with who you are. The very essence of your being. Learning to accept yourself and love yourself. You are worth it. Work for it. Achieve it. Be it. Live it. Radiate it.
I am still working on accepting myself everyday, it is really not about weight. I appreciate this post and how open you were in it. We all feel these feelings and emotions. I think one of the best things about blogging is that we are able to express these things a bit more freely. I know myself I procrastinate and avoid things when I am unsure that I can do them to a standard that I hold myself to (which is often semi-unattainable). I don't know the answer yet, all we can do is keep on doing the best we can. And if it helps we all feel this way sometimes :)
ReplyDeleteI think the most challenging thing of this process is accepting yourself, and giving yourself credit when it's due. We can look at all the things we do wrong, but are never able to look at all the things that we do right. We can do ten things we should be doing, but all of the focus is on the 1 thing that we didn't. I think no matter what we do we are always going to have days or weeks where we feel down about ourselves and our journey. I think the key is to stay motivated! Don't let this discourage you from where you want to be. It'll get better!!!
ReplyDeleteI always say, tomorrow is a new day and we can start fresh. If I have a bad weekend - no exercise and eating too many cookies (which is most weekends around the Holidays) - I start over again on Monday with a fresh mind and a clean slate. I have to say the amount of exercise you put forth this weekend is more than I did all week so BRAVO! As for the confidence and changing what you have been in the past - that takes time and experience for sure. I wasn't all that outgoing my whole life, more so than you maybe, but not near like I am now. It helps to be around others who are confident or at least aren't totally un-confident. Baby steps! You should be proud of what you've done with yourself both mentally and physically. Now the worrying, not sure what you can do about that - that might be an inherited gene ;). Just be positive and when you're not - do something that makes you positive. You're doing great. - Angie
ReplyDeleteYou are doing amazing! I know it is hard to recognize, being happy with ourselves is the hardest part. You will get just as comfortable with the new program as you were with the old, just remember how you felt when you first started, it was probably pretty similar to now. It's like we are week 1 members again - a fresh prospective!
ReplyDeleteYou are never a Debbie Downer....
ReplyDeleteAs if that's a bad thing, anyways!
I think it's all about the Love and acceptance.
We practice here, in Blogland,
So that one day we can honestly
believe it about ourselves....
Unconditionally!
I wish I had some answers. I think accepting ourselves is one of the hardest things EVER, and not just over weight loss. You're doing such a great job though, and I'm very proud of you. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteYou've got alot going on in your life, coupled with the fact it is the holidays and the new WW plan has kicked in so it's no wonder you have some of these feelings. Please know you are a true inspiration to many of us here in blogland, and be kind to yourself. You deserve it!!!
ReplyDeleteSelf love can be tough when we are our own worst critics. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend. :)
ReplyDeleteIt probably doesn't need to be said but make sure you are really drinking the water. It really does help. And if the new WW plan doesn't work out for you, go back to doing it the old way.
Great job getting in all the exercise!
Honestly, I cannot find words. All I can say is that I know exactly how you feel. I really hope that you can find some peace after Thursday. xoxo
ReplyDeleteJust keep remembering all the good things too. Everything you HAVE accomplished instead of the things you still haven't. You're great. Even though things get tough sometimes, just keep going. School will get done, just focus. You'll be good. :)
ReplyDeleteYour workouts have been amazing this week. You should be proud of yourself!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Well, if you have an option of writing a paper for school based on your feelings, you would certainly Ace that paper. I´m sorry you´re feeling down right now, but I don´t think perfect exists remember? But I think you´re becoming a much better version of yourself and you should be so proud! :)
ReplyDeleteAs for WW, I´m just wondering, is there an option to remain on the old plan? I´m not a member that´s why I ask.
I found my foods all had higher point values with the new program ~ so the extra points sound great but in fact you get no more food to eat...and then as I said earlier in your older post, fruit and veggies being free are fantastic....EAT MORE VEGGIES and watch the fruits you chose..Apples, strawberries, kiwi's are the better fruits to eat...Banana is the highest in sugar value...
ReplyDeleteI think one has to make good food choices to lose weight...
Sugar is my next thing I am working out of my diet and in 2 weeks without sugar I've lost 8lbs...so take a look at the labels of the foods you eat, ever bit of sugar adds up in the end...
I eat a lot of fruits and veggies too. The thing that helps keep me full is to start out my day with lots of protein (eggs or egg beaters and veggie sausage). Perhaps you should look at shifting what time of day you eat certain foods? It has worked really well for me.
ReplyDelete